The Dirty Mirror

I don't think I will ever fully comprehend the fullness of God's deep love. I don't think I will ever fully comprehend..or begin to comprehend why He chose to open my heart to His love. Nor will I ever know how to be grateful enough. 

I was asking the Lord about it today. "Lord, why me? What's special about me that I should be welcomed to call you Father and that you would choose to call me yours?" 
"Because I love you. That is why." 
"But why love me?"
"Because. Because I cannot be any different. Because I don't know how not to love you. Because I don't know how not to fight for you or how not want you. I just do"
"But Lord, I don't know how to love you back. I don't know how to love your people well. I don't know how to be kind or truthful or full of grace."
"My love is enough for the both of us. You will love me with my own love and you will love my people with my love. You will learn kindness from my kindness and truth from my Truth. You will be filled with the grace I fill you with and you will be strengthened by my hand."

And that is where I catch my breath and surrender, because as much as I don't know how to let the Lord love me well, I know even less how to run away from His love with any kind of success. This morning as I reflected on all the many blessings the Lord has piled on top of me whilst I have been enjoying safe pastures, I have quite come to realize that my heart isn't near big enough to handle the weight or depth or great amount of glory the Lord has displayed to me through His love. My heart isn't big enough for His love. 

Nor will it ever be. It cannot be contained at any capacity. I've never really thought about the significance of the heart before, but isn't funny that the heart doesn't hold onto blood in our physical bodies? It pumps it and filters it and sends it to all the far corners of our appendages. It doesn't keep it, it doesn't hoard it. If at any point the heart decided that the blood it received coming in wasn't for going back out, we would die. Our hearts would explode and we'd be in big trouble. 

Of course the heart is the perfect place for the Lord to take up residency. As he pumps his love in, our hearts pump it out. Love was not meant to sit and pool and become stagnant. Love is meant for all the far corners of everyone at the end of our fingertips. Anyone we encounter, anyone we meet. Especially strangers. What if a stranger doesn't know Jesus and their ten second interaction with you is the only interaction with someone who has Jesus in their hearts all day? Love always. Always love. 

Always be patient, always be kind. Don't be envious or boastful, don't be proud. Do not dis-honor others, do not be self-seeking. Don't be easily angered and do not keep any records of wrongs. Rejoice in truth, protect, hope, persevere. That is how you love others well. That is what you are called to do, because you have been called His. 

But I still don't know how to do this well. I tell people that I love Jesus, but I'm not especially faithful to set aside to be with alone with Him. I don't go to Him first when something comes up and pricks my heart. I don't run to him with my exciting news and share with him the awkward moments of my day. Do I truly love Him? Or do I just love the idea of Him being there when I *need* Him? 

I think my hearts wants to love Him better. It just lacks the  discipline for accomplishing such a task. But in the meantime, the Lord still loves, still pursues, still protects, still perseveres. He keeps no records of my wrongs and is patient and kind.

It brings to mind the hymn entitled, "My Jesus I Love Thee" Which contains the verse, I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree;
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus 'tis now.
 
Some day the Lord will give my heart the capacity to comprehend His great love. But now I simply see but as a poor reflection, as in a mirror. Someday I shall see face-to-face. I look forward to that day. I am very excited for that day. But until then, I shall enjoy the journey of getting there. I will take great delight in the blessings the Lord bestows upon me along the way and I shall do my best to surrendering my life to be used to love others with the Love God gives me.