Happy Winds-day

Today is one of those cloudy, windy blustery sort of days where you picture Winnie the Pooh saving poor little piglet from blowing away and poor little Eeyore house hunting for Owl in spite of the wind and rain. 


It's also leap year day! I don't really care that much about it or see anything particularly special about it. But, I see alllll over my facebook people saying "Happy leap year" and all that, I feel like I could talk about it. I just did. Now I shall move on. 


I think I've officially hit the wall. No more peanut butter. After having consumed 10lbs of it in the last month and a half.... it's blah. It's not *awful* but I don't think I can eat it anymore. Maybs after a week or two without it, I might return... but for now... blah. 


Also today, I *finally* polished off my social work application essay. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I know it'd be best if I just trust Jesus with it since worrying isn't going to do me any good. If I'm not accepted I'll settle for an undergraduate degree in psychology and got back for my MSW later. Either way, 2013 I'll be graduating from this fine University and hopefully will be making steps toward 100% independence and adulthood. That's just a little bit scary. :/


And those are all the thoughts about this day. 


I had an absolutely lovely weekend at home this past weekend! :) I got to meet my parents' new baby cows and read bedtime stories with my little siblings and make egg roles with my little sister... it was just really fun! 

A Little Procrastination

The sun continues to show itself and thus I continue to have more happiness in my day. Except, the sun didn't decide to come out on Monday and that was really sad. My roommate and I both noticed and found ourselves tired and slightly depressed. 


There's nothing really new in my life to speak of, I just wanted to post again because I get quite bored seeing the same post for lots of days in a row. :) Currently, my academic life is attempting to squish me. 
Today I had some ASL homework and an extra credit paper. Tomorrow I have a pretty big exam and friday I have an other quiz.
Next week I have 3 essays and other such business like that. Pheewww! I'm ready for spring break. It doesn't seem like it' should to be so soon... but I could use it all the same. It's about that time of the semester where the routine of everything is kind of exhausting. 


But! Today I discovered a sign in the dining hall that said "Gluten free bread, bagels, brownies and cookies found here.. just ask" and I got very excited. Ask I did and got to eat a sandwich for the first time in a couple months. It was rather delightful. :) While I would very much love for this gluten intolerant thing to be temporary and short-lived, I'm finding that it's actually hereditary and shows up at different times in one's life. Unfortunately.. it's showing up quite a bit on my mother's side of the tree and it doesn't look to be too promising for me. I'm not too saddened by this, though, because my last few months of gluten-freeness have been absolutely delightful. :) And! My gluten-free brownie at lunch today was no disappointment. 


I think my next move might be to check out what other kinds of gluten-free products are out there that the world has to offer. While it makes eating out and going on dates slightly more challenging, it has been nice to feel healthy and not have an upset stomach all the time. 

Miscellaneous Me

Well, I've been quite the Eeyore the last few weeks and it hasn't been very fun. But! God has never ceased working in my life and he's doing beautiful things and I'm thankful for his faithfulness and strength when I pass through the deeper valleys. 


I think part of my gloominess has come from the consistent cloud cover the last few weeks as well.. one of my pastors described it as feeling like he was walking around in communist dominated Berlin during WWII. Depressing. BUT! It was funny because the other day I was talking to Jesus and told him that it would be really nice to have the sun come out so my little Valentines Day rose could bloom and it has! The last two days it's been delightfully sunny and I have opened the curtains in my room and let the sunshine take over. I can't even begin to describe how lovely it is! And my little flower loves it!

It's a very delightful little rose :)

See?? Look how happy it is sitt'n in the window! :) It just makes me smile.

*Sigh* I love flowers. They always just make me really happy. :) Some day I hope to have a garden full of different kinds of flowers. AND an apple tree if I can manage. I love apples and apple blossoms are my very favorite flower by far! I'm just so excited for spring! All this warm weather makes it difficult to be patient and thankful when the weather gets cold again. 

Another thing random about me is that I had coffee today! Eeee! But.. there is a preface. Since being on this health kick lately, I've avoided all caffein like crazy and have not touched coffee for over a month. If you know me at all you probs know that I can easily drink a whole pot of coffee in one day (maybe one sitting) and not be terribly affected by it.. this is not terribly healthy at all. But I've been hopelessly addicted to this elixir of life since I was 16 years old and it has brought many a smile and good time since entering my life. 


The bummer thing is, I have existed these past 20 years with only one functioning kidney. Most people have two (count your blessings!) and thus don't have to worry *too* much about coffee consumption and such, but as I have had such terrible hydration habits the last number of years it's been good to give my poor little kidney a rest the last month and a half. I've also been drinking lots and lots of water to help it out. Annnyways, since I work in a coffee shop on Thursday nights.. I get free coffee. Specifically, free chocolate caramel nut coffee. *siiiiiigh* I brought about 16 oz of it home with me last night and considered freezing it away until my stomach has healed a little more but this morning I decided frozen/thawed coffee probs wouldn't taste very good, and the more I smelled it, the more tempting it was. 
And so! I dumped most of it out. I kept about 4 oz of it and made sure to drink 2 full glasses of water before drinking it. Normally I could drink 4 oz in about 30 seconds, but I actually made it last 30 minutes and then drank 4 more glasses of water after. :) Go me! 
Oh my goodness was I attentive in class! I took page after page of notes, my eyes were buggin the whole time and I comprehended a great deal of the material. 
And then I took a quiz and improved on my other quizes by 30%. Woot! 

Another thing in my life are vitamins and breakfast. I haven't always been careful to eat breakfast before class and I for sure never took any vitamins. But! My health has greatly improved since both additions into my life and I quite recommend both if one does not yet partake in them. Also! Apples make  a GREAT breakfast! On the days I don't have time to cook breakfast (most days) I eat two apples or a bowl of  applesauce. So good! : ) 

Still I will say..

Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name.


I'm an hour and a half away from a Bible study that I co-lead with my roommate and to be honest, I'm empty. I know it's not exactly a sin for Christians to come to a point of being empty and such, but, somedays I don't feel adequate for this position. Some days, I feel like the exact wrong person to be in a place of spiritual leadership. 


Today is one of those days where there is pain in the offering on the road marked with suffering. Not that anything super awful happened in the recent past. I mean, there's been things, but not super traumatic or anything. 


I think I'm just feeling like I'm not what I could be. Actually, I know I'm not what I could be. Tonight our Bible study is talking about being God's workmanship created in Christ to do good works he prepared in advance for us. We're gonna talk about how God made us beautiful and we're going to talk about being the women God made us to be. If I'm being absolutely honest and transparent and open, it's hard to teach about it when you're having trouble believing it for yourself. If I may be so bold as to share this insecurity with the world: I don't feel of any great value or worth today. 


I know it's easy to say that's a common thing, especially for women to have days of insecurity and days of low self-worth and days where they don't feel beautiful... but really, somedays are harder than others. And today is one of those days where I can't tell if my life is making a difference and I can't tell if I've done anything of significance with my life up to this point and I don't know if I'm being what I've been called to be. 


From 1 Peter 3 I know I've been called to be a woman marked by the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. I know from from Proverbs 31 I should be a woman who fears the Lord, who opens my arms to the poor and reaches out to the needy. I know I should be setting an example for other women around me.. but today I am not sure if any of that is true of me. 


I so greatly desire to be the woman God calls me to be. I so greatly desire to have Jesus shine through my life.


 Today I sat down with the creator of the universe and talked to Him about what I'm feeling. I made space for Him to move in and fill up and bring joy. I surrendered my pain and insecurities. And now, I wait for the moment when I am whole again. I'm waiting for the day where I know I've made an impact some where. And you can tell me over and over and over again that I'm valuable and treasured and you can tell me I should only have to hear it once and I shouldn't rely on words of affirmation to feel valued, but that's not going to change anything. This post is *not* a request for compliments or affirmation.. this post is an expression of a desire to be filled with Jesus and be a real, open, honest, legit, beautiful woman of God. In my heart I know God values me no matter what I feel like I've done with my life, but there are just days where it's hard make my emotions correspond with the truth. Today I long for the joy of the Spirit filling me over full. 
"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Be Mine

I'm writing this in the last 15 minutes of Valentines Day. I'm excited for it to be over. 
It's been a reallly long day. My day started at 7:15 when I woke up and got ready for class and made sure I packed my lunch into my bookbag (Now that I think of it... I left my bananas in there.. shoot.. need to take them out). I got on the bus at 8:06 and sat in class from 8:30-9:20. I ate breakfast from 9:30-10 and then hurried off to a review session from 10-11:30. I was in class 11:30-1pm and then I had an hour to eat lunch and study for an exam. Then I was in class 2pm-3:15 and had an exam at 3:30. 
Upon arriving back at my apartment in the evening, I sprawled out on my carpet for 45 minutes before getting up and walking out the door to a leaders meeting from 6:15-7:35 and then drove to Salt and was there from 8-10pm. Then after that.. I went to a Valentines Day party until 11:30. And now is now. 


Fulllllllllllllllll day. I did, however, get the wonderful pleasure of seeing Josh on this fine tuesday for our brief breakfast and then was extra surprised when he sat down with me at lunch. (Totally not planned or expected.) It was delightful. :)


Also today, facebook is full of 2 things. 
1) Girls posting pictures of their flowers, chocolates and candies
2) People complaining about being single. 


My thoughts)
I hate facebook. 

Y'know what I want?

Everyone has a desire. Everyone wants something. 


Unfortunately,  Not everyone can pinpoint what exactly it is they want. Some people think it's money and they strive for it, spend it, save it, waste it, use it.. eventually they find out it's not money that they want. 
Some people think it's romantic relationships with other people. They chase after them, move from one to another, get their hearts broken, break other people's hearts, give away their bodies and exhaust their emotions... eventually they find out it's not romantic relationships that they want. 
Some people think it's time. They fill it, they waste it, they use it, they let it go by, they make plans, they try to use it cure broken hearts, get over disappointments, and for letting bitterness and brokenness fester. Eventually they find out no matter how much time goes by, it's not something that satisfies. 


And then there are those who give up finding what it is their hearts desire and start filling their emptiness with drinking, partying, living vicariously through movies, smoking, eating, and harming their bodies. 
They are empty. They want something, they don't know what it is... but they want it. 


So what is it? Of course everyone says in unison, "Love. Everyone is just seeking to be loved."


I think that word is over-used. Sure everyone wants love. That's why they enter into relationship after relationship. And then, after they get into the relationship, they want to be valued. When they are valued they want to be served. When they are served they want to be spoiled. When they are spoiled they want everyone and their mother to cater to their every wish. 


Everyone wants love? Well, yes, but people don't know what love is when they say that's what they want. They still have no clue. That's why they look for it all over the place. 


So imagine that someone puts you in a room you've never been in before, it's big and has a lot of obstacles big and small. You don't know what or where the obstacles are because you were blindfolded prior to being lead into the room. Now this person tells you to look for an object and gives a vague description of it. You've never heard of this object before but it sounds really nice so you're going to look for it because you really want it. You cant see, so you trip a lot over the obstacles and it brings a lot of pain and bruises. Feeling things with your hands doesn't help much and so you end up smelling, tasting and listening to lots of different things but you still don't know what the heck it is you're looking for and you feel nasty after trying so many different things. Doesn't really sound like very much fun, does it?


You can't really find something when you don't know what it looks like, what it feels like, what is sounds like, what it tastes like and what it smells like. So how can people say they are looking for love? 


The world is broken. The world brings difficult moments. The world lacks love. 


So why the depressing post? Because, today I had a moment. Brief and precious. A taste of something sweet. I've known for a long time about the emptiness and the pain and the sorrow and the heart-wrenching events that the world encounters, but what if... what if... there was a cure? What if there was a place where pain did not exist? What if there wasn't death? What if there was someone who was in love with you and would never ever ever break your heart. More than that, they would never hurt you, they would never be impatient with you, they would never get sick of you. What if there was a such thing as a perfect relationship? What if there was a place where you were always safe and never experienced being insecure? A place that was never cold, never cloudy, never sad. It sounds so beautiful. 


Today, for the briefest, sweetest, shortest amount of time... I got a glimpse of such a place. I can't describe it really. It happened whilst I was driving home after a long morning. I was listening to a song and Jesus, spoke to me in it. For a very brief moment I was standing in a garden with Jesus. It was beautiful and peaceful and I was completely unaware of any pain, stress, sadness or darkness. My heart was overwhelmed with Love and I told Jesus, "I just want to be with you forever. I never want to leave." He smiled at me and then it was gone. I was aware of myself back in my car again, of course I still felt Jesus with me, not as strong as before, but he was still with me. 


But that moment made me long for Jesus. Made me long for eternity. I want to be with Jesus. I want that perfection. 

Yknow what people want? They want God. They want God because God is Love.  Everyone in their heart of hearts whether they admit to it or not desires God. They run from that fact and fill themselves with other things and they know the other things leave them empty. They know they're in pain, they know what it is to be lonely, they know they're broken. They know so much... and so little. They don't know that the sooner they let go and let God, the better their life will be. God came to give life and life to the full. And so, 


 " Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

  This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit.  And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.  If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

   God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

 We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen."

Do you want to know what Jesus wants to say to you?
Listen to this song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IduHRMRcy9A

Forgiven Much?

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. " -1 Peter 5:6-10

 "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

   “Now have come the salvation and the power
   and the kingdom of our God,
   and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
   who accuses them before our God day and night,
   has been hurled down." -Revelation 12:10

I've spent the last week not really pursuing God intentionally but I have not grown distant from Him either. 

I've been feeling kind of sick actually, mostly Spiritually, but just a little touch physically.. like I've had a rock at the bottom of my stomach. 

I've also been really up and down the last week also. Obviously I started out way down. I would have a feeling of joy and would experience defeat all over again. 

It wasn't until I started my quiet time this morning that I realized what was going on exactly. More than week ago I made it a goal to give my first to God. Starting with giving him the first hour of my day. I would wake up at 6 am and feast on His word and lose myself in His love. I was really enjoying my time with Jesus and it seemed so perfect ..that was until I hit a bump in the road. I was knocked flat on my back with the wind completely knocked out of me and I think I've spent the last week recovering from that. My quiet times were fairly non-existent apart from small moments throughout my day when I would cry out to Jesus for joy or ask Jesus what I needed to do. 

All the while I kept hearing that verse that goes, "You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?" replaying over and over in the back of my mind. Mostly, I kept hearing the phrase, "Who cut in on you?" 
It wasn't so much that I felt like someone cut in on me, I felt more like I'd been completely clothes-lined. I knew Jesus was trying to tell me something but I rather wanted to lay on the ground for a bit and contemplate life. 

I don't know if you've ever been clothes-lined or have witnessed it.. but it's rather painful. I remember one time at camp my best friend and I were headed back to our room for the night and my sister started running at top speed to beat us home or ask a question or something (I don't remember why she was running) but I saw her about to run between two trees and I turned to my friend and asked, "Wasn't there some reason why we never pass between those trees?" She was about to respond when we saw my sister stop, spring back and trip. We couldn't see the clothes-line because it was nighttime but we remembered pretty quickly what was special about the trees when my sister hit the ground. 

When I do my quiet time with Jesus I write everything out in a prayer journal because it helps me to know what I'm thinking, what Jesus is telling me, and I get to look back and see what Jesus has done with prayers I've offered up to Him. I've learned a lot about forgiveness in my lifetime and how it affects my walk with Jesus. I lived in such a dark place of unforgiveness for so long that I'm well aware of how dangerous it is to harbor anything in your heart. 

Ever since I had my clothesline moment I've kept thinking about this issue of forgiveness. I've told Jesus a couple of times that all is forgiven from that time and Jesus has let me feel forgiveness. At least.. mostly. As I was writing in my journal this morning I realized something I haven't noticed about myself before. I found myself writing that I could easily forgive someone for rejecting me but I could not forgive myself of being worthy of rejection. Soon after that, Jesus was quick to intervene. 

He was quick to bring to my mind about the devil is always seeking to devour and how he accused day and night. I do not have those verses memorized and I had to do several google searches before I understood what Jesus was telling me. 

Mostly, I was believing things that are not true of me because I belong to Jesus. 

And these little seeds of untruth have been growing on rich soil in my heart for the last 3 or 4 years. I know this because about three or four years ago I received a couple well-intentioned letters that stated a few things about me that were totally untrue of me at the time but i took them all to heart and believed myself to be such a huge fail in my relationship with Jesus that all someone could say about me after a few short encounters was that I was good at faking a relationship with God. I had been walking with Jesus for almost a year at that point and, while Jesus was still working on my heart, had made some pretty substantial changes in my life. I read the main letter over and over and over again. It was like an official document saying "You failed Jesus." For a while I kept the letter posted on the bulletin board in my room so I would always remember and do my best to do better. All the while people would tell not to let the devil have a foothold but I held on and justified that it must be truth since a year later I was given a replacement copy after I was told to get rid of the original. Eventually the letter was moved to a drawer where I would only read it on occasion. 


I guess I didn't realize how I'd become a slave to it. For as many times as I've forgiven others of wronging me, for as many times as I've forgiven the author of the letter, for as many times as I've asked Jesus for forgiveness of my own wrongs, I have never really thought about forgiving myself. 
So, when my clothesline moment happened, of course everything came back. I was so very convinced I failed in a big way. I am a people pleaser and I want *every*one to always like me. More than that, I love Jesus a lot and I want *every*one to *always* see Jesus in me. If someone finds a character flaw in me, automatically I experience a truckload of guilt. I've thought that was normal, like it was the Holy Spirit convicting me of sin in my life. But, I've also heard people say we don't need to carry guilt anymore because Jesus freed us.

So this past week, at my request, I had the infamous letter(s) sent to me so I could see if my life still matched what it did when I was 16. To my surprise... it didn't. There was no sting in reading the words, there was no truth to them at all. One of the truths that i had to memorize in high school was, "I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins." Funny how you can hear something multiple times before you really understand it. 


Anyways, it's amazing what Jesus has to do to get our attention sometimes, and I'm not proud that it took so long to realize what I have been letting take up residence in my heart. But, it's good to be aware of it so I can let Jesus get rid of it. 


 Luke 7:47
"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”


So what is the truth about me? I love much for I have been forgiven much. 

Recovering Alcoholics Shouldn't Run Liquor Stores

So, this sounds really lame, but sometimes I have status updates run through my head as I move from task to task. 

For example, last night I did my first shift at the coffee shop where I'm volunteering and there were a lot of moments where I thought of various things that might bring a smile to one's face if one read it. One of the things was, "You know it's an awkward first date when the girl isn't talking and the guy no longer finds entertainment in staring at the walls and has now reverted to admiring the ceiling." Like I said, I had several similar moments and it provided myself some entertainment as we had an hour or two without any customers. 

Right, so, coffee shop! I've always wanted to work in a coffee shop. It smells delightful, it has a warm atmosphere, you get to see people, they're cute, they're quaint, and there is an air of sophistication when one studies or reads in a coffee shop on a rainy day. When I was studying elementary education I always told my mom it would be nice to have a coffee shop as my fall back. But everyone knows, if you're in college and you have the choice of dream vs. career, you pick career because it gets you more $ and hopefully helps to pay off your education to get there. 

To my absolute delight, I found out that social workers run coffee shops. Working in a coffee shop is a brand of social work. AHhhhhh!!! That's pretty neat. 

So, yeah, I have to volunteer 45 hours for my social work class and it just so happens there's a coffee shop on campus (in the department of social work) that takes volunteers. I work the 5-9 shift on Thursdays. The only difficult thing with that is smelling coffee for 4 hours straight really makes me miss drinking it. Its been 34 days since my last cup of coffee. This is the longest amount of time I've gone without coffee since I was 16 years old. I'm just counting down the days until I can welcome it's richness and glory back into my life. Just 42 or so more. :/  This is so difficult. My senior year in highschool there was a fellow student in my government class who bet my $15 I couldn't go three days without coffee. I suffered through a miserable weekend of no coffee just to spite him (and get $15). 3 days seems like a walk in the park now... 

I feel like a recovering alcoholic in a liquor store. I have a coupon for a free cup of coffee in my backpack, and I work the closing shift and they let us take the leftovers home. :/ The temptation is strong. 

Must. Resist.