Perhaps I shall make some coffee.
There's a verse in the psalms that says "The Lord grants sleep to those he loves." I think about that quite a bit as I am often too anxious to sleep a full night. It's funny, too, because I don't consider myself to be anxious in general. I'm quite laid back and relaxed...at least I try to be.
No matter how I might fill my day and busy myself so that my mind is taken off of the things that stress me out, life always catches up with me at night time. It's seems my heart remembers things best at night time.
I think mostly it remembers moments of rejection however subtle or obvious they were. And I'm quite aware of the healing powers in forgiveness. I like to think I've quite forgiven any person or moments of any time I felt rejected, whether it was intended or not. I like to think I hold no hard feelings or harbor any bitterness. I think forgiving others is easy enough with the Lords help.
What I can't seem to grasp yet is how to forgive myself for being reject-able. I know this goes back to my battle of not being "good enough." Rest assured that I am quite aware that my Heavenly Father does not see me in that way. I know that I am loved. I know that He doesn't reject me, nor will he ever. I know I am precious, at least, to Him.
And then I ask myself, "since when do care about what any person thinks of me?" Since it hurt, that's when. If rejection didn't hurt, I don't think I'd care. And I know there's a point where following Jesus and trusting His truth will guard one's heart and prevent the sting of rejection from going too far. But Christ didn't say life wouldn't hurt if we followed Him and so I refuse to believe I'm in a wrong way for feeling a little broken.
I mean, I think I can see where caring too much of what other's think to the point where I'm thrusting the daggers into my heart on my own is a big problem, but it's the little whisperings into my heart, reminding me of when I wasn't good enough, that are getting me now.
And yes, I can recognize the voice of satan. I can recognize that me being worthy of rejection is not a truth from my savior. I feel a little like I am truly in a court room, where satan stands to accuse, providing evidence saying, "look at this time. Look here and here and here. The evidence stands to show that this is the case."
And Christ is at the right hand of God interceding on my behalf saying, "The evidence is what is seen, but I was there when I was unseen. For hope that is seen is not hope at all. Though, rejected, yes. You weren't by me, therefore I plea that you are not reject-able as it would be impossible for me to reject you."
And somehow, that's enough.
I wish knowing this made sleep a little easier. I wish knowing this would erase all the memories, the evidence, if you will. There is some shame in being rejected, as if it lowers your value somehow. Perhaps that is the trick to it. When we were "slaves to sin".. meaning before we become children of God, when we are yet ignorant of the Father's love, our value is based on how others view us. We are slaves and we have a price tag that shows the world how much we are worth. Really it's a toe tag. We don't realize this of course, I mean, we feel dead and we feel empty, but we figure it's because we have not done enough to raise our value. But Christ comes along and removes the toe tag/price tag and breathes life into our dead beings.
I like that.
I really love this song called, "Even Now" by this not-very-well-known bands called "Foolish Things." They broke up when I was in high school, but I wish people knew their songs more.
The last few lines of Even Now are, "The same old fear,the same old haze. Is God not here?
Is His hand raised?Could this be part of any good plan?Seems to be you've fallen out of His hand.When you're broken, don't know how to mend, Even Now.
When your tunnel's still dark at the end,Even Now.
His children don't know why but trust their Father's at their side. So hold His hand -hold up your hope, Even now."
It's basically about trusting God when you don't see Him. But I like that part about the same old fear and same old haze. I think it shall probably be the same old, same old until I die. Some days I hear only God's truth and some days I hear the lies. And I love that part about when the tunnel is still dark at the end. I'm out of my tunnel. I've been out for a while. But, there's a lot of darkness yet. Probably will be for a while more. Don't get me wrong, I have joy! So much! But, the rain clouds are lingering.
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