The LORD does interesting things to get our attention. Creativity is one of His beautiful qualities. He’s also funny. For real, no one tickles my heart quite so much as my Heavenly Father.
I cannot deny that I briefly doubted God’s plan when I was first plopped where I was plopped. Having been very involved in ministry and constantly poured into and constantly pouring out, with my faith always challenged and my straight up NEED for the Lord’s presence always being in my life, I was quite skeptical of where I landed.
Too blessed to know what to do. Which, I shouldn’t complain about, of course. I all the sudden had no more bills to pay, no rent moneys to eke out, no groceries to buy and no gas to ration. Trying to stretch 3 meals instead of two out of a 68cent can of black beans was no longer my worry. Getting enough hours of work to make rent for the month was no longer on my mind. Drinking extra coffee in the morning to curb any hunger pangs before work because I’d run out of eggs for breakfast was no longer necessary. I had my own room with my own big bed..so big I still keep to the far edge of the bed.. not really knowing what to do with the extra space.
Blessed as I was with my humans and church and freedom and independence, I’d quite forgotten the stress of making ends meet in my time of absolute provision. I can do MULTIPLE loads of laundry in one week if I need to, and not have to spread my clothes all over the floor in my bedroom to dry, just to save quarters on drying (since it wont actually get dry anyways).
Canned corn was on sale for 39cents at the grocery store yesterday. I was reminded of my current state of blessing as my mom suggested I start working on stocking my future cupboards as my time of care-free existence is wrapping itself up for Christmas.
I do look forward to returning to the independent life. But I cannot deny that I have very much enjoyed all the many nights of sleep I have gotten over the last few months as I had no worries to keep me up.
I have been blessed to learn new skills while being out here too! After 5 months, I can drive a stick-shift, mend fence, put a halter on a cow, carry a 50lb bag of feed across the farm without stumbling, skillfully use an impact driver without destroying the screw head, administer antibiotics to sick calves, dig potatoes without halving them with the shovel, and many valuable office skills picked up from having been freely offered a part time job as secretary.
I felt so displaced, though. Because I all the sudden had SO much and not much opportunity to serve or pour out as I was used to. I was most used to relying so much on the Lord to provide that as I had everything so handed to me, I didn’t feel as challenged to seek him for help as much. Besides, I wasn’t in any Bible study or fellowship that would challenge me to get in The Word either.
Except I had friends. Friends who loved Jesus and lived far away. But they were on the other side of a social media screen and they would send verses and worship songs and share what the Lord was doing in their own lives. I would get clips of Mennonite hymn sings and comments on what one had heard in church that day.
Friends, one of the very best blessings you can EVER give to anybody is to abide in Christ. Because as you do that, you grow the fruit of the Spirit in your life and all those around you get to taste and see that the Lord is good. And my friends did just that. I was most loved to have them pouring into my heart from far away.
Funny, though, the Lord didn’t have my attention as much as He should have. As much as I appreciated my friends constantly telling me to “Look! God is still working in your life. You need let the Lord do His thing.” Yes, of course. The Lord will do His thing whether my heart is cooperative about it. So, as if I had imagined the Lord was busy doing big important things else where and keeping tabs on me from a distance, I fell into a comfortable rhythm of not reading my Bible as often…and by “not as often” I mean: rarely. I wrote in my quiet time journal even less than that and I considered His hand in my life barely present.
Besides disliking my great ability to lack patience when it came to instructing my younger siblings in being diligent and thorough in the chores I had assigned them, I didn’t much notice how my lack of pursuing the Lord might affect anyone but myself.
Selfish. I mean, I’ve probably always been selfish. The Lord has graciously given me the awareness of other humans since I have come to be in a relationship with him. But I am still naturally selfish and if I’m not abiding in Christ, its worse than ever.
Withdrawn, also. Withdrawn and selfish would be a fair assessment of my heart as of late.
I have a few humans that have made my heart to feel so valued and loved in the past months and I have quite come to a point where I only want to share my heart with those few. Which is selfish, obviously, since there have been many other humans who have shared their hearts with me. Who would like, still, to share their hearts with me.
More than that, the creator of the WHOLE UNIVERSE wants to share His heart with me and wants me to share my heart with Him. I tend to retract a little bit when I feel that it was someone’s specific fault when I’ve gotten hurt. And since it was God who directed my steps to being where I was, obviously it was His whole fault and my very best defense was to avoid Him a bit until I got over it.
Hahaha…. Perhaps I’m the funny one. I’d like to tell you I’ve tried that trick before and learnt it didn’t work and, being the clever girl that I am, know quite better than to repeat such a silly notion. Ha. Hahaha.. I’m sure the Lord is quite entertained by me. Perhaps He loves so much to be funny because He finds us funny more often than not. “You make me laugh, Dear Child. Now it is my turn. I can play your game just as well.”
“If you, Dear Child, should like so much to be selfish like you are, I shall work it out just right so some epic mess comes of nothing in particular. And it shall be worse than Hamster Huey and the Gooey Ka-Blewy”
I chuckle. Well, I didn’t at first, of course. I usually greet all stresses and conflicts with tears and panic. But that’s usually because I’m so darn selfish I fail to see that God is moving things around to keep things interesting. To re-gain my attention. To get me to surrender more of my heart. To be the hero in my life and show up and say, “Do you need me now?” And when I step back and realize that My Love is simply fighting for my heart, AGAIN.. STILL, ALWAYS… I can only feel loved.
“Let’s try this again, My Precious. Keep your eyes on me and do not doubt. Don’t look at the waves and the winds and the storm around you. Do not panic, do not worry. The Lake doesn’t have to be frozen for you to walk on top of it.”
The Lord is such a gallant hero. He has captured my heart yet again. There is no blessing so great as a trial that causes you to fix your eyes fully on the face of the one who loves you so well that there aren’t even words to describe it. Should we with ink the ocean fill and were the sky of parchment made. If every stone on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade. To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry and nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky.
I know not any artist who can make a disaster so beautiful. I know of no human who can communicate love by allowing brokenness. I cannot even comprehend all the tiniest details that go into making conflict a gift of healing. But I am so very thankful for it and look forward to all the many beautiful disasters the Lord should like to show me. However, I hope that my adventures would come more from my eyes constantly being fixed on Him and not out of The Lord’s need to catch my attentions yet again.
I would like to say I learned my lesson, but I think if there is anything I’ve learned is that I cannot learn. The Lord somehow loves pursuing me so much that he designed my heart to learn some lessons better than others. But He shall chase after me my whole life. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand, sometimes He will carry me. Sometimes I’ll let go and He’ll stay close at hand, but always He will be there. And He’ll do all it takes to remind me where He is and how much He should like to love my heart. And I shall fall madly in love with Him again and again and again.
I cannot deny that I briefly doubted God’s plan when I was first plopped where I was plopped. Having been very involved in ministry and constantly poured into and constantly pouring out, with my faith always challenged and my straight up NEED for the Lord’s presence always being in my life, I was quite skeptical of where I landed.
Too blessed to know what to do. Which, I shouldn’t complain about, of course. I all the sudden had no more bills to pay, no rent moneys to eke out, no groceries to buy and no gas to ration. Trying to stretch 3 meals instead of two out of a 68cent can of black beans was no longer my worry. Getting enough hours of work to make rent for the month was no longer on my mind. Drinking extra coffee in the morning to curb any hunger pangs before work because I’d run out of eggs for breakfast was no longer necessary. I had my own room with my own big bed..so big I still keep to the far edge of the bed.. not really knowing what to do with the extra space.
Blessed as I was with my humans and church and freedom and independence, I’d quite forgotten the stress of making ends meet in my time of absolute provision. I can do MULTIPLE loads of laundry in one week if I need to, and not have to spread my clothes all over the floor in my bedroom to dry, just to save quarters on drying (since it wont actually get dry anyways).
Canned corn was on sale for 39cents at the grocery store yesterday. I was reminded of my current state of blessing as my mom suggested I start working on stocking my future cupboards as my time of care-free existence is wrapping itself up for Christmas.
I do look forward to returning to the independent life. But I cannot deny that I have very much enjoyed all the many nights of sleep I have gotten over the last few months as I had no worries to keep me up.
I have been blessed to learn new skills while being out here too! After 5 months, I can drive a stick-shift, mend fence, put a halter on a cow, carry a 50lb bag of feed across the farm without stumbling, skillfully use an impact driver without destroying the screw head, administer antibiotics to sick calves, dig potatoes without halving them with the shovel, and many valuable office skills picked up from having been freely offered a part time job as secretary.
I felt so displaced, though. Because I all the sudden had SO much and not much opportunity to serve or pour out as I was used to. I was most used to relying so much on the Lord to provide that as I had everything so handed to me, I didn’t feel as challenged to seek him for help as much. Besides, I wasn’t in any Bible study or fellowship that would challenge me to get in The Word either.
Except I had friends. Friends who loved Jesus and lived far away. But they were on the other side of a social media screen and they would send verses and worship songs and share what the Lord was doing in their own lives. I would get clips of Mennonite hymn sings and comments on what one had heard in church that day.
Friends, one of the very best blessings you can EVER give to anybody is to abide in Christ. Because as you do that, you grow the fruit of the Spirit in your life and all those around you get to taste and see that the Lord is good. And my friends did just that. I was most loved to have them pouring into my heart from far away.
Funny, though, the Lord didn’t have my attention as much as He should have. As much as I appreciated my friends constantly telling me to “Look! God is still working in your life. You need let the Lord do His thing.” Yes, of course. The Lord will do His thing whether my heart is cooperative about it. So, as if I had imagined the Lord was busy doing big important things else where and keeping tabs on me from a distance, I fell into a comfortable rhythm of not reading my Bible as often…and by “not as often” I mean: rarely. I wrote in my quiet time journal even less than that and I considered His hand in my life barely present.
Besides disliking my great ability to lack patience when it came to instructing my younger siblings in being diligent and thorough in the chores I had assigned them, I didn’t much notice how my lack of pursuing the Lord might affect anyone but myself.
Selfish. I mean, I’ve probably always been selfish. The Lord has graciously given me the awareness of other humans since I have come to be in a relationship with him. But I am still naturally selfish and if I’m not abiding in Christ, its worse than ever.
Withdrawn, also. Withdrawn and selfish would be a fair assessment of my heart as of late.
I have a few humans that have made my heart to feel so valued and loved in the past months and I have quite come to a point where I only want to share my heart with those few. Which is selfish, obviously, since there have been many other humans who have shared their hearts with me. Who would like, still, to share their hearts with me.
More than that, the creator of the WHOLE UNIVERSE wants to share His heart with me and wants me to share my heart with Him. I tend to retract a little bit when I feel that it was someone’s specific fault when I’ve gotten hurt. And since it was God who directed my steps to being where I was, obviously it was His whole fault and my very best defense was to avoid Him a bit until I got over it.
Hahaha…. Perhaps I’m the funny one. I’d like to tell you I’ve tried that trick before and learnt it didn’t work and, being the clever girl that I am, know quite better than to repeat such a silly notion. Ha. Hahaha.. I’m sure the Lord is quite entertained by me. Perhaps He loves so much to be funny because He finds us funny more often than not. “You make me laugh, Dear Child. Now it is my turn. I can play your game just as well.”
“If you, Dear Child, should like so much to be selfish like you are, I shall work it out just right so some epic mess comes of nothing in particular. And it shall be worse than Hamster Huey and the Gooey Ka-Blewy”
I chuckle. Well, I didn’t at first, of course. I usually greet all stresses and conflicts with tears and panic. But that’s usually because I’m so darn selfish I fail to see that God is moving things around to keep things interesting. To re-gain my attention. To get me to surrender more of my heart. To be the hero in my life and show up and say, “Do you need me now?” And when I step back and realize that My Love is simply fighting for my heart, AGAIN.. STILL, ALWAYS… I can only feel loved.
“Let’s try this again, My Precious. Keep your eyes on me and do not doubt. Don’t look at the waves and the winds and the storm around you. Do not panic, do not worry. The Lake doesn’t have to be frozen for you to walk on top of it.”
The Lord is such a gallant hero. He has captured my heart yet again. There is no blessing so great as a trial that causes you to fix your eyes fully on the face of the one who loves you so well that there aren’t even words to describe it. Should we with ink the ocean fill and were the sky of parchment made. If every stone on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade. To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry and nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky.
I know not any artist who can make a disaster so beautiful. I know of no human who can communicate love by allowing brokenness. I cannot even comprehend all the tiniest details that go into making conflict a gift of healing. But I am so very thankful for it and look forward to all the many beautiful disasters the Lord should like to show me. However, I hope that my adventures would come more from my eyes constantly being fixed on Him and not out of The Lord’s need to catch my attentions yet again.
I would like to say I learned my lesson, but I think if there is anything I’ve learned is that I cannot learn. The Lord somehow loves pursuing me so much that he designed my heart to learn some lessons better than others. But He shall chase after me my whole life. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand, sometimes He will carry me. Sometimes I’ll let go and He’ll stay close at hand, but always He will be there. And He’ll do all it takes to remind me where He is and how much He should like to love my heart. And I shall fall madly in love with Him again and again and again.
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