A Call to Love

 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. -1 Corinthians 13

It's amazing how God uses certain situations to get your attention. And equally amazing how easy it for us to turn our attention away from Christ. I think, with it being halloween and what not, the spiritual warfare that takes place around us becomes more apparent. As of last night, I think I decided I officially very greatly dislike halloween. 

I don't think very many people know how halloween started, thus, I shall enlighten you : The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom, and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31, they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, or Celtic priests, to make predictions about the future. For a people entirely dependent on the volatile natural world, these prophecies were an important source of comfort and direction during the long, dark winter. (History.com) 

So, it is not to go unsaid that there is definite spiritual connotations behind the whole event. 

And I'm not saying that dressing up in costumes and enjoying being someone else for a day is bad. Not at all. But what is it that attracts people to doctor's coats covered in blood, headless bodies, distorted, mangled, gory, disturbing, disfigured costumes and characters. Also, if halloween was just a costume party day.. why so many witches and skeletons?  

It makes me wince. Growing up, I was protected from the halloween spirit and celebration and I am really thankful for that. I think that I am easily frightened. 

But here's the thing..We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 

      God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ( 1 John 4:13-18) 

Reading that tells me, that I have no reason to be frightened, yes? Last night I attended a halloween dance party thing. It wasn't something that I had particularly looked forward to attending beforehand and not something that I expected to enjoy, so I really wasn't disappointed in being there. But, I didn't like being there. As I stood surrounded by many different personas and characters, it was fun to see how well people had carefully constructed and pulled off being someone completely other than their usual self. What I didn't like, was how some of my friends had somehow transformed into bloody corpses with demonic faces. :(  I think part of my discouragement in lasts night's event, was that I like security. I like to know that when I attend a Christian event, I will not be frightened. But that's where I had set my expectations in the wrong place. Other this event being hosted by a campus ministry.. there really was no indication or announcement that it would be a Christ-based event. So I'm not really sure why I expected it to be different. It was just people gettin' together, drinking non-alcoholic soda and doing whatever it is you do at a normal halloween party. 

When the first round of dance music with explicit words and lyrics came around, I found myself seeking solitude at the campfire out side and away from the music. Apart from the one other person at the fire who was using profanities up and down the block to describe the fire and his general opinion of life, the fire was really lovely. I could see the stars from where I sat and I really love the smell of fire and the heat it offers when the air is so cold.

As I sat and contemplated why exactly God had it in his plan that I would come here in spite of my knowing that I would not enjoy it. It occurred to me that perhaps God wanted to give me an opportunity to love people no matter what. My tendency when people disappoint me, or hurt me, or make me feel sad, is to cut them off, shut them out, and walk away.  I learned in high school, that this reaction really has disastrous consequences and is possibly one of the worst ways to handle that kind of situation. 

People are not perfect. We all do things that do not glorify God. 

I really didn't like being frightened by some of the costumes at the party. But, there is no fear in love. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 

I would like to say that I love every body all the time. But I don't. And I was more than aware of that fact while I was sitting by the fire. I wasn't really loving the people behind the masks.

It always amazing me when God uses object lessons in real life. I was looking at the masks that the people were wearing, and letting their grotesque images define whether I loved them or not.  But, God calls us to look beyond that masks that people put on and love them for who they are. I don't even know who was behind some of the masks last night. I just know that I saw them, didn't like them, and refused to allow myself to get close to them.. or let them approach me. Some of them were probably a friend of mine... and I imagine they probably didn't really appreciate me ducking away from them. 

So this would be the lesson that God is working in my heart right now: We need God's perfect love to be poured into our imperfect hearts. And there is no room for fear when we are filled with His perfect love. And above all else, we are called to love those around us, no matter what mask they wear, what words come out of their mouth, and what music they choose to listen to. God sees them as precious. God sees US as precious. 

We love because at one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior (Titus 3: 3-6)

A gentle whisper

Send me a sign
A hint, O whisper
Fill me with life
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me the light
'Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels' wings

Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel loved
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?


I don't really know where to start. Some times, God does incredible things to get your attention and some times.. He does something so subtle, yet so beautiful that you can do nothing more than fall on your knees, put your face on the ground and worship Him. 
What was this subtle thing you may ask? It was a still small voice. Let's back up a little bit.. 
In 1 Kings, there was this guy named Elijah and he loved God. He did wonderful and amazing things through the power of God. In 1 Kings 18, he sacrificed to God and God lit his offering on fire even after Elijah had dumped lots and lots of water on it. After that, 300 prophets of Baal were killed and Elijah was so empowered by God that he out ran a chariot that was 18 miles ahead of him.  That's INCREDIBLE. But even after all that, Elijah was still afraid and hid in a cave! That is where we shall pick up the story..


The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
 Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" (1 Kings 19:11-13)


Yep, so... I would have to say that I am much like Elijah. These past few weeks, I have felt super close to God. Just filled with the Spirit and His love and empowered by his Grace. God has just been doing amazing things and has been using me in incredible ways that blow my mind! And after all that... I am still afraid. 


If I'm being honest, I would say insecurity is one of my biggest struggles. I'm super sensitive to how people view me. I have surrounded myself with many wonderful Christian friends and God has blessed me with a wonderful Christian community here on campus. But I struggle with letting that be one of my greater sources of joy. Now, God placed my friends in my life to give me joy.. this is true. But, God is the greater source of joy. 
The thing is, friends, as wonderful as they are.. they're not perfect. As kind and loving and encouraging as they are, they cannot love me as much as God has created me to be loved. God keeps whispering to me in the quietness of my heart "I love you. Fern... I love you!"
And when I place my security in the love of my friends or family, I just feel like I have to try harder, be better, and say "right words" in order to be good enough. 


Now, I know this is not true. That I don't have to try to earn love. But at the same time, I think we all try, even a little, to gain respect or compliments or approval by doing or say something that would encourage affection. But, God is ALWAYS always there and always wanting to love no matter what. That's the wonderfullest thing ever! Because we don't have to do ANYthing to encourage His affections for us. He already loves us more than we can possible imagine!! Ahh! It's an amazing thing to realize. :) 
Like Elijah, I think I am much tempted to hide in a cave even after God shows up and does wonderful amazing things. And then God comes and says, "What are you doing here?"
I've never really thought about this before.. but for as many times as we question God and ask "why!??" how much more right HE has to be asking us that question. And the truth of it is... we don't have a good answer. 


This morning as I was doing my quiet time with God and I wrote, " suddenly I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark and crashing into walls and falling over hidden snares." I must stop and ask myself.. how'd I get there? It was just two weeks ago that I felt like I was running with God. It was then that I wrote, "Sometimes we run in the dark and sometimes in the storm. And Christ, who is the light, is running ahead of us, leading us through this tricky obstacle course where things reach out to entangle our feet and trip us up. And when we trip, Christ reaches down to give us a hand up and then, as a friend offers to support you when you twist an ankle, Christ carries us, limping and bruised until we are able to start running again." Mmmm... last week, when I was walking to a building on campus, I got distracted by some people cleaning a building. I took my eyes off of where I was going and I tripped. I went down on the pavement and my phone flew out in front of me and I was so embarrassed. It's not often that you see an adult trip and sprawl out on the pavement..but it happens. God for sure has a sense of humor. Not that He found it funny that I super biffed it on the pavement.. but that He chose to show me in my every day life what I do in my every day walk with him. I trip. Sometimes it's a stumble.. subtle, but still slowing down the walk... and sometimes.. it's a full out, hardcore, face plant. 


It's also interesting that it's called a face plant. We are called to humility, and with that, we must takes our place on our face. How often do you see how people fell on their face before God in the Bible. There is no room for God when we are filled with pride. Turn that sentence around and you get that there is no room for pride when we are filled with God. 
Now, to bring it back together, I think a lot of my insecurity stems from pride. It is so easy for me to take pride in all my wonderful friend blessings and family blessings. God gave them as a gift, but he is still there beside me saying, "I love you more. I will always be here to love you more." :) Psalm 37: 3 says, " Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture."  God has this wonderful pasture of security in store for me, for us, but our insecurities cause stubbornness. It's something the Israelites struggled with as well. Hosea 4:16 says, "The Israelites are stubborn, like a stubborn heifer. How then can the LORD pasture them like lambs in a meadow?" 


Here's what we get from that: while we are tripping in the dark, stumbling around and getting all scraped up asking God, "Why? Why don't you do anything??" God is probably asking "What can I do if you so insist on doing things yourself?"


Solution:  Let go, let God.  :)


You sent a sign
The hint, O whisper
Human, divine
Everyone is listening

Death laid low
Quiet in the night is stirring

All around the rush of angels

O the wonder of the greatest love has come

Shine Your light so all can see it
Lifted up, 'cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome, He has overcome

Romans 8:31-39 (New International Version)

 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
   "For your sake we face death all day long;
      we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

For Such a time as this

Esther 4:14For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"


I am generally content with life. Generally...but not today. 
After a trying week, an exhausting weekend, and major/minor frustrations sprinkled on top.. I returned myself to my dorm room this afternoon to catch up on some sleep. 


While my glorious and much needed nap lasted for a solid 3 hours (Praise Jesus!).. I awoke with a rather restless feeling. What on earth am I doing here at school?? Why am I in college? What is my purpose?


Now.. on a normal day, if you were to ask me "Fern.. what is your purpose in life?" i would say "To glorify God. To serve Him, and share him with those around me." True as it is.. do I follow through with that everyday? By no means. I fall short of that everyday. How often do I verbally share Christ with someone else? I do not recall the last time, and it greatly disturbs me. I do not feel like I have accomplished anything...at all. 
At this moment.. I feel much like I have wasted much time. My life is but a vapor in the wind and I'm not sure if it is not watering anything as it blows quickly by. :(
To be honest.. I do not think there are words to describe how I truly feel. I very greatly enjoy college very much. I enjoy the opportunities to meet people and make new friends every day. I enjoy the campus..it's beautiful! I love that i live close to two of my dear sisters and can build a relationship with them. BUT... why am I here? 


What does a degree mean? A secure job? A secure future? Surely not. For my security is in Christ who has given me a hope and a future. In all this business with the college of ed, being a little behind in school, and contemplating my purpose in life. It has been suggested to me 3 different times by  3 completely different people who most like have never met each other in their entire lives, that I should look into overseas missions. Now, as awesome and epic as I have heard overseas mission work to be.. I have never felt called to leave this country. After all, America is also in darkness and needs Christians who are not afraid to share their faith while it is still free to share. 
But then again... I have found myself to be much adventurous. And let me tell you, following God is truly the most joy-filled adventure EVER!! Not to say that the everyday life of a college student is not an adventure... But how much more is out there to experience. (Yeah.. that was a statement.. not a question)


 I feel like the stereo-typical missionary moves to deepest darkest Africa , lives in a mud-houses, doesn't find it strange to see a lion in the back yard, and is pictured with some native dude covered in war paint and has facial piercings like they were a human pin cushion. And that.. really does sounds like a super wonderful adventure.. don't get me wrong! But, I am not typical. It is not enough! Africa has been spinning around in my head for the last few weeks though.. how epic would that be? Africa! But then.. today.. I was thinkin.. I want to go to India!.. and everywhere else. 
Isaiah 49:6 says "He says, 'it is too small a thing for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of jacob and bring back those of Israel i have kept. I will also make you a light for the Gentiles that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth."
Oh man.. the whollllllllllllle earth! How epic... to follow God all over the world. To be called to the WHOLE world. Not just one little spot.. not just one little time.. but  the WHOLE word.. ALL the time. :D !!!


But here's the thing... while I feel called all  over the world.. I don't feel called to drop out of school forsake all else and crawl into a dark hole in Africa until I'm 40. 
No, there is much work to be done here before I go to another part of the world. 
On my campus.. there are many countries represented. All I gotta do is trust God and reach out. :)


I have no need to worry over my present, or my future. 
Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Proverbs 23:18
There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

..Because I love you

Isaiah 43:1-4


But now, this is what the LORD says— 
       he who created you, O Jacob, 
       he who formed you, O Israel: 
       "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; 
       I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

 When you pass through the waters,
       I will be with you;
       and when you pass through the rivers,
       they will not sweep over you.
       When you walk through the fire,
       you will not be burned;
       the flames will not set you ablaze.

 For I am the LORD, your God,
       the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
       I give Egypt for your ransom,
       Cush  and Seba in your stead.

 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
       and because I love you,
       I will give men in exchange for you,
       and people in exchange for your life.

I Feel like a question that we often ask God is "why?" Why is all this happening to me? Why do people suffer and die everyday? Why is there hurt? And the questions go on and on.

Man is inherently sinful. Our hearts rebel against God day after day. I think a lot of times we do not even realize how much we miss the mark. Why do bad things happen? 

Two reasons: 

1.) God is just - If our sinful and disobedient acts go unpunished, how on earth would we know we've done wrong? 

2.) A faith that has not been tested cannot be trusted. 

And one sentence that ties both those two points together is this: Because God loves us.

Believe me, I am well aware that many people wonder "How could a loving God let this happen?"

That is a deep question. 

Have you ever tried to explain something to a friend and they just weren't catching it? It is at that moment that you place your hands on their shoulders and shake them back and forth saying, "WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??" and then hopefully, you exorcise some patience and try to explain again. We, as humans, are slow to understanding and when God is standing in front of us saying "I love you, follow me," and we don't see Him.. He just has to grab our shoulders and say "I'm RIGHT here!" And then patiently.. he calls you again, and again, and again.  And it is not to go unsaid that the shaking is not always gentle. Sometimes... we just need some hardcore shakey shake shakin' up. 

Now, please notice verse 2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; The flames will not set you ablaze." *Pause* The dictionary definition for "when" is "at or during the time that."So plug that in "At or during the time that you pass through the waters, forge deep and fast moving rivers, and walk through a hot fire...." *Un-Pause* Yep.. bad things are gonna come your way. But it is your choice to try to do it on your own strength, or let someone carry you. 

 Following God is something you do by faith. You take a step of faith... and another and another and it's one step at a time.  And God by no means says "Follow me and your life will be happy day care free all the time." Nope.. there's gonna be some tough stuff to get through. BUT!!! The greatest adventures always involve a little bit of uncertain dangers, that's what makes them so great! :) 

One thing about me is that I LOVE adventure! Over the summer my siblings and I decided to have a river adventure. It wasn't going to be all that extreme, just hope in a river at a certain point, float it for about a mile and climb out, go home and watch a movie. But, there came to be a problem, as we approached the river to start our hour long adventure, we noticed ominous black clouds to the south. (South being the direction the river flowed and the direction we were heading.) After some brief hesitation and discussion, my siblings felt that the storm would not reach us for some time and we would be just fine. I was super anxious about it.. also knowing that starting down an hour long river journey at 8pm did not leave for much sunlight either. Never the less, we jumped in, stretched out on our floating rafts and were soon drifting casually along down the river. The first thing I noticed was that the river was much deeper than usual as it had been raining earlier that day. For the most part.. the water came up to my neck and in some places, was well over my head. It was about 10 minutes into our adventure when we started hearing thunder rolling in from the distance. I voted we stop right then and there.. but my brothers assured me that they had checked the weather before hand and the storm would not come. It was my sister who suggested we just try to get down the river faster. So, we paddled. We attempted to go as fast as we could, exhausting our energy in the mean time. At the half way point, the clouds had moved in and the thunder was loud and the sky was growing progressively dark. Then came the lightning. 

That was it. We had to get out of the water. The banks of this river were about 10ft high and almost completely straight up and down. We clung to the grass and weeds growing on the side and climbed out of the river. We found our selves standing in a field with half a mile of field for us to reach either the pick up car or the drop of car. Also.. the river flows away from the highway... so returning to the road was out of the question. The cranky lightning that was striking the ground not far from where our pick-up was located did not appeal to me as far as running towards the storm to retrieve our second car. The only thing about running for our other car that was a mile north of where this crazy storm was, was that there was the river and some random persons corn and bean fields in between us and the car. 

While discussing our options.. the bugs in the field were incredible. In desperation, we grabbed up mud from the field and coated ourselves with it so as not to be eaten alive. Finally, we opted to run away from the storm. Now, did I mention we were exhausted from paddling half a mile as fast as we could in the river? We were now running barefooted, carrying deflated air mats, covered in mud, away from a giant storm that left no guarantee that we would not be struck dead at any given moment.  So, we had to forge the river again, and it was one of those wonderful spots where it was over my head. (Deflated air mat = have to swim and carry something in hands at same time). So, after crossing the river (being in the water with lightning and thunder are a wonderful way to get your adrenaline rushin) we groped and clung to the grassy, muddy walls of the river that seemed to be much steeper than the other side we'd crawled out of. After tripping over a hidden fallen branch and crashing down a few corn stalks, me and my 3 siblings were, legit, running for our lives. 

We didn't carry any cellphones with us.. so there was no way to call for help. Also, since it had been raining all day, the field was muddy, which slowed down our walking. We also had to be careful to walk with our hands at the level of our eyes, lest the corn leaves cut our eyes. I'm gonna be honest.. I was freaking out. I had woken up at 5 that morning and walked 6 miles, then I paddled down the river, then I climbed up the steep banks twice.. now I was moving through a muddy field as fast as I could and I was not sure I had the strength to keep going. But, it's a wonderful thing that we all love Jesus. So from time to time as we were making our way through this corn field, one of us would pray. We begged God to hold off the storm just a bit longer. Half way through this field we realized that the lightning was not just behind us, but striking the ground 1 or 2 miles to our left.. and to our right... and in front of us. But looking up.. there was an opening in the super dark clouds. There was a window of safety above us. 

As we kept trudging.. we kept praying.. "God, hold off this storm until we can reach safety."

So! eventually.. we reached our car. With one finally burst of energy, we made a dead sprint for it and climbed all in. As SOON as we shut the doors.. the sky let loose. Everything was pitch black and the rain and thunder and lightning happened all at once. From there we went and picked up our other car, headed off our parents (who had come seeking us when the storm had reached them) and returned home. 

Cold, exhausted, cut up, bruised, muddy, alive. That was an adventure. 

Point being, God kept us safe. When the river was over my head and I was already exhausted.. he carried me. When the mud was deep and thick and threatening to slow my walk through the corn field, he guided my steps. When the storm threatened all around us and we had no shelter.. He held it off. Because he loves us. He gave us an opportunity to trust.

Now, sometimes, our moments to trust God aren't always so obvious. But the question is... what are you gonna do when the waters rise and the fire rages and the rivers threaten to drag you down stream? 

Trust God and let him carry you... or go at it alone and fail. 

אני סומך על אלוהים

I trust God.  If there is any other phrase to describe how I'm handling the wave of discouragement that has dashed itself on my shore.. it is that. I trust God.


For starters, I turned in my college of ed. application on Monday. 5 whole days before the deadline. (Go me!) Yesterday was tuesday.. I began to stress over the fact that my recommendations were not in. It did not take much before warm tears had filled my eyes and began to make their way down my face. I had to stop myself. No, God is fighting for me. My war is not against flesh and blood but against the evil forces all around me. This was not my worry. God fights for me. So, I prayed and read the verses that God had moved me to write on note cards earlier that day. My favorite being
"The LORD your God. who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." (Duet. 1:30-31)


I felt calmed by this verse and it was not much later that I heard from both my recommendation writers that they were following through and the University of Iowa would receive the recommendations on time. PHEW! What a weight off my shoulders. I was like "wow God, I should have trusted you the first time." Wonderful. :)


Then this morning... I checked my email. With the credits that I transferred in so that I could meet the credit requirements... my GPA had dropped 3/10 of a point because of a college class I blew off in highschool. Those 3/10s of a point were enough to completely put me out of the running for being considered for the college of ed. Reading that was like...being punched in the stomach. Of course, reading that, my mind automatically went into panic mode.. "If I don't get in now then I can't re-apply until next semester. If I don't re-apply until next semester, than I can't start taking classes until I'm a junior. If I don't start taking classes until I'm a junior, I'll be one or two semesters behind and have to stay in college an extra year or so." And so on... so forth.


Nope. I trust God. After my morning classes, I walked to the college of ed. main office and discussed my options with a person there. Right now, my best option is to write an essay for special consideration. The essay being due on Friday.. one day and a half from now.  Uhmm.... yeah that's a little bit stressful. As I walked outta there, I kept thinking about how I trust God. This will pass. This is hard now, but God has a plan in all this.


The phrase that played in my head as I walked across campus was " I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted, not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed." These being the lyrics from the song Trading My Sorrows. Also the words from a verse found in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9


"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."


A couple weeks ago, I heard someone say "What ever we are not praying about, we are doing ourselves." How true is that? I have prayed about so many things in my life.. but as far as I can remember.. I have not asked God to help me with being a teacher. I have not asked God's blessing on my future dreams of teaching.  So, in this morning, 4 hours after finding out that I very well might not be getting into the college of ed. this spring, I trust God. I have been pressed, but I am not crushed. I have handed my dream of teaching over to God and have placed it in his hands. How wonderful it is to have Him fighting for me, for I shall still know joy. 

Thoughts on Paper

I  used to keep a journal like it was my job. Starting in 8th grade- my senior year of high school, I managed to fill from cover to cover about 7 different journal books. Now that I am in college.. I really have not taken the time to write out my thoughts or try to organize what I feel. But, I find there is a wonderful thing about writing things down that isn't really describable. You get to see what you are really thinking and look back and see how God has changed you.


So, speaking of change... I'm a sophomore in college. That doesn't say a whole lot.. but I have grown so much in my walk with God in the past year. When I first came to college as a freshman, I felt nothing more than lost and out of place and completely desperate for Christian fellowship. I wanted nothing more than a community of believers who shared the same love for Jesus as my own and had the same goal of faith in mind. As it happened... such a community did not exist. Or.. if it did.. I never found it. My second day on campus at the University of Iowa I got plugged into a campus ministry. I did not even hesitate to commit myself to the outreach team and a Bible study and the weekly meetings and the international ministry. I was raised to serve. To serve God when ever the opportunity arose. Little did I know, that not everyone in this ministry loved Jesus. In fact, very little of the people I met had an absolute passion for God and, as far as I could tell, none of them really cared either.


That was hard. It left for many nights of tears. I would so often return to my dorm room after one of the weekly meetings, or outreach meetings, or Bible studies fighting tears of discouragement. I spent many evenings alone, curled up in my window seat pouring my heart out to God. And it is not to say that I didn't have friends. Those I had. Christian friends. They loved God, I knew. But some.. they tried not to be TOO passionate so as not to scare off the non-believers, and others.. well.. their god and christianity fit their want for a god and religion.
If you're gonna claim it.. stamp it on your forehead and live out loud, yo. I didn't want a community of fake people, excited for Jesus on some nights.. but acting completely different on weekends. Granted, God uses broken people to further his Kingdom.. but an entire ministry of broken people who are not getting fixed is going to fall apart.
I've heard again and again that "X  often makes this mistake of putting people who are not ready for it in a position of leadership". The people in charge know this. Lots of people know this. But it still happens.. again, and again, and again.  :( But God still uses it I'm sure.. it's just discouraging from my own perspective.
So... after a rough first semester of being discouraged and disappointed.. I allowed myself to become filled with bitterness and resentment towards the ministry and specific people in the ministry. It was very spiritually unhealthy, but I didn't feel like I could fight my true feelings any more. I was sick of pretending everything was happy day.. so I gave up. I gave into my bitterness and my words and actions towards those around me were far from kind. When Thanksgiving break came, I hosted a prayer and praise with the high school youth group at my house... it was wonderful. I more or less did it because I needed legit Christian fellowship. But it was like ice water on a parched throat. It didn't matter that these high schoolers were younger than me .. they loved Jesus. :) Thanksgiving was a good recharge. But of course.. my heart was still sick with bitterness. Christmas break was a wonderful time as I recharged with my family and was back in the safe, Christian environment I had known my whole life. No swearing, no drinking, no smoking, no fake Christianity.


In my last week of Christmas break before heading back to the dreaded land of the spiritually dead, I attended a weekend conference that my church put on and it focused on loving others. It was a punch in the stomach. I KNEW that i did not love. I couldn't understand how I could love the people back at school. I had NOTHING. Absolutely no love to give. None. But the speaker talked about how there are some people that we cannot love on our own strength. But, God has a well of love that will help us to love well. Hmmm... this.. I needed. Although it would have been nice to say at that moment I made a complete 180 degree turn around and was filled with love and was able to go back to school and mend broken friendships and be a beacon of love and light to those around me. That didn't happen. But I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to draw near to God and draw love from His well. My first two days back on campus I had a lot of time by myself as my sister (who was also my new roommate) was busy with other things. I would pray every day that God would change my heart and help me to love the people around me. There were two people in my "friend circle" that I saw very often but despised. My heart was filled with contempt toward them. I even made a line graph.. it looked a little something like


I-----------------------I------------I----------I-------------I
complete hate     don't like   tolerate   like       God's love overflows




and I would mark where I was every single day. I would pray morning and night for my heart to change. And slowly but surely, after a few weeks.. my red inkpen X-marks began to move from the "complete hate" line over to the "don't like", and a few weeks after that.. to the tolerate..and...kinda to the like. It was not until mid-april of spring semester that I really started to notice a change. But God did major re-constructive surgery on my heart.. and I am filled with joy to say that my heart just overflows with love for these two people. :)


So.. as I took those steps towards love, I stumbled a lot. It was not easy at first.. but God held my hand as I took my little baby steps, one step at a time. God is faithful to watch over me and catch me when I take a bad step and I shall keep following Him, one step at a time.


"because of the tender mercy of our God, 
      by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven 
 to shine on those living in darkness 
      and in the shadow of death, 
   to guide our feet into the path of peace." ~Luke 1:78b-79