Abandoned Things Are Just Adventures Left Behind For Us To Have

I suppose if I encourage myself enough, I shall pick up a canvas and paint something today. But we shall see. I realized, recently, it has been since I moved that I have completed an oil painting. The amount of half-finished canvases sitting about my place is rather embarrassing. Abandoned works-in-progress you might call them. 

That word, abandoned, is very often in my vocabulary these days. I worried my friends enough with my strange fascination with cemeteries that peaked out into obsession last summer. I've often enjoyed spending hours walking through them, whether it be by myself or with an other sweet soul, I've just found the whole experience to be peaceful. Albeit, a little disturbing at times when one comes across a grave so strangely marked or etched with some disconcerting epitaph, but mostly it's been a delight. Perhaps college is where I decided that cemeteries felt like an adventure as I would walk from one human passed to another. Always wondering what their lives had been like and what became of the human that bothered to place a monument in their honor when the person had passed on. I wonder what sort of adventures those that were buried had gone on and if they had been happy or not. 
The most amazing thing, of course, is that some of the stones showed that the person had lived to be 100yrs old and some only lived to be 1 day old and some were still born. Still born. They have no birth date, just the death date. Which is odd to me, because they had to have lived in order to have died, right?

There's a lot of thinking to do in a cemetery. I've often been told that the dash between the birth and death date is the most important part of all of it. The dash being the unknown of what happened between those two dates. I think, too, about my own life. My dash is quite full, and I rather wish instead of a dash, that my own grave stone would have a scroll that would roll out and proclaim all of the wonderful life that took place in my dash. "Lived life to the full" would hardly describe it. But all in all, I think about how in the end, I shall just be one more stone in a grave yard of many. Just some words scratched on a rock to be passed over by some other wanderer in times to come. 

After wandering through near 30 different graveyards in too many different towns to count, I've left some of my close friends to wonder if I might be a little disturbed to be so obsessed with death. But it is not death that I find so intriguing, but life that has come and gone. I would say it is too cold for grave wanderings lately, but the cold only lessons the amount I adventure through them. I was in one this past weekend, and although it was a bit too chilly to linger and wonder as much as I usually like, it was a good walk all the same. I have a handful of friends who have joined me in my enjoyment of such things and they were as delighted as I was when we entered into such a large cemetery as the one we did. 

They are also my same close friends who have taken up an intense fascination with abandoned things like houses and buildings and gas stations. I'm SO fascinated with abandoned houses. Like a human laid to rest is a body abandoned by a soul, is a house that sits empty and alone for years on end. It's amazing to wander through an abandoned house, knowing it was once a place of life and comfort. It's interesting to see what things were left behind and in what state the house sits unoccupied. Along with whatever was left behind in the yard, or the barns for that matter. The idea that life can simply just stop altogether is rather a lot to wrap my mind around. But it draws me closer to the Lord knowing that my life will never truly end. It will just begin anew, absent of pain or brokenness or sadness. 

I've decided that something abandoned is just an adventure that someone left behind for me to find. And I have sweet friends who gladly explore such adventures with me. The Lord knows my heart. He knows how much I LOVE to find an abandoned place and explore it and wonder at what was and is no more. I feel like the Lord blesses me with such things more often than I could hope. 

My friend's car broke down in Des Moines, which is the town I would head one way to go home and my friends would head the opposite way to their home. It's our halfway point for meeting in the middle. 
I was sad for them to not have a car, but very excited at the opportunity  to spend 1 or 2 extra hours with them as I drove them half way home for someone to pick them up and take them the rest of the way. 

We were told the halfway point had nothing and there would be no real place to pull off. We were COMPLETELY overjoyed to see by "nothing" it was meant, "Abandoned gas station." An abandoned gas station has been on our list of hopeful explorations since last July. MONTHS, guys. And of course we wish not to break anything in our enterrings and thus appreciated that all the breakings to be done had already happened. All the glass doors were smashed in and unlocked anyways. The back wall had been broken down and it was very evident that we were not the first explorers to happen upon such an adventure. Of course, we did not intend to spray paint, demolish, or plunder anything as the previous explorers had done, but we were quite glad that it was easy to enter and it was a very large place with much to see. 

There is so much to think about in abandoned places like this one. There was still an item or two left on the selling shelves, a whole rack full of travel pamphlets, fully stocked was collecting dust and causing the edges of the paper to curl. Pipes had fallen down, restaurant benches broken up, and the strangest art work spray painted onto the walls. Perhaps it would be considered disturbing, but I only wonder at the story behind it. 

From such adventures I draw the deepest comforts because I am reassured that I am not an abandoned work in progress. The Lord has never left me to be plundered or ruined, he has never given up or halted in-progress. He never ran out of the resources it takes to complete the good work he started in me. And He has never changed or aged or withered with time. His strength grows when my heart breaks and his peace reaches the deepest places of my soul. 

No wonder John always claimed to be the disciple whom Jesus loved. Because he was. And I am the Fern whom Jesus loves. I am the project that takes the most work. I am the tedious, detailed, time consuming, masterpiece that The Lord is delighted to spend all His efforts and affections perfecting. 

And He thinks the same of you, Dear Reader. Give the Lord an inch and He will gladly take a mile. Ask for a drop and He'll give you the ocean. A year ago, as I considered my life the most perfect, the most happiest, the most content it could ever be, I never imagined that I'd find myself covered in dust and ash as I maneuvered myself through the wreckage of a structure some life had left behind. Smiling at how my heart dances with each new exploration. Beaming at how my friends share the same love of exploration and adventure as me and delighting in how their hearts dance to find something left behind as well. 

We only had about 7 minutes in that abandoned gas station. I imagine we could have easily stretched it to hours. Taking our time imagining through each little detail of every little item left in that mess. Wondering about the child's stuffed animal covered in dirt, being amazed by the damage and preservation all at once. And all at once feeling entirely loved by Jesus at how much joy one can find in an old wreckage. Knowing that we ourselves were once an empty structure of abandoned decay before we allowed the Lord to adventure into us and make us the most joyful of happy filled castles He can. 


And we are happy. We are SO happy. Every adventure gives us a longing for the next. We eagerly anticipate the next thing the Lord will bring us to and hope with all of our hearts we will all be there together to partake in it. We find the biggest pleasures in the smallest adventures. Our hearts are hardly big enough for the amount of joy each adventure brings to us. The Lord loves us. More than we can possibly know. But we are so delighted by every little thing. 

And I am thankful. I'm thankful for my friends and their love for The Lord. I'm thankful for The Lord and His love for us. And I'm thankful for every adventure left behind for us to find and I cannot wait til the next time we find them. 

Love, Ferns, Friends, Water, Life.

Hello, Dear Readers. I hope you are well today! And if not well, at least joyful, and I hope your health returns to you soon. 

I know it was just two weeks ago that I last typed something out and shared it with you all, but I feel I've been away much longer. Today I dug out my old laptop, that I tucked away before leaving on my adventure to Florida. I'm not overly attached to my computer, of course. In fact, Id be most happy to get a new one...mine is now close to 6 years old and crashes on a regular basis (as you might recall from my traumatic paper writing experience last year). But I realized as I dusted it off today that 6 weeks is the longest I've been separated from it since I was just a child.. and by that I mean, since I began my college life as a 17yr old. 

It was sitting in the lounge of the Quadrangle on this computer that birthed this blog in the first place and 90% of all my posts were affectionately given their words in the hours I spent with this dated machine. It was an odd sense of being 'home' to open it up today and have all my bookmarks where I wanted them and tabs I'd failed to shut down still open. 

My manuscriptDraft1 is still open along with "How to write a book" google helps. In case I failed to mention it to you, I *AM* writing a book. With no real deadline or whatever yet, who knows when I'll finish? But, I'm 11 pages in and could easily make it to page 100 by the end of today... maybe I'll work on it?

Actually! I wrote a book while I was in Florida. Just a short little diddy about a traumatic babysitting experience. It managed to be 8 chapters of shock and horror, so the publication of such a book will probably not ever take place, but it was an encouragement for me to know that I CAN finish things if I push myself hard enough. I like starting projects, I'm not the best at follow through. 

Which brings me to Valentines!! I have not forgot, Dear Reader, that tomorrow is February the 14th and I should be taking this time to blog about my relationships and thoughts on love and chocolates. 

Actually, I have long sense put away the notion that Valentines Day is a romantical day. My heart broke the deepest on the Valentines I expected to be showered with romantical affections and came up empty than on the days I expected nothing and came up with a card from my grandma. My heart was made to be romanced by the Lord and He does a fine job of that every day. 

Valentines is for expressing my love for all the humans I can manage by sending the most pathetic, badly put together hand-made-with-love cards of all times. And if, by receiving one of my friend-entines cards, my precious friends smile, I have succeeded and my heart will be the happiest. My cards will be late, of course. By thats okay. I'm not about being confined to one day of the year. 

The Lord loves my heart, guys. He loves it SO well. I am an acts-of-service love language (as my primary) and it takes VERY LITTLE to make my heart feel loved to the bottom because the Lord's love takes up VERY MUCH space. 

For example, water. Water is a love language of mine all on its own because I'm very bad at remembering to drink water. Which is terrible because I was born with a kidney that didn't work and I've grown up my whole life on the one functioning kidney The Lord blessed me with. Now, everyone who knows anything about kidneys would say, "Wow! You must drink a lot of water, right?"
No. I don't. I forget ALL THE TIME. And that's probably really not good because losing a kidney at this point in my life would be a really bad thing since I've only got one in the first place. 
BUT! I have sweet friends who remember for me and will water me without me even saying anything. They just put a cup of water in my hand and my heart just dances! Or if I mention I'm thirsty and people I don't even know that well get me water, be still my heart. It makes me feel like the Lord Himself drew the bucket out of a deep well just for my little self. 

Another thing that made my heart dance recently was when my friend, Shane, found me a Fern. I have, my whole life, been seeking a real live human named Fern to meet in person. I spend HOURS in cemeteries meeting the Ferns of the past and my heart has always sank when I read of a Fern in an obituary because it was a missed opportunity. I've honestly been hunting for YEARS. I've been trying to think through making trips across the country to track down the Ferns that people have casually mentioned existing. It's been on my official bucket list since I was 13yrs old (That's when I wrote it in ink) but it's been a longer time coming. 

SO! Of all the exciting things, I had been looking forward to a potential Amish sleigh ride for DAYS (well weeks and years if you wanna get technical) and I was kind of sad when the weather was obviously too warm and the sleigh ride was canceled. HOWEVER, my friend told me to get myself to Kalona ASAP anyways without any further explanation. My friends and I scurried ourselves along and found ourselves waiting in our car in some parking lot on some corner in the little town. Shane showed up, hopped in the back seat (Because all three of us girls were in the front) and started giving directions. "I found a lady named Fern, and she lives close...wanna meet her??" I was in such a shock I couldn't even. 

Where else but Kalona can you just show up on some strangers door step, completely speechless and overwhelmed because the Lord loves you so well you can't even talk and one of your BIGGEST LIFE LONG DREAMS IS COMING TRUE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?? Oh my goodness... there are no words. But Fern was as sweet and lovely as ever. She asked us to come in and sit down three times before the shock of having finally met my Fern allowed my brain to register words. There, the four of us sat on a couch across from her as she sweetly told of her life and how she grew up on a farm as a tomboy and loved the Lord and had many adventures. AND! ALSO HAD SHEEP. (ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO!). We almost had the same life... except she was an only child. But, be.still.my. heart. 

I have the SWEETEST friends, guys. They love Jesus and Jesus loves me through them. And they make my heart want to love Jesus better. Fern's coffee table was covered with Christian books and an open Bible and her home was warm and welcoming and beautiful. I hope with all my heart that The Lord lets me grow into a woman like that. With a game of dominos ready to go on the little table in the corner and a willingness to welcome four young people into my home just because one of them showed up a few days earlier and asked if it was alright to bring people over to meet her. I need to retire into Kalona so that I live in a place where people DO just show up at your house. I love that!!

The Lord loves my heart through a lot of things. I realized while talking with my friend, Anne, that there is nothing we have endeavored to do that wasn't one of the most fulfilling, wonderfullest things ever. We keep a bucket list, as you know. And we pursue crossing things off of our lists. And when we do, we dont feel empty.. it's not like we accomplish our goal and are left feeling empty... usually our hearts are so filled we're just overwhelmed. 

Like, friending an Amish and getting a ride in a buggy. We did that. And my heart still dances at the memory. But, we realized that it's because we've opened our hearts up to being loved by God that EVERYTHING we do tickles our hearts to the bottomest places. We built a snowman together this past Sunday and, honestly, my heart still just feels so loved. I feel loved at the opportunity. At the fact that I was out in the snow with some of my favorite people building a giant snowman and throwing snow at eachother and then drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie and talking about Jesus. 

Because The Lord has promised to give us life, and life to the full, when we pursue Jesus, we find ourselves on SO MANY ADVENTURES. I can't explain it well, but the more we love Jesus, the more Jesus loves us, and the crazier our adventures become. And there's no holding us back. I don't think there is any idea we could come up with that you would tell us the Lord could not make happen. 

The Lord is my Valentine and will ALWAYS be my Valentine. He makes my heart to feel SO loved. He LOVES MY HEART SO WELL. He just does. 

My Heart Popped Happy

I don't have much time this morning, but it is February all of the sudden and I feel like I should update you dear readers before I lose you altogether.

I have been going on so many adventures these last few weeks and I'd so rather live in the moment than take the time to document every little thing.. except by way of pictures every now and then. There's a facebook album for those, though. 

From Scotland Highland festivals, to nature hikes in the woods. From foot races along the beach to jumping in a river with manatees... I couldn't call myself anything other than blessed beyond words.
Perhaps I find it difficult to write about because there aren't many words to describe it, and I'd rather not blog on and on about the great weather since my sweet friend humans back home are wrapped in blankets of snow and cold. 

My sister, Grace, and I took on the task of helping my aunt re-paint one of the bathrooms. I don't mind painting, but I hate doing trim work.. because it's boring. Using a little brush to do slow and tedious careful brushings so you don't paint the wrong thing. However, Grace had The Magician's Nephew on an audio book and we listened to it while we worked at it was most pleasant. It's been years since I last read through all of The Chronicles of Narnia and it was so great to be reminded of the beauty within the story.

There's a part where Aslan is singing Narnia into existence and an English cabby has accidentally happened into watching it and he says, "I would have been a better man all of my life if I'd have known such beauty existed." I loved that line. Because there are a lot of times in my life where I'm so chill with The Lord and hardly pursue Him, and then one day I'll sit down with Him and read His word and let The Spirit touch my heart and I think, "I'd have done this a lot more often and way sooner than now if I'd have remembered how wonderful this feeling is."

I wonder about that some. In the moment, I always think that it's a feeling I could never forget. Because the joy is so beyond all comprehension, you'd think you'd always dwell on that in your memories. But I forget. I don't know how I manage to forget so quickly, but I do. But it makes the moment I remember so glorious all over again. But I really wish I'd remember. 

But, yesterday, a beautiful thing happened. We took a boat ride to an island and the first thing we saw was a sign that told about all the different things we could see. Manatee was on the list and oh how I've WANTED to meet a manatee or see a glimpse of one in real life. I was so determined. I prayed for it and we hunted all over the island to try and find the water coast where people said they could be seen. We bush-whacked and hiked and saw the most beautiful nature. After an hour we stopped to rest and picnic after we'd found the coast we wanted but no manatee seemed to be present. We were just planning that we'd give up the search and hammock somewhere when a young man walked slowly up to where we had settled ourselves. He was volunteering with the people who remove invasive species, so perhaps he was intended to go pull weeds behind us, but my aunt was quick to engage him in conversation and asked about what he does and such. It took no effort for her to turn the conversation spiritual as all she had to do was ask, "So with all this beautiful nature, do you think it's a created world or an evolved world?" And like that, the man was talking of his beliefs.


Before long he was sitting cross-legged on the ground with my aunt as she  took him through the whole Gospel message and before we stood back up again, he had prayed to accept Christ. I was only a little sad that we saw no manatee, but obviously better things happened. I just prayed I'd see one as we boated out.
We arrived on the dock to board the boat when some man was so kind to tell us we'd JUST MISSED two manatee swimming by. WHY DO PEOPLE TELL YOU THOSE THINGS WHEN THEY KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?

I think everyone probably could tell I wanted to see one.. maybe it was obvious because I'd started praying out loud for them.. but the captain was all in the know and he kept a close eye out for them as we chugged ourselves along the canal. My cousins were praying for it too, knowing how my heart was so set on it, and so when there was signs of a manatee in the water, we all got really excited. The captain turned the boat off and I caught a glimpse of the manatee's nose, just barely. The captain turned the boat around for us, but it was gone.
What a nice captain. He was probably in his late 20s, and obviously there were other passengers on our boat besides us, but I think the fact that we were 6 ladies probably worked to our advantage a little.
So it was no surprised when we were just pulling into our own canal to dock and caught a glimpse of a dolphin just down the way, he delayed docking a bit longer and chased down the dolphin and brought us just up to it and it swam under our boat. My heart was happy at that point. But my aunt was still up for hunting down a better view of manatee for me.

We first tried a small canal that had a sign about not feeding the manatee and there was a little girl and two men looking for manatee there as well. One of the men told us there was a bridge on the highway just a mile away and sometimes you could see manatee there. We thanked him and piled back in the van and prayed our last hope. We saw people with their phones out looking over the bridge, so I had a lot of hope for this time. We ran over the bridge and I couldn't believe it. About 30 manatee were just chilling. AND SOME OF THEM HAD BABIES!! My cousin and I figured that they wouldn't have made a fence so low if they didn't want people to climb over it so we jumped over the fence scurried down the the bank and met them close up. My cousin took off her shoes and crawled in with them, and then I did that too... you only live once, you know? But the manatee swam away. We were seconds away from just swimming after them, but our aunt cautioned the $1000 fine should we attempt to ride one like we planned. But my heart was bursting happy anyways! All of my prayers answered in one canal. Kinda like when you hit the print button and don't get a response so you click it a lot more times and then you get a billion copies of the one page you needed. SO MUCH MANATEE! Yay!!!

Then, on the way home, we stopped for boiled peanuts (which were on my bucket list for before i left) and the man also had my very favorite fruit ever!! I was going to buy one or two before he ever even offered me to sample it, but as I retrieved my wallet from the van, he cut one up to see if we liked it. I got two... then he brought the price down so I got four.. then he packed up the one he cut up for me and let me have it for free to eat on the way home. BE.STILL.MY.HEART. The Lord is so good to me.

There's a lot more I could say, but I'll leave you with that stories and hopefully will see many of you in person soon, and I shall tell you of my adventures then.