Did I ever tell you about the time that my roommate suggested I put some peanut butter or chocolate into my oatmeal to make it choke-down-able? What a novel idea! I mean... I guess that's a normal thing people do, I think. At least, she gave me the impression that it was normal. It had never crossed my mind before that you were allowed to take something "healthy" and put "unhealthy" things into it and get away with it.
I think in my mind, I struggle with it being okay, but I'm quite thankful that I've finally found a way to reconcile the fact that I own oatmeal and need to eat it before purchasing any other items.
I had a great conversation with the Lord last night. I realized, I quite struggle with being motivated to pray any more. Not because I don't think God hears me... but because He does. The last time I prayed my heart out for something I was convinced was right and perfect and exactly what I needed, He graciously answered and blessed me with it.
But it didn't go how I had imagined and I ended up more broken than anything. And now I'm too afraid to ask for anything because, obviously, I don't know what's good for me or what I need... so rather than ask for anything or tell the Lord what's on my heart, I kinda just like the idea of Him calling the shots and me not getting my hopes up.
But, last night the verse "They had sample their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord" was being spoken to me louder than I cared to listen and it was frustrating. The verse comes from Joshua...I think. It's when the Israelites are wandering around or about to go to war? Or they're running out of food? Obviously, I don't know it that well.. that's how I know it was the Lord speaking to me.. because it's incomprehensible that'd I'd randomly think up a line to a verse from some obscure passage I don't really know.
Either way, the point of that line, (I think) is to remind us that even though God knows our wants and our needs, He still wants us to ask. Make an effort and talk with Him. Let Him know we're struggling. Ya know? But, if He already KNOWS and is loving and all that, doesn't that mean He'll just act and plan and do everything for our good anyways?
Maybe. But I think we miss out when we don't ask. I know the Lord will always do what is good for us no matter what because He cannot be any different than loving and gracious. But I think He has much in store that He holds off giving until we ask.
But my struggle is, for the immense amount of joy that came from asking and receiving, I don't even know if I believe it was worth the brokenness that came later. And I'm afraid now, that if I ask for something I want, the Lord might actually say 'Yes' and then I'll find out I didn't actually want that. In my humanness and naive self I'll explain to the Lord why it would be good for me to have it and I'll list off a bunch of good reasons like any child making a strong point with a parent would do and then I'll wait and hope and then I might receive and find out that it was meant to break me of my strong will and show me that I don't know myself as well as He does.
But I've already learned that. I'm well aware that I don't know what I truly want or what I truly need. Which is why I've resigned myself to not even asking anymore. Well, it's not like I don't pray AT ALL. I do. I talk to the Lord, obviously. We hash things out together.
But perhaps it's a trust thing. I'm not sure if it's me not trusting myself, or me not trusting God. I'm pretty sure I trust God. For the most part. But, like I said, when I asked and received, I think I trusted that God would act in ways that would keep me safe and unbroken. I think I trusted that God would not give me something that would implode my heart. But He did.
I suppose the answer is because the world is broken and even the blessing to be received are far deteriorated from what they should have been. I suppose everything is pre-blemished and a little bit spoiled. I mean.. I want to say that. But that sounds so cynical. So pessimistic. I don't honestly believe that the Lord can't help that what He gives has been spoiled by sin. He controls everything. He can give us whatever He wants in whatever form He wants.
Gah. Being human makes Christianity difficult. I wish I just knew God better. So I could comprehend life better and be more satisfied and grateful. I'm way too worldly, I think.
But, I mean, I'm a work in progress. Slow progress, of course.. but progress.
First of all, I love you, Fern.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, this reminds me of something. John and I are looking to move. We think it's time (for real this time!) and we think it will be to Minnesota or Iowa or Wisconsin. Multiple people who don't know us have said there is promotion coming, and we know we are called to be successful in business in order to give a lot. So we are believing for the best option God has for us, being patient, trying not to pick too low from the tree of opportunity. Specifically job-wise, we are looking at positions more or less out of reach. Like God would have to be at least somewhat involved for John to get one of these. We just have to put our best into the resume and interview and then leave it up to God. And if we don't get something, we know God wants something else for us. We don't even know what city we want to be in... There are so, so many options. And now for my point, I told our dearest mutual friend Rachel about a job in Cedar Rapids John interviewed for, and she said she would be praying. When I read that, I thought: There we go. Now we have done everything we can. We are submitting to God and requesting often that He open and shut doors as He wants, plus Rachel is praying that God would have His way also. I cannot imagine anything standing in the way of what God wants in this situation, now that we have asked. So if John doesn't get this job, God probably didn't want him to have it... takes all the disappointment and striving out of it. :)
And who knows what community and work he wants us to be a part of... It could be something far more challenging than we would pick for ourselves. But whatever He thinks is best truly is best. It is almost always more about the process than the result.