And hear we are a YEAR later. I have only grasped that concept on account the roommate that is getting married and will no longer be on our housing lease is already moved out and fairly settled into her new apartment. Aye yi yi.. time flies so fast. So, let's re-cap:
Here's the big one: I GOT HIRED!!! Officially. As in, the search for employment is over. (Big deal, Fern, you got a job last October..) Well.. I was originally just a temp with a deadline: April 12th would be the day my life was thrown back into unknown and job search. BUT, God bless MetLife, they decided to keep me. And as of April 11th, I've been a real life Annuities Analyst. That sounds fancy doesn't it?? I like saying.. after all the times people would ask me what I do and I'd say, "I'm looking for a job." And they'd get all quiet and try to change the subject.. YES I was fully aware that I wasn't contributing to society. Now I am. AND I actually love it.
If someone would told me ahead of time that this would be my life I wouldn't have ever gone to the interview or accepted the job... well.. in my mind I think that.. but I was REAL DESPERATE for ANYTHING by the time this interview and job offer came around.. so who knows. BUT! I do love it. My co-workers are literally the best. They make me laugh, they share their coffee with me, they help me with all of my questions.. they're literally the best. While I'm fully aware that the daily grind can make anyone lose one's sense of purpose or goals, I have only been more encouraged.
Here's the funnest thing: When I was first hired I told the Lord, "I'll go, but I don't really wanna do this alone. So.. send along another." And I know I wrote about the Christian lady who shares a cube wall with me.. but the Lord had for me a bigger surprise. There was a sweet girl about my age hired just after me. AND she came straight outta camp ministry. She loves Jesus and she LIVES Jesus.. and the two of us seem to be making progress. She sees our office space as a mission field just as I do and she's got courage and visions for our office bigger than I do. She wants to get a Bible study started and she's not shy in having spiritual conversations. We both talk about the Lord as we stop over at each other's desks or meet up in the break room or hall way. I'm hoping we're planting and watering seeds along the way. Other co-workers have begun to speak more openly about their faith and walks of life.. I LOVE it and I hope it keeps going. (MORE TO COME ON THAT ONE)
This is just a picture of a proud moment. Let's be honest, in my childhood, I decided I'd get married when I was 22 or 23 and have a man to do all of the things men aughta do. LOL.
Okay well, I DO live in an apartment.. so there is a maintenance man who is supposed to do some of the things a man aughta do.. like fix to toilet paper dispenser. We put in a work order before Christmas time.. that never happened. My beautiful and wise mother gave me the perfect little screw-driver set for Christmas and I felt like a good responsible adult when I fixed the thing myself. I tell this story more to brag about my mom. If you have a mom who give screw drivers and tape measures for Christmas, hug her and kiss her face and tell her she's the best. If you have a mom who has taught you how to USE those screw drivers and tape measures by example because she fixes and builds things all the time, GOOD GRACIOUS.. it's Mother's Day.. GO TELL HER SHE'S THE BEST.
Okay.. Here's another thing I love about being in the work-world: Reading. READING A LOT.
Okay.. I'm actually REALLY extroverted and need humans 98% of the time. BUT, being an adult means that you do the daily grind thing, get off at 5pm, and ration out the precious hours before you go to bed and do it all over again. When I first graduated college, I was a nanny. And I (Hopefully my nanny mom's aren't appalled by this if they read this) would sometimes be out late with friends nights before I had to work. And it worked out because my kids usually took naps and we all took our breaks together. SO, getting stuck in a ditch at 1am when I had to be to work at 5am wasn't that much of a concern to me at all times.. it was more important that I was stuck in a ditch with my friends. WHO NEEDS SLEEP WHEN YOU HAVE FRIENDS??? Lol... Well.. now I get off work and.. read. Or play my ukulele. What an introvert. BUT! I could tell you all of the books I've read and you'd be proud (Hopefully.) I've already read 20 books this year! |
| This was a RARE capture of the kids doing what they were told I couldn't believe it happened so I took a picture. (Also, we had 18 kids, not just 3) |
Here's the other thing: I've been doing Awana. This Tuesday is the closing ceremony!! I'm going to be really honest, as much as I loved Awana the first couple months last fall, it got real hard, real fast and the last Awana before Christmas break it was the roughest hard night with the kiddos. I ended having a complete break down when the main leader guy asked me how I was doing. I opened my mouth to say, "it's been a rough night." And all of the sudden I was crying multiple tears out of both my eyes and gasping for breath, crying harder than I have in who-knows-how long and couldn't even say words. So in a bug-eyed, bewildered, completely-caught-off-guard face, he asked, "We're the kids pretty tough tonight?" And I shook my head yes while trying to catch my breath and when I couldn't I just grabbed my coat and walked out. Fifteen minutes early.
It took lots of pep-talks from my roommate and my mom to go convince myself to go back when it started again in January. And I only went back to see if I aughta resign from the gig in-person. And I've taken it one week at a time since then. Sometimes I cried on my drive home, sometimes I cried on the way there in anticipation.
And that's only to say, I learned that Awana is not my gifting. Young kids ministry is not my gifting. It's been quite the stretching of my heart and DEFINITELY humbling. Half of me wants to apologize to all of the kids and the two humans I share awana duties with and say I'm sorry for coming up short or for volunteering for a job for which I didn't qualify. BUT, I'm prouder than than anything that I stuck it out and only missed the week I was in Nicaragua.
Since Awana was my "only ministry" this year, I've really struggled with feeling completely worthless for the Lord. I think Ive mentioned that in other blogs.
BUT here's the exciting thing from work that has my heart SO EXCITED:
The other day one of the member from a different team at my office came over to introduce himself to the people on my team and when he got to me he asked where I'd come from. When we got to the part where I had studied Psychology at the University of Iowa, he asked what I was doing next. "What do you mean by 'Next'?", I asked? "You psychologist don't get your degrees to be annuity reps you're whole life, what's next?" He responded.
"Oh!! My grad program will be in Marriage and Family Therapy."
And he got all excited, grabbed a chair and said, "Okay then, are you really busy? I gotta talk to you." I told him my case load wasn't bad and he mentioned to my manager he was going to talk to me for a bit.
He pulled his chair up and asked my opinion on love. After I asked him to clarify how he meant by that question he asked if it's possible to lose love. I explained to him the different definitions of love in the Greek explanation and said that Agape was unconditional love and that one cannot be lost.
He was thoughtful for a bit and then went on to share that that he feels like his love has been violated a lot of times and he's been through hard things.
I thought for a moment before telling him, "Well, it's been my experience that as we experience hard things, our heart tries to put up walls to protect us, but those walls can also prevent us from giving or receiving love. And it's also been my experience that the only forgiveness can set you free to love and be loved again. But that's the hardest decision to make, and the one we like the least and sometimes we can't forgive times we've been violated on our own strength.But it's the only solution."
And he pondered that a second before saying that he believes God has brought him through a lot of hard things for a reason. But he hasn't figured out what that reason is yet.
And then the conversation ended as abruptly as it had started. I was stunned and shocked that it had even happened, but it made my entire day. It was a good reminder that my job isn't my end-all and awana isn't going to be the sole representation of my ministry.
And with that hope, I press on, To be a light to my co-workers and a blessing to those around me. And honestly, MOST DAYS, I feel crappy about it. I feel like I'm not good enough, obvious enough, sweet enough, kind enough, or servant enough or selfless to be Jesus to the people around me. But I have hope treasured in jars of clay that where my heart has been broken and re-crafted, and chipped and re-pasted, that is where the light comes through. That is where people can see Jesus best. Thank the Lord for broken hearts, people.
Broken people, loved by God can reach the broken world that is loved by God.
