(Written Feb, 2020)
Hello and Goodbye to January 2020. Also, happy 10 years of existence to this blog...which has now become more of an online public journal.
I thought about doing my usual late Christmas/New Years letter here... as of course I completely failed to finish and get that out... but even then, my brain cannot think enough thoughts to truly make it worth the read.
2019 in review goes like this: I was pregnant, I was super sick, lots of puking and swelling, baby flipped herself breach in the last few weeks, couldn't be flipped back, had a c-section. Baby joined our outside world, we like her a lot. We traveled to Oregon for Thanksgiving and that was fun, we went to my parents for Christmas and all got the plague and nearly died (Thats exaggerated slightly) and then here we are. Exciting but not all at once.
I have exactly one New Years resolution. Nearly three years ago I experienced a deep hurt by someone I had thought was a friend. But in an instant everything shattered and they said horrible things and expressed a deep hatred for me (which was very out of left field at the time) and I've been rather a mess ever since. And I've hated them in return, honestly. Their spouse hates me as well, probably more so than the former friend, so I've rather disliked both of them. And this year I resolve to be free of everything that has to do with that whole horrible encounter.
I once thought I knew the key to healing and being whole. And perhaps I know it in my head.. obviously isn't Jesus the answer for everything? Sure. But actually, this one wont fix over night. And perhaps won't fix for years to come. My husband has been the most patient and gallant leader through it all, and I probably wouldn't care much to work on the resolution if I didn't see how much he loves me and hurts to see me still so wounded and broken still.
I will say, that forgiving despicable people is 100% super natural. Especially when now, 3 years later, I still see them on occasion and they are still cold towards me and still have 0 ounce of love in their hearts for me and a lot of times they're just pouring salt on a still open wound. I don't expect them to change, nor do I wish for there ever to be any sort of restoration of the relationship, my wish is for my own heart to be completely whole and restored and for me to be able to pass them on the street and not remember so vividly the demonic encounter that was born straight from hell.
Anyways, that is the most honest, live look into me.
