Loved.

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Iowa City again. After an incredibly packed and full weekend which left me exhausted enough to still be nodding off a little in church despite the two cups of coffee I had previous to its starting. I've been resting the past two hours and its been wonderful.

I'm learning more about myself as the summer goes on. I'm more of an extrovert than I knew. I thought I had introverted tendencies on account I often like to take moments to be alone when I'm back home with the family, I spent many a cozy winter afternoon in high school hidden away in my room reading wonderful books and not seeing a soul for hours at a time. 

Now if I come back to an empty house I begin to shrivel up an die a slow and painful death of loneliness. Well, that's a bit dramatic, obviously, but I do struggle with it quite a bit. It's not that I have to be talking to someone alllll the time, I just need to be in there presence, I have often found myself venturing out to the gym or to the groceriy store with more of the motivation that I would be in the presence of people there and not be alone, 

These last few days have been such a big blessing in my life for several reasons. One of my dearest friends has been staying over on account she doesn't want to be alone either. It has been a joy added to my life in the biggest of ways. From doing our quiet times together to her planning and thinking ahead and loving heart. Her presence has revived my heart to life in places I didn't even know were struggling. 

Also,this weekend, 4 of my siblings came to visit as well as 3 friends from illinois, on top of that, I got to go see my Kalona friends and see the stars and sing hymns and laugh until I got the hiccups. All that kind of stuff causes me to feel very loved by The Lord. Oh how He loves.

The hard thing, tho, is that I still don't feel super connected outside of my close friends. I haven't been able to make it to Salt more than once and bible study attendance is a little sketch with myy work schedule. I figure that's The Lord teaching me something else, probably. Maybe to appreciate better my freedom to attemd things like bible study or summer salt. Or maybe to appreciate them at all. I graduate soon and will once again be on my own to find a church and plug in and all that. I'm not looking forward to it at all. But I'll be thankful for my present situation.

Out on the Water

You called me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find you in the mystery

in oceans deep

My faith will stand

I've said this before, but I did not truly start following Jesus with my whole heart til the Fall of my Junior year of highschool, shortly after I turned 16. I'd never really been a responsible person before that, I'd never cared about anyone more than myself. I loved breaking rules, rebelling against authority, and doing whatever to keep myself happy. 

As my faith continued to grow and strengthen as the school year went on, I began to feel convicted about being responsible with money. I'd grown up saving every penny I could, so I wasn't really into spending a ton on myself, which meant that I let my parents buy everything for me that they would, and anything they wouldn't I'd learn to live without. 

But as I let the Lord work in my selfish heart and make it to be more aware of others, my biggest conviction was in how blessed I was with the parents I had who sacrificed financially for the love of their family where ever they needed to and then some. I don't think I'll ever fully know what sorts of things they had to surrender for the sake of us children, but I feel so loved by it and I'm so thankful for their selfless example. 

Thus, as my first summer as a true believer approached and I now had a driver's license and would be an added cost to the gas funds, I felt that the responsible thing to do would be to get a job to pay for the gas I would be using for my own activities. 

School had not yet gotten out for the summer when I landed my very first official job as a church janitor, which was only actually 8-10 hours a week. It wasn't too long into it, maybe 3 or 4 weeks before it seemed like I wasn't good enough and would be dismissed. 
Still wanting to be responsible with my summer, I began seeking a new job and thus landed a full time job as a nanny, working 7am-6pm every day. I decided I'd balance cleaning the church and the nanny job for a little while the church found a new janitor, which probably wouldn't take long. 

To my surprise, the church deacons give a lot of grace and actually wanted to keep me on and I agreed. However, I really enjoyed my job as a nanny (extra funds ya know?) and thus I decided that I would do more than surrender 8-10hours a week, I would surrender my whole summer. 

The Lord taught me a lot that summer. One of my sweet cousins from California was visiting that summer and with my crazy working hours, there wasn't much hope of me getting to interact with her much. She and a couple of my siblings would actually wake up at 6 with me and we would gather around my coffee pot waking up together, just so we could have those 30 or 40 minutes together before I would leave for work. That's probably one of the most loving things I've encountered. Of course, by the end of the summer we were all hopelessly addicted to coffee, but we don't complain. :)

I remember a lot of days where I would get off work @6, swing by home to grab a little supper before heading to the church to clean and head back home at 11pm just to get whatever sleep I could before repeating my day. I worked an average of 60hours/week with an occasional 70hr week thrown in. 

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am yours and you are mine

That was an intense summer. It was a good summer, though. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about God and what it means to act on my faith through being responsible and sacrificial. 

Since that summer, I've decided that I would surrender every summer as a student to what ever the Lord would put in my lap. If it was a summer of working and putting $$ in my bank account to support my future independence, or serving the the Lord without an income, or whatever, I was determined to be obedient. 

Let me tell you, I've had some pretty adventurous summers since then. Some of the most Spiritual growings I've had have come out of my summers of surrendering to the Lord. From spending Saturday mornings selling honey at a farmers market, camp counseling, interning at a non-profit ministry and many other things, I've always learned something big or had my faith strengthened and fruits of the spirit matured.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and you won't start now

I have a lot to learn and grow in yet. A lot a lot a lot. 
This summer I'm back to nannying. It's a lot different than my first summer nannying. This time I have 3 kids who are a joyous bundle of energy and a little rambunctious at times. As school was coming to a close this past semester I told the Lord I'd do whatever job he placed in my lap. I was overjoyed when I then saw the sign on my favorite coffee shop that they were now hiring. I figured that'd be the best summer job ever (I LOVE COFFEE) and thus picked up my application and began filling it out. 
I had yet to turn it in when I was informed of the nannying position and before I knew it, I was meeting the family and feeling quite sure that this was more of what the Lord would have me doing. 

I told the Lord, "What ever area you think I need to grow or be stretched in, make it happen and give me grace about it."
Ha... be careful what you pray for because the Lord is faithful to answering prayers. :)

While patience, grace, and love are all the big ones I'm learning to display more often, I'm learning more subtly the absolute importance of being absolutely dependent. I've been realizing this slowly. 
A week ago in Bible study we were challenging each other to be better about spending time alone with the Lord and since I had been out of the habit of having an actually quiet time, I figured I'd start looking for where I could squeeze that in again (sounds terrible, i know). 

Well, I found that there are actually moments in my day with the kids where I can grab 10-15 minutes writing in my prayer journal or reading a passage while they work on workbooks and reading. 
I realized I'm a lot better at patience and love after I've spent time with the Lord. 

Yesterday, the day wasn't off to a real great start as it seemed that they had way too much energy and I had way too little patience. They weren't even being terrible, I just had a short fuse for the farting noises and everything else that young boys do that cause their little  sister to get riled up and pick fights with them even though they win. Every time. And she hasn't learned that yet. 

*phew* After dropping one of them off at a friends house to play, I suggested to the other two that we work on workbooks now while I read my Bible. One of them responded that I didn't need to, and I said, "Oh trust me, I'm a lot nicer after I've read my Bible." He responded saying, "You're not mean, though." and so I was like, "Trust me, it'll just be a better situation over all if I do." 

So we did. They worked quietly and I read and re-gathered my patience that had been spread a little thin and the afternoon was an absolute blast. We biked, we did puzzles, had a water fight, colored and played other games. 

Thank you Jesus, for continued faithfulness. I think I'm half-way through the summer now. I miss my family a lot, but the Lord is doing great things in my heart. Hard things, but great things. I am loved. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Summer Lovin'

I just happened to look out the window and notice that it's cloudy all the sudden. That, of course, prompted me to check the weather and I was so terribly delighted to see flash flood warnings and a gorgeous green and red mass on the radar making its way over Iowa City.

*sigh* I love a rainy sunday afternoon. Perfect napping weather, in my opinion. 

I have no plans today. I have no homework, no pressing deadlines, no stresses. What a blessing! 

It makes me excited for when I graduate so that this may be my state of mind every Sunday after church. I mean, I know life never stops having stressful moments cropping up, but the fact that it's not a week to week battle brings me much joy. 

Yesterday I went to the beach with my sister and two of our close friends. That was such a delight! Relaxing and perfect. Today whilst my mind wandered a bit in church I randomly thought how I need to be reading my Bible more, especially when I have more free time. Which led to the thought of, "But... that means I should probably not spend time at the beach any more" (Sad face). 

And then in an instant I remembered I have a waterproof Bible. Wooot!! Take that Satan's discouragement! I'ma read mah Bible at the beach and I'ma baptize it in Lake McBride. 

I wish summer time lasted forever. 

Being Loved

June 19, 2013-------
Yikes!! Two weeks have gone by already!! Goodness. Summer flies by so fast every time and I feel like I'm always running to keep up with it. 

So what's new? So much! I went home for a week and had the most wonderful adventures with my siblings and cousins and even managed a coffee shop quiet time at Grand Central complete with a turtle late. 

We floated down the freezing and flooded river and I may or may not have freaked out when two beavers dove in for a swim just a few yards from our rafts. 

We star gazed on the roof and I saw 5 shooting stars! How perfect it was! I shall forever love all the memories of looking up at the sky on a summer night with my cousins whilst cuddling under the blankets on top of the kitchen roof. 

We played hide-and-seek-in-the-dark and I'm pretty sure I almost dropped a paper cutter on my head, maybe. It was dark, so I don't know what it was.. but it fell about a foot to my right. (Not to worry! We play safe. I was in no danger)

We made and ate so much cotton candy, it's no wonder we didn't sleep til 3 in the morning most days. 

There were bonfires and kitten cuddlings, late night pillow chats, and singings at the tops of our lungs. 
Every minute, second, hour, day, moment.. all of it, was so perfect. I am so blessed by the family I have. 

One of my favorite things about home out in the country is that you can actually see the sunsets. :)

----------------------

I can't keep up!! When I'm not working or sleeping, I'm making the most of my summer by going outside or visiting friends or whatever else you do in the summer time instead of bumming around on a computer. 

The sum up of my life right now is that work is going well and my heart is happy. 

There are things the Lord does for me that just make me feel so loved and valued and gives me a sense of worth is the smallest things. 

For example, whilst being home last week, there was a point where I got my van stuck in a muddy field (long story) and one of my friends stayed completely calm and coached me through getting it un-stuck (even though the mud was probably at least 6 inches deep) without having to get out of the van and push it. People staying calm when I'm mentally freaking out is such a blessing to me. 

I have felt loved by how I have gotten to interact with my friends every single day since being back in Iowa City. The week before I went home I had waaaaaaay too much time alone and was wayyy too isolated which lead to a few breakdowns and momentarily laps of judgement. I realized that, as an extrovert, that I need to at least see or speak with someone of my similar age every day, no matter how exhausted I might be after getting home from work. 
My poor friends are all introverts, and so I have felt especially loved that they would come over or go out with me every day even though they would prefer quiet evenings at home by theirselves. 
How the Lord has blessed me with wonderful friends! :) 

I feel loved in how the Lord has consistently pursued my heart with the exact thing I need to hear at this time in my life. I feel I'm at a steady place, in my walk. I'm not really experiencing a major trial or future anxieties. No relationship issues to sort out and no enslaving sin struggles to break out of. 
I feel like while it's a nice sort of place to be, it's also one of the more dangerous places you can be, Spiritually, on account it's very easy to let your guard down. 

A couple weeks ago, I met with some Salt ladies and we all decided to read through the whole book of Titus (it's really short) and just pull stuff out of it and talk about it. It was sort of a prep talk because Salt is going through Titus this summer. 
There was so much in it that got me that I've been going back to it often. And even when my cousins came last week, we did the same thing... read the whole book, pull stuff out and talk and hash out and grow. 

If you haven't read Titus... do that. It's pretty basic and straight forward on how you should be as a Christian. I was gonna write "act as a Christian" but I don't like the word act because it reminds me of plays and pretends. We shouldn't pretend or put on Christian shows... we should just be. 

I love Titus, too, because even though I don't feel like I have any binding sin struggles that have my heart all in chains, there are the less obvious issues of apathy and hospitality and purity and walking uprightly. It's easy to think you have things together until you take a bit of a closer look. 

I wish I was someone who walked uprightly or lived a holy and pure life. And I know that God can change me to be more like that if I let Him love me well. But then in that moment I realize that in my apathy and complacency, I don't let myself be loved the way that I am. I don't claim my identity as the beloved and try to work my way into deserving to be loved. 
*sigh* The Lord is so good. :) 

My summer of learning to love better seems to be turning into a lesson of learning to be loved better. 

June Job Updates of the Fern

Phew! What a day Yesterday was! Waking up @ 4 something is not something I have often done on purpose.. in fact, besides waking up at 3am for our flight out of Omaha during Spring break, I can't really think of a time I've done that. 

In summers past, I have been good enough to get up @ 5 on purpose for the sake of squeezing in a good work out before work or VBS. Anyways, maybe that's the first obvious thing the Lord will be doing in my heart this summer... training me on self-control in my sleeping patterns. 

I didn't have to be to work til 6am so i probably could have slept til 5:15 and been fine, but as it was, I've been delighting to sit and read the Word in the morning and thus an earlier wake-up was worth a little less sleep in my opinion. 

It seemed to work out well, I set my coffee pot to start @ 4:45 and seeing that I woke up @ 4:30, I stayed in my bed until the smell and gurgling sound filled my room. Such a pleasant way to wake, if you ask me. However, I learned that coffee in large quantities on an empty stomach at 5 in the morning is not a wise decision that will leave you incredible nauseated for the whole rest of your day. 
That was an unpleasantry, given that I had to step away from my chess and Sorry! games to sit on the bathroom floor and pray that I would throw up and be free of my upset stomach. 
Didn't happen. I just spent my day on the verge of it all day. 

My children were wonderful, though! Plus it was a rainy, cold sort of day. They behaved well and would ask how I was feeling every now and then. The afternoon turned out to be ideal for a movie and couch cuddling and i found that not moving did the best sort of upset-stomach relieving if there was any to be had. 

So what does one do when one works 12 hours? Some of the pictures might give you a clue. :) 
I read my Bible, build blanket forts, and chalk up the side walk. 
I play any and every board game there is to be played as well as card games and word games. 
I pet the puppies at petland and practice my billiard skills.  I listen to the children practice their piano and answer their questions about their grammar work books. 

And on Monday the six year old put 41 bows and clips in my hair all at once. And then I heard a snipping noise and I turned to see her wielding a scissors and telling me she just need to cut out the one she knotted in... 

 It's amazing how much more amazing a free day is when you no longer have them every single day. The idea of sleeping til 8am is absolutely thrilling and so is the idea of wearing yoga pants til noon and sitting on the couch reading the news until you are satisfactorily caught up on everything USAToday thinks is important for the world to know. 

Today I also ventured out to go grocery shopping. I've been doing this thing where I only buy groceries once a month so as to actually eat the things in my freezer that I ignore most days of the week. 

The problem with this endeavor, however, is that it usually happens that I decide the time has come when I no longer have normal food to eat for breakfast and end up eating something like jam on celery or wilted cilantro cooked with cinnamon. Which basically means that I go grocery shopping on an empty stomach usually a week or two after having run out of my favorite thing (like cottage cheese). 

Today I got excited at the idea of using my wilting celery and almonds and plain yogurt for a breakfast smoothie. That is until I opened my fridge and remembered that I consumed the last of my almond milk a couple days ago (crazy that it lasts basically a month) and used up every form of stevia I had as well. 

I'm not one to make lists, usually, but I am one to stick to the plan when I have one. Like.. a grocery list. Usually I just want the few items listed on the paper and then I want to leave. 

Heh, well, grocery shopping on an empty stomach gets a little dangerous because you find yourself with 2 or 3 different bags of almonds or mixed nuts because you're thinking, "I'm hungry. I didn't eat lunch. I can snack on these in the car."

 

And half of my excuse for going to the grocery store was because some of my very favorite bestfriend cousins will be stopping by tomorrow and I'm thinking, "I gotta feed them normal food." Ya know? LIke, I can eat cinnamon covered fried cilantro and cottage cheese for breakfast... but I probs wouldn't offer it to anybody else. 

SO... basically.... I ended up with a few more things than were on the list. However! I was still able to carry it all into the house in one trip. 

Basically... that's my life. Work and Jesus. Jesus and work. It's pretty great! 

Morning Musings

Good morning world! It's crazy how time gets away from you so fast! It's already 5:20am and I have been awake almost an hour now. 

My summer nanny job officially started yesterday and it has thus far been wonderful! I love to be a free spirit, but having a schedule is usually a good thing in my life. It makes me to be more intentional with my time...thus getting my day started before 5am so that I spend some time with Jesus before doing other things. 

Last night, I had the most wonderful privilege of sitting around a table with 11 other godly women after having split up and reading the book of Titus to discuss what the Lord had brought out to us. It was such a beautiful thing just to speak out what things we felt the Spirit had lead us to and then each chiming in at various points to offer encouragement to one an other as the Father gave us words. 

It wasn't a planned or structured Bible study, either. It was just a show-up-read-and-talk kinda deal and I think it was the perfect environment for being challenged and strengthened and encouraged as there was a rich sort of freedom to say whatever was on our hearts. 

I have a lot of thoughts on all that the Lord has been teaching me and humbling me to the last few days, but I still have to ready myself a little better before I go to work.