My Heart's Desire

I was just reading over some of my posts from when I first started blogging and was reminded what it was that motivated me to blog in the first place.
Honestly, it was because I was so incredibly in love with Jesus and felt so loved by God that I could not be silent about it. 
It is not that I have changed all that much, I still do very much love the Lord and feel the love of God. The thing of it is, I'm in a different season of life now than I was then and so things just look different. Not as good a "good different" as I would like either. 


When I started blogging I was at a point where I literally had nothing but my relationship with God to keep going. Every time I sat down to eat I wanted to read my Bible as well. If the sun was shining, I wanted to read my Bible outside. If it was raining, I wanted to read my Bible with a cup of hot coffee by a window. When I wasn't reading my Bible, I was writing out prayers in my journal and constantly aware of God's presence and constantly going back to be filled by him. 


Yes, I was very full. I had some desires (one in particular), earthly desires, that made me feel a little empty, but at the same time I knew the value of trusting God's plan and I knew in my heart that if I simply trusted and obeyed, He would give me the desires of my heart. I was constantly taking my desires before God and surrendering to Him and asking Him to fulfill them or take them away. I remembering surrendering on a daily basis. I would surrender one day and feel satisfied and the next day I would be in want again and return to my Father and surrender again. I remember how I could so easily hear God's voice and have pleasant conversations with Him. And when I would become discouraged and overcome with hopelessness (That happened sometimes) God would simply say, "Trust me, Fern. I love you." 


There were a lot of moments in that time of my life where I would ask God, "why?" I would ask why I had no friends, why people made it so hard to switch college ministries, why there was so much animosity between college ministries, why did I want earthly relationships when I should only be satisfied with God, why why why... I had no answer for any of it. But God would always respond, "Because I love you."


Sometimes..most times, I didn't understand how my circumstances were the way they were because I was loved. I didn't see how getting put with a roommate who left the lights on til 4 or 5am when I woke up at 6 translated into being loved. But I remember feeling like I was loved even though my circumstances were really rough. 


During that time I stumbled upon this passage:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
² When you pass through the waters, 
    I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, 
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze. 
³ For I am the Lord your God, 
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; 
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead. 
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life. ~Isaiah 43: 1B-4


It gave me so much hope to know that there was a plan at the end of my difficult times. And I know that if my circumstances had not been so difficult as they were, I would not have needed to put my hope in God and I would not have had that time where I was so very much in love with His goodness. 
If I had not been with out friends I would not have put so much effort into the friends I have now, whom I love very much.  Especially now, I can look back at that difficult time and go back to reading Isaiah 43 and see what things God was doing when I was crying into my pillow and begging for mercy. 
Isaiah 43 continues later saying


"You are my witnesses, ” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
   and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
  nor will there be one after me.  
I, even I, am the Lord, 
  and apart from me there is no savior. 
I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
-  I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses, ” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
 Yes, and from ancient days I am he. 
No one can deliver out of my hand
When I act, who can reverse it?” (Isaiah 43:10-13)


Even now as I type this I was thinking, "Yeah God, what exactly were you doing?" But at the same time, reading the above passage God's just speaking to my heart saying, "So you could tell people about me! Because I love you! And because I chose you. So you would trust me. So you could know my power and hear my voice. So that, you, Fern, would know who I am."


I feel so loved by that. I feel loved because God chose me to go through some hard times so that He could carry me through that. That God picked me out of a billion people to have a time where earthly things did not satisfy, and more than that, caused my heart to break and be empty. It was almost as if I was standing in a crowd and God tapped on my shoulder and whispered, "Hey, come with me, I want to show you something." And the two of us went on an adventure. Me and The Heavenly Father. It was special, it was a little difficult, but I was free-falling into the arms of Jesus. 


. At the time, I wasn't desiring bad things, what I was desiring was a good thing and it was a battle because I had it in my mind that if it was good, then God would give it to me. I needed to learn to let him be my satisfaction completely. Learn I did. Well, I learned that I am filled when I let Him be my satisfaction. And I learned that he can satisfy me when things are really hard. And since that time, well, times have still been rough.  I've been a little distant, even, and my hard times were less battles of the world and more fighting against emptiness and confusion as I was not surrendering to my Father everyday and being filled. I have not yet learned how to always let him satisfy me when He gives me the good things I desires because I get so distracted by the good things. Things.. worldly things. Temporary things. But things God gave me all the same. 


My hard times since then have been the times I tried to let the good things become god things. The times when I rearrange the priorities of my life and take God out of the middle and place other things there instead. If my life were a wheel, God would be the center part that all the spokes need to attach to. And I feel like sometimes I take Him out of the center and try to put my favorite spoke there instead. Of course that doesn't work and I don't get too far before my wheel begins to warp and bend out of shape because the support that should be there isn't. And everyone knows you can't get too far with a wheel that's out of shape. 


Siiigh. The hard part is, is that this is a lesson that you have to learn and relearn. God goes in the middle. God needs to be central. And then we try something else and learn it again. And again. 
One thing I love is sitting with older believers and hear them recount all the times they relearned that. And how they relearn it a little less often than when they first started out. I love to hear how they learned it and how they manage to learn it less. I hope someday my faith becomes so cement solid that I don't ever have to think twice about who goes at the center of my life. 


And that is my desire. To love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to keep Him dead central in my life. And from there, I desire to be a woman of godly character whose worth is far greater than rubies. That's what I want more than anything else in the world.