I love The Civil Wars. They are by far one of my all time favorite music bands/duos ever. Their music is just wonderful! (Too bad the broke up due to conflict, but maybe someday they'll make up and get back together one day.)
They're not necessarily "Christian" song-writers, although, Joy Williams used to write Christian stuff, but their lyrics tend to be good and I haven't heard anything I'd flag as inappropriate.
Anyways..so the song that I'm currently super obsessed with is "From This Valley" because it rather speaks to my heart.
Oh the dessert longs for a river
That will run down to the sea
Like my heart longs for an ocean
To wash down over me
Oh won't you take me from this valley
to that mountain high above
Oh I will pray pray pray til I see your smiling face
I will pray pray pray to the one that I love
...There's more, obviously, but you should just listen to it yourself.
My heart... it needs an ocean. It really really does. Thank you, to those who have been contacting me since the last post, it really means so much to me. Honestly, you guys are wonderful. Your encouragement is exactly what I need as I attempt to stumble my way through the dark back to walking with the Lord again. (I'm walking towards the Lord, currently..)
I'm a zombie right now. We went over the story of Lazarus in church this morning. Another story I've heard a thousand and 6 times in my life. But the part that caught me today was at the end of verse 44 in John 11 where Jesus says, "Unbind him, and let him free." You know.. when he comes out of the tomb looking like a zombie all wrapped up in burial clothes. Me and Lazzy, we have a lot and common.
We both were friends with Jesus, we both walked closely with Him, we both got sick, died, basically and needed Jesus to come by and tell us to come out of the tomb.. because we don't belong there.
But I'm not *out*. I'm the part where Jesus showed up and is like busting through the crowd and yelling, "come out!" But not in anger or furry or even in a "Look-at-me-I'm-powerful" kinda way. It's more like a gentle and loving, "hey... you can come on out of there now. It's not for you."
So... I'm still all wrapped up, can't see, can't really walk... but it's better than the cave, I suppose. At least my heart is starting to beat again. It'll just take a little recovery time.
I don't know actually, heart healing is timeless, It's a work of God, who is outside of time.. that is why we can never know how soon or how long before our hearts are put back together. He likes to add precious details while he's gotten your heart all taken apart on His worktable. Which is why we can never instruct God in what our heart will need in order for it to be fixed.. we couldn't ever even begin to comprehend the complexity of how we are made or how we are fixed or detailed or grown or even loved.
In the recent days whilst reflecting on my heart and if I even loved God any more...(which I concluded "Not really") I've heard another not-really-christian song playing in my head.
It's a Jason Mraz song that goes:
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even when the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
I imagine that God was singing that little bit to me, and it rather broke my heart a little. Yeah, of course He's just gonna keep waiting for me patiently no matter what stupid roads I decide to take. Ugh.. I'm so dumb sometimes.
No, no.. I could never not love God. Deep deep deep down.. underneath the rubble of my faith, I am anchored to my God, My Rock in whom I take shelter. I will always, always, love God, even when I look at my heart and not personally see it. Because it's not God that I'm struggling to love...exactly, it's the people in my life that weigh me down.
But I'm not stupid, either. I *know* that I only love God as much as the person I like the least. So when I look up, and do a little self evaluation and can honestly say, "Yes, Lord, I think I hate that person." or "Yes, I am bitter, I am angry, I am totally unwilling open my heart in this area" that's when I KNOW that my heart is incredibly sick and infected and I have no right in the world to say that I love God.
I'm not going to lie to myself and think it's okay to strongly dislike someone and love God at the same time. Of course not. So, basically I just resigned to letting myself be bitter, disliking people, disliking me, and not loving God. I've hated that, though. My heart feels like it's coated in 20lbs of concrete.
And I've only been letting God touch it in the last week or so and it's such a battle of trying to run towards God whilst feeling so heavy and unworthy and broken.
It's depressing is what it is. But, I mean, any place absent of God is depressing.
"Like my heart longs for an ocean, to wash down over me.." You know it's funny that I love that song so much, because one of the songs we sang at church today was, "How He Loves" which has the line,
"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"
Ah me. Still making childish mistakes. Thank God for grace, friends.
Ichhk... I'm still not that impressed at the state of my heart, but we're getting there. Ya know.. it's like the part where Jesus puts the mud on the blind guy's eyes and at first he just sees men that look like trees walking because he's still a little bit blind.
Stay tuned, I might see something beautiful when I get to the top of this mountain. :)
Isn't the point of being saved by Jesus that you aren't a zombie anymore? When you were saved then God see's Jesus instead of you. Jesus beat death, and rescued you from the dominion of darkness.
ReplyDeleteIn Romans 6:4 (NIV) it says "We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."
You are alive in Christ. Its not a feeling, not a whim, not a belief that you hold to for now. Its a fact. As certain as the sun rose this morning, Jesus defeated death. When God sees you, he doesn't see the sinful dead in your trespasses that you once were, he sees Jesus, the perfect lamb that was slain.
How is it "not that great, I promise"?
In James 1:2-3 (NIV) it says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
When you face a situation that the world might look at and say is terribly unfun, you should be all the happier. When something bad happens, what does the Bible say your reaction be? Pure joy. Ecstasy. When the devil throws a curveball our way, shouldn't we be whooping and cheering that we're blessed with the opportunity to grow in perseverance?
Romans 8:28 (NIV) says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
With that being said, how can anything phase you. If it seems bad, its something that will work out for good in God's master plan, and you get the pure joy bonus of growing in faith and perseverance, besides maturity (James 2:4), completeness (vs.4) without lacking anything.
The hymn "Onward Christian Soldier" comes to mind. Jesus already won, marching on before. We're just along for the victory that's already been acquired. We are in The Father's hand, and no one can snatch us.
Live in that victory.
Ephesians 2
ReplyDelete1 As for you, you WERE dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you USED TO live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we WERE by nature objects of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive(!!!!!!) with Christ even when we WERE dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Death is finished; we are now alive. No more zombies here. Don't trust your heart or emotions which are fleeting and deceitful. Trust God.