Peace in Chaos

Since I don't often SHARE these blogs when I write them, this blogsite has become a bit of a public journal of sorts for all to find when stalking into my online presence. Ha

So anyways.. congrats! You found my secret public journal/ diary thing where I share my thoughts with whomever cares to know them. Its a quiet Saturday morning at the start of August and my child is napping in her highchair and will hopefully remain that way for at least 30 more minutes. (The highchair reclines into a bed situation if you're at all imagining her head being all slumped over)

Shane and I just celebrated our 3rd marriage anniversary and it was a lovely reminder of still being best friends and whimsically in love. I say reminder, because life can be busy and chaotic and its possible to find yourself questioning where you're at with everything. No worries, we're doing great. In fact, trying to master the restart... again. Because here's the deal.. you start off all in love and get all this energy from serving each other and trying to anticipate the others needs and getting a rush from being selfless. Like, "Oh, you're eating popcorn, I'm sure you'll be thirsty, let me get you some water before you even realize you're thirsty" or "you've had a long day, let me have supper ready and the house picked up and your towel warming in the dryer for when you get out of the shower." *sigh* If you're married without any small humans... keep on doing that thing. Because, we added a human and it's easy to just..ask and expect things from eachother and become more self-focused when you both feel like you're carrying all the burdens. 
Shane works fullllll time and I'm more part-timey. He carries the financial burden on his own and whatever my paycheck is usually goes into savings or extra payments on the house. He works hard and comes home tired and exhausted. But I have the baby all day which can be a lot and then the house and when Shane gets home I want help and a break and just a moment to think. And he gets home and he wants a break and a moment to think. And pretty soon you're not all in sync like you need to be if you're running a three-legged-race. You start going opposite and tripping. 

I'd say 90% of our conflict is when we are WANTING from eachother without much giving and having unmet expectations. And you have to keep restarting and apologizing and thinking more on what you can do for eachother and then lifting eachother's burdens comes more naturally and doesn't seem like extra work and it frees up everything. At least, that seems to be the wisdom I've gleaned lately. 

Anyways, keeping walking with the Lord goes a long way for not getting too focused on yourself and your own wants and desires and burdens. My sis-in-love has been saying lately, "Quiet time doesn't have to be quiet" and that is actually very inspiring to me. 
In college I'd go off on these retreats and wake up by a lake and do my quiet time with coffee on a dock or in a meadow or on a porch on some foggy misty morning that just made everything so...intense. 
"I sensed God's nearness".....I'm finding in my adulthood that slowing down doesn't necessarily MEAN coffee by still waters. And God's nearness doesn't leave you and just because you're not having some major feelings of peace and tranquility doesn't mean you're not near to God. Peace in your heart doesn't eliminate chaos from your life. 

Your life can still seem chaotic and people in your life can still be awful and mean and malicious and you can feel like God is just running in circles around you without stepping in but that's not reality. 
Reality is Him laying a steadying hand on you to keep you from fighting back, and providing comfort and healing when the woundings don't stop. We aren't promised heaven now, we're promised heaven later, and we often mistake our tastes of heaven as affirmation that we've got it "Right." 

Perhaps I've just become a little more cynical, but I'd like to think I'm just an optimistic realist. Because life is actually kind of ugly sometimes. And being a Christian, believer, person of the faith doesn't exempt you from that stuff. Sometimes the worst people you know are people who also claim to be believing Christians. And you have to..."Fellowship" with them... and it's like rubbing a blister raw over and over and never getting to be healed. And you REALLY have to pursue the Lord to keep from being bitter and horrible back to them. And its frustrating because you think, "How long must I keep turning my other cheek?" and the answer is, "For the rest of your life." LITERALLY years. 

So anyways... another pro-tip for to the marriage thing, don't let your battles with awful people become something you battle your spouse with. Like... just because your spouse is trying to guide your attitude to a better place, does not mean they're siding against you. 

Ha.. so anyways.. I find it funny that I live on a pond. Every day my few is quiet waters and a windmill and little fish sometimes splashing out of the water. I have the perfect combo for perfect quiet times everyday. But if you're heart isn't quiet, nothing is quiet. And I'm learning that what goes on inside me is a whole lot more important than my circumstances on the outside of me. 

To Be Still and Know

April 6th, 2020

Hello All! I'm home, I'm starting to get bored, I figured it's time to dust off the ol' public journal...errr I mean blog. I was homeschooled until I was 17, guys. HOMESCHOOLED. I should be well prepared for this quarantine thing. I should be a master. BUT, even then I had youth group and church to break up the days at home. PLUS, I lived in the days of instant messenger on facebook and MSN and I feel like TYPE chatting to people was also helpful. I haven't washed my hair/done make up in a long time.. so I'm not big into video calls.. but if anyone wants to type chat, I'm here for it. 

OKAY.. anyways.. thats a quick peep into my current life. We're all holed up, we're all doing a million Instagram challenges and we're all getting sick of them at the same time. 

Yesterday I finished my second book since the shut down started and in TRYING to keep off my phone, I experienced straight up boredom. I was so bored! I started unloading my dishwasher and cleaning things ( Which I USUALLY dislike doing). Guys, I'm caught up on laundry. My bed is made. These are all miraculous things that don't happen when my life is full of things and places to go and parties to host and attend and life. 

I had a nephew say the most profound things once when looking into my overly stuffed and pack trunk of my car, I said, "ha.. my trunk is a mess!" and his profound 5 year-old self said, "It's not a mess! It just has a lot of stuff in it." (MY HEART!) Profound. BECAUSE, when life is crazy and my laundry spilling out of the dryer and my closet and the floor, my house a mess but its because my life has a lot of stuff in it. 

Anyways, life has slowed down quite a lot lately. Instead of our Sunday rush of going to church, coming home and quick grabbing lunch before Shane's volley ball game and then quick rushing home to give Emma a little attention before rushing off to my Women's Bible study. And that's just how our SUNDAYS went. Monday through Friday was mixed with work and being at the school to direct play practice, connection group and whatever other sports event going on. Busy, good, full. 

But, God has been doing major reconstructive surgery on my heart lately and being busy doesn't really work very well when God wants you to be still and know Him. Any of my blogs written in the last several years touch on it a little. To sum up, right before Shane and I got married, one of our good friends at the time wrote this really long letter with some very unkind things in it but claimed it was all inspired by "God" and when we attempted to address the issues and restore the relationship, it went very poorly and we had to walk away from that friendship indefinitely. I've spent a good amount of the last 3 years sorting out God's true nature, my identity in Christ and how to love people who aren't loving. I never thought I'd be one to struggle so  much to love another person, but it's been a real battle. But, my husband has been a brave leader these last 3 years as well. Forcing me to pray when I didn't think I could. Forcing me to ask for healing when it felt like it hurt too much to fix. Reading scripture over me when I didn't have a taste for it.  But, the Lord laid it on my heart to be "Over it" by the end of this year. I mean, honestly, 3 years is already too long to be broken, right? But when your heart gets shredded, I don't think you can put a timeline on WHEN you'll be healed again. But, for me, it's time.

And the busy-free time to be still has opened up a space for me to rest in the Lord. To rest my heart in the Truth. 

2020

(Written Feb, 2020)


Hello and Goodbye to January 2020. Also, happy 10 years of existence to this blog...which has now become more of an online public journal.

I thought about doing my usual late Christmas/New Years letter here... as of course I completely failed to finish and get that out... but even then, my brain cannot think enough thoughts to truly make it worth the read.

2019 in review goes like this: I was pregnant, I was super sick, lots of puking and swelling, baby flipped herself breach in the last few weeks, couldn't be flipped back, had a c-section. Baby joined our outside world, we like her a lot. We traveled to Oregon for Thanksgiving and that was fun, we went to my parents for Christmas and all got the plague and nearly died (Thats exaggerated slightly) and then here we are. Exciting but not all at once. 

I have exactly one New Years resolution. Nearly three years ago I experienced a deep hurt by someone I had thought was a friend. But in an instant everything shattered and they said horrible things and expressed a deep hatred for me (which was very out of left field at the time) and I've been rather a mess ever since. And I've hated them in return, honestly. Their spouse hates me as well, probably more so than the former friend, so I've rather disliked both of them. And this year I resolve to be free of everything that has to do with that whole horrible encounter. 

I once thought I knew the key to healing and being whole. And perhaps I know it in my head.. obviously isn't Jesus the answer for everything? Sure. But actually, this one wont fix over night. And perhaps won't fix for years to come. My husband has been the most patient and gallant leader through it all, and I probably wouldn't care much to work on the resolution if I didn't see how much he loves me and hurts to see me still so wounded and broken still. 

I will say, that forgiving despicable people is 100% super natural. Especially when now, 3 years later, I still see them on occasion and they are still cold towards me and still have 0 ounce of love in their hearts for me and a lot of times they're just pouring salt on a still open wound. I don't expect them to change, nor do I wish for there ever to be any sort of restoration of the relationship, my wish is for my own heart to be completely whole and restored and for me to be able to pass them on the street and not remember so vividly the demonic encounter that was born straight from hell. 

Anyways, that is the most honest, live look into me.