Friday, May 30, 2014

Broken People try to Break People

As an aspiring future counselor and studier of psychology with an acute interest on emotional pasts, I tend to be one of THOSE people who observes behaviors and tendencies of people around as I formulate theories and ideas on what kinds of emotional weight do they have in their weaponry store that will be need to be dodged when they come out swinging. 

Okay..well I don't ALWAYS assume people are a volcano on the verge of an eruption, but it never hurts to be on one's guard. And of course, I hardly exclude myself from my psycho-analysis of emotional reactions. In fact, I'm quite sure I observe and analyze myself more than anyone else I encounter. Mostly for the sake of striving to be more like Christ and surrendering my emotional baggage so as not to have a brick to hit people over the head with when the knives are thrusted into the most tender places of the core of my identity. 

The Lord does command us, after all, "above all else guard your heart for it is a wellspring of life." 
Be on your guard and be ready to defend when the wolves in sheep's clothing take up aim with fire brands and flaming arrows and justify themselves saying, "I was only joking." (Prov. 26:18**)

I can't tell you how entirely grateful I am that The Lord was very specific as to what all the pieces of the Amor of God did. The shield of Faith is specifically designed to deflect the flaming arrows of the evil one. "Why not a shield of Truth?" You might ask. Well...because you have Truth girdled around your midsection ...like a belt holding your other pieces together. Always there. The shield is a piece you move. You hold it up, you hold it at your side, you use it to defend and to attack. But you don't always use it...you have the choice to use it or not. But Truth...that's always where it should be. And the shield of faith is there to help you to see that Truth is working. You need faith to believe truth, but you aren't gonna think truth is doing any good if you don't have the faith to fend off the knives and daggers and everything else. 


The trick is learning to be strong enough to always hold the shield up and not letting it drop, even in the company of friends. We are warned, after all, that our war is not against human beings but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Always, it's a battle that we cannot see. Even though we'd like to name certain people who seem so obviously on the devil's side...your fight isn't against them. 

Words,guys, words. They have power. Lots of power. There is no such thing as an innocent jab. Or a meaningless sarcastic remark. The words that come out of your mouth are either going build someone up or tear someone down, rip them apart and cause gangrene and rot. You can choose whether or not you side with The Lord or with devil by what your words are going to do, but the choice is yours all the same. And it really is a matter of sides. You are either for God or you're not. 

So, quick confession, as much as I try to only dwell on whatever is pure and lovely and good, sometimes I listen to non-Christian music... Gasp if you must..it's not that shocking though. And one of my favorite songs is called "carry on" by FUN.  And it has these lines that go, "and I like to think I can cheat it all to make up for the times I've been cheated on". Which I find interesting. Mostly because before I discovered the prison breaking power of forgiveness, a lot of my self-efficacy came from feeling better about myself by seeing where people who'd hurt me in my past ended up in life. Or I'd feel better about myself if I was especially able to have some cunning and sharp remark that might destroy them half as much as they destroyed me. My primary mode of making myself "look better" was by making those around me look worse. And if they semi-felt worse too than I considered it a double win. 

How evil. My heart was such a nasty pin cushion of sick and twisted self-centered awfulness bent on death and destruction. We like to think we are taking the daggers out of our hearts and thrusting them into the heart of the person who put it there, but all we do is is duplicate a knife and damage on top of damage. Hurt people hurt people. There's no science to it.  

Since I've observed in my own life how great one's desire to be the sharpest word sayer or best mean-come backer or best overall mask of apathetic shield of invincibility wearer can be, I've become quite fascinated to observe the same chords around the ankles of others. Not that I claim to be above such things perfectly, but since having met Jesus and been given new eyes for seeing his chosen people, I feel like sometimes I know something that others don't. 

Sometimes I'll observe someone being sarcastic and saying really degrading things to their friends and in my mind I think, "you think you're just being witty and funny but that knife you just slung wasn't forged just anywhere..you've got a whole stinken ANVIL of unforgiveness weighing you down and smithing the nastiest store of weapons." Or I'll think about the unkind remark and consider what lies the person might be believing that are fostering such insecurity. I've watched the insecurity of one friend breathe poison into another.

I've found it to be the worst amongst my Christian friends. Which I mean...I hate that. It makes me angry. Why is sarcasm a first language to most and kindness a foreign language that only a few people know? Why do we try make ourselves appear stronger by making our own teammates be weaker? The depth of stupidity in such logic is truly maddening. As a simple observer at this point, I can only be upset to watch those who flirt with distruction while dancing with Jesus, knowing I will be counseling the pour souls who hung out with their kind once too often. 

But at the same time, scientifically speaking, I suppose it is good for me to be on the front line taking hits and experiencing the feelings of complete remorse for existing and being such a terrible addition to the world's population. Since that lie is my Achilles' tendon, I've gotten a little better at learning how to fight it, which will come in handy when some broken being is sitting across from my desk explaining how being sorry for everything ranging from not good enough to being born in the first place. I will simply be able to say, "ah yes. I've sat in that hole before. I know it so well I could tell you the number of scales on every snake down there." 

Before you panic and think I'm depressed or suicidal, I'm not. No where close to it. I love Jesus! And my heart is loved and as whole as it could be. Because Jesus. But that doesn't mean that  my heart is immune  to sarcasm or doesn't get weighed down by negativity and malicious slander. But it's not so sharp as it is heavy. The word of The Lord is sharper than a two-edge sword, and the more you else yourself to that brand of sharp, the less sharp other stuff becomes. But bruises still hurt even if they don't break the skin. 

Where is this coming from? Putting my trust in chariots and horses I guess. Friends can be a lot of things, they can be a vehicle for good things and they can be as brave and adventurous as a wild stallion, but they are equally as dangerous since they can trample you or throw a shoe at any moment. I put my hope in people too often. Way too often. I'm a sponge for affirmation and ill hope in anything and anyone who might give it. But I always put my ducks in the wrong order since my identity in Christ tends to be my fall back instead of my front line fighter. It's part of learning battle strategy, I guess. Most people get burned before they learn not to play with fire. 

Love, though, puts out a multitude of fires. It's the best antibiotic for bitterness and infection and it heals into the deepest places. The point though, is to always be working to build others up rather than tear them down

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Dirty Mirror

I don't think I will ever fully comprehend the fullness of God's deep love. I don't think I will ever fully comprehend..or begin to comprehend why He chose to open my heart to His love. Nor will I ever know how to be grateful enough. 

I was asking the Lord about it today. "Lord, why me? What's special about me that I should be welcomed to call you Father and that you would choose to call me yours?" 
"Because I love you. That is why." 
"But why love me?"
"Because. Because I cannot be any different. Because I don't know how not to love you. Because I don't know how not to fight for you or how not want you. I just do"
"But Lord, I don't know how to love you back. I don't know how to love your people well. I don't know how to be kind or truthful or full of grace."
"My love is enough for the both of us. You will love me with my own love and you will love my people with my love. You will learn kindness from my kindness and truth from my Truth. You will be filled with the grace I fill you with and you will be strengthened by my hand."

And that is where I catch my breath and surrender, because as much as I don't know how to let the Lord love me well, I know even less how to run away from His love with any kind of success. This morning as I reflected on all the many blessings the Lord has piled on top of me whilst I have been enjoying safe pastures, I have quite come to realize that my heart isn't near big enough to handle the weight or depth or great amount of glory the Lord has displayed to me through His love. My heart isn't big enough for His love. 

Nor will it ever be. It cannot be contained at any capacity. I've never really thought about the significance of the heart before, but isn't funny that the heart doesn't hold onto blood in our physical bodies? It pumps it and filters it and sends it to all the far corners of our appendages. It doesn't keep it, it doesn't hoard it. If at any point the heart decided that the blood it received coming in wasn't for going back out, we would die. Our hearts would explode and we'd be in big trouble. 

Of course the heart is the perfect place for the Lord to take up residency. As he pumps his love in, our hearts pump it out. Love was not meant to sit and pool and become stagnant. Love is meant for all the far corners of everyone at the end of our fingertips. Anyone we encounter, anyone we meet. Especially strangers. What if a stranger doesn't know Jesus and their ten second interaction with you is the only interaction with someone who has Jesus in their hearts all day? Love always. Always love. 

Always be patient, always be kind. Don't be envious or boastful, don't be proud. Do not dis-honor others, do not be self-seeking. Don't be easily angered and do not keep any records of wrongs. Rejoice in truth, protect, hope, persevere. That is how you love others well. That is what you are called to do, because you have been called His. 

But I still don't know how to do this well. I tell people that I love Jesus, but I'm not especially faithful to set aside to be with alone with Him. I don't go to Him first when something comes up and pricks my heart. I don't run to him with my exciting news and share with him the awkward moments of my day. Do I truly love Him? Or do I just love the idea of Him being there when I *need* Him? 

I think my hearts wants to love Him better. It just lacks the  discipline for accomplishing such a task. But in the meantime, the Lord still loves, still pursues, still protects, still perseveres. He keeps no records of my wrongs and is patient and kind.

It brings to mind the hymn entitled, "My Jesus I Love Thee" Which contains the verse,
I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree;
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus 'tis now.
 
Some day the Lord will give my heart the capacity to comprehend His great love. But now I simply see but as a poor reflection, as in a mirror. Someday I shall see face-to-face. I look forward to that day. I am very excited for that day. But until then, I shall enjoy the journey of getting there. I will take great delight in the blessings the Lord bestows upon me along the way and I shall do my best to surrendering my life to be used to love others with the Love God gives me.

Friday, May 23, 2014

The Adventures of Fern

I've been waking up naturally at 6:30 lately. I guess I'm okay with it... it gives me time to get things done before I head out the door and give up my day to watching the children. 

I'm a little sore today. A happy kinda sore, though. I have great friends. GREAT friends! They're all gems. Especially the kind who are quick to rescue one in distress. Not that I'm in any REAL distress very often... but in the moment, it kind of seems like distress. 

For example, the other day, a friend of mine asked me to come to his house at 6pm to help plant his garden. "SURE! I LOVE PLANTING GARDENS!" I and my roommate showed up at 6:15ish and upon a quick glance over at the garden and not seeing our friend.. or his truck for that matter... we walked towards the front door. Falling behind eachother along the way trying to make the other one arrive to the door first and be the first to go through it. (They don't really knock on doors as much as they open them and go through them in that culture). 

I lost the leap-frog game and happened upon the door first. I opened it and entered, like ya do, and was greeted by said friend's mom in the kitchen. She seemed quite enthused to see us and asked if we were looking for said friend. "Why yes, we are! Is he here?" 
"I'm afraid not. He doesn't usually get home til 8pm or so"
*Enter internal gasps and slight shocks*
"Oh!... 8??"
"Yep. DId he give you a specific time to be here?"
"Yeah... 6." 

We both kind of looked at each other again.. but we both know said friend..obviously... and we weren't that surprised. His mom is probably one of the sweetest, kindest and most beautifullest ladies ya ever did meet. She sweetly welcomed us in and put us to work prepping said friend's potatoes for planting. We took our potato project out to the front porch where we were content to watch the kitties tumble over themselves and Amish buggies and wagons trot on by. My day is made every time I encounter a buggie. 

We did the potato thing for 30 minutes or so and then washed up in the house. The kind mom of said friend sat us down with water and juices and placed a freshly made cake in front of us. She left to ready herself for church and said friend's dad came over to tell us about his chicken farming days. And then they left. 

And it was my roommate and myself sitting in their kitchen with no one home. While this is far from the cultural norm for both of us, it's not that "odd" for this bunch of friends we have. In fact, it's perfectly normal to be sitting in someone's living room or back yard when the person isn't home. While my roommate and I felt a little odd at first, we rather embraced how truly welcomed and accepted we felt since we weren't told to leave or sit on the porch until someone else came home. These group of people has taught me SO MUCH about hospitality. Because they just are. The whole "my home is your home" is a literal reality for them and I love it. They cook at each others houses and sleep and nap and live...just life together all the time.

Anyways... In our "distress" of hanging out in our friend's kitchen alone, we invited a different friend over. He was slightly preoccupied at the time, but he was quick to offer he would come as fast as legally possible. So in the meantime, Anne and I decided to check up on the "I saw kittens in the out house" phrase that we heard uttered from our friend's mother's mouth. 

We wandered out to the garden and found the quaint little structure...just on the otherside of an electric fence that was about 18inches high maybe. Most people would think, "I'll just straddle that
thing and step over it." Not us. We are short and we didn't know if it was on or not and we didn't wanna risk finding out it was on by finding out our short little legs were too short to safely clear the fence. So, being the clever girls that we are, we found a spot in the fence where it appeared to be raised slightly and then army crawled underneath it. Success! We weren't shocked.


Upon arriving at the outhouse, the next trick was opening the door...which we didn't realize was propped up and barely on its hinges. Oops. Oh well. We did find kittens! And a protective mama cat that kept jumping out towards us and then back towards her young. We propped the door back and figured we'd ask a boy to catch one for us later.

Moving on, we decided to try out his trees in his little cow farm. We attempted to climb a few with not much success...as well as me discovering with my foot that there were soft cow 
pies. ...rude.

We did eventually find a promising looking tree, but we needed a ladder. So we moved on from the trees and began hunting barns.... All this is normal farm things to do, I know. It just was exciting for us because you don't normally do that at other people's homes when their not home. But we did eventually find a ladder and we returned to the tree and managed to get ourselves stuck in it. Eventually I managed to get myself out..but Anne was struggling and I was laughing way too hard at the situation to be of any use for helping her. Our friend who had come to rescue us from our distress happened upon me laughing at Anne being stuck in the tree and kindly guided her dangling foot to the ladder whilst offering encouraging words as she slowly made her way down. 

We then asked him to catch us some kittens and he did. And THEN the friend that actually lived there showed up and asked if we had left him a plot in the garden for more corn. "Yes sir..all we did was prep your potatoes and climb your trees and Explore your barns and cuddle your kittens... And eat your cake and read your Amish history book on how to grow chickens" 
He went to work planting whilst we played with the kittens. 

Another friend joined us shortly thereafter and we sat in the kitchen and chatted and then moved out to the porch where we observed 5 minutes of silence before returning to conversation as usual.

Last night I was invited along to keep my friend Amanda company whilst she vocally coached a young lady from our friends' church. I get bored sometimes when I'm other people's houses and am not supposed to be making any sounds so I texted ahead to see if my kitten catching friend would be there..since he lives there after all. He was busy and not home, so I resigned myself to try to cleverly come up with a way to entertain myself quietly. I thought about their trees but I'm not as confident to explore other people's yards when it's just me by myself. 

But then! My kitten catching friend stopped in to say hello before heading off to a bonfire. How kind!   As he was saying goodbye he suggested I take their 4wheeler through the woods to entertain myself. After explaining to him that I didn't know how to operate one he asked if I'd like a ride and of course the answer was yes! 

He asked if he should keep it at a slow pace and of course I said no. FAST FAST FAST!! Near death experiences are my favorite. So off we went, ducking under branches, dodging trees, and chasing the neighbor's cattle around the pastures. The mama cows didn't take too kindly to us playing cowboy round up with them and stood their ground..and looked like they might murder us if we got to close to their suckling young. Oh my goodness, I coulda died happy right then and there. It was so fun!

And now today is a work day. Driving children places, feeding them, trying to get them to keep their clothes on, and sticking my fingers into the 1 yr old's mouth to retrieve the soggy play doh he decided to taste test. At the end of the day I will take my first round of "moving out" objects home to my parents and hopefully have a relaxing weekend with my siblings and friends. We'll see how much sleep I end up getting... Probs not much since there's an EPIC METEOR SHOWER TONIGHT OH MY GOODNESS!!! 1000 meteors an hour!!! Oh you know ima be sleeping on the roof. :)

Anyways...that is just a small tiny itty bitty teeny weeny little glimpse of what sorts of adventures pack my days and my nights. Every day is an adventure full of adventures. Every day. I'll try to remember to share the stories every now and again. :) 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

What to do What to do

If the fail blog didn't already exist, I'd probably rename this one. I have a great tendency to start lots of things...and then just not finish or keep up with them..

Paintings for example...I love painting! But I have 5...FIVE canvasses that have been started and not finished. I put in a good 7 hours on one of them yesterday, so I'm making progress...but I lack motivation to keep going on the others. Partly because of the time it take to detail, and partly because I've been way too easily discouraged lately. By everything. 

But painting is one way that I choose to glorify God...since all our abilities come from him, obviously. I am constantly amazed that he painted the whole universe in just 6 days when I can't even paint a 36x40 inch canvas in a month. I don't claim any talent in painting. It's all The Lord. 

My heart is in such an odd place right now. I think it's cracking under the weight of the great many blessings with which The Lord has been overwhelming me. Too say The Lord has been good to me wouldn't even be a drop of the ocean He has bestowed upon me. But the sand is quickly dropping its last grains as my time is just a few short weeks more. WEEKS guys. 

But we've been making "what to do" lists. I have 4 now...pages long. There's a list for my roommates and I with my Kalona friends, one for the few short days that my cousins will be in town. One for the month I'm in storm lake with my cousins and one for the planned trip to South Dakota. 

I think I'm afraid to complete or accomplish everything on the list because it will be over. I don't want things to be over.  I feel like I've already said this too many times,though, and that people are getting sick of my depressive thoughts on moving. Sorry not sorry. I just love my friends a lot. 

In the mean time, though, so much life! Every day is a new adventure! Every day is a new opportunity to grow in my faith and walk closer to God.  Everyday I'm surrounded by my best east friends and every day my heart feels whole and happy and loved.  I am the most content I have ever been. 

But I don't mind that my heart must break again. The depth of comfort The Lord pours out makes the pain kind of joyful, even though its not especially fun. If nothing else, I look forward to The Lord re-healing my heart and loving me in a new way, through a new brokenness. 

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But for an update on my life since my blogging is so sporadic, it's coming to the end of May. Obviously. I have been working every day. Nannying. I've enjoyed it, but am ready to move past it. I've had ten too many awkward encounters and the fact that I had any at all was too much, plus, I mean, college grad...there's more to life than feeling like a terrible parent before you have any kids of your own. It's been good, mostly. But I've eaten the grass of these pastures and I'm needing a little more nutritional value. I've already said moms don't get enough credit. It can't be said enough, 

There's a lot of work that goes into kids. Picking one up cuz it's crying only to set them quickly down to stop another from putting a penny in an outlet. There's also the parts where they lock you in their bedrooms, sit on the puppy, color on the wall, put oatmeal in their hair, throw toys at the window, run around naked whilst refusing to put on clothes, empty the baby's toy shelf into the trash can, trail play doh on the carpet, wake up the dad who just worked a nightshift, scream bloody murder, and pee on the rug. 

It comes with the territory, obviously, they're kids. But lately, I've felt more like I'm babysitting a house whilst miniature tornadoes defeat all my efforts to keep things together. Mostly, I just know I'm not good enough to be ...this. A home keeper upper, or a "mom". Which is an end goal of mine eventually, but I'm not cut out for it yet. Not that I think I ever will be, really. But it makes me more content to wait for that phase of life...and by content I mean that I praise Jesus every day that he has yet to fulfill my calling to be a mother. "Take your time, Jesus, I'm in no hurry!"

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I went to Florida last week. For a few days, to visit my sister. 7 of us Kohl kids reunited in Ft. Meyers and it was delightful. We hiked through a slough, we walked by the ocean, we met some turtles, we swam with dolphins, we met up with cousins, played cards, had a bonfire, biked around an island, soaked up the sun, had a giant sleep over, read our bibles together, prayed together,  swing danced on a cobblestone downtown area and cuddled as much as the heat would allow.  It was a full week! Full of fun, full of joy, full of laughter, full of life. 

Besides that, my life has been filled with people! Almost every day someone has come into our home or we've gone into theirs. I love having an open door to everyone and that people feel obliged to come through it. I love when our living room is filled with laughter or conversations about Jesus. I love that The Lord lives in our house and that we have a place to bless people with as they come and go. My mom taught me that. About hospitality, that is. She is a great hostess. The best I know.  Guys, have people over! It's so fun! It trumps Facebook, it trumps video games, it trumps texting, it trumps a life excluded from the world. I understand introvert time, I encourage it..but if you have yet to experience  the joy of true fellowship...you're missing a slice of cheesecake life that tastes better than anything you've had before. 

---- 
*sigh* two more hours of work and I'm home free, well...I'm home long enough to grab a quick supper, throw my roommate into my car and then go plant potatoes at a friends house. And then...idk what. We'll life together for a few hours. 

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I think I'll use the next two hours to clean up the magic tiles and the kitchen set play food, the books, the cars, the musical instruments, the hat box, the rain boots, the crayons, the magazines, the shoes, the clothes, and everything else scattered around the floor.. And I'll feed the kiddos more cheese and rescue the dog that's getting ridden like a horse by the one year old.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

This MAY be a long one....

Ermergersh... I draft more than the NFL.  I've been putting so many blogs together lately.. and than I don't end up finishing them. :/

Half of the reason being that I've been working a lot more lately, so it's typically when my kiddos are taking a nap that I am able to sit down and type something up. However, if you know anything about toddlers, they don't always nap for very long and sometimes their naptime is a great time to clean up the toys or respond to emails or wash the dishes or take a nap for yourself.

Today I am taking a sick day. In all the years that I have worked, I've never taken a sick day off work, so this is a first for me. I've also never had an eye infection before, so that's also a first. 
Randomly on Saturday evening, my eye just all the sudden swelled really big and was in so much pain, I couldn't even. I was helping at a youth retreat at the time and since there was a risk of it being pink eye, I had to retire from that job so as not to start an epidemic throughout all of Ankeny. 

I went to the doctor Sunday morning and he didn't say anything as to what it was.. just that he was giving me steroids and antibiotics to help it. Thank goodness, because I was worried I'd have to let my hair hang over one half of my face for a whole week. 
It's recovering quickly, I think. 

Emotionally, though, I'm exhausted. The Lord is beginning to dig out and uncover my roots so as to transplant me once again. My heart is sad. Excited too... but sad. 


Can I just tell you all the things I've been processing lately? It's a lot. 

Okay.. so peace has been a major theme lately. Because lately it's what I've been clinging to. 
I'm moving again. I'm pretty sure. My roommate/best friend and I keep looking at eachother and asking, "Uh.. why are we doing this again?" "Just whyyy??"

I mean, there are ups and downs to this whole process. Maybs if I list my thoughts here it will help explain it to our plethora of friends who keep asking us, "Uhmm... why?" I mean.. We're obviously asking OURSELVES that question, making us question more than we question is not helping. But it makes us feel loved, so it's okay that you ask. :)

Okay, so why we're moving. The big reason: Our lease is up in July. I mean.. we've  had leases run out on us before.. obviously.. LAST YEAR WE MOVED ACROSS TOWN AND IT WAS A CRAZY BIG WHOLE DEAL... But we didn't re-contract anywhere in Iowa City. And housing is hard to find short notice in Iowa City.. soo....... I mean, yeah. We gotta move. However, the man who bought our building from our previous property management DID come to our door a few days ago asking if there was anything he could do to convince us to stay... "Uhmmm... Just tell us it's God's will and we'll gladly stay!!"

On top of that, though, life in Iowa City costs money. Which.. I mean, we work, so that's not too big of an issue, but still, we have the option of retiring for a few months to give ourselves a head start in our bank accounts by moving somewhere cheaper. The Lord has called us to be wise and at this point, the wise thing is to move out of Iowa City and get growner upper jobs. Nannying is a good job, but I suppose I should do more with a 4 year degree than do something that doesn't take a degree. 

So where are we moving? Des Moines. Well... Amanda is right away.. I'll be a few months behind her. I'll go home and visit my parents/siblings for a month or two and do all the job appy stuff that adults gotta do, and then Amanda and I will re-convene in Des Moines. 

Why Des Moines? Well.... a lot of reasons!
1) Amanda is from that area and it's halfway between home and Iowa City for me. 
2) I have 2 brothers there and she has two parents there
3) My childhood best friend lives there with her husband and another good friend (her brother) also lives close by
4) It's a new place. New job opportunities. New ministry opportunities. God calls us to new things. 

But guys, It's so hard! Because we are *incredibly* beyond words blessed in every aspect of our lives right now. 

1)I live with my closest friends.

2) Kalona is just a 20 minute drive and our friends from Kalona are some of the highest quality friends/people I've ever met ever. 

3)People come over to our house! I can't tell you HOW MUCH JOY floods into my heart when people come into our house and fill our rooms with laughter and chatter. People just come over. They don't even always call ahead.. they just show up and I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! Guys, always! If you ever live close to me, come to my house! Eat my food! Sleep on my couch. Watch my movies. Use my computer. My door is open to you!! Always always always!! Bring friends! 

4) Our church. Oh my goodness our church! I LOVE our church! I love the worship, the pastors, the community, the communion, all of it. I love it. 

5) I love knowing my way around Iowa City. I love knowing the street names and not getting lost. 

6) I have so many good memories of God doing great things in my life here in this city. Little strands of my heart have become intertwined with Iowa City. 

7)It's home. It just is.

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But it's still a city. The tricky thing is that my heart belongs out of the city. In big open spaces, under the visible stars, in view of a good sunset, with access to a large patch of green grass. I LOVE where I am currently because I'm close enough to Kalona that I can come up for air every now and again. 

I can't tell you how many times I've driven into the sunset on my way to adventure in Kalona and my heart did a hop, skip and a jump with pure delight. 

--

It's just a tricky thing. But I'm learning to surrender. I've told the Lord before, "Send me and I'll go." And I have to be willing to follow through with that. I have to be willing to surrender my friends and comforts and preferences. If I've said I'm willing to move half-way across the world, than I need to be willing to move half-way across the state. The Lord has way too good of things in store for me yet to hold back now. 

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God is so good, guys. Two years ago, I had a very different picture in mind as to where I would be right at this exact time of my life. And when the Lord began to reshape where my life was heading, I was so broken and I just couldn't imagine that the Lord could have something better. 
But I can honestly say, I would have traded that other path a thousand times over for where the Lord has me now. I am blessed far beyond my own comprehension and loved far better than I can even absorb. 

Last night was the last connection group of... well... ever. For our intimate little group anyways. We've been a group for 4 years now. We've been life'ing with Jesus together for 4 YEARS. I think basically we all just cried for 3 hours. And we prayed over each other and said our goodbyes. Thankfully we don't have to OFFICIALLY good bye just yet.. but it's one of the branches the Lord is pruning that hurts a little bit a lot. 

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That is that. Basically. Except that I have learned that money really can't buy you everything you thought it could. For example, I bought a new car last fall in the belief that I'd be buying a life free of car hassles and fix ups and repairs....ahaha.... The Lord chuckles. 

It's as if the Lord said, "Well Fern, I see that you don't have to trust me as much to get from point A to point B with this lovely new car you have. I see that you like it really a lot and idolize it a little more than you should. What say you if something slightly traumatic were to happen to it? Suppose for an instant you thought potentially that your car was wrecked and gone forever and all hope you'd put in your car died for a second? What say you if you had to be dependent on me for basic car safety again? What say you if you have to find a mechanic to trust given how awful the last 2 years of mechanics have treated you?"

Well Lord, uh.. It's your car. You provided me with it. It is to be used to further your kingdom and for your purpose and glory so.... yeah. Your will, Lord. Also, your car has some scratches in it....

*sigh* I can talk about it now because enough time has passed... like, I think it's been three weeks since that fateful night. I'll spare you the details, but basically someone (not me) might have taken out a barbed wire fence with my car and in doing so, took out my front fog light, my back tale light, and paint. A lot of paint. 

But! The Lord is choosing to show me his great love through it all and there have been some fine gentlemen stepping up and providing me with lower-costing options for getting it all fixed. Plus the fellow who put the car in the ditch in the first place has volunteered to cover the cost of repairs. So... in the mean time it's just dusting off my pride and learning to be more wise about leaving my keys on the seat of my car in the future. The Lord is good. I still have a car. A working car. It's still in a lot better shape than the 5 I went through last year and I've cried a lot less tears over this one..so that is also good.