I didn't mention this before, but it's finals week again here at Iowa. Last semester was by far the most exhausting and miserable finals week of my life, especially given what I had been through emotionally the week prior as well as the amount of finals and the fact that they were all big classes and several other little factors that went into it.
I came to the end of finals week much like in the cartoons when the poor character is sliding through the dirt and comes to a halt and their limbs and extremities are bent every which way and they look more like a train wreck than anything else. I remember getting home at 10:30 Thursday night, having just taken my 4th and most difficult final with my brain being so exhausted. I'd believed I had failed the final and I'd believed I'd failed the class. It's the most defeated I think I've ever felt in my entire life and whilst wiping away tears and having no strength to fight whatever lies about my worth Satan gladly spoke into my heart, I began studying for my next final which was to be at 7:30 am the following morning. I was going to meet a classmate at 6am to study and so I knew I'd need to be out my door by 5:30. I was a defeated broken mess as I crawled into my bed that night, with not much hope for more than 5 hours of sleep. I'm glad to report I passed the class in better standing than I though possible.
And then it was over. I'd survived and I packed up my broken self and went home for the most wonderful winter break of my life.
I'm quite thankful that this semester's ending it much less dramatic and painful than the last.
With only one difficult final that's not til Friday, and 2 final papers, I feel so blessed by the Lord in how my heart will be a lot more whole this time around.
Currently I'm surrounded by a couple different textbooks on how to make your life happy and meaningful whilst I write a paper for my positive psychology class. It's amazing to me how people can spend 30 or 40 years studying and searching out how humans can find happiness in life.
They say things like, ignore the stressful things in life, find a distraction. Talk only about good things and don't give vent to the hard things. Exercise more, spend time with people who make you happy.
All this little surface level coping strategies that don't even begin to reach down to the core of our beings where pain and brokenness grows best. There's a lot of ideas about self-empowerment and finding peace from your inner self. But it does nothing but put feel good lotion on a gaping wound.
The more I read the more I find myself thinking, "Gosh dangit... these people need Jesus. Everyone does."
My heart breaks for the authors of my textbooks and the leading psychologists that study how to be happy. My heart breaks for everyone, actually.
The other day I just felt the Lord requesting me to spend my evening with Him and I found myself watching sermon clips and reading Bible passages and listening to my worship play lists on grooveshark and my heart grew more and more restless with every affirmation and reminder of how great my Father's love is for me. The more I sat there feeling loved the more anxious I became fore my friends who aren't aware of how loved they are.
At one point I was watching this 8minute youtube clip of pastor's sermon talking about how loving God is and I just felt like the Lord wanting me to share it with my atheist friend who has expressed curiosity on occasion. In my mind I was like, "idk Fern. That's kinda bold, kinda crazy. If he is on facebook chat right now, than that means the Lord wants you to share it. If not, then you can let it rest."
Why I thought that, I don't know. It's not like I should be making deals with how the Lord commands my walk. But I checked my facebook chat right then and sure enough, the fellow was online. Of course I prefaced it with some explanation and statement about how I hoped he didn't think I was totally insane for sharing it and that was that. I have no report on if he watched it or what he might have thought, but hopefully sometime down the road.. perhaps when I get to heaven, I'll get to see whatever became of that.
I have come to believe that as long as I'm acting in obedience to the Lord, He's gonna use it whether I see how or not. It makes things a little less intimidating when it comes to the moment. Obviously not completely un-intimidating, but it's like wearing a seatbelt in a car crash. You'll probs come out with seat belt bruises and cuts and scrapes, but it's not like your head went through the windshield or anything.
You know what makes me happy? Hearing people sing worshipful praise music. I feel loved by Jesus when I hear it. Or perhaps it's that the love for Jesus in the hearts of those singing glows so much that I'm caught up in it. Whatever it is, it touches my heart in some of the deepest places and the joy I experience is quite overwhelming. I heard singing last night. :)
Some godly young men gathered around a little campfire on a cow farm on a dirt road far from the disturbances of the city and the partying and the blare of emergency sirens. It was the most beautiful and peaceful sound I have heard in such a long time. I think I could have stayed and listened forever.
It didn't take long before the joy of my heart spilled out of my eyes as I rather unexpectedly found myself wiping away tears, which is saying something because I don't cry at all that much, and especially not in front of people. But it was beautiful, truly. And God was there. And I loved that.
And that is how my finals week has started. As if the Lord wanted to remind me that He loves me infinitely much, even though he has been reminding me of that every day. He didn't have to take me to a bonfire and shoot off fireworks. He didn't have to surround me by people who love Jesus and just naturally talk about Him in conversation. He didn't have to bring me to a place of hearing sweet music sung by the richest voices. He didn't have to do any of that. But all of it happened in one night. And I feel so beyond loved and valued and delighted in by the Lord. I love where the Lord has me.
I am content and satisfied.
Yes, content. At peace. My heart is cradled in the hands of Jesus and I am quite pleased to leave it just there and let him love me in ways I couldn't have ever asked or imagined myself.
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