Friday, January 7, 2011

It's about time



It has been a long while since I posted anything and so I thought I may as well since I have the time. I feel like this blog is kinda like how things go down with my quiet times with Jesus sometimes. You can do it regularly and things are going well.. and then you miss a bit.. then a bit more.. and the next thing you know you are kind like "meh" and don't really feel motivated to do it at all. ... if that made sense. I'm not sure if it did.

So, this will be another ramble post... since it seems to be the theme of life at the mome. Hmm.. so sometimes I use words that sound right but they don't always mean what I'm trying to convey.. so I looked up the word "ramble" and it means
1. to wander around in a leisurely, aimless manner: Theyrambled through the shops until closing time.

2.to take a course with many turns or windings, as a streamor path.


3.to talk or write in a discursive, aimless way (usually fol. byon ): The speaker rambled on with anecdote after anecdote.



Ok, yup. That's my life. At least.. that is how I feel. This last month or two or three I've been trying to piece things together in my mind and try to figure out if I've realized how God has used certain instances in my life for the better yet or if I'm still in the dark on why somethings have happened the way they did. Somethings yes, other things no. For example... ministry switching. I just switched to a whole different campus ministry. Which means my circle of friends is going to switch because I will see some friends more and other friends less. So why was I supposed to join the one ministry that I did and make friends with the people I did? And why did I work so hard and stress so much to impress the friends I had made and make such an effort for them to like me and accept me when some of those friendships were obviously not legit enough to stay in tacked after a three-month summer vacation? Why didn't I listen to God the first time I knew I was in the wrong place and then set myself up for more pain and disappointment than necessary? So my big question is "why?" but I feel like the question I'm wrestling with most is "what was God doing?"

At the beginning of last semester I was praying with a brand new circle of friends and I shared with them my frustration about my freshman year and how I felt like I had spiritually wasted an entire year and that I had not grown spiritually at all and I had completely failed and all this stuff. And this girl whom I had known for less than an hour prayed that I would realize that while I hadn't felt that I had grown closer to God, God had grown in me and my roots were being strengthened. That was kinda like a slap in the face. Because I realized, God doesn't take breaks from working on our lives. He doesn't put you on a back-burner and say "hold on.. you wait while I bless this person over here.." I think it's easy for me to spiritually compare myself to others. It's a pride thing.. and it's wrong I know. But you look at the people around you and you can kinda see how they're doing spiritually by how they act. Granted.. I think a lot of us like to believe that our spiritual lives are personal and no one else can see how we're doing. Obviously not true..the state of our spiritual lives affects us AND the people around us. When we are discouraged.. we can unintentionally discourage others with our pessimistic attitudes. When we are bitter, it seeps out in our attitude, our language, our emotions.. and it is so detrimental to people around us. When we are filled with joy, it can be contagious! :)

So, when we are in a spiritually valley and feeling distant from God and then you see all these other people who have joy and are growing closer to God and are doing awesome things cause they're letting God use them.. it's not uncommon for there to be a little jealousy. That's how I felt. After an entire freshman year of spiritual darkness and distance and bitterness and painful happenings, I was so upset that I had to endure that. Like.. what is the point if it doesn't bring me closer to God in the end? I think it was a perfect opportunity for me to start to realize the depth of my wicked heart. All the friends I had "invested" in weren't exactly my ideal for friends. The people God had put in my life were not like my Christian friends back home and I had to learn not to count on Christian fellowship to have a spiritually healthy relationship with God. This is why: Not every Christian you meet is going to have a solid relationship with God. Not every Christian friend you have is going to build you up.. especially if they are spiritually struggling themselves.

It took a while before I realized that I was pursuing relationships with people more than a relationship with Christ. Completely trusting my own strength and abilities to surround myself with the right friends. I never felt like I found the right friends.. but they were "friends" and that was all I needed to survive freshman year. This philosophy did not work out very well and it let to some hurtful times with my new "friends" which lead to feeling even more distant from God and more pain and less time growing closer to God cuz I was trying to figure everything else. Ahh.. it was all a mess.

Anyways.. Now that I've had a while to step back and try to see what God was doing.. I've realized.. I'm not in control. At all. Ever. And thank goodness... because when I think I'm in control.. everything falls apart. I know God has been working in m, teaching me how to have joy when life gets rough. Some times I don't feel like I'm much of a blessing to others.. But I know that God for sure uses others to bless me, and for that.. I am thankful :)
"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you."
Romans 8:6-11