Worn Out

"The Lord says that there is nothing you can do that can make him love you more. There is also nothing you can do that would make him love you less. He loves you because He loves you, because that is what he is like. It is his nature to love and you will always be the beloved. And He loves you 100%. He won't love you any better when you become better, He loves you 100% right now. And even if you have no plans to become better, he will still love you 100%. Even if you don't want to change, he will love you 100%. Even if you have no plans to walk with him, he loves you 100% because that is his nature. He loves 100% all the time. And his love is unchanging. What will change, says that Lord,  is your ability to receive my love." ~Graham Cooke

As I said earlier, I'm wanting to grow in love this summer. It truly is something that can only come from God. The more I push toward getting to know God better, the more I seem to struggle with it. With loving others that is. Not everyone, of course, but a few. And it's not that I don't love them, it's more that I don't love them very well and I have no strength within myself to summon up enough love to love them as well as they should be.

If I were Bilbo, my speech would go, "I don't love half of you half as well as I should like, and I love less than half of you half as well as you deserve"... or something like that. 
I'm not a confrontational person. I haaaaaaaaate conflict. So much so that I won't even defend myself when someone wrongly assumes something of me or misinterprets what I say or how I say something and take it offensively. I used to fight for myself, but I think I've encountered enough people that defend themselves against how I shouldn't have been hurt and it's my fault for taking it the wrong way, that I'd just as well rather not stir up the water any. 

But at the same time, it's not helping me any. I'm getting exhausted and finding it more and more difficult to be around the porcupines in my life and find myself distancing more and more. 
I know how to forgive and get the quills out of my heart, but I've heard often that the definition of stupid is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. 

I don't know what results I'm expecting different, though. That perhaps if I love the hard people, they will soften. Or maybe if I don't defend myself and let them walk all-over me, they'll start treating me better. I don't know, either way, I don't know if my strategy is working and I'm on the edge of giving up.

But, worn out is good sometimes, right? It means you're using it, anyways. For example, my running shoes. In the last 3 days, I've managed to walk/run  36 miles and today I will hopefully make it to 48. I got these shoes last summer and the treads on them are nearly gone and I really need to get new ones. I'm glad they're worn out! It means I put them to use!

Same with my Bible. One time, one of my atheist friends asked me if it had been my grandma's Bible on account it's seen better days. He was quite shocked when I told him my parents had given it to me brand new for my 16th birthday. Yeah, it's a little worn out and the pages are starting to fall out, but that's because it goes with me everywhere and I read it often. 

But, maybe my current struggle to love better, to experience God's love better, is a sign that I need another heart re-shaping. I wince at the thought. The last time the Lord brought me through a heart-transformation trial, well, I still marvel at how I survived it and I'm quite sure I could stand to go the rest of my life without going through something like that again. 

I guess I need to learn how to make my love more united with Christ's. Because it's not like I'm not spending time soaking myself in the Word and spending time alone with Christ. But that fact that I'm struggling to find love in my heart for a few prickly pears is rather..disturbing. 

I'm not even that broken. I would say I'm quite whole and that my joy is quite overflowing. The Lord has blessed me in such big ways, so I'm not wounded into a fetal position. But I feel helpless all the same.