Did I ever tell you about the time my roommate googled how to make coffee??Oh my goodness. I felt SO loved! Haha.. so.. this isn't news to anybody who knows me but, I am pretty much hopelessly addicted to coffee. Okay.. not hopelessly, exactly... I gave it up for 11 months one time. While I was in college even. My grades were better WITH coffee so I welcomed it back into my life.
So, over the summer when my roommate and I had just moved into our new place, we slept in the living room on account it was too hot upstairs and there were boxes all over the place anyways.
Usually I had to be at work at 6am so I'd be up at 5, have a cup of coffee and be out the door by 5:40.. at least an hour before she had to leave for her job.
One day, I didn't have to be at work until 8AM! So, whilst I was sleeping and my roommate was awake and preparing for work, she got the idea that she wanted to make me my coffee for when I would wake up. Having never done it before, she googled it and left the wonderful elixir warming in its pot for me to discover later.
AHH! I felt so loved. Acts of service is my love language and it was just precious that someone would even try something new just for me. Seriously..my heart just dances for those little things.
I don't know why that particular instance sticks out so vividly in my mind this morning.. but it does. And it makes me feel so loved by the Lord. So many things make me feel loved by the Lord. I can't help but remember all the times I asked the Lord how my trial could be a good thing.. how I could ever be brought to joy after all of it. 12 months of blessing later... everything still points to the Lord's goodness.
A lot of things anyways.
So.. I have a lot of friends who are convinced I'm always happy. Well.. most people make me happy so when I'm around them.. yes, I'm happy. However.. lately.. not so much. I haven't been grumpy... just not happy. A little...... dead.
Why? Long story.
If you read my previous blogs you saw me admit I'd burnt out. By the end of it I basically decided, "Okay God.. thanks for wanting to stretch me and grow me but... no thanks. Really.. I don't need this."
And since I totally tend to distance from any one or any thing that breaks me or brings me down or makes me feel like a crappy person.. I took a little step back from the Christian life thing.
And God.
Not that I decided, "I'm not a believer any more" or "I'm done with following God." No, of course not. I could never do that. But basically I decided not to pursue that any more. That's why i haven't had anything to blog about the last month or so.. I mean... what's to tell? My life is pretty boring without God in it.. so I basically spent a couple weeks hiding from the world and hating people.
Secretly, of course. I didn't announce it. At one point, I did have a conversation with my brother when I informed him that I really didn't feel like being around anybody for a long time. Honestly, I got hurt the last couple weeks. More than once.. more than a couple times by more than a couple people. And the best mask I wear is a, "I'm invincible" mask... and it gets old. I'd rather curse under my breath and spew out some biting words back at them.
Eww. See? That's been my heart lately. Pretty angry, pretty bitter... not pleasant. I learned the hard way that cutting people down right back at them is the exact wrong way of responding like Jesus would.
So I hide... that's my best method. One of my roommates informed me not too long ago that I let people walk all over me too much... but Im more worried about what kinda damage I'd dish back out than how my heart gets mangled.
At least it started that way... now I'm just bitter. And whatever love I had to motivate me to keep the peace at the beginning.. well.. there's not much left. If any.
SO the last few days I've been searching for God again. Not distantly or far away.. but in my heart. I can't seem to find Him. So far I've found traces of Him.. signs that He has been there... at some point... but it seems He has been squished into some far corner and so I'm currently digging through the mess in attempts to locate Him.
It's a process. I think, maybe, I had the idea that if I sat down and did my quiet time, my heart would instantly repair and I'd be back to loving God and His people... buuuuuut.... when you heart comes as calloused as mine has... it takes a little more than that. But! Eventually, guys, the Lord and I will walk out of this valley hand-in-hand and my heart will love again.
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