Saturday, April 18, 2015

Learning and What Not

I feel like I start a good many of my blogs by saying, "I don't know where to start" but, it's true. Is there even a good place to pick up and and keep going? The reason things were dropped is because there was nothing to carry, so what is picking up?

By that I mean, this blog. It's been since what.. February? Really? Yes. So, do I give you an update or just blog like whatever, hardly explaining what or why there was no writing?

I ask myself these things. In truth, Life was the same old/ same old. I still am staying on my parents' farm. I'm working part time at the office with the official title of "Temp Office Assistant."

But those are just facts. I never intended to have  a blog about facts. This blog is for Jesus. It's supposed to be that, anyways. Roots, though. 

My great-grandfather, Chester Eggen, passed away at the age of 102years old a year ago, Valentines Day. He spoke at his own funeral. By a recorded video, with final words. 100 years of walking on the earth with Jesus and he imparted wisdom. 

Roots, he said. Grow your roots. If there is anything you do when you pursue the Lord, make sure you have good roots. Lilies of the valley, neither toil nor spin. They don't worry about anything but are so beautiful. That's from a passage Grandpa quoted. Roots.

I was uprooted and replanted here. And you know what I've avoided at all possible costs? Roots. Even now... especially now, the idea of putting down roots around here leaves a bitter sort of taste in my mouth. But don't get me wrong. I love my family, love my home, love my parents, love my siblings. Love my bed. 

But small town life is not me. My friend, Shawn, told me when I was first out here that I was here for a reason and I needed to let the Lord reveal the reason to me. 

Of course I was a touch bit bitter. I felt the Lord had me out here to make me realize the weight of what I lost. The Lord brought me out here to show me that he has the power to give and take away and good gracious, I better get it in my head that I'm just a small little human who has no control over my life because I gave it to the Lord. 

Which.. I learned that. With bitterness and less grace than ever a lessons was to be learned... but there was way more. IS way more. 

Okay.. bitterness.. it has roots too. Ugly, gnarly, nasty, strong roots. The little roots that you think should break, but you have to tug with all your might to remove them and even then, pray you don't wrench your shoulder out of your socket while you do it. 

I let that weed in my garden and that's been a problem. Even now, it bothers me the most. My heart was not made for bitterness and I'd sooner chop that part of my heart off and have a smaller heart than have any bitterness in it. 

But I am moving, hopefully soon, and I'm sure the Lord will do all the work on my heart that will need for repairs. 

But, about those lessons. I learned a lot about myself. I'm not a small town girl, after all. I'm so city/fast pace/ lots of humans girl. I'm city girl with the need for grass and stars. With the need for humans with grass to invite me to their grass in the evening after work or on a weekend. I'm a city girl with the need for hiking trails and hills and pastures and rivers and woods and nature. I need a mix of crazy and gentle. I'm extreme extroverted with the occasional need for absolute isolation with just the Lord. 

Coasting does not work for me. Days that start to blur together and look like the one before and the one after don't work for me. 

I really like NOT hearing sirens. My last neighborhood had arrests and fire trucks and what have you at least once a day. I like the quiet of the farm. I like the darkness of the farm. No street lights shining in my window. No worry about the fact that I took down my curtains last month. It's just dark. I like dark.

I learned that I like being busy. I like getting work done. I like looking forward to things. 

I'm picky about what kind of dirty I get. I don't mind being dirty, I don't mind being sweaty. But, I don't like having manure on my fingers or under my nails or on my clothes or in my hair. The smell bothers me. The idea of it bothers me. The sticky'ness of it bothers me. 

I really like being physically exhausted when I fall asleep. I could only get 5hrs of sleep, but if I physically wore myself out enough, I'll have the most wonderful sleep ever. 

I learned that walking down a dirt road is more delightful if you go 8miles than if you go 4, because by the time you get to the part where the neighbor dogs chase you, your legs are numb enough to go further than if you're only 3miles warmed up. 

I learned I REALLY love worshipping the Lord with humans who are worshipping the Lord. 
With that, I learned I really get annoyed when you can tell people are just singing. Just reading words to a tune. My heart feeds off of the energy of others. When the church body is coasting, I coast. I hate coasting. 

Hard work/ a well worked week, makes a sabbath sweet. I love that. I like extremes. I really do. 

Except for weather and human mood swings. I like those better and a comfortable, steady, predictable type.

I learned that The Lord REALLY blessed me with good friends. I have the sweetest, bravest friends. They fight for me, round the clock. There's nothing I could tell them that they wouldn't be ready with an encouraging word, Truth from the Lord, a good response, you name it. They are REAL gems. The kind that make you KNOW that you are ENOUGH no matter what and never TOO MUCH. The kind that make you feel "Just right." 

I also learned, my heart was MADE to serve. It is hard wired to the CORE of my being that I need to serve other humans. In any way. Every way. I *NEED* to be a blessing. My heart needs that. 
The Lord made me that way. The less of me there is, the more I feel myself. I *have* to be poured out so the Lord can show who He is. Not serving is like letting catching rainwater off the roof and not emptying the bucket to make room for more water. You never get to see how great the bucket is at catching water if its too full to catch  any in the first place. 

Coffee dates with humans. I loves those. I love humans telling me whats going on in their lives. Like, legitimately going on. "Hows it goin'?" greetings don't work for me either. 

The truth is, I've learned a TON about myself. I wouldn't trade my time here for anything. Well... I mean, I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned from my time here for anything. 

But sometimes I find myself wondering, "Okay Lord. Did I learn it yet?" "Am I done?" "I'm ready to return to the world now." 

I ask the Lord that a lot. Well.. not so much lately. I never heard him say, "yes" or "no".. but I'm still here so I assume he's still putting on the final details. 

Above all else, I've learned that there is no place I could go, no job I could do, no situation to be had that the Lord didn't intend for learning and growing and teaching and showing of Himself. Always, His fingerprints will be evident. 

I've wondered if my bitterness ruined my learning of the lesson the Lord sent me here to learn. But no. The Lord is in control of all things and it would be impossible for me to screw anything up because the Lord cannot be screwed up. I have so much peace in that. I'm quite thankful for it as well.