Annnnnd Febz is almost over. I did a lot of drafting in the last two weeks... but I doubt those will see the light of day. I've been strongly encouraged not to blog when I'm "Emotional" and that is exactly what I've been lately.
I mean, my grandpa passed away. And I know some people would like to interject and correct me in saying "GREAT grandpa, actually"...as if that makes him less special or his passing less difficult. He was one of my closer grandpas and greatest heros, even if he was *JUST* my GREAT-grandpa.
So, I mean... grieving. I'm bad at it. But I'm getting the hang of it, I think. I'm starting to come out of the processing hole I've been hiding out in lately. Maybe some day I'll talk about it, for now we're just going to move on.
I feel funny right now, actually. That funny feeling where you read the Bible and drink coffee and the Bible is so captivating so you keep reading and without thinking, you keep drinking, and ALL THE SUDDEN( Oh MAH GOODNESS) your heart is going 10million miles a minute and you don't know if it's the Holy Spirit or the caffeine making you so buzzed up to heck.
I think both. But I'd like to think it's mostly Jesus.
The funeral last week, guys... AMAZING. Okay that sounds weird.
In general, I hate them..funerals that is. Anything death I hate. My cousin once dared me to reach into a casket one time and touch my diseased great-grand mother when I was a younger child and, I mean... no. It wasn't a human. Just a shell.. a cold, hard corpse. And after that moment, I vowed never again. Touching dead bodies that is.
Anyways, this funeral, it was great. I mean, of course I bawled my eyes out and went through half a box of tissues in one sitting...and wished I'd have walked down the aisle with the whole box.. but there was so much Jesus there, guys.
My grandfather, Chester Norman Eggen...he was a man I'll forever admire. I can't describe him well enough, but to say he loved the Lord would be the greatest understatement of the century. He was 102, he attended at least FIVE Bible studies regularly, he memorized scripture every day, he has prayed for me by name every day of my existence, he never once called me the wrong name. He grew tomatoes as a means of sharing the gospel, he invited everyone into his house and was the hands, feet, and love of Jesus to every human being who got within a couple degrees of knowing him.
He was my biggest cheerleader and best encouragement for all 22 years of my knowing him. Even when I wasn't really following the Lord, he still spoke words of encouragement to me as if I was. I'm quite convinced that his faithful prayers are a huge reason why I know the Lord's voice as well as I do.
So, all that is to say, grandpa being gone now has been a lot to take in. I'm not in despair or without hope, of course, just sad to have to say a temporary goodbye to one of my favorites. You know?
But! He spoke at his own funeral, believe it or not. Via a recording taken a month ago when my aunt had asked him what last message he wanted everyone to have.
"Grow your roots" he said. He spoke of the lilies of the valleys and how they neither toil nor spin and the father takes care of them. And they have roots, beneath the surface that no one sees. Only the lilly itself knows where its roots go. And we, as believers, are to grow our roots in Christ. And it is what we do under the surface, away from public eye. Just us and Jesus.
I *LOVE* that message, guys. Because I feel like with going to church and Bible study and whatever else not, we live a public growth life. We have epiphany moments in front of our friends and do a lot of great show and exhibition.
I mean, I'm not going to lie, I LIKE affirmation in my walk with the Lord. I LIKE it when people tell me they see Jesus in me.
But, my conviction is, I'm like the tree that has exposed roots. Ya know? The kind people trip over. I don't like that. Not at all. Because people have access to them and can hack at them and can damage me so easily. But, I want people to SEE my growth.
I think my big problem is that I confuse my roots and my fruits. People should see growth by the fruit that would come from my heart and not roots that came from my start.
Burry that stuff. Anyone who has pulled up a plant by the roots could tell you that the root system is messy and all over the place and a huge chaotic big tangle of a billion little stringy water sucker-uppers.
Growth is messy. But it's strong. The messier, the better. You gotta grow all over the place to find the water source and the nutrients. And that's GOOD. It's wonderful. It's the way it should be.
But that's not what people should SEE. Don't be trippin' people up with your roots. Being all like, "Oh yes.. I memorized the entire book of Proverbs today. What did YOU do?" I mean, if the scripture is so in your heart that it's like yeast in bread dough and causing things to rise up all out of your heart and get all over everything, share it. Splash it all over the place! That's great. But don't use it like a fly swatter to smack across people's faces and make them feel bad that they aren't "growing" as much as you or as attentive to their growth as you.
And honestly, I really like that your root system is only between you and God. People are mean. ..And that's an understatement. Some days I really like the idea of living in a hole. But I need people. I need people who love Jesus.
And I really need Jesus, because love is not my forte either. Nor is patience or kindness or goodness or gentleness or any other wedges of the fruit of the Spirit. *sigh*
Agh.. okay. That blog was probably more emotionally driven than it needed to be, but I'm not very sorry. I just needed to release a few thoughts that have been stirred around the last week.
Roots, guys. Grow them in your secret garden and let it be your one-on-one project with Jesus. No one else has to be there for it.
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