" What a day. Getting past the bugs and frogs and bats, it's nice here. Warm and sunny. The hard part is that I don't feel like I belong much with my team.= I feel strangely disconnected from things even though it is only the second day here. If I'm being honest.. I think I feel sad here. I am in Brazil! I am in Fortaleza Brazil and I'm not in love. I'm homesick. Home sick for my church. I'm homesick for the kind of Missions trip I was raised to do. One focused all on Jesus and getting things done. I'm homesick for organization. I can handle bugs and frogs and giant spiders and tarantulas.. But I can't take isolation or loneliness. "
Monday was our first full day in Brazil. After breakfast, our team was split up and assigned to different jobs around the Lar. Myself and one of the guys were assigned to trim back the mango trees and such that were hanging over the houses and could fall and cause the tiles to break. Up until that point, I had never before experienced getting bitten by fire ants, but there were a lot in the branches we cleared. Annoying.. but part of the experience. After lunch I found myself with the the girls and one of my guy teammates outside the Lar at the front wall scraping it down in preparation for a fresh coat of whitewash. Manual labor has never bothered me. In fact, I enjoy a lot. It's quite soothing and it gave me a sense of purpose. There is satisfaction in a job well done. I enjoyed working next to the kids as they helped us scraped down the wall as well. It was great.
 |
| The Entire wall had to be scraped down by hand |
 |
| The kids were a great help in working on this wall |
 |
| The length of the wall that had to be hand scraped. |
Looking back on the trip.. the disconnection came from just being on a missions trip that was shaped entirely different from how I have always done missions trips. The missions trips I've been on, the work gets done first, everyone works together, everyone encourages each other and works together to make the work fun. After the work gets done, build relationships with the people there. It's always been so well balanced and structured. For this trip, it was more casual. Get the work done if you feel like it.. work on it if you feel like it.. build relationships with the kids if you feel like it.. help your teammates do the work if you feel like it.
It was different. Not wrong.. just different. It was really good for me because I had to motivate myself to do work and to work with my teammates in the midst of feeling disconnected. I think my biggest take away from that was that there will for sure be times in the future where I will be on a team where there may not be a great sense of unity and there may not be a great deal of motivation to accomplish the things that need to get done and I am called to react to those situations in a godly manner.
While working at the wall I can very vividly remember the verse where Paul says to "press on towards the goal" popping into my mind. I thought about what it means to press on. It doesn't mean that you keep on going the same pace and having the same cheerful attitude. It means that there will be tough situations where it requires more than your usual pace. It requires you pushing into it.. pressing into it. Press on.. push through it, struggle through it, work your way through it. And not by yourself either.. with Christ you press on. Christ is the only one strong enough to really conquer the difficult moments.
It's not like scraping down a wall was difficult or playing with the kids was difficult.. but feeling almost distant from God was difficult. I found myself wondering.. why did God call me here if His spirit is not with me? It was so I would learn. Learn to be like Christ in all situations. God was very much with me and testing my willingness to follow Him to places outside of my comfort zone. As I have had time to process through things.. the big question that still burns on my mind is.. did I pass the test?
I don't think it's a pass or fail test though. God does not fail us when we are tested in that way. I have found, though, that I feel like I fail myself. I don't feel like I should have been stretched the way I was. By that I mean, I feel like I failed because it was more difficult for me than you'd think it should have been. I keep asking myself.. in all my faith and trusting in Jesus and my heart for orphans and doing the work of Jesus.. what did I do wrong, or what did I fail to do that I wasn't prepared for what I felt in Brazil? I felt that if I was really trusting Jesus than I would just be filled with joy through the whole thing. I didn't have joy and so I felt guilty that perhaps I wasn't trusting Jesus or that I was doing something wrong.
It has been a week and a half since I returned from Brazil and I am still contemplating and processing why it was so stretching for me. What I feel most strongly is that it is not a bad thing that I was stretched. Obviously.. stretching by the Holy Spirit is a very good thing. I am humbled by it all but I look forward to what fruit may come from the seeds planting in me through the stretching.
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment