I think that I intended to blog a lot more lately than I have. Which lends to the need for an update blog rather than an emotional thoughts blog.
I think it is fairly safe to say I have settled down. At least, I'm fairly certain I finally obtained my goal of being in the same town two weekends in a row. What a mile stone! For the first time since, March of this year. My staying put was nothing glamorous or exciting, quite the opposite, actually. Just me, in my apartment, with hours of Sunday afternoon stretched in front of me. I'm terrible at entertaining myself and I basically struggled through it, but! Goal achieved. Ironically enough, I'm currently back on the farm, working for my meals, as I've quite run out of sustanence back in DM and it seems silly to spend money on food when rent is coming up next week. A roof over head is much more costly, anyhow.
My other motivations for coming back were life things like, meeting a surgeon to have my shoulder examined to see what fixin might be done, lucky me, no surgery needed. My muscles, are simply stretched too far out and are no longer holding my shoulder blade up and my clavical bone keeps catching on the other bones, which lends to the most painful snapping, popping, sounds I've been experiencing. More shoulder strength exercises are all to be done.
No news on the job front, really. An upcoming interview this Friday! I'm only excited because this is the first interview I've acquired where I didn't have to call and remind the company I exist. I've quite given up all hope in truly obtaining employment, however, as it seems I shall simply be scraping by until my lease ends in May and then I shall move to somewhere else and reinvent a new life for myself. Being a young corporate employee seems overrated to me, anyhow. I'm much too proud to work a job that doesn't take a degree...I worked hard for that degree, after all. There were far too many thousands of tears spent for the right to have a job not equal to highschool level education. Far too many people look down on my current employment status for me to accept something low. Besides, I have goals that require funds, anyhow.
Which brings me to grad school. I never intended grad school during my time in undergrad. I hated the stress of studying and impending deadlines and requirements. So much stress. When my sister did her grad school during my undergrad years, I found myself consistently thankful that when I finished school, I'd be finished with school and I'd be spending my evenings stress-free, socializing like there was no tomorrow and staying out stupid late for the time I'd have to be at work in the morning. Thankful to be graduated I certainly have been. However, bored. Surprisingly enough, the world does not share my enthuse for a good party on a Tuesday night. In fact, my peers out in the real world consider themselves 'professionals' and they sleep at 10pm and awake at 6am. I did that in college when there were deadlines. Papers to write, meetings to attend and grades to achieve.
All that is to say, I'm going back to school. Currently I'm simply studying for my GRE. A 4hour long exam testing all that is important in life and if you score high enough, you are free to spend all your thousands of dollars on an education so the world will give you pats on the back. That's how I view grad school after sifting through jobs someone with a simple four-year-degree-from-a-prestigious-university can get.
Biblical counseling is my goal. I fully intend to do the ministry the Lord made my heart to want to do and if I'm so required by the world to make money doing it, so be it. Feel free to pray for my sanity as I attempt to relearn all the math I so gladly forgot when I told myself I'd never need math for my existence back in highschool.
I'm not bitter, really. Just frustrated that existence requires so much finances. And frustrated that all of the world's approval of my existence is so dependent on said finances. And topped off with the frustration that I seem to fall short in being wanted by the world by way of employment.
I guess you could say that the real world isn't half what I expected it to be. There are no parties or socials, and I wouldn't be able to afford them if there were. Perhaps I expected that all foundations I built for my life throughout college would apply everywhere and I'd be set to build and grow wherever. True it is not. But it is simply the discomfort of readjustment than an excuse for complaint. I have nothing of which I am not thankful, just frustrations over the things that are taking much longer than I thought.
It is a constant reminder that my identity fully belongs to Christ and not one single human has right to speak otherwise. I'm learning to put roots down only spiritually, and simply float everywhere else.
That is all of my life at this point. The tricky balance of chooses where to devout my limited funds and growing very dizzy holding my breath for jobs that I will not have.
