Currently I'm snuggled up in a blanket on the couch by the big window in the living room watching the rain continue to fall.
Looky! This doesn't even show the storm that already swept through here. Is it not beautiful?? I find it quite adventurous, this storm..or any storm in general. What joy!
And whilst the storm rages outside and I am safe and dry and warm... I find myself reflecting on how good God has been to me lately, in spite of who I am.
The last few weeks..perhaps a full month now, my heart has been through quite the storm of its own.
I am a people lover and a people pleaser and I can't even begin to describe how conflict and tension cause the greatest distress. I've found myself having to read my own blogs and remind myself of things I've already learned.
I once wrote a blog called "worth it" that described the battle we women face on not being "good enough" or "worth it" and whatever else the devil might wish to tell us about our value.
At the same time, I'm fighting those same lies even now. Being a people pleaser and having spent the last several miserable weeks not being able to please a couple few people..more than that, causing them to be frustrated and discouraged and stumble, I think I'm coming up to a moment of defeat. I fight it yet because I once heard, "When we are defeated it is because we have defeated ourselves. The enemy has no right to defeat us." And so I am hesitant to surrender to defeat just yet.
But I don't know the difference between humble surrender and cop out defeat. What is the point where I am allowing Christ to refine me and humble and remove what is wrong and impure in my heart, and the point where I am believing lies from Satan that need to be dispelled and ignored? It's quite a tricky dilemma and all I've concluded thus far is that no matter what battle it is that I'm facing, somewhere in this back and forth tug-of-war with my heart, I let my guard down and my heart is not as whole as it should be.
I think, yes, I need to surrender to the Lord telling me that I will never be able to fully please all people. And too, that I need to fight the lie of not being good enough when I can't fully please all people.
But, I'm too exhausted to fight any more. And it's not that my "above and beyond" efforts to please are failing... it's that my existence is failing. Who I am, how I act, my personality, my way of doing life, does not please all people. In fact, it frustrates some. I think this hurts me, but I don't know what to do about is as I don't know how exactly to apologize for being myself. And if I apologized, I would naturally need to show effort for change so as not to make the same offense twice. But as it is, I can't be sorry for existing and I can't change that fact either. *sigh* And that is why I'm losing this battle.
In the same moment, if it is jealousy that is causing one to be displeased in who I am, I feel guilty for being in a way that would incite jealousy. If that makes sense. I am quite sorry that I am a stumbling block. And I mean that in the most humblest of ways. But it breaks me on the inside.
But, I have a hope that, perhaps, somewhere in the future there shall be a garden of beautiful things that will come out of this nasty storm in my heart now. Flowers, hopefully. Unfortunately all I have to show right now is mud being brought out and washed over the crevasses of my heart.
I'm sorry, really. I don't know what else to be. I'm not sure what I am sorry for, other than that I can't be any more than I've been made to be. I'm not Jesus. I can't be Jesus to anybody no matter how hard I try. I will love with the love he gives me and I will serve with the joy he gives me and I speak with the words he gives me. But, you must know, I will only have those to give if I go to him to get it. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I come off as too forward. Sometimes, I'm a little too goofy. Sometimes I don't think before I talk. Sometimes I'm awkward. Sometimes I'm too much. And sometimes, I'm not enough. Sometimes, I'm not very loving or kind or selfless. I wish I was better at it. I wish I loved better and was more encouraging to others and more attentive to the needs of others. But I don't want to play the comparison game.
It breaks me that I am not more, and it breaks me that I am too much. But my Jesus has told me that I am his and that is all I'll ever need to be. I think I need to remind myself of that.. or have people remind me of that. Either way, I've concluded that the approval of people is overrated.
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