Stop Your "Why"ning

It's funny how defeated you can find yourself in spite of knowing how the Lord loves you and that you are valued. This has been quite a week of digging out spiritual splinters and I think I'm cresting on a great realization that could very well cause a mild explosion in the walls of my heart. 

This morning I woke up with an anxious sort of heaviness weighing on my heart that I could not understand but figured it was probably a sign I needed to spend some time with Lord to sort things out. 

I found myself wrestling with the "why" question that I think I've heard everyone ask a billion times every time something bad happens. I guess, for me, when I ask why, I usually imply that it was a bad thing that didn't need to happen and God better have a darn good explanation for whatever the heck that was that I just went through. 

I guess I usually ask why when I have no idea what is going on or have been caught off guard. I think I feel like I'm in the right and someone else is in the wrong when I find myself broaching such a question to some other party who had caused the offense. 

As I was asking God my "why" questions I found myself wondering if it was okay to be upset with or mad at God. I wondered if there is ever a point where He is wrong. In my head I could tell myself that "no, God is never wrong" but that didn't offer much consolation because that puts me in the place of helplessness and makes me feel guilty for feeling pain at the things God has brought me through. 

And then I wondered if there is ever a point I need to forgive God because usually pain at things past are a result of unresolved bitternesses that I've allowed to reside in my heart and usually dissipate after some time spent with the Lord, asking for His strength to forgive whatever pain has my heart set in turmoil. 
But it's confusing when it's God that you feel like you have a problem with, yknow? It's tricky when you feel like it was God who betrayed you. When you put your faith in Him to protect you and take care of you and guard your heart and you got hurt anyways. 

You did everything "right". You surrendered. You trusted. You stepped out in faith. And this... this pain. You put yourself out there and got shot. And it's like, "what the heck was that??" I mean, if I was doing my own thing, trusting in my own self, running my own show, yeah I can understand my heart getting put through a rock tumbler, but what about when I prayed about it and it seemed right? When I followed where He was leading and He lead me into the lion's den? (Oh hey Daniel. Nice to see I'm not the only one who has been through this).

I don't like that cartoon. Mostly because Jesus is like, "did I miss one?" He doesn't accidently miss one. He plans and decides and allows and makes things happen. Yeah, he told that stone to conk you on the head. 

One of my all time favorite movies is called "They Ultimate Gift." It's beautiful! It's about this man who dies and leaves behind a series of gifts for his grandson who is spoiled and selfish and ungrateful. 
(I won't give too much away because if you haven't seen it, you neeeeeeeed to!)

Basically, the grandfather gives more gifts than just monetary valued things. He gives the gift of work and friendship and thankfulness.

I found myself requesting that the Lord cause me to feel overwhelmed by His love in an instant and just accept everything as "Because He loves me, it was somehow a good thing. " Well, I sat and listened and waited and...nothing. I've already learned that lesson. "Because He loves me" is not always good enough because I can ask if/then questions. I can't always expect that hearing, "Because I love you" will make my heart hurt less than it does. God does not work that way. 

Whilst writing out all my "whys" in my quiet time to the Lord I got the idea to write down all the really big unpleasant things I've walked through that I never really understood but was thankful for them being over. 

After I had that list going, I decided to write down next to them what gifts the Lord had given to me as a result of those trials. I had only written 16 things that seemed most significant, but by the end of it I had 63 gifts written down that were direct results of those trials or conflicts or difficult circumstances. 
Hello! 63 is a lot for just 16 situations. 

The really funny thing I just felt the Lord whispering into my heart "Read Isaiah. I have something for you to know and it's in Isaiah." Well Lord, Isaiah is a big book and Bible Russian Roulette doesn't always work out very well.... where would you like me to go?  "Isaiah 63. The number is 63 on purpose"

So, I opened Isaiah 63 and it started out something like "Who is this coming from Edom, from Bozrah with his garments stained in crimson?..." Ha... that's great, Lord, but..uhmm... a bit random don't you think?

Well I kept reading. It's a treasure hunt with the Lord, ya know? I dug that well a little deeper and right about verse 7 I found water. 

"I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord,
    the deeds for which he is to be praised,
    according to all the Lord has done for us—
yes, the many good things
    he has done for Israel,
    according to his compassion and many kindnesses.
⁸ He said, “Surely they are my people,
    children who will be true to me”;
    and so he became their Savior.
⁹ In all their distress he too was distressed,
    and the angel of his presence saved them.
In his love and mercy he redeemed them;
    he lifted them up and carried them
    all the days of old."

And so the whole rest of the chapter went like that. We have the answers to our why'nings already. 
We just don't really look for them. 

In all my trials I have been given gifts such as the gifts of family of friends, the gift of thankfulness, humility, endurance, patience, gentleness, hearing God's voice, seeing God work, understanding forgiveness.

 I was given the gift of learning to love others, learning to trust, learning to walk by faith, learning to be faithful. 

I was given the gift of appreciating my home and my own bed. Appreciating things I had that took for granted. I was given the gift of having others pray for me often. I was given the gift of being encouraged and learning to encourage others. I was given the gift of receiving many hugs in the moment of needing them. I have been given the gifts of fighting for others and having them fight for me when the enemy speaks lies. 

I have been given the gift of contentment and being happy for others. I have been given the gift of hearing that I am beautiful. 

I have been given the gift of being used by the Lord in spite of my circumstances and state of my heart. I have been given the gift of laughter and joy and looking for God in all things. 

I have been given much. So much more than I shall ever fathom. 

I'm sure we will all have a million and one more "why" questions to ask. But we can rest assured knowing that God has an answer. Knowing that we were not betrayed, knowing that "Because I love you" has more weight to it than we can carry. 

We are loved. Ask all the questions you want, but some way, some how the ultimate conclusion will always be that you are loved. You are loved deeper and richer and fuller than you heart can possibly comprehend.