As an aspiring future counselor and studier of psychology with an acute interest on emotional pasts, I tend to be one of THOSE people who observes behaviors and tendencies of people around as I formulate theories and ideas on what kinds of emotional weight do they have in their weaponry store that will be need to be dodged when they come out swinging.
Okay..well I don't ALWAYS assume people are a volcano on the verge of an eruption, but it never hurts to be on one's guard. And of course, I hardly exclude myself from my psycho-analysis of emotional reactions. In fact, I'm quite sure I observe and analyze myself more than anyone else I encounter. Mostly for the sake of striving to be more like Christ and surrendering my emotional baggage so as not to have a brick to hit people over the head with when the knives are thrusted into the most tender places of the core of my identity.
The Lord does command us, after all, "above all else guard your heart for it is a wellspring of life."
Be on your guard and be ready to defend when the wolves in sheep's clothing take up aim with fire brands and flaming arrows and justify themselves saying, "I was only joking." (Prov. 26:18**)
I can't tell you how entirely grateful I am that The Lord was very specific as to what all the pieces of the Amor of God did. The shield of Faith is specifically designed to deflect the flaming arrows of the evil one. "Why not a shield of Truth?" You might ask. Well...because you have Truth girdled around your midsection ...like a belt holding your other pieces together. Always there. The shield is a piece you move. You hold it up, you hold it at your side, you use it to defend and to attack. But you don't always use it...you have the choice to use it or not. But Truth...that's always where it should be. And the shield of faith is there to help you to see that Truth is working. You need faith to believe truth, but you aren't gonna think truth is doing any good if you don't have the faith to fend off the knives and daggers and everything else.
The trick is learning to be strong enough to always hold the shield up and not letting it drop, even in the company of friends. We are warned, after all, that our war is not against human beings but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Always, it's a battle that we cannot see. Even though we'd like to name certain people who seem so obviously on the devil's side...your fight isn't against them.
Words,guys, words. They have power. Lots of power. There is no such thing as an innocent jab. Or a meaningless sarcastic remark. The words that come out of your mouth are either going build someone up or tear someone down, rip them apart and cause gangrene and rot. You can choose whether or not you side with The Lord or with devil by what your words are going to do, but the choice is yours all the same. And it really is a matter of sides. You are either for God or you're not.
So, quick confession, as much as I try to only dwell on whatever is pure and lovely and good, sometimes I listen to non-Christian music... Gasp if you must..it's not that shocking though. And one of my favorite songs is called "carry on" by FUN. And it has these lines that go, "and I like to think I can cheat it all to make up for the times I've been cheated on". Which I find interesting. Mostly because before I discovered the prison breaking power of forgiveness, a lot of my self-efficacy came from feeling better about myself by seeing where people who'd hurt me in my past ended up in life. Or I'd feel better about myself if I was especially able to have some cunning and sharp remark that might destroy them half as much as they destroyed me. My primary mode of making myself "look better" was by making those around me look worse. And if they semi-felt worse too than I considered it a double win.
How evil. My heart was such a nasty pin cushion of sick and twisted self-centered awfulness bent on death and destruction. We like to think we are taking the daggers out of our hearts and thrusting them into the heart of the person who put it there, but all we do is is duplicate a knife and damage on top of damage. Hurt people hurt people. There's no science to it.
Since I've observed in my own life how great one's desire to be the sharpest word sayer or best mean-come backer or best overall mask of apathetic shield of invincibility wearer can be, I've become quite fascinated to observe the same chords around the ankles of others. Not that I claim to be above such things perfectly, but since having met Jesus and been given new eyes for seeing his chosen people, I feel like sometimes I know something that others don't.
Sometimes I'll observe someone being sarcastic and saying really degrading things to their friends and in my mind I think, "you think you're just being witty and funny but that knife you just slung wasn't forged just anywhere..you've got a whole stinken ANVIL of unforgiveness weighing you down and smithing the nastiest store of weapons." Or I'll think about the unkind remark and consider what lies the person might be believing that are fostering such insecurity. I've watched the insecurity of one friend breathe poison into another.
I've found it to be the worst amongst my Christian friends. Which I mean...I hate that. It makes me angry. Why is sarcasm a first language to most and kindness a foreign language that only a few people know? Why do we try make ourselves appear stronger by making our own teammates be weaker? The depth of stupidity in such logic is truly maddening. As a simple observer at this point, I can only be upset to watch those who flirt with distruction while dancing with Jesus, knowing I will be counseling the pour souls who hung out with their kind once too often.
But at the same time, scientifically speaking, I suppose it is good for me to be on the front line taking hits and experiencing the feelings of complete remorse for existing and being such a terrible addition to the world's population. Since that lie is my Achilles' tendon, I've gotten a little better at learning how to fight it, which will come in handy when some broken being is sitting across from my desk explaining how being sorry for everything ranging from not good enough to being born in the first place. I will simply be able to say, "ah yes. I've sat in that hole before. I know it so well I could tell you the number of scales on every snake down there."
Before you panic and think I'm depressed or suicidal, I'm not. No where close to it. I love Jesus! And my heart is loved and as whole as it could be. Because Jesus. But that doesn't mean that my heart is immune to sarcasm or doesn't get weighed down by negativity and malicious slander. But it's not so sharp as it is heavy. The word of The Lord is sharper than a two-edge sword, and the more you else yourself to that brand of sharp, the less sharp other stuff becomes. But bruises still hurt even if they don't break the skin.
Where is this coming from? Putting my trust in chariots and horses I guess. Friends can be a lot of things, they can be a vehicle for good things and they can be as brave and adventurous as a wild stallion, but they are equally as dangerous since they can trample you or throw a shoe at any moment. I put my hope in people too often. Way too often. I'm a sponge for affirmation and ill hope in anything and anyone who might give it. But I always put my ducks in the wrong order since my identity in Christ tends to be my fall back instead of my front line fighter. It's part of learning battle strategy, I guess. Most people get burned before they learn not to play with fire.
Love, though, puts out a multitude of fires. It's the best antibiotic for bitterness and infection and it heals into the deepest places. The point though, is to always be working to build others up rather than tear them down
No comments:
Post a Comment