Loving Well

The Lord has been pressing on my heart the last couple weeks this great call to love others. 
I am not, by nature, a loving person. I wish I could say I was, but I am not and I don't think I ever will be. By nature that is. But when I am in God and He in me, I just love to love people. My pastor recently spoke at Salt Company and stated, "Loved people love people." True as can be. 

The ironic thing about this is that while I was preparing myself to draft this post on loving others, I quite unexpectedly found myself being challenged (legitimately challenged) to love an other person.  It was rather humbling and I found myself quite stunned with a million unloving things running through my head and I had half a mind to speak them out loud. By God's grace (seriously a miracle) I kept mouth shut and literally went to my computer and googled "Loving others well" and watched a sermon, which did my heart a world of good. 

It's a wonder to me, with all the tragedy that has happened lately such as the Boston bombings and shooting sprees lately, that so many people question why people do hurtful things. I feel like people should be more questioning when someone does something loving, after all, being selfless is not all that common in today's culture. 

But it's not just loving the difficult people out there that seems to be such a challenge to us, it seems to me that there exists a great problem in loving outside of our circle. And, as one who leads a small group and has over a dozen young women to seek after and love as part of my daily life assignment, I understand how overwhelming it can be to even think of trying to love beyond what I've already been given as my set of people to love. But here's my thinking, if I am truly loving my girls well, then they shall feel loved. And if they are feeling loved, then, hopefully, they are able to love each other well. And if they are loving each other well, then hopefully I will see them love outside of our connection group. I have seen this. And I know it's not because of any love I have poured into them, what ever love the feel from me is from God, and what ever love I see them use beyond the wonderful circle of our Bible study is also from God. 

Point being, it should be a ripple affect. God's love dropped on your life should cause love to ripple out to the people around you. And that ripple should reach the people around them, and so on and so forth. 
But, what I've been finding is, there is this great tragic thing happening even in the midst of such a wonderful ministry as the one in which I am involved. 

 People are sitting alone. And feeling alone. :(

I am quite an insecure person myself and being alone is by far my biggest fear/insecurity. I think, because I spent a lot of time feeling alone before I knew the love of Christ. As it is, I still have a great fear of walking into a room full of people and not having someone to talk to or sit by or spend time with. I even picked where I went to college based on the fact that my sister was already here and I wouldn't have to be alone. So I think the Lord has just placed it in my heart to reach out to people that I see alone simply because I can empathize easily. 

If I'm being totally honest, though, I'm not as brave as I might seem when it comes to speaking with strangers. God is just really funny, though, as He has often placed it on my heart to go sit by a stranger or invite them to join me in something because it makes my heart pound a little every time. But the Lord desires an obedient heart and so I've been trying to be more so, especially in that way. 

A couple weeks ago I was on my way to go sit with my friends as our ministry worship time had already begun and I happen to walk past a fellow sitting completely by himself. I think he was the only person in that row, in fact. I stopped and asked if he was sitting with someone and he told me he wasn't. With out even thinking I asked if it was okay if I sat by him and he said it was. And then in my head I began to think, "Ha..I'm an idiot. I'm a girl. It's not my place to reach out to a boy. I don't know what I was thinking." I didn't even know his name. And then during the night's talk I laughed at myself and thought, "Well, I feel a little foolish, buuuut oh well. Not the first time. But I don't know what I was thinking." Okay, so yeah, I didn't really think that one through. But! The Lord used it any how in a lot of ways:
1. That fellow had been coming the whole semester and had been sitting alone every night
2. I, and all those in my friend group, made a new friend that night. 
3. My friends and I had been planning a get together since January and the fellow ended up hosting it at his house a week and a half later (because we didn't have a location for our get together). 

And other crazy great things came out of that. And it obviously wasn't because of me because I was chiding myself half the time I was sitting by him. But since then, even, I've been made more aware of people who've rather slipped through the cracks some how. Which disturbs me. Of course I'm aware of how I've apparently failed in loving others well, of course I have. But I think that one of the most tragic things in the Christian community is that we sometimes get caught up in compartmentalizing our ministry that we miss the miscellaneous. I know we are not to spread ourselves thin, that is why Christ gave us the body in the first place, but if we decide, "These people and only these people are my ministry" than we have a major problem. 

I can remember as a freshman when a friend told me that he was only going to love the dudes in his bible study and not his roommate and not the people on his dorm floor because he was not 
"assigned" to them. I was quite shocked at the time and disturbed, too. That is, until the next year came around and I had one difficult roommate after another (three in one year) who took more love than I had to offer and as it was, I just did not love them. They weren't my friends and they weren't in my Bible studies and they weren't international students. And while I could pour myself out in international ministry and pour myself out in Bible study, I could not bring myself to pour anything into my difficult roommates. 

That is because I was not seeking God's love for loving others. I could love people who would love back and I could compartmentalize ministry just as well as the next person. I still do, I think, probably. 
But if everyone does that, than the church will never grow and people will slip through our fingers like sand before we knew they were ever among us. I think I'm preaching to myself in this, mostly. 

I have no particular person in mind who misses the miscellaneous other than myself. I want to be better at loving others, I've decided. I want to be known as a loving person. I want to be known as someone who cares for others. Not because I want to be recognized, but because I want people to be able recognize Jesus. And I am most ashamed that more often than not, I am a poor and dim reflection of the man who has loved and cared for me best. 

Really, I just wished I loved others better. 

The only way I could possibly accomplish such a desire would be for me to draw from the Living Water that I have access to already. It's not that I don't have the resources, it's more that I don't use it. I don't fill my ja-- I just had an epiphany! 

If we are like jars that get cracked and broken and shattered and remade and it always seems as though we are full of holes and totally not in a place for God to use us, we're probably in a perfect place for God to use us. Beeecause... A jar full of holes can't contain water. Meaning it's seeping out all over the place. Meaning a jar full of holes waters the flowers best. Yeah?

Okay, anyways, so loving others well.  Heh, Jesus knew what he was doing when he met the Samaritan woman by a well. He was loving well as a loving well. That's why He said He had living water. Jesus was all about the object lessons, which I love because I'm a visual learner to the max. He sat on that well and was like, "Hey, know what me and this well have in common?" He tends to meet us where we're at, I guess. I could just as easily see him coming up to us in modern times as we stop at the water fountain between classes to fill our CamelBaks and saying, "Hey, know what me and this water fountain have in common?" And probably, He is there. We just choose not to see Him, or hear Him. But He's probs watching us fill our water bottles and saying, "Hey, know what you and this water fountain should have in common?" 

And like I said, I'm preaching to myself mostly. I just hope I practice what I preach. 

Sleepless Thoughts

4:30am. I've been awake for a few hours now. The storm has been wonderful, of course, but I'm sound sensitive.

Perhaps I shall make some coffee. 

There's a verse in the psalms that says "The Lord grants sleep to those he loves." I think about that quite a bit as I am often too anxious to sleep a full night. It's funny, too, because I don't consider myself to be anxious in general. I'm quite laid back and relaxed...at least I try to be. 

No matter how I might fill my day and busy myself so that my mind is taken off of the things that stress me out, life always catches up with me at night time. It's seems my heart remembers things best at night time. 

I think mostly it remembers moments of rejection however subtle or obvious they were. And I'm quite aware of the healing powers in forgiveness. I like to think I've quite forgiven any person or moments of any time I felt rejected, whether it was intended or not. I like to think I hold no hard feelings or harbor any bitterness. I think forgiving others is easy enough with the Lords help.

What I can't seem to grasp yet is how to forgive myself for being reject-able. I know this goes back to my battle of not being "good enough." Rest assured that I am quite aware that my Heavenly Father does not see me in that way. I know that I am loved. I know that He doesn't reject me, nor will he ever. I know I am precious, at least, to Him. 

And then I ask myself, "since when do care about what any person thinks of me?" Since it hurt, that's when. If rejection didn't hurt, I don't think I'd care. And I know there's a point where following Jesus and trusting His truth will guard one's heart and prevent the sting of rejection from going too far. But Christ didn't say life wouldn't hurt if we followed Him and so I refuse to believe I'm in a wrong way for feeling a little broken. 

I mean, I think I can see where caring too much of what other's think to the point where I'm thrusting the daggers into my heart on my own is a big problem, but it's the little whisperings into my heart, reminding me of when I wasn't good enough, that are getting me now.

And yes, I can recognize the voice of satan. I can recognize that me being worthy of rejection is not a truth from my savior. I feel a little like I am truly in a court room, where satan stands to accuse, providing evidence saying, "look at this time. Look here and here and here. The evidence stands to show that this is the case."
And Christ is at the right hand of God interceding on my behalf saying, "The evidence is what is seen, but I was there when I was unseen. For hope that is seen is not hope at all. Though, rejected, yes. You weren't by me, therefore I plea that you are not reject-able as it would be impossible for me to reject you."

And somehow, that's enough. 

I wish knowing this made sleep a little easier. I wish knowing this would erase all the memories, the evidence, if you will. There is some shame in being rejected, as if it lowers your value somehow. Perhaps that is the trick to it. When we were "slaves to sin".. meaning before we become children of God, when we are yet ignorant of the Father's love, our value is based on how others view us. We are slaves and we have a price tag that shows the world how much we are worth. Really it's a toe tag. We don't realize this of course, I mean, we feel dead and we feel empty, but we figure it's because we have not done enough to raise our value. But Christ comes along and removes the toe tag/price tag and breathes life into our dead beings. 

I like that. 

I really love this song called, "Even Now" by this not-very-well-known bands called "Foolish Things." They broke up when I was in high school, but I wish people knew their songs more. 
The last few lines of Even Now are, "The same old fear,the same old haze. Is God not here?
Is His hand raised?Could this be part of any good plan?Seems to be you've fallen out of His hand.When you're broken, don't know how to mend, Even Now.
When your tunnel's still dark at the end,Even Now.
His children don't know why but trust their Father's at their side. So hold His hand -hold up your hope, Even now."

It's basically about trusting God when you don't see Him. But I like that part about the same old fear and same old haze. I think it shall probably be the same old, same old until I die. Some days I hear only God's truth and some days I hear the lies. And I love that part about when the tunnel is still dark at the end. I'm out of my tunnel. I've been out for a while. But, there's a lot of darkness yet. Probably will be for a while more. Don't get me wrong, I have joy! So much! But, the rain clouds are lingering.  

Forgive me, I'm not perfect.

It's raining today. Well, not just raining.. it's been thunder storming and flash flooding and quite dark and chilly. Honestly, I love it! I mean, besides the part where my car was swept into a neighboring lane by the 10 inches of water flooding the street on my way home from work today.. and apart from the frigid cold walk to class in the down pour without rain coat, boots, or umbrella, I find it quite thrilling!

Currently I'm snuggled up in a blanket on the couch by the big window in the living room watching the rain continue to fall. 

Looky! This doesn't even show the storm that already swept through here. Is it not beautiful?? I find it quite adventurous, this storm..or any storm in general. What joy!

And whilst the storm rages outside and I am safe and dry and warm... I find myself reflecting on how good God has been to me lately, in spite of who I am. 

The last few weeks..perhaps a full month now, my heart has been through quite the storm of its own. 

I am a people lover and a people pleaser and I can't even begin to describe how conflict and tension cause the greatest distress. I've found myself having to read my own blogs and remind myself of things I've already learned. 

I once wrote a blog called "worth it" that described the battle we women face on not being "good enough" or "worth it" and whatever else the devil might wish to tell us about our value. 

At the same time, I'm fighting those same lies even now. Being a people pleaser and having spent the last several miserable weeks not being able to please a couple few people..more than that, causing them to be frustrated and discouraged and stumble, I think I'm coming up to a moment of defeat. I fight it yet because I once heard, "When we are defeated it is because we have defeated ourselves. The enemy has no right to defeat us." And so I am hesitant to surrender to defeat just yet. 

But I don't know the difference between humble surrender and cop out defeat. What is the point where I am allowing Christ to refine me and humble and remove what is wrong and impure in my heart, and the point where I am believing lies from Satan that need to be dispelled and ignored? It's quite a tricky dilemma and all I've concluded thus far is that no matter what battle it is that I'm facing, somewhere in this back and forth tug-of-war with my heart, I let my guard down and my heart is not as whole as it should be. 

I think, yes, I need to surrender to the Lord telling me that I will never be able to fully please all people. And too, that I need to fight the lie of not being good enough when I can't fully please all people. 

But, I'm too exhausted to fight any more. And it's not that my "above and beyond" efforts to please are failing... it's that my existence is failing. Who I am, how I act, my personality, my way of doing life, does not please all people. In fact, it frustrates some. I think this hurts me, but I don't know what to do about is as I don't know how exactly to apologize for being myself. And if I apologized, I would naturally need to show effort for change so as not to make the same offense twice. But as it is, I can't be sorry for existing and I can't change that fact either. *sigh* And that is why I'm losing this battle. 

In the same moment, if it is jealousy that is causing one to be displeased in who I am, I feel guilty for being in a way that would incite jealousy. If that makes sense. I am quite sorry that I am a stumbling block. And I mean that in the most humblest of ways. But it breaks me on the inside. 

But, I have a hope that, perhaps, somewhere in the future there shall be a garden of beautiful things that will come out of this nasty storm in my heart now. Flowers, hopefully. Unfortunately all I have to show right now is mud being brought out and washed over the crevasses of my heart.  

I'm sorry, really. I don't know what else to be. I'm not sure what I am sorry for, other than that I can't be any more than I've been made to be.  I'm not Jesus. I can't be Jesus to anybody no matter how hard I try. I will love with the love he gives me and I will serve with the joy he gives me and I speak with the words he gives me. But, you must know, I will only have those to give  if I go to him to get it. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I come off as too forward. Sometimes, I'm a little too goofy. Sometimes I don't think before I talk. Sometimes I'm awkward. Sometimes I'm too much. And sometimes, I'm not enough. Sometimes, I'm not very loving or kind or selfless. I wish I was better at it. I wish I loved better and was more encouraging to others and more attentive to the needs of others. But I don't want to play the comparison game. 

It breaks me that I am not more, and it breaks me that I am too much. But my Jesus has told me that I am his and that is all I'll ever need to be. I think I need to remind myself of that.. or have people remind me of that. Either way, I've concluded that the approval of people is overrated. 

Hello sunshine

I would say that spring has officially arrived in Iowa with the temp being up to 70 degrees and students frolicking and lounging about on whatever available grass they find. I, too, joined in on the outside studying trend and have successfully lessened the severity of the watch tan I acquired in Nicaragua.

Alas, I am now indoors attempting to last-minute comprehend more clinical psychology in preparation for an exam in 45 minutes. This is a difficult endeavor as the weather's enticement to be outside caused the skippage of lunch, and also, the class that takes place just before mine in the lecture hall has to do with music and thus there is the blasting of classic tunes every couple minutes. 

When this exam finishes out I think I shall go home and spend some time with Jesus. 

It's April Again

Spring again! It's funny to look back at my previous Spring blog post from last year or the year before and see that how I feel about Spring has not changed one bit. 

I love it! LOVE spring! I feel so alive and refreshed just to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. 
And too, I shall love to see what the Lord has planned for my life in these next coming months as I continue to come out of my Winter time.  I'm quite certain it is Spring in my heart as well.  :)

It's April now. Wow... this year went by the fastest. I suppose when one lives from one thing to the next, all that is in between is just a blur. The fall semester went by SUPER fast and then Winter Break went way to fast and this semester...geesh. I've been out of town almost every weekend and those that I was around for were fulllll to the brim. When the weekends go fast, the weeks go fast, and then before you know it, the month is gone and..you get the idea. Tomorrow will be my first Saturday with nothing planned since January. 

Well... I have things planned.. but in the evening, so I shall have the day to do nothing and it shall be wonderful. 

By "nothing"I shall probably be spring cleaning my room and the house and, for sure, my kitchen. 
And perhaps I shall go on an adventure or a pleasant stroll through a cemetery.  The possibilities are endless :)

I love that. Not having plans. Blank slate. No pressure, no stress, no worries of disappointment. 

I'm still not sure what to do with my summer. Work, of course, I just don't know where. Some where in Iowa City. :)

And of course my summer will be epically full of adventures. I'm so very excited!