This new semester... not so much. I'm not even sure why. I'm in a SUPER AWESOME Bible class called Perspectives that is wonderful encouraging. I've read one or two great devotion books already this year (I usually start but not finish). I read my Bible, I pray, I go to church and Bible study and prayer time and I have Christian friends and bloddy bloddy blah. It's not really making any difference in my life. As discouraging as life often is, I usually bounce back in a week or two.. but this has dragged on. Never mind that I'm going to be going to a whole other COUNTRY in month to tell children about Jesus! (THAT'S EXCITING!) I still don't have joy.
I feel like I have spent the last few weeks in a cloud or a dream or some vague thing. I'm quite exhausted.. mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. It's not a very fun feeling. Drifting along.. I feel like I have absolutely zero purpose. Which is a really super awful feeling because I'm a Christian. Christians are supposed to have purpose, right? They're supposed to tell the world about Jesus and be happy and glorify God and be a good example and know what's up and have joy in the midst of life. So that just makes me feel like uber fail because i don't have joy. I don't have purpose.
A couple days ago I watched a one-man play called "the Bema" for the second time. It's about this guy who is taken to heaven when Jesus comes back and he gets to see how he wasted his life living the American Dream rather than investing in eternity. K.. so the concept has been pounded into my head since I was a child. "store up your treasures in heaven.." Gah. I have Jesus in my heart. I know Jesus loves me.. I mean.. I think I know Jesus loves me. But For the last bunch of weeks.. I have felt completely worthless in life. Not only as a person.. but as a Christian. And all the thoughts were driven deeper in after watching The Bema again. I don't feel like I've made any impact on eternity or am making any impact on eternity. I honestly can't imagine a worse feeling than being spiritually worthless. It's not like I haven't tried either. There was youth group and Bridges and cru and Salt and non-Christian friends, and Christian friends and family and whatever else not. But what have I done with the things God has placed in my life? As I've been thinking on it.. I'm pretty sure all of those things that I have been in would have and will continue to thrive with or without me. In fact.. I'm not entirely sure that I'm not a hinderance to others. Like.. maybe perhaps I'm being detrimental to the spiritual growth of my friends and/or ministries in which I'm involved. As I have realized.. the state of one's spiritual life has the most positive or negative impact on the people around them.
And!!! I've also heard again and again and again that God doesn't need you. If you say 'no' to His calling then.. whatevs.. He'll just call someone else. Well that's a wonderful way to get your self-concept off the floor. Sure God loves you.. but he doesn't need you. Why the heck did He make me then? Was the whole entire reason for my existence so that I would grow up and MAYBE serve God IF I CHOOSE (because of free will) but it's not a big deal if i do or not cuz God will use other people. And what of the hand full of people I helped "lead to Christ"? I was there.. I shared with them.. but no big. God woulda used someone else if I wasn't there. Siiiiigh.
To drive it all in a little more.. Perspectives last night was another pill to swallow. The speaker went on and on and on about how we don't treasure Jesus, we're not passionate for Jesus, we're not sharing a real Gospel.. on and on. It wasn't exactly a great feeling to hear that HOW i lead the handfull of people to Christ that I did was wrong. And now those few people are going to be like the seeds sown among the rocks or the thorns because they're weren't planted well.
So what can I do about it? I listen to the Christian music. The one's that are supposed to make you feel good no matter what.. ya know?
I opened my Bible to try to find even the tiniest bit of encouragement and I found myself looking at the hall of faith in Hebrews. By faith all these people did things that seemed crazy to the world but God rewarded them. And it was accredited to them as righteousness. Faith. I feel like that's something I don't have right now. How many times have I come to this low point in my life where I feel like I have no faith? Too many! And it's because of this familiar spot on my path that I feel like I've just been walking in circles for a long time. I've been here before. Again and again and again. And every time I look at the Bible verses about faith.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see
Romans 1:17
For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”
James 1:3
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Romans 12:3
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
It's almost a routine now.. I know exactly where to look in my Bible, too. What page. What color highlighter is on the page. What note is written on the side of the page next to the verse. So how do I make it sink in? The verses are familiar.. does that mean I've built up an immunity to encouraging verses? Or encouragement at all? It's quite discouraging to know that even having all the "right" answers. Or knowing all the "right" steps to take to crawling outta the pit that you have somehow found yourself in again.. you can't. No matter how deep or shallow a pit I fall in.. I'm helpless. And I've prayed. I've been praying. I still pray. But... I'm still stuck. So what am I doing wrong? Am I not trusting enough? Am I not being faithful enough? Am I not serving enough?
I thought all Christ-followers were supposed to feel like they had purpose and value and joy. But I wonder about myself. It's not like I don't love Jesus. I do. A lot. But I don't have joy. And I don't feel like I have value. And I don't feel like I have purpose.
Hey, Fernie! Thanks for your honest openness. Been there, done that...many times. Who was your perspectives speaker at that last class? We had a guy that was so good. Something he said really hit me - God designed man with purpose from the beginning of creation!..and we are included in that. He created man to be in a relationship with Him- one so full of love that we can't help but be passionate about it (my words, not the speaker's - but the thoughts i remember from what he said). Then we will naturally (actually superanaturally) shine His light to the world. Speaker said the prophets of the OT would look at us and be amazed that we actually have the Holy Spirit living in us...that great and holy power they prayed for- and we say, oh, no big deal. I was touched/convicted/inspired/etc.
ReplyDeleteBut....I say...if you are exhausted right now...God wants to give you rest. AND...this whole faith and joy thing is not something we rate by our emotions about it. I know you know that. so, just wanted to tell you that. The speaker told us about a webblog he and buddies have that have videos of God at work - many are college students...http://rememberreality.blogspot.com/
love you ;)
betty e
A very wise woman once told me that in our relationship with Christ, just as in our relationships with friends, we need to base our actions on what is true, not on what we feel.
ReplyDeleteI was just talking with a friend last week about how easy it is to lose our ability to feel -- joy, pain, happiness, sorrow. Only in brokenness do we find joy, because true joy comes from salvation. Crazy how that works, huh?? I'm right there with you these days, praying for the joy of His salvation and the brokenness that inevitably comes with it.