I spent my Spring break at home in good ol' Storm Lake, Iowa where nothing much happens out of the ordinary. I volunteered a little tiny bit with a local ministry that reaches out to the nations that have made their home in Storm Lake. While I enjoyed my time serving very much, it was difficult for me to return to school feeling like I'd done anything significant. While I was home enjoying my comforts and serving a little, my younger brother was on a medical missions trip to South America living in poor and uncomfortable conditions loving God's children and he came home full of joy. A joy that I wanted.
I semi-regretted not returning to Brazil and going to serve at the orphanage again. But I kept reminding myself how sad and lonely I was on that trip.
I had come back from Brazil empty to the max with out any joy to report or great stories to tell. I had gone to a poor country, worked to help around the lar and had made a miserable climb up a mountain. Why would I go through that again?
Last night, this year's Brazil team stood on the stage and shared how their trip went. It was so difficult for me to not be jealous of them.. in fact.. I am. I listened to girls share how they were given the chance to open their Bible's everyday and get in the word. I keep searching my memory and I cannot remember being given the chance to have my own quiet time when I was there. In fact, I remember more than anything how much I missed God on that trip. We opened the Bible sometimes, I remember that. At least, our leader opened *his* Bible and read stuff to us sometimes, and we attended some Bible studies and so we saw the Brazilians open *their* Bibles... but I don't remember opening mine, which rather disturbs me.
Honestly, lately, I've quite struggled with questioning my significance as a Christian. How much I've done and if I'm really worth all that much on the battle field. I don't have much of an answer for that. I know God uses me sometimes with some people, but overall I'm just not sure. I guess I've just come to this sickening reality I have not been a blessing to the people and places I have gone to serve. I have not been significant at all. I served in Brazil and had no joy and did not feel like I actually did anything for God's kingdom. I spent a summer as a camp counselor and had no joy and did not feel like I did anything for God's kingdom either. Currently I am a Bible study leader and I do have joy, but I don't really feel like I'm doing much for God's kingdom. Spring break I helped sort food and teach ESL classes and do office work and while I had joy, I did not feel significant. This summer I will be out on the mission field again, working with children and doing whatever, and I'm not sure that I will be doing anything significant. I just don't know.
And I know it's not about how I feel and all that because God uses us even when we don't know it... but personally, I'd like to feel it at some point. And sometimes... I do. But lately, I haven't. I mean, sometimes I remember stuff I did in high school where I *knew* God was using me. I know I did stuff important and impacting in high school when I shared the gospel, when I prayed with people to accept Christ, when I served homeless people and brought people to church. I just wish I could have that now, when I'm in college. I wish when I did stuff that was supposed to be important, I would feel like I actually did something, I wish I'd feel closer to Jesus when I did it.
Last night I hear this question asked, "Are you walking close enough with Jesus that you have something to report?"
Well, I thought I was walking close to Jesus, but I don't think I have anything to report so now I feel like I'm not walking close to Jesus at all. I wish I felt like I was walking close to Jesus. I miss desiring to wake up early to spend time with Him. I miss the feeling of being in love with Him. I miss the feeling of so absolute joy that no trial looked like it could ever be too dark or too scary to discourage me. I miss the confidence in knowing my God can do absolutely everything and there's no miracle I could ask for that He wasn't capable of making happen if He so desired.
I miss all that.
Fern, one thing I think you should remember--what the world thinks is significant is not always what God thinks is significant.
ReplyDeleteServing children will never be viewed as significant by the world, nor will being kind to the checker at the grocery store, or smiling at the fast food worker, and warmly saying, "Thank you so much. God bless you!"
The greatest gift is love. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not selfish. If you really want to serve God, it isn't reporting "ten new souls won" or "50 homeless served dinner" that counts--it is being loving, in whatever you do, whenever you interact, and focusing on others instead of yourself.
Other-centeredness is a great way to stop angst in its tracks. Who do you know that needs a smile or a kind word today? You won't be respected by other Christians for that, but you will be showing love.
In the moment when Jesus died on the cross, his disciples completely failing him, and those he served rejecting him--he too had "nothing to report."
By the way--you and your siblings kindness to my daughter is one of the most significant things I have seen you do. It made, and makes, a huge difference, even now.
ReplyDeleteYet you would have had nothing to report from doing that.
I know this post was written many months ago, but I still want to comment :) Just wanted to say that I have and still often go through the exact same thing. I went on a missions trip for 8 weeks, and often times spent the entire day just going through the motions, and didn't feel any joy in doing what was supposed to be important. Though I was required to have quiet time with God every day, just as we did at Pine Lake, I didn't get the joy out of it that I wanted or expected, and I came back from the missions trip sure I hadn't done my job and worried that God wasn't pleased with me because of my lack of joy.
ReplyDeleteBut then I had a wake up call during debrief from that trip in Florida. Every single member of my team told me they had been encouraged by me in Africa. They had seen that I absolutely hated getting up at 5 in the morning, doing my devotions, and then spending the entire morning digging holes in the hardest ground on the face of the planet. But I did it anyway. I refused to give up and say it was too much. I even yelled at the stupid ground on many occasions, and I guess it lifted my friends spirits and made them laugh. This is when I realized something huge.
Sometimes our walk with Christ seems empty or void of joy, and sometimes that period lasts for quite a while. Mine lasted for almost 2 years. But our Christian walk is not judged by how much enthusiasm we have for the Lord, but rather if we continue to follow him whether we feel that enthusiasm or not. So where as it is definitely easiest or feels the best when we are filled with joy and enthusiasm, God sometimes purposely allows that joy to seem far away in order to better grow us. I also agree with S Kohl. The ministries that God places us in are the most important, whether that is in Africa, Brazil, a Christian Camp, our home, or the local grocery store.
It is harder to simply be content with where God has placed us then it is to go off and do some "important" ministry. I have learned this over and over through the years as God has called me to stay at home when I wished to leave, and go to Africa when I wished to stay.