Going into this retreat I was feeling pretty distant and numb. I just haven't felt the Holy Spirit for a while and that has been really hard. I've really struggled with apathy in my walk because while I've felt distant, I haven't gone out of my way to seek the Lord either.
The Friday of the retreat it snowed a great deal during the day and so of course I was a little stressed about the drive to Des Moines. By the time we left Iowa City, however, the snow had moved on and the roads were clear and so my travel buddies and I figured it would be all smooth sailing and an uneventful road trip. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Half an hour into our drive on I80 we encountered major traffic backup as a semi had jack-knifed and brought us all to a stand still. Of course we eventually reached the hotel safe and sound, but I was exhausted even before the retreat officially started.
As worship started that first night, there was nothing I wanted more than to connect to God. I wish I could say it was instantaneous or that I was just immediately drawn into the presence of God. But that was not the case. I found my thoughts wondering and then I would remind myself to take every thought captive. As the first session started I submitted myself to the teaching and took notes and did not let me thoughts stray, but I still did not feel connected, emotionally or spiritually. My roommate/co-Bible study leader and I got to co-lead a connection group set up at the retreat that consisted of girls from our Bible study along with some girls from other groups. Our discussion went well but it did not draw out any emotion or deep thoughts and I continued in my struggle to feel close to God. I did not feel completely disconnected.. I felt like God was near by but my heart had some sort of layer of dry mud on it that prevented his love and mercy from reaching me and awakening my exhausted and burdened heart.
Even though I felt emotionally disconnected, I had joy. I'm very thankful for that. I felt God near and I knew that God planned to remove whatever it was that was not letting me feel His touch.
That first night's activities ended at 12am and, thankfully, all my hotel roommates saw that as a good time to go to sleep. It was just a sweet time to be in a room full of believing women all wanting to feel close to Jesus and to encourage one another and strengthen each other in their walk. Every moment since the start of the retreat was like water on a parched tongue..sweet and refreshing. I slept sweetly as I anticipated the great things I knew Jesus was planning for the next day.
Yesterday (Saturday) as our days started and before we attended break out sessions, we were given a window of time to just spend with Jesus and try to connect with Him. It was just a good time to sit down and tell God how much I longed to feel Him close to me. I just kept asking Him to come close and breathe life back into my heart. I'm *so* pleased to tell you that God hears prayers : ) At that very moment I felt God go to work scraping off that dry layer of mud caked on my heart.
There is way too much to sum up in a blog, but last night at the evening session, God and his angels went to war. The speaker gave a really powerful message and somewhere in the middle of it God finished scraping off the mud and it was as if He whispered in my ear, "It is finished." My heart felt alive again and that incredible message was followed by an incredible worship time. So many people were falling in love with Jesus and having their lives restored and finding forgiveness and love as God so greatly desired. The enemy, however, was not pleased with this.
I'm always amazed when Satan can stand be in a room of people praising Jesus with everything they have.. much less bring an army in there and wage war on believers. As my girls and I discussed what we'd experienced in the session back in our room later there was so much evidence of the spiritual warfare that had taken place over our heads and all around us. Several of the girls, including myself, testified to having up and down moments with Jesus. There would be times when we felt SO close to God and in His presence and full of joy and the next moment the feeling would be God. I remember in one of those moments I asked God, "where'd you go? Why are you leaving?" and then I felt close to God again.
A couple of us felt our arms become heavy when lifting our hands in praise and both my roommate and I's left shoulder literally popped. (Why the left side? idk). There were moments when we felt so right in lifting our hands to praise the Father and then moments when we felt wretched and unworthy. There would be thoughts of stresses put in our minds and thoughts of the homework that awaited us when we left. The enemy did everything he could to take our minds of worshiping Jesus. There was just so much stuff going on. Fortunately, our God fights for us, and also.. Satan didn't bring in enough forces and not everyone suffered the attacks. Also! God won! We all came away from that SO in love with Jesus and united with Him. Praise the LORD!!
As we all sat there and recounted our night and shared about the spiritual warfare and the attacks, one of my sweet bible study girls and dear friends suggested we find some scripture to read over us and claim as a truth in our lives. : ) I just smile as I remember how my mom made me memorize those Who I am in Christ verses. (Thanks again). As I shuffled through the verses in my head I was able to recall one passage that always made me feel powerful when I spoke it out loud.
*I am free from condemnation brought against me and cannot be separated from the love of God*
Romans 8:31-39
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I wish there was a way to describe all the amazing things God did this weekend in my life and others. I really wish everyone else could have their hearts revived too. I wish everyone could spend even 2 minutes in the presence of God and just know how much He loves them and how much He is pleased with them. I wish everyone could know that with every shameful thing they've done that they don't feel worthy of forgiveness for, it's already been forgiven.
I can only pray that you stand still for a moment and create a space for God to move into. It is well worth your time and the most satisfying thing you could ever do.
Thank you Fern. Ashley and I are hoping to be at Family Camp so I am really looking forward to interacting with you then. I think you said that you might try to make it out to our wedding too. I really enjoy reading your posts and seeing your heart that longs for Jesus. That passage you quoted from Rom 8:1 and the last part of Romans 8 are so powerful verses. When I feel weighed down by my guilt even after I've confessed it to God I try to preach verses like that to myself and believe that I am right before God on the basis of Jesus. We're saved by works -just not our own works. We are saved by the works of Jesus given to us by faith.
ReplyDeletesee you Fern! :)