If you've been a believer in any of the recent years of Christian History, no doubt you have heard the song, "How He loves" by John-Mark Mcmillan. More than likely you might have thought it was David Crowder's song..but it's not.
So I ask you this question, How does He love? God that is. If you sing the song, "oh, how He loves us so..oh how He loves us..How he loves us all.." Do you know that answer? How does he love us?
I was thinking about that today and I couldn't help but remember how he has loved me with friends. So today's mushy Valentine post is about my friend-blessings. But we will only scratch the surface, barely.
It was not too many weeks into my sophomore year at the prestigious University of Iowa that the reality of my loneliness had me anxious to the point that sleep became elusive. (Sleep tends to be the first thing out the window, for me).
A lot of people don't believe me, but I really didn't have many friends. I had only made a handful of friends freshman year and they definitely weren't around for round 2. I had two guy friends, that was it.
Basically, it was awful. ( I mean, my 2 guy friends were great..but the lack of companionship there of was awful)
Since I couldn't sleep, (my roommate situation was miserable too, but that's a whole other story) and I didn't have any friends to console me, I would be up around 5am spending time with the Lord. Thank God He was there. I don't think I'll ever forget the day I broke down in tears and asked God if He would just give me one friend. I told him I didn't need a ton of friends.. just one. I'd be happy if I could just have a best friend. You see, I'd been asking for friendS (Plural) but that seemed like too tall of an order to fill...so...one. Just one. Please just one.
Oh, how He loves.
I started attending a connection group with the new college group I had started attending and there was some potential there. A month into school I was coming up on my 19 birthday and was dreading it with all of my being since I didn't have friends and was pretty sure it was going to come and go without anyone caring to notice.
We were standing in the kitchen of our connection group leader's apartment one fine Monday and some of the freshman girls were talking about how they worried their birthdays would be difficult because they wouldn't have their close friends around and they'd be away from home. I threw out that being a sophomore was equally as difficult since all my freshman "friends" were gone and I didn't have anyone for this coming year. "Well, when's your birthday?" My group leader asked. "Tomorrow," I replied.
"Then let's celebrate it! Wednesday after Salt. Do you like waffles?"
"Yes! Of course!"
"Well, invite all of your friends and we'll have a waffle party for you."
I was excited! Except for the part where I had to invite all of my friends. I was just embarrassed that I'd have no one to invite. Everyone in my connection group was invited by default, but I wouldn't have anyone else to bring.
The next day, whilst sitting in Burge by myself (of course) a fellow I used to not get along with in high school trooped by. In fact, we were like, enemies in high school. To say we didn't get along was kind of an understatement. But! I was hunting for "friends" to take to my waffle party. And I was in the mindset that if I could just convince an acquaintance to come, I could at least pass them off as a friend. They'd only have to pretend to be my friend for the night, anyways. His name was Reed. I flagged him down and asked after his freshman year and how it was going. I think he used the word "fantastic." He used words like that. Home-schooler, pastor's kid, all black clothes (including his shoes and socks)...long hair that he would flip out of his eyes... clearly I was beyond the point of desperate at this point. Feeling brave I asked if he had plans Wednesday night and he said he was going to Salt. I asked if he'd like to come to my waffle party for my birthday afterwards and he said, "sure! When's your birthday?" "umm...today.."
"Oh! Well happy birthday."
"Thanks! See you Wednesday?"
"Yep! I'll be there"
LOLOL.... God has the funniest sense of humor I think.
My waffle party went great. People came and we ate waffles. And I even got to blow out a candle. :) That was when I first felt loved by God that year. Because people who didn't really know me at all, bothered to care that I had been born in the first place. I was overwhelmed.
It didn't stop there, though. I'd like to say ahead of time that Reed was not the best friend I had asked for, but we became quite good friends. We started getting dinner together once a week and eventually went to brazil together.. and the friendship carried into more things and still holds to this day.
There was this girl in my connection group that year who came to my waffle party. She was just a little freshman who was cute and precious and struck me as a little bit timid. I randomly had this thought one day that maybe I should ask her if she'd like to get an apartment with me for next year. I was too scared to ask, because i didn't want to seem like a creep.. so I didn't. But she asked me!
Her name was Amanda. I didn't know anything about her, really, but she seemed sweet enough. I quickly responded saying, "Yes, we can be roommates." That was our only interaction outside of connection group.. we weren't friends, really, just acquaintances.
In the meantime, shortly after my birthday, I was doing my "Sitting-alone-without-friends" thing that I did really well, and a girl I had kind of known Freshman year (who was really more friends with my sister) happened to walk by and see me..sitting alone. Her name was Jessica. We chatted some and asked if I would be watching the football game that afternoon. "I don't have anyone to watch it with..or any where to watch it."
"I'm watching it with a friend in Daum later, You can join! Here's my number, you can text me and I'll give you directions."
Wah!! I got someone's phone number! That meant "Kind-of-friends" status! Jessica. What a gem. We somehow got to chatting about how no one seemed to be leading See-You-At-The-Pole that year. She decided she would lead it (because she's just confident-and-take-charge like that) and she asked if I might want to help in spreading the word. What?? Leadership opportunity? Heck yes!
We became friends. And also began getting dinner together weekly. In fact, somehow I managed to mix her and Reed into the same weekly lunch bunch thing. Two pastors kids, one baptist, one lutheran. One previously homeschooled, one thinking all homeschoolers were a little off... Things went down. Bibles were pulled out at almost every meal and Reed perfected this little point-with-his-whole-hand-while-making-a-point thing.
Friends. I had them, some how. The Lord was so faithful.
At the end of sophomore year, I accepted Jessica's invite to be a summer camp counselor at the camp she worked at and things were lined up for me to move into Amanda and I's new place in the fall.
I spent the summer without making friends, (Clearly it's not a talent of mine) And I spent my spare moments alone in my cabin..I even stopped going to church with the other counselors simply because church was for fellowship and that wasn't going to happen. Occasionally that summer, I got to see Jessica, and that was great. We were legit friends. (Thank you, Jesus.)
I ended that summer by attending a leader's retreat for the Salt Leaders. I knew my connection group leaders from the previous year but that was it. I was pretty closed off from my miserable summer without friends and didn't really have any motivation to make friends either. I decided I was destined to be a loner forever.
I got to this camp/retreat place thing and it was like arriving on campus freshman year. People tossing footballs and such about as a way to occupy themselves while feeling awkward about not really knowing people. There was a guy tossing a frisbee. I think, he was just tossing it up in the air with himself. He didn't seem all that interested in "Bonding" or making new friends either.
Perfect. I think I stood out in the yard and held my hands open to catch it and he threw it to me. I don't remember it too specifically..just that we tossed a frisbee back and forth without saying any words to each other for a while. Eventually I asked if he had a name. He said, "yep."
"Oh. That's nice." *toss frisbee*
"yep." *return frisbee*
"What is it?" *Throw frisbee*
"Brooks" *return frisbee*
"Like a little river?" *over throw frisbee*
*fetches frisbee, returns it* "Sure."
A man of few words and clearly un-interested in whether or not people took any interest in him. While, I thought it was insignificant, this frisbee tossing about with a stranger, I can only look back now and see how the Lord has planned it.
Junior year of college started and, while I still didn't have an especially big circle of friends, I had my small lunch bunch from last year PLUS a new roommate who seemed to have good potential for being a friend. I got really sick early on in the semester. H1N1 Swine flu is as miserable and awful as they built it up to be... and worse.
At one point I was sitting on the floor of our living room (we didn't have furniture) and I let myself cry a little, wondering when it would be over. Amanda came home and I tried to hide it. She right away asked if I was crying and I said "no." She walked up to me and was like, "Are you sure?" And I was like, "I've been coughing a lot and my eyes are watery.." She accepted that.. but not really. She gave me some throat numbing agent and some nyquil to help me feel better. I was completely caught off guard by the gesture. I wasn't used to anyone outside of my family caring if I wasn't feeling well. That was the start of a great friendship.
The first thing I noticed about her.. she shared her emotions. Poor girl. I didn't know what to do. She would sit on one side of the room and start crying and I'd sit completely motionless, not knowing how to respond. In my head I thought the wise response was to wait for her to stop so she could explain to me why she was crying all of the sudden. I mean.. were the tears because she was sad? or happy? or stressed? or upset? or hurt? ... i didn't know, and I figured she'd planned on telling me since she felt comfortable crying in the first place. Heh.. ya live and learn. I feel sorry for men because if *I* don't understand women emotions, as a woman, so basically..a man doesn't have a fighting chance.
Also, I found out that Amanda's level of emotion was normal. But she wasn't emotional so much as she was transparent. She just let people into the deep places of her heart and accepted that people could build her up and speak Truth into her life. Seeing as I was in TWO counseling classes that year, she became my secret experiment and I began to look forward to her opening up so I could try out a new technique I'd learned in class. (Like I said earlier, poor girl.) But she taught me a lot about emotional honesty and not faking being okay when you're not. How can people love you down to the broken places when you pretend they don't exist?
Anyways, it's too much emotion-y stuff to give the details, but after that year, we had gone through enough together that we were good friends by default..best friends. And that was the perfectly laid foundation for what came with senior year. And friends. More friends. Suddenly I was surrounded by more friends than I can count.
And I love you all. Each one of you means more to me than words could express and I care about you better than I can show. I don't think I could even write a book that would completely encompass how deeply I treasure every friendship I have. But just so you know, you, you mean the world to me.
Because bearing the title "Friend of Fern" does not stop there. It translates to being a vessel of God's love, a precious treasure, an answer to prayer, a blessing, a brother or sister in Christ, a special reward, a perfectly-made-perfectly-timed joy giving/life-giving essential entity that emanates Christ so unique in a way that only you could, and I love you. With all Christ's love, I do.
I hope you know that. I wrote this so you would know that. The rest of it cannot be said in words. Nor can it be said in any amount of baked goods, washed dishes, hugs, smiles, or anything physical. I can only hope and pray that somehow Christ reaches down and tells you for me.
So take a moment to be still for a bit. Just long enough for Jesus to deliver the message. It is my Valentine to you.
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