Still I will say..

Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name.


I'm an hour and a half away from a Bible study that I co-lead with my roommate and to be honest, I'm empty. I know it's not exactly a sin for Christians to come to a point of being empty and such, but, somedays I don't feel adequate for this position. Some days, I feel like the exact wrong person to be in a place of spiritual leadership. 


Today is one of those days where there is pain in the offering on the road marked with suffering. Not that anything super awful happened in the recent past. I mean, there's been things, but not super traumatic or anything. 


I think I'm just feeling like I'm not what I could be. Actually, I know I'm not what I could be. Tonight our Bible study is talking about being God's workmanship created in Christ to do good works he prepared in advance for us. We're gonna talk about how God made us beautiful and we're going to talk about being the women God made us to be. If I'm being absolutely honest and transparent and open, it's hard to teach about it when you're having trouble believing it for yourself. If I may be so bold as to share this insecurity with the world: I don't feel of any great value or worth today. 


I know it's easy to say that's a common thing, especially for women to have days of insecurity and days of low self-worth and days where they don't feel beautiful... but really, somedays are harder than others. And today is one of those days where I can't tell if my life is making a difference and I can't tell if I've done anything of significance with my life up to this point and I don't know if I'm being what I've been called to be. 


From 1 Peter 3 I know I've been called to be a woman marked by the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. I know from from Proverbs 31 I should be a woman who fears the Lord, who opens my arms to the poor and reaches out to the needy. I know I should be setting an example for other women around me.. but today I am not sure if any of that is true of me. 


I so greatly desire to be the woman God calls me to be. I so greatly desire to have Jesus shine through my life.


 Today I sat down with the creator of the universe and talked to Him about what I'm feeling. I made space for Him to move in and fill up and bring joy. I surrendered my pain and insecurities. And now, I wait for the moment when I am whole again. I'm waiting for the day where I know I've made an impact some where. And you can tell me over and over and over again that I'm valuable and treasured and you can tell me I should only have to hear it once and I shouldn't rely on words of affirmation to feel valued, but that's not going to change anything. This post is *not* a request for compliments or affirmation.. this post is an expression of a desire to be filled with Jesus and be a real, open, honest, legit, beautiful woman of God. In my heart I know God values me no matter what I feel like I've done with my life, but there are just days where it's hard make my emotions correspond with the truth. Today I long for the joy of the Spirit filling me over full. 
"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait