Who is God

If I have learned anything about myself in the last month, having all this extra time on my hands, it is that I am very much an internal processor. It takes me days to reach a conclusion on any deep question or internal conflict or struggle. 

I am, too, a very spontaneous person and very much an extrovert. So, it is good that my I am not totally occupied in my time because not thinking about things is my best mechanism for ignoring anything that might weigh me down. 

Months ago I began the inner struggle of not knowing who I am. I probably could be more proactive about figuring it out, but it's not an answer I want to find too quickly on account I like to think I'm, at least, vaguely complex. But a lot of new questions have come up in the process of thinking through the first one. One's like, "what is my purpose in life?" "Does my life truly matter?" "Am I actually a beneficial presence to those around me?" "What in my life do I need to work on improving" Etc. Etc. Etc. So many questions.

A couple of days ago, my little internal world was rocked (more than I care to admit) when something I have too much of my identity wrapped up in was challenged as making me to come across as someone I'd never want to be. (I'll keep it vague for now since I'm still in processing stage). I've forgone full nights of sleep since then, or even nights of sleep at all. 

There are a lot of pieces to it, but since I've already been wrestling through my own identity, the words hit a vulnerable place, forcing me to make some head-way on my search for answers. 

I've gone back to reciting the "Identity in Christ" verses out loud the last few days. Usually 3 or 4 times in a row, just to make sure I can recite them all and understand what I'm saying. Today I realized that I was still missing a vital piece of knowledge. 

I'm trying my hardest not to make any conclusions based on my emotions or how I feel and so reciting the "facts" or "Truth" about my identity in Christ has been helpful. But I realized that, honestly, I don't know who God is. And my identity IN Christ means nothing if I don't, first, have at least a small answer to that. 

Perhaps I should re-word that. It's not that I don't know who God is, exactly, but sometimes I don't know who He is to me. If I lose sight of that, I lose sight of everything. I could easily recite that God is love, God is good, God is everything. But that's general. I don't want a general relationship with God. 

I've spent the better half of my morning searching through the scriptures and praying and asking the Lord for some insight, since He seems to have more power to get to me than I have strength to get to Him. 

Then I googled my question. "Who is God." I had to do a lot of scrolling before I found something that looked substantial and not some world's opinion on who He might be. I honestly don't care what people SAY He is.. I want Him to tell me who He is. Suddenly I feel like Peter.

Perhaps answering that question in our hearts is the most important decision we will ever make in our lives. I think it is, anyways. And you won't just answer it once. You will answer it every day. And I think, too, it becomes more important everyday that you choose to answer it. I know it was important when it first changed your life, but the more you live your life for God, the more your decision will be challenged and the harder it will be to come to terms with how you answer that. 

Truly, it is easy to say that God is love when life is good. But when you are broken and you are asked, "Who is God?" to say 'God is love' is not as easy. Which begs the question, if you must hesitate, do you really know who it is that you call Lord? Do you really know who it is that you are asking for a favor or cursing for your broken life? Can you honestly say, without doubt, you know who God is?
Or to say, "God is always there"... can you always say that? I mean, I don't want to be challenging truth, but think about it. In the deepest, darkest moments of life, you don't honestly want to say, "This is God's way of loving me."  ....You can't honestly say that unless you comprehend how He loves and you cannot begin to comprehend how He loves unless you comprehend who He is.

I have realized that, even though the curtain was torn when Christ suffered on the cross, I still tend to hind behind what is left of it. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be a priest in the temple in the instance that thing came down because all of the sudden, God was in the same room. Not behind a curtain...but, there. Fully exposed. And we, fully exposed as well. It is not God hiding his glory from us, but us hiding from His glory. 

I have begun to realize that I am rather afraid of who He truly is. Because, when I know who He is, truly, my identity will change. It would be a good change, but an uncomfortable change, probably. Because, currently, my identity is wrapped up in my journey THUS FAR and not my journey TO COME. I feel as though my life struggles and how I cope with them is kind of what makes me who I am, but, they aren't. How God redeems me is what makes me who I am. But I have yet to comprehend that fully. 

As a girl, my greatest struggle has been "I am too much" and "I'm not worth it." Those two lies reside beneath my armor, like a previously broken bone that flares up in pain when the weather changes. I don't know a single female that doesn't ever have this struggle. An insecurity woven into the fabric of our nature by the curse that came with the fall. "Her desire will be for her husband and she will constantly wonder if she is overwhelming or too much and then she will think she is not worth it or not valuable or good enough.." Well, I'm not totally sure if that's the exact nature of the curse.. but it makes sense. 

But, this morning, as I was trying to get some answers, I had this thought. I know pastors are constantly telling us to search our hearts and work things out, but what if, actually, we're not supposed to. What if it's not our jobs to look internally at ourselves and see where we need to change? Did not David, the man after God's own heart, write in the Psalms 139 how the Lord has searched us and knows us better than ourselves? Did he not write, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts"? So maybe it is that we should leave that job to the Lord. Because, I can find a lot of things wrong with myself when I do the searching and I can find a lot of reasons why I am not worthy of being in the presence of the Lord and a lot of reasons why I am not good enough and not worth it. 

But, it is written in the Word before I was even formed of why I AM good enough or Worth it. Because Jesus. 

I've heard it said, "it's not what your running from, it's who you're running to." You can't hope to search your own heart and conclude anything significant with out looking to the Lord for the conclusion. But then comes the struggle that I find myself battling, "If you keep God at a safe distance, He will be safe.. and distant." 

I ask the Lord who He was today, and this is what He said, 

"I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight."Jer.9:24

And He is more. He is so much more. Which makes me worth more than I will ever comprehend because He has set His seal of ownership on me, He has rescued me and He loves me.