Brazil- A Lesson in Perseverance.

3/14/11 Monday

" What a day. Getting past the bugs and frogs and bats, it's nice here. Warm and sunny. The hard part is that I don't feel like I belong much with my team.= I feel strangely disconnected from things even though it is only the second day here. If I'm being honest.. I think I feel sad here. I am in Brazil! I am in Fortaleza Brazil and I'm not in love. I'm homesick. Home sick for my church. I'm homesick for the kind of Missions trip I was raised to do. One focused all on Jesus and getting things done. I'm homesick for organization. I can handle bugs and frogs and giant spiders and tarantulas.. But I can't take isolation or loneliness. " 


Monday was our first full day in Brazil. After breakfast, our team was split up and assigned to different jobs around the Lar. Myself and one of the guys were assigned to trim back the mango trees and such that were hanging over the houses and could fall and cause the tiles to break. Up until that point, I had never before experienced getting bitten by fire ants, but there were a lot in the branches we cleared. Annoying.. but part of the experience. After lunch I found myself with the the girls and one of my guy teammates outside the Lar at the front wall scraping it down in preparation for a fresh coat of whitewash. Manual labor has never bothered me. In fact, I enjoy a lot. It's quite soothing and it gave me a sense of purpose. There is satisfaction in a job well done. I enjoyed working next to the kids as they helped us scraped down the wall as well. It was great. 

The Entire wall had to be scraped down by hand 

The kids were a great help in working on this wall

The length of the wall that had to be hand scraped. 

Looking back on the trip.. the disconnection came from just being on a missions trip that was shaped entirely different from how I have always done missions trips. The missions trips I've been on, the work gets done first, everyone works together, everyone encourages each other and works together to make the work fun. After the work gets done, build relationships with the people there. It's always been so well balanced and structured. For this trip, it was more casual. Get the work done if you feel like it.. work on it if you feel like it.. build relationships with the kids if you feel like it.. help your teammates do the work if you feel like it. 
It was different. Not wrong.. just different. It was really good for me because I had to motivate myself to do work and to work with my teammates in the midst of feeling disconnected. I think my biggest take away from that was that there will for sure be times in the future where I will be on a team where there may not be a great sense of unity and there may not be a great deal of motivation to accomplish the things that need to get done and I am called to react to those situations in a godly manner. 


While working at the wall I can very vividly remember the verse where Paul says to "press on towards the goal" popping into my mind. I thought about what it means to press on. It doesn't mean that you keep on going the same pace and having the same cheerful attitude. It means that there will be tough situations where it requires more than your usual pace. It requires you pushing into it.. pressing into it. Press on.. push through it, struggle through it, work your way through it. And not by yourself either.. with Christ you press on. Christ is the only one strong enough to really conquer the difficult moments. 
It's not like scraping down a wall was difficult or playing with the kids was difficult.. but feeling almost distant from God was difficult. I found myself wondering.. why did God call me here if His spirit is not with me? It was so I would learn. Learn to be like Christ in all situations. God was very much with me and testing my willingness to follow Him to places outside of my comfort zone. As I have had time to process through things.. the big question that still burns on my mind is.. did I pass the test?


I don't think it's a pass or fail test though. God does not fail us when we are tested in that way. I have found, though, that I feel like I fail myself. I don't feel like I should have been stretched the way I was. By that I mean, I feel like I failed because it was more difficult for me than you'd think it should have been.  I keep asking myself.. in all my faith and trusting in Jesus and my heart for orphans and doing the work of Jesus.. what did I do wrong, or what did I fail to do that I wasn't prepared for what I felt in Brazil? I felt that if I was really trusting Jesus than I would just be filled with joy through the whole thing. I didn't have joy and so I felt guilty that perhaps I wasn't trusting Jesus or that I was doing something wrong. 
It has been a week and a half since I returned from Brazil and I am still contemplating and processing why it was so stretching for me. What I feel most strongly is that it is not a bad thing that I was stretched. Obviously.. stretching by the Holy Spirit is a very good thing. I am humbled by it all but I look forward to what fruit may come from the seeds planting in me through the stretching. 

James 1:2-4 

  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Brazil - Just a Bit of a Stretch

**Brazil cannot be summed up in one single post and so I think I shall share about it day by day and say what I felt God was teaching me through it. **


3/11/11 Sunday


"Well, coming to the end of our very first day in Brazil. We arrived here in Fortaleza tired and a little bit jet legged. We were greeted in the airport by Paige Anderson, the missionary that runs this orphanage. The first thing I remember her saying was 'Are you guys tired? Well get over it right now.' And that's just how Paige is. She's very energetic and cheery. After the airport we were whisked away for a brief lunch and then Paige took us to the orphanage. This proves to be far more of a stretch for me than I thought. I don't know what I pictured about Brazil.. epic vacation maybe?.. but this is crazy. Our house has also introduced us to our roommates of large cockroaches, frogs, geckos, and wasps. :| Today during church, a bat flew in and landed on a fan above some girls. While the girls squirmed some, everything went on as normal.
 The children here were rescued from prostitution, crime and other unfortunate circumstances. I wonder at what God will teach me in these coming days."


The above is an entry from my prayer journal. A brief look into my first 8 hours in Fortaleza. I could tell from the beginning that the trip was going to stretch me in ways that I had not expected. To be honest.. I tried to think back on what I had expected and I couldn't come up with anything really clear. I had not expected much of anything. I just hadn't expected bugs and poisonous critters or any sort of danger at all. I have been on many missions trips with my church back home and I don't think there was ever a time that I felt unsafe. Even when staying in a church right in the middle of inner-city KC where people had been murdered a couple blocks over.. I felt safe. When sharing my faith with drug addicts and ex convicts on the streets of Omaha, I felt safe.  I Like to feel safe. But, our first evening in Brazil we were warned of Dangy Fever and other diseases carried by bugs of which we needed to take caution. That was a bit of a trusting adventure because I had no bug spray and I was for sure getting eaten alive. 
Truly there was no reason to really fear getting sick or bitten by something poisonous.. but I didn't really care for the idea either. That Sunday also started our dependence on bottled water for the week as well. We used it for drinking, brushing our teeth, flushing our eyes and occasionally cleaning dirt out of a wound if one so desired. It was right from the get-go that I realized that I was in for an adventure and that God had some major work to do on my heart. 


You know, you always hear about fortunate Americans going on a mission trip to some impoverished place and commenting "They didn't have much, but they were happy." Well, in my own little heart of hearts I've always thought.. of course. I would just expect that because God gives joy in all circumstances and thats not really a lesson I would need to learn myself. 
That first night at church the kids were just all over the place excited about anything and were so into the worship songs and you could just see joy in them. Being exhausted from all the travels I mostly found myself staring in wonder at how much they enjoyed being in church. Even more so, I wondered at how I was not over come with joy myself. Joy is something that tends to be contagious and overwhelming. I thought to myself, "Perhaps it is just because I am tired that I feel kind of out of place." 
And don't get me wrong.. I enjoyed those kids very much. I loved how they didn't know me but would climb into my lap and play with my hair and hug me and want me to sit by them after the short few minutes of knowing of my existence. It was awesome! But, for some strange reason I felt disconnected to it all. A lot like I was watching and not really apart of what I was seeing. 

Just another spider.. 

One of my roommates. 

My teammate, Victoria, and I shared this room.

This is the house our team stayed in while we were there.
For the children, there are about 15 kids in a house with one house mom.

What you see when you walk into the house.
The kitchen and living room area. Our house was not furnished.

The door front door. As you can see, the windows in our house
are just some clay star things that let in a breeze from outside.
The windows also served as the perfect places for wasps to build their nests.

The Miracle Behind the Visas

1 Samuel 14

  One day Jonathan son of Saul said to his young armor-bearer, “Come, let’s go over to the Philistine outpost on the other side.” But he did not tell his father.  Saul was staying on the outskirts of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree in Migron. With him were about six hundred men,  among whom was Ahijah, who was wearing an ephod. He was a son of Ichabod’s brother Ahitub son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the LORD’s priest in Shiloh. No one was aware that Jonathan had left.
  On each side of the pass that Jonathan intended to cross to reach the Philistine outpost was a cliff; one was called Bozez and the other Seneh. One cliff stood to the north toward Mikmash, the other to the south toward Geba.
  Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, “Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the LORD will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few.”
 “Do all that you have in mind,” his armor-bearer said. “Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.”
 Jonathan said, “Come on, then; we will cross over toward them and let them see us If they say to us, ‘Wait there until we come to you,’ we will stay where we are and not go up to them.  But if they say, ‘Come up to us,’ we will climb up, because that will be our sign that the LORD has given them into our hands.”
  So both of them showed themselves to the Philistine outpost. “Look!” said the Philistines. “The Hebrews are crawling out of the holes they were hiding in.” ¹² The men of the outpost shouted to Jonathan and his armor-bearer, “Come up to us and we’ll teach you a lesson.”
   So Jonathan said to his armor-bearer, “Climb up after me; the LORD has given them into the hand of Israel.”
  Jonathan climbed up, using his hands and feet, with his armor-bearer right behind him. The Philistines fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer followed and killed behind him.  

My last blog explained the story of the Visas from my point of view. After hearing the inside story from Jeff.. I am much excited to share it with everyone else! So here it goes.


**This is my own memory of the story and so not all the details will be included nor will it all be word for word**


We'll start with a quick review of the story. On Tuesday before we were to leave we received back all 7 passports saying the Visas were denied. Wednesday Jeff drove to Chicago and did everything he could but was told it was impossible. It would take 3 business days and he could have the visas by Monday.  Our flights were for saturday but Jeff went with that option anyways. Thursday he couldn't get flights changed so it was Saturday or May.  
Friday morning Clint Robinson (one of the other staff guys from Veritas) had been watching the visas status online and there were four boxes that needed to be checked off and the last box says "ready for pick up." Clint called Jeff and says "I've been watching these boxes and the first three are checked and I've been praying and I'd like to think that i have faith in God that he can do this and I'm thinking about just jumping in the car and driving to Chicago again."
Jeff's response was "Great. Pick me up." 
Clint "Ok. I'm two minutes away from your house." 


So they started the 4 hour drive to Chicago at 9:30 in the morning. At the consulate there is a policy that Visas can only be picked up between 11am and 1pm.  Jeff was dropped off at the consulate at 1:10pm and quickly went up to the 18th floor to see that the windows are dark and there's a curtain drawn over the visa place. He tried the door and found it to be unlocked and so he went in and came from behind the curtain where he saw two women speaking Portuguese. When they saw him one of the women began to yell at him saying "what are you doing here?? You can't be here? We're closed.. visas pickups ended at 1pm..etc etc"
 Jeff apologizes and kind of explains the situation and the lady told him "well, come back at 2:30 and i'm not even guaranteeing that someone will talk to you, but just come back at 2:30."
So Jeff leaves and kills some time and at 2:30 Clint and him return to the consulate. This time, the windows are dark, the curtains are drawn, and the door is locked. But they noticed an intercom on the wall next to them and they pushed the button. Then two men came walking down the hallway and asks "have you been helped yet?" and Jeff says "no" right when the intercom comes on and says "how may I help you?" and so the guy who had come down the hall answers the intercom and says "never mind" and then goes into a side door and disappears. Jeff and Clint were left to stand in the hall way for a little bit. 
After 10 or 15 minutes go by the hit the intercom again and a man's voice comes on and says "what do you want?" 
Clint replies "Hi, my names Jeff Thune. I'm here about visas and someone told us to come back at 2:30"
The man came out to the hallway and asked them "who told you to come back?"
Jeff described her as being blonde and with short hair.
The man said "hold on a sec" and he went back in. He came back with a younger blonde lady and says "is this her?" and Jeff says "No, that's not her."
The man then said "Well sir, there are three ladies that work in this office and this is the only blonde."
So then the man thought Jeff was lying. Jeff apologized and said "Sir, I'm going to be honest.. our visas aren't even supposed to be ready until Monday but our flight leaves on Saturday and we couldn't get anything switched and I was just wondering if anything could be done."
The man was like "No, there is nothing."
Jeff and the man (Chester) then had a brief conversation about how Jeff should go about getting the passports returned to them since we would have to reapply for visas in May. 
The man was like "Well, let me see your receipt" 
Jeff handed him the receipt that had all the visas listed and the man's response was
"Oh! seven!? You have SEVEN visas?? I don't even know how you got THIS far because the 3 day policy is only good for 2 visas or less. It should have taken you 9 business days to have these processed."
After a little talking Chester says "well.. here.. are you going to be in Chicago for a few hours?"
Jeff-"we can be."
Chester-"ok, well, the lady who does these comes back at 3 and so I'll try this one last thing for you and i'll call you in 45 minutes if it works out. If you don't hear from me.. it didn't work out... you know what.. how about I just call you regardless. I'll call you no matter what"

Jeff and Clint then found themselves in a Starbucks close by with Jeff's phone on the table between them. To add to the drama.. Jeff's phone battery is almost dead and they're watching it slowly drain. 45 minutes go by.. an hour.. and... *ring* 
"Jeff, this is Chester. Are you still in Chicago?"
"Yes we are"
"ok.. I have all seven passports ready to go."
*Jeff and Clint being super excited*
Chester-"Calm down! Calm Down! I'll be here until 5:30 and you can pick them up anytime"


After some time praying, Jeff and Clint went to pick up the visas. Chester had some last words for Jeff. "Sir, I do not know you. But, you guys must have really good souls because I have worked here for a long time and I have never in my life seen this happen. We have policies and we have them for a reason. Here are your visas, congratulations"


And that is what happens when people pray with the kinda faith that can move a mountain. Even if the mountain is in the form of the Brazilian consulate. 


My thanks to everyone who was praying for this trip. We are all very much aware that it was only through prayer that we got our visas in time and it was by the grace of God that we went to Brazil. 

Nothing Short of a Miracle

Matthew 19:26 

 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”


On Wednesday, my pastor who is leading the trip to Brazil woke up early and drove to Chicago at 4:30 in the morning to see if he could work things out at the consulate. He texted us telling us to pray for a miracle and so I spent half an hour in prayer that God would send us one. After a couple of hours of him talking to different people and trying to work things out in every possible way that he knew how he was told, "I'm sorry, sir. That is impossible. There is no way we can have your visas processed by your flights on Saturday but for sure we could get them to you by Monday." 


Our team met on Wednesday night to weigh our options. Monday would mean cutting the trip shorter and we might have to split the team up and take different flights. By the end of the meeting, it was looking like a Brazil trip in May was our best option. I left the meeting feeling slightly disappointed but in all honesty..I was okay with all of it. I love going home. I love being home. Not going to Brazil just meant I got to go home, not what i had anticipated, but not a bad alternative either. :) 


Anyways, we were encouraged to keep praying for a miracle because it would be a miracle that would take us to Brazil. We had until Friday to cancel our flights and so we were gonna remain optimistic and hold out for God to send us a miracle. 


Thursday (48 hours from scheduled flight) Jeff texted us to tell us that there were no flights for Monday and so we could look forward to a trip in may. We still had one day to cancel our Saturday flights and so we were going to wait for the last possible moment. 


Friday at 12:30 (28 hours from scheduled flight) Jeff and another Veritas staff member drove again to chicago.  The text read "He guys Clint and I are on our way to Chicago believing that perhaps if we walk into the Brazilian Consulate and ask for our visas (that aren't supposed to be processed until Monday) that God will make it happen. Pray for that. If it doesn't happen, we just know that God wants us in Brazil in May :) What a wild ride!" 


I felt this to be quite a step of faith and I wasn't sure what to think  would happen. I hadn't bothered to pack or prepare at all because there was a 90% chance I was spending my spring break at home in good ol' North West Iowa. 
The next few hours were filled waiting. My friend and I had already planned on leaving Iowa City at 5:30 to go home and I was looking forward to seeing my family again. 


4:08 pm (25 hours, 37 minutes from scheduled flight) Text from Jeff "Guys-we leave tomorrow. God is amazing!!! Pack and be at the veritas/salt offices by 10:30" 


AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The next few hours were filled with packing and PTLing and just completely in awe of God. 


And that brings us to now. 8 hours, 25 minutes away from our first flight. My bags are packed, my room is clean and I am SO excited for this adventure!! 

Matthew 21:19-21 

Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
  When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. “How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” they asked.
 Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done

Pardon me, but I think we're missing something..

"Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”

 ¹⁴ The LORD turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”

 ¹⁵ “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”

 ¹⁶ The LORD answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.”- Judges 6:13-16

I love this story! It makes me think about how often in my own life I catch myself thinking, "God did miracles back in the Bible times... but where is he now? And what is He even doing?" This is not to say that I don't trust God.. I do!! But more often than not it is easy to think that God has changed His way of doing things. This thought, of course, is absurd in the highest degree! GOD DOESN'T CHANGE! Even back in BIBLE TIMES people like Gideon were thinking that God was changing His way of doing things and had moved on from doing miracles. Not so much. God did quite a few different miracles before Gideon's eyes and Gideon worshiped God. 

Now, why is it that even though God speaks to us.. we ask Him to prove Himself?  The fact that I have joy in difficult situations.. that is totally evidence of God!  When things are hopelessly lost and we pray that God will show us where to look and we find them.. that's total evidence of God. When the sun rises or sets and casts epic wonderful colors all across the sky... that's total evidence of God. And the list goes on. God does things before our very eyes and we are amazed... until we forget about it. And then we sit there and ask God where He is and why He's not doing anything.  

You know, we are all constantly asking God, "where were you when..?" "Why weren't you there when...?" "Why did you let... happen?"

I have come to wonder if God is asking us the same questions like, "why weren't you looking when I healed that sick person?" "Where were when..?" "Why weren't you there when..?" Like.. where is your heart? If your heart is far from God... then how are you supposed to know when God is doing stuff. Where was your heart when God reached down and stopped that car from smashing into yours? Where was your heart when God reached out and kept your foot from slipping? Where was your heart when God painted you an epic sunset? Where was your heart when God caused the weather to be warmer than is considered normal for winter? Why weren't you thankful when...?

Yes.. it would be so easy to guilt ourselves into thinking about how much we've failed at noticing God or realizing His presence. But so often we are overshadowed by discouragement and we just honestly can't seem to see God no matter how hard we look for Him. God is not disappointed in you for this. God does not hold you guilty for this. What He really wants you to know about that is that He still really loves you a lot. When you can't see Him.. He sees you and He is SO proud of you! He is just crazy in love with you and wants to spend every moment with you! 

if the LORD had not been on our side
   when people attacked us, 

 they would have swallowed us alive
   when their anger flared against us;
 the flood would have engulfed us,
   the torrent would have swept over us,
 the raging waters
   would have swept us away -Psalm 124:2-5

God is always there for you, even in the storm..how else do you think you could have survived it?

So... if God is doing miracles and pulling us out of sticky situations and difficult times.. where is our faith? We pray as if God has better things to do with His time. Like "Dear God, uhmm.. it would be really nice if you let ____ happen." 

:/ I find myself doing this right now. Ya see.. my self and a couple 6 other people are planning on flying to Brazil on Saturday to spend a week serving at an orphanage in Fortaleza. In my heart I know that God can do ANY thing and nothing is impossible for Him. But, I'm looking at my worldly time span.. It's Tuesday.. that is 4 days from scheduled flight. The visas and passports are not yet in our hands.. WHAT AM I THINKING! God can do a LOT in 4 days! Heck.. God can do a lot in a couple of seconds! I think of the story in Matthew 14 where Peter was walking on water and all the sudden he chickened out. It says "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” -Matt. 14:31

That is a good question, why do we doubt? Why do we have so little faith even after we've seen God do great things over and over and over? Because we are humans and we are ALWAYS under attack by our enemy. Christ tells us over and over and over to stand firm. To stay on our guard and to be aware that our battle is not against flesh and blood but "Against rulers, against authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms"-Eph. 612

So, when in doubt, trust Jesus. Sounds kinda silly.. but it's true. God knows exactly what He is doing all the time and we needs only to be still and Trust Him with our everything. AND! The bestest part is that we get to experience the joy of letting Him surprise us with His answer to our prayers. While His response may not always be the one we first imagined was the best thing we could get.. we always get an answer that turns out to be way better than our shallow minds could imagine. But while we wait.. we trust. And while we trust, we have joy. What is not in *our* hands are in God hands. Which is a good place for them to be. 

Comprehensions of Joy

Psalm 40

  I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

First things first, a special thanks to everyone who went out of their way to offer encouragement and advise after my last post.  :) I am happy to report that I have since passed through that valley and am back to climbing mountains. 

I have had quite a few thoughts over the past few weeks about the way God works. Because, while it is normal and expected for everyone to go through trials and challenging times, i feel like my time in the pit was a little more intense than "normal." Granted, who is to say what "normal" is.. but at the same time, I've been discouraged, and I dare say I was a little bit more than discouraged. I think it would be fair to admit that I was on the edge of depression. And I really hate to admit that I would ever be that close to the line... but that's what it was. 

In general, I would like to call myself a bit of a dare devil. I like to push things to the edge, go to the line and not quite cross the line. As far as discouragement goes, I have told myself "Let's not do that again." 

Now that I am back to  more joyful season in life I have been looking back at what all could have happened that I would reach such a low point. Shortly after my last blog I found myself in a Starbucks with a great friend and our Bibles open seeking Truth. We came across this passage in Galatians 5 that jumped off the page. 

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?  That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.  “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.” I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty."- Galatians 5:7-10

It was was quite a moment of revelation. I think I was most discouraged by the fact that I had let myself be defeated, more than that..I had defeated myself because the enemy has no right to defeat us. But, thank goodness Jesus is there to intercede for us and cut in on the enemy.  In my search for joy while I swimming in discouragement, I was reminded of a list of verses that my mom made me memorize before I left home. It is a compilation of verses that state your true identity as a follower of Christ. One of the passages has the heading "I have been Redeemed and Forgiven of all my sins" I was looking at it and I decided to see it in context and I really enjoy the verses around the passage in the list and so I shall share with you what I have found: and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:12-14

I think after all the verses that I felt were not sinking in and not offering any encouragement..Christ broke through and now everything I read is like soothing cream on a painful wound. Really wonderful and twice as encouraging as the last thing I read.  I really like how this says that the Father has qualified us to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. Because that totally blows up the lie that we are not good enough people to be baring the name of Christ. I have often felt disqualified by my actions or lack of faith. But that is me disqualifying myself because God has already qualified me. AND!  we're qualified to share in the inheritance. We're qualified to be in the kingdom of light. And, on top of all that... he came to our rescue and pulled us out of darkness and into the kingdom of his Son. SO much wonderful happenings going on in that Truth passage.  One of the most wonderful things I think I have taken away from Perspectives class so far is the idea of the kingdom. The way they explained it is there are two circles side by side. On one circle is kingdom of light that is filled with all sorts of truths about us like how we are loved, important, precious, etc. And the other circle is the kingdom of darkness that is filled with lies about who we are. Lies like, we are not loved, we are not important, failure, etc. And sometimes, the dark circle comes over and darkens our view and creates an eclipse.  We are in darkness by the lies we believe, but the glory of God can always be seen and it pushes out the darkness. I think it adds a whole new perspective to the words in the song How He Loves because it says "When all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me" 

That's totally true. Yeah, being in darkness was NOT fun at all. But, I got to see God's glory come from behind the darkness and push it away. :) 

Oh I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

contemplations of joy

February! Wow.. I cannot tell you how many blogs I have drafted over the last month. I started quite a few and then changed my mind on whether to post them.  Then I would be inspired again and then discouraged again. I guess you could say that has been the theme of my entire last month. Discouragement. I have not been filled with joy like I was last semester. Last semester (after a really rough start) I found myself bubbling over with the glorious joy that Peter talks about. 
This new semester... not so much. I'm not even sure why. I'm in a SUPER AWESOME Bible class called Perspectives that is wonderful encouraging. I've read one or two great devotion books already this year (I usually start but not finish). I read my Bible, I pray, I go to church and Bible study and prayer time and I have Christian friends and bloddy bloddy blah. It's not really making any difference in my life. As discouraging as life often is, I usually bounce back in a week or two.. but this has dragged on. Never mind that I'm going to be going to a whole other COUNTRY in month to tell children about Jesus! (THAT'S EXCITING!) I still don't have joy. 


I feel like I have spent the last few weeks in a cloud or a dream or some vague thing. I'm quite exhausted.. mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. It's not a very fun feeling. Drifting along.. I feel like I have absolutely zero purpose. Which is a really super awful feeling because I'm a Christian. Christians are supposed to have purpose, right? They're supposed to tell the world about Jesus and be happy and glorify God and be a good example and know what's up and have joy in the midst of life. So that just makes me feel like uber fail because i don't have joy. I don't have purpose. 


A couple days ago I watched a one-man play called "the Bema" for the second time. It's about this guy who is taken to heaven when Jesus comes back and he gets to see how he wasted his life living the American Dream rather than investing in eternity. K.. so the concept has been pounded into my head since I was a child. "store up your treasures in heaven.." Gah. I have Jesus in my heart. I know Jesus loves me.. I mean.. I think I know Jesus loves me. But For the last bunch of weeks.. I have felt completely worthless in life. Not only as a person.. but as a Christian. And all the thoughts were driven deeper in after watching The Bema again. I don't feel like I've made any impact on eternity or am making any impact on eternity. I honestly can't imagine a worse feeling than being spiritually worthless. It's not like I haven't tried either. There was youth group and Bridges and cru and Salt and non-Christian friends, and Christian friends and family and whatever else not. But what have I done with the things God has placed in my life? As I've been thinking on it.. I'm pretty sure all of those things that I have been in would have and will continue to thrive with or without me. In fact.. I'm not entirely sure that I'm not a hinderance to others. Like.. maybe perhaps I'm being detrimental to the spiritual growth of my friends and/or ministries in which I'm involved. As I have realized.. the state of one's spiritual life has the most positive or negative impact on the people around them.  


And!!! I've also heard again and again and again that God doesn't need you. If you say 'no' to His calling then.. whatevs.. He'll just call someone else. Well  that's a wonderful way to get your self-concept off the floor. Sure God loves you.. but he doesn't need you. Why the heck did He make me then? Was the whole entire reason for my existence so that I would grow up and MAYBE serve God IF I CHOOSE (because of free will) but it's not a big deal if i do or not cuz God will use other people. And what of the hand full of people I helped "lead to Christ"? I was there.. I shared with them.. but no big. God woulda used someone else if I wasn't there. Siiiiigh. 


To drive it all in a little more.. Perspectives last night was another pill to swallow. The speaker went on and on and on about how we don't treasure Jesus, we're not passionate for Jesus, we're not sharing a real Gospel.. on and on. It wasn't exactly a great feeling to hear that HOW i lead the handfull of people to Christ that I did was wrong. And now those few people are going to be like the seeds sown among the rocks or the thorns because they're weren't planted well. 


So what can I do about it? I listen to the Christian music. The one's that are supposed to make you feel good no matter what.. ya know? 
I opened my Bible to try to find even the tiniest bit of encouragement and I found myself looking at the hall of faith in Hebrews. By faith all these people did things that seemed crazy to the world but God rewarded them. And it was accredited to them as righteousness. Faith. I feel like that's something I don't have right now. How many times have I come to this low point in my life where I feel like I have no faith? Too many! And it's because of this familiar spot on my path that I feel like I've just been walking in circles for a long time. I've been here before. Again and again and again. And every time I look at the Bible verses about faith. 




Hebrews 11:1
 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see


Romans 1:17
For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”


James 1:3
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.


Romans 12:3
 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.


 It's almost a routine now.. I know exactly where to look in my Bible, too. What page. What color highlighter is on the page. What note is written on the side of the page next to the verse. So how do I make it sink in? The verses are familiar.. does that mean I've built up an immunity to encouraging verses? Or encouragement at all? It's quite discouraging to know that even having all the "right" answers. Or knowing all the "right" steps to take to crawling outta the pit that you have somehow found yourself in again.. you can't. No matter how deep or shallow a pit I fall in.. I'm helpless. And I've prayed. I've been praying. I still pray. But... I'm still stuck. So what am I doing wrong? Am I not trusting enough? Am I not being faithful enough? Am I not serving enough? 
I thought all Christ-followers were supposed to feel like they had purpose and value and joy. But I wonder about myself. It's not like I don't love Jesus. I do. A lot. But I don't have joy. And I don't feel like I have value. And I don't feel like I have purpose. 

Philippians 2

Imitating Christ’s Humility

 ¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.