Forgiven Much?

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. " -1 Peter 5:6-10

 "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

   “Now have come the salvation and the power
   and the kingdom of our God,
   and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
   who accuses them before our God day and night,
   has been hurled down." -Revelation 12:10

I've spent the last week not really pursuing God intentionally but I have not grown distant from Him either. 

I've been feeling kind of sick actually, mostly Spiritually, but just a little touch physically.. like I've had a rock at the bottom of my stomach. 

I've also been really up and down the last week also. Obviously I started out way down. I would have a feeling of joy and would experience defeat all over again. 

It wasn't until I started my quiet time this morning that I realized what was going on exactly. More than week ago I made it a goal to give my first to God. Starting with giving him the first hour of my day. I would wake up at 6 am and feast on His word and lose myself in His love. I was really enjoying my time with Jesus and it seemed so perfect ..that was until I hit a bump in the road. I was knocked flat on my back with the wind completely knocked out of me and I think I've spent the last week recovering from that. My quiet times were fairly non-existent apart from small moments throughout my day when I would cry out to Jesus for joy or ask Jesus what I needed to do. 

All the while I kept hearing that verse that goes, "You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?" replaying over and over in the back of my mind. Mostly, I kept hearing the phrase, "Who cut in on you?" 
It wasn't so much that I felt like someone cut in on me, I felt more like I'd been completely clothes-lined. I knew Jesus was trying to tell me something but I rather wanted to lay on the ground for a bit and contemplate life. 

I don't know if you've ever been clothes-lined or have witnessed it.. but it's rather painful. I remember one time at camp my best friend and I were headed back to our room for the night and my sister started running at top speed to beat us home or ask a question or something (I don't remember why she was running) but I saw her about to run between two trees and I turned to my friend and asked, "Wasn't there some reason why we never pass between those trees?" She was about to respond when we saw my sister stop, spring back and trip. We couldn't see the clothes-line because it was nighttime but we remembered pretty quickly what was special about the trees when my sister hit the ground. 

When I do my quiet time with Jesus I write everything out in a prayer journal because it helps me to know what I'm thinking, what Jesus is telling me, and I get to look back and see what Jesus has done with prayers I've offered up to Him. I've learned a lot about forgiveness in my lifetime and how it affects my walk with Jesus. I lived in such a dark place of unforgiveness for so long that I'm well aware of how dangerous it is to harbor anything in your heart. 

Ever since I had my clothesline moment I've kept thinking about this issue of forgiveness. I've told Jesus a couple of times that all is forgiven from that time and Jesus has let me feel forgiveness. At least.. mostly. As I was writing in my journal this morning I realized something I haven't noticed about myself before. I found myself writing that I could easily forgive someone for rejecting me but I could not forgive myself of being worthy of rejection. Soon after that, Jesus was quick to intervene. 

He was quick to bring to my mind about the devil is always seeking to devour and how he accused day and night. I do not have those verses memorized and I had to do several google searches before I understood what Jesus was telling me. 

Mostly, I was believing things that are not true of me because I belong to Jesus. 

And these little seeds of untruth have been growing on rich soil in my heart for the last 3 or 4 years. I know this because about three or four years ago I received a couple well-intentioned letters that stated a few things about me that were totally untrue of me at the time but i took them all to heart and believed myself to be such a huge fail in my relationship with Jesus that all someone could say about me after a few short encounters was that I was good at faking a relationship with God. I had been walking with Jesus for almost a year at that point and, while Jesus was still working on my heart, had made some pretty substantial changes in my life. I read the main letter over and over and over again. It was like an official document saying "You failed Jesus." For a while I kept the letter posted on the bulletin board in my room so I would always remember and do my best to do better. All the while people would tell not to let the devil have a foothold but I held on and justified that it must be truth since a year later I was given a replacement copy after I was told to get rid of the original. Eventually the letter was moved to a drawer where I would only read it on occasion. 


I guess I didn't realize how I'd become a slave to it. For as many times as I've forgiven others of wronging me, for as many times as I've forgiven the author of the letter, for as many times as I've asked Jesus for forgiveness of my own wrongs, I have never really thought about forgiving myself. 
So, when my clothesline moment happened, of course everything came back. I was so very convinced I failed in a big way. I am a people pleaser and I want *every*one to always like me. More than that, I love Jesus a lot and I want *every*one to *always* see Jesus in me. If someone finds a character flaw in me, automatically I experience a truckload of guilt. I've thought that was normal, like it was the Holy Spirit convicting me of sin in my life. But, I've also heard people say we don't need to carry guilt anymore because Jesus freed us.

So this past week, at my request, I had the infamous letter(s) sent to me so I could see if my life still matched what it did when I was 16. To my surprise... it didn't. There was no sting in reading the words, there was no truth to them at all. One of the truths that i had to memorize in high school was, "I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins." Funny how you can hear something multiple times before you really understand it. 


Anyways, it's amazing what Jesus has to do to get our attention sometimes, and I'm not proud that it took so long to realize what I have been letting take up residence in my heart. But, it's good to be aware of it so I can let Jesus get rid of it. 


 Luke 7:47
"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”


So what is the truth about me? I love much for I have been forgiven much.