Doing New Things that Last Years

It's that time between holidays where it's kind of still the holidays but kind of not and half the humans are back at work while half are still at home partying away. I didn't expect to be back at work, honestly. I thought Wednesday was my last, however, I was graciously asked to come back for two more days. Which I don't mind, of course. The more I can cushion myself for the real world, the better :) .

So, what kinds of thoughts does one have in this limbo between Christmas and New Years? Well, if you've been with me for all of the years that I post thoughts around this time... You know that resolutions aren't really my thing... See my blog from 2011 . 

And though, I still hold to that belief of being made new any ol' time of the year, I'm not against taking advantage of the times and setting some goals here or there. I'm slightly inspired to do so by an instagram post I saw a few months back. One of my friends took a picture of her friend's New Year's Resolutions for the year 2014 and it was full of beautiful things like, "read the Bible daily" "love more deeply" "serve with an open heart." Those goals by themselves are beautiful! The girl who had penned them stepped into eternity and is now daily with Jesus, loving more deeply than she ever could have on earth. 

It hits my heart in a tender place to know that any ol' New Years resolutions could be the note on which you go. And to be honest, if I died this year, I'd like it best if my last months were spent striving to be closer to the Lord, striving to serve others graciously and loving well. And, of course I make these little goals in my heart throughout the year as things come up.. but I want them to be more than passing comments. 

Honestly, I couldn't even count the times I've had good iron sharpening, spiritual conversations with my friends or family members in which some topic like being more other's centered came up and we said something like, "Mmm.. that's so good. I should try harder to grow in that area," or "I wish I was better at that.." .... seriously? If someone shows you your face in the mirror and you go away and forget what you look like... that's lame. Pathetic more like. And if your discussion with your friend has made you see yourself in a new way and you know you've got to fix something... and then don't...? 

So, to be different this year... to be INTENTIONAL... I've actually written some things down. (What!?) I don't think I'll know I won't do these perfectly.. but that's where Jesus' has grace upon grace upon grace. 

 I feel like they might be a little cheesy.. but that's okay. I'm rather a sappy kind of person any how.
Obviously, this isn't a complete list. I'd rather love to grow in my honesty and integrity and maturity. I'd like to rid myself of sarcastically putting others down, no matter how funny people might find it. I want to always be a blessing to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to be above reproach and for my actions or reactions not to raise concerns to others. 

Basically, I don't want to be a red flag. I don't want to be a problem or a concern or a stress factor in someone else's life. And to be honest, I'd say this year takes the cake for most times my existence has been an upsetting point for others. Perhaps this year I was the most selfish. Selfishness is no good, of course. I am nothing apart from serving and loving others. 

Obviously the best way to know where to grow is by looking at where you've been. It's been quite the year for people catching my flaws and telling me about them. Repeatedly. It doesn't feel very good, of course, but Jesus obviously has a reason why things are brought to our attentions no matter how painful they might be. I don't think He quite intended that when He gave us our iron for sharpening other people's irons that we would use the irons to poke each other in the heart... but the Lord can heal the trusted wounds from our friends and teach us what we aught to have learned from it. 

I'm a slow learner. And a not learner. I'm not sure what "learn" means exactly.. but if it implies that you change your behavior after experiencing an unpleasant consequence... than I don't think I learn very well at all. I definitely experience deja vu when I find myself in a situation.. again.. but I can't say that I learned it well enough the first or second or 9th time to claim I learned not to repeat my mistakes. 

Perhaps I should goal to be more teachable and learn quicker. Mostly, I just want to have a surrendered heart to God's correction. As much as I hate the taste of humble pie or having to say, "I was wrong,"I'm rather thankful the Lord thinks I'm worth the effort. I'm too quick to give up on people and guard my heart by walling them out of my life, but Jesus is more vulnerable and forgiving than I. 

I guess ultimately, I just want to be more like Jesus. Everything in my heart wants to have the same characteristics and kindness. I want to be loving and selfless and brave against insult. I want to love those who hate me and sacrifice for those who crucify my feelings. 

I want to be a woman of wisdom, always drawing from The Word and growing the fruit of the spirit in my heart. Those are my goals. Those are my hopes and my dreams. And if this year be my last, I hope I step into to heaven and the Lord says, "well done, good and faithful servant." 

Again and Again and Again

The LORD does interesting things to get our attention. Creativity is one of His beautiful qualities. He’s also funny. For real, no one tickles my heart quite so much as my Heavenly Father.

I cannot deny that I briefly doubted God’s plan when I was first plopped where I was plopped. Having been very involved in ministry and constantly poured into and constantly pouring out, with my faith always challenged and my straight up NEED for the Lord’s presence always being in my life, I was quite skeptical of where I landed.

Too blessed to know what to do. Which, I shouldn’t complain about, of course. I all the sudden had no more bills to pay, no rent moneys to eke out, no groceries to buy and no gas to ration. Trying to stretch 3 meals instead of two out of a 68cent can of black beans was no longer my worry. Getting enough hours of work to make rent for the month was no longer on my mind. Drinking extra coffee in the morning to curb any hunger pangs before work because I’d run out of eggs for breakfast was no longer necessary. I had my own room with my own big bed..so big I still keep to the far edge of the bed.. not really knowing what to do with the extra space.

Blessed as I was with my humans and church and freedom and independence, I’d quite forgotten the stress of making ends meet in my time of absolute provision. I can do MULTIPLE loads of laundry in one week if I need to, and not have to spread my clothes all over the floor in my bedroom to dry, just to save quarters on drying (since it wont actually get dry anyways). 

Canned corn was on sale for 39cents at the grocery store yesterday. I was reminded of my current state of blessing as my mom suggested I start working on stocking my future cupboards as my time of care-free existence is wrapping itself up for Christmas.

I do look forward to returning to the independent life. But I cannot deny that I have very much enjoyed all the many nights of sleep I have gotten over the last few months as I had no worries to keep me up.

I have been blessed to learn new skills while being out here too! After 5 months, I can drive a stick-shift, mend fence, put a halter on a cow, carry a 50lb bag of feed across the farm without stumbling, skillfully use an impact driver without destroying the screw head, administer antibiotics to sick calves, dig potatoes without halving them with the shovel, and many valuable office skills picked up from having been freely offered a part time job as secretary.

I felt so displaced, though. Because I all the sudden had SO much and not much opportunity to serve or pour out as I was used to. I was most used to relying so much on the Lord to provide that as I had everything so handed to me, I didn’t feel as challenged to seek him for help as much. Besides, I wasn’t in any Bible study or fellowship that would challenge me to get in The Word either.

Except I had friends. Friends who loved Jesus and lived far away. But they were on the other side of a social media screen and they would send verses and worship songs and share what the Lord was doing in their own lives. I would get clips of Mennonite hymn sings and comments on what one had heard in church that day.

Friends, one of the very best blessings you can EVER give to anybody is to abide in Christ. Because as you do that, you grow the fruit of the Spirit in your life and all those around you get to taste and see that the Lord is good. And my friends did just that. I was most loved to have them pouring into my heart from far away.

Funny, though, the Lord didn’t have my attention as much as He should have. As much as I appreciated my friends constantly telling me to “Look! God is still working in your life. You need let the Lord do His thing.” Yes, of course. The Lord will do His thing whether my heart is cooperative about it. So, as if I had imagined the Lord was busy doing big important things else where and keeping tabs on me from a distance, I fell into a comfortable rhythm of not reading my Bible as often…and by “not as often” I mean: rarely. I wrote in my quiet time journal even less than that and I considered His hand in my life barely present.

Besides disliking my great ability to lack patience when it came to instructing my younger siblings in being diligent and thorough in the chores I had assigned them, I didn’t much notice how my lack of pursuing the Lord might affect anyone but myself.

Selfish. I mean, I’ve probably always been selfish. The Lord has graciously given me the awareness of other humans since I have come to be in a relationship with him. But I am still naturally selfish and if I’m not abiding in Christ, its worse than ever.
Withdrawn, also. Withdrawn and selfish would be a fair assessment of my heart as of late.

I have a few humans that have made my heart to feel so valued and loved in the past months and I have quite come to a point where I only want to share my heart with those few. Which is selfish, obviously, since there have been many other humans who have shared their hearts with me. Who would like, still, to share their hearts with me.

More than that, the creator of the WHOLE UNIVERSE wants to share His heart with me and wants me to share my heart with Him. I tend to retract a little bit when I feel that it was someone’s specific fault when I’ve gotten hurt. And since it was God who directed my steps to being where I was, obviously it was His whole fault and my very best defense was to avoid Him a bit until I got over it.

Hahaha…. Perhaps I’m the funny one. I’d like to tell you I’ve tried that trick before and learnt it didn’t work and, being the clever girl that I am, know quite better than to repeat such a silly notion. Ha. Hahaha.. I’m sure the Lord is quite entertained by me. Perhaps He loves so much to be funny because He finds us funny more often than not. “You make me laugh, Dear Child. Now it is my turn. I can play your game just as well.”

“If you, Dear Child, should like so much to be selfish like you are, I shall work it out just right so some epic mess comes of nothing in particular. And it shall be worse than Hamster Huey and the Gooey Ka-Blewy”

I chuckle. Well, I didn’t at first, of course. I usually greet all stresses and conflicts with tears and panic. But that’s usually because I’m so darn selfish I fail to see that God is moving things around to keep things interesting. To re-gain my attention. To get me to surrender more of my heart. To be the hero in my life and show up and say, “Do you need me now?”  And when I step back and realize that My Love is simply fighting for my heart, AGAIN.. STILL, ALWAYS… I can only feel loved.

“Let’s try this again, My Precious. Keep your eyes on me and do not doubt. Don’t look at the waves and the winds and the storm around you. Do not panic, do not worry. The Lake doesn’t have to be frozen for you to walk on top of it.”

The Lord is such a gallant hero. He has captured my heart yet again. There is no blessing so great as a trial that causes you to fix your eyes fully on the face of the one who loves you so well that there aren’t even words to describe it.  Should we with ink the ocean fill and were the sky of parchment made. If every stone on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade. To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry and nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky.

I know not any artist who can make a disaster so beautiful. I know of no human who can communicate love by allowing brokenness. I cannot even comprehend all the tiniest details that go into making conflict a gift of healing. But I am so very thankful for it and look forward to all the many beautiful disasters the Lord should like to show me. However, I hope that my adventures would come more from my eyes constantly being fixed on Him and not out of The Lord’s need to catch my attentions yet again.

I would like to say I learned my lesson, but I think if there is anything I’ve learned is that I cannot learn. The Lord somehow loves pursuing me so much that he designed my heart to learn some lessons better than others. But He shall chase after me my whole life. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand, sometimes He will carry me. Sometimes I’ll let go and He’ll stay close at hand, but always He will be there. And He’ll do all it takes to remind me where He is and how much He should like to love my heart. And I shall fall madly in love with Him again and again and again. 

This is a Nothing Blog about Nothing

I'm honestly shocked that it's December already. November went by the quickest. Since finishing my driving for Dad, it's as if time was sucked out of the window. Some friends visited me the weekend directly following my wrap up and it was SUCH a delightful time. 

I've been spending time filling in as the secretary in Dad's office since I've finished driving and I honestly love it! Answering the phones, directing people who come in with questions. Completing small office'y tasks. It's wonderful. 

I did get sick, though. Really really sick. I don't remember ever being so sick.  A rough bout of influenza had me running a temp of 102 -103F five days in a row, as well as a nasty cough that made my diaphragm so sore I thought I'd never take a full breath in my life again. That and my lungs seemed to stop working when ever I laid down to sleep.. so I stopped laying down to sleep and spent many nights sitting up wondering when dawn would get there. Turns out I basically had pneumonia. Which would explain why I was coughing up blood with everything else.. I thought I'd just managed to rip a lung from coughing so much. It was really rather awful, altogether. 

But! I survived. With strong medicines and much bed rest, I am now breathing, sleeping, and life'ing again. And to my delight, my cousin, Cara came up from Florida and I my precious breaths of air were spent laughing every day. The week of Thanksgiving was GLORIOUS. As slowly and surely, everyone came home. All ten siblings reunited and friends came out of the woodwork as well. 

It was absolutely beautiful to have be greeted by health and good times all at once. My love tank was filled up as we cuddled and life'd and laughed and interacted. To finish off such a glorious week, I was absolutely blessed to returned to the land of Kalona for one of those precious hymn sings. A sweet morsel of heaven that I have missed ever so much.  

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Beyond the little its and bits of my life, The Lord is doing great and wonderful things in my heart. I hate to admit of how slow I am at adapting to change and how much muscles it takes from our Heavenly Father to work and shape my heart, but it's true. My heart, though soft and sensitive, its not so easily squished into a whole new mold in one easy peasy trial. Which, I hope is good, because I don't intend to be easily influenced by the world. But the Lord has been chipping away at the hardened edges of my heart, and though painful at times, I am very incredibly blessed and thankful for all that He does. 

I've learned that, as much as I love humans, and as much as the Lord made my heart to feel loved in the presence of humans, my heart still beats and functions just fine without them. The Lord, alone, loves me to the bottom of my heart. And that makes me so very happy. 

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I have had a lot of things on my heart lately. A lot of thoughts being processed in the deepest places of my heart. But they are not ripe now... or maybe the are. I have come to realize, that while I don't mind being transparent and honest and very open with my heart and my thoughts, I am very sensitive to how people perceive me as a result. I, for the most part, try very hard to remember my identity in Christ and not consider the discouraging words of humans to have any sway or influence on my heart. But it's something I'm still growing in and figuring out. (sorry to end my sentence with a preposition there..)

I will have some deep worth-the-time-it-takes-to-read (hopefully) thoughts for you soon. But in the meanwhile, you can rest assured that this blog has not died yet. :) 

The Chauffeur Chapter is Nearing its End

Can you believe how quickly time passes sometimes? Aye yi yi, it feels like it was just last weekend that I was having some epic breakdown in front of my friends as I explained to them how purposeless I felt about being back on the farm with no friends and no ministry involvement or anything.

In reality, that was months ago. Before I found my rhythm, before I finally put my hands up and said, "alright, God, alright... I surrender...again" For the billionth time in my life I lost the wrestling match with the angel and, while The Lord coulda chosen to wrench my hip out of its socket...he didn't. He gently waited for me to get over myself and accept that I am blessed no matter where I am and what friends I have access to and what church I have and what kinda worship I get and everything else. 

I have friends my own age. They are miles and miles away, but they have been constant and steady and sweet and encouraging. I attend family reunions every other week via google hangouts. Hangouts  is a wonderful app that everyone who lives away from someone special should have. The joy of working a puzzle in the penthouse while one brother chats about a football party he's at while a sister tells about work and a cousin talks about school... It's wonderful. It's the drip IV that keeps my extrovert alive. 

But here I am, 9 days away from finding a new purpose in my life. 

Well... maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I'll be looking for a new outlet to live out my purpose is more like it. My purpose is to glorify God. Through adventures, through serving others, through how I spend my time, through the words that come out of my mouth or that are typed out in a blog. My purpose never changes. 
How, though, and in what capacity.. that can change a little with the seasons. 

Today was good. I liked today.

Today I woke up and headed to the kitchen with Kolby close behind, since he likes to make me coffee, even if I'm already awake. I was making an egg on the stove when we both saw something small and dark scurry across the floor and under the refrigerator. ALWAYS the mice move when it's me and Kolby in the kitchen. Of course we both squealed a little and I crawled up onto a chair and decided it'd be better to stir my eggs from atop the chair than down on the floor where my bare little feeties could potentially encounter the vile thing.

None too soon, either. For as I stood atop the chair, stirring my eggs, the darn thing moved from under the fridge and went under the stove. Oh praise the LORD I was on the chair.

After that I drank my coffee and Dad and I headed to the office. We were only there long enough for Dad to take a call and print some material before we headed off on our farm visit adventure.

Farm visits are a part of my Dad's job that require my dad to go to a farmer's place and take a first-hand look at the situation, diagnose the problem, present a solution, and then convince the guy how to do it. 

My dad's job covers a lot of ground, of course, so a good portion of our time is spent on the hours it takes to drive to any particular farm. Today's was about 2 1/2 hours away.. which was the distance some of my college friends would travel home to their families. I chuckle, a little, since driving 2 or 3 hours to one single farm seems as natural as driving to church on Sunday morning.

Dad knows my heart for adventures, and he's very good at making sure our trips contain said adventures. He'll make comments like, "If we go up 3 miles and then turn East, we'll go through Plover"

Plover. Pronounced like, "Pluver" seems like a slang name that someone came up with to be silly. Of course with a name like that it had to be good. I usually chuckle and ask, "Is it a real town?" And Dad will say, "yeah! They have a little phone company there the size of your car".. which is the point where I decide I'm absolutely determined to see Plover.

And sure enough, as we begin the drive through, Dad always says, "Slow down.. this is it." Because going the allotted 25MPH is much too fast for a town of this size. We usually slow down to 10mph so we can count the houses and admire the small "businesses" that make it a town.

I counted 6 houses.

We drive and listen to the O Brother Where Art Thou sound track. We've traveled enough times and listened to the album more times than we've traveled that we both know all the songs and I usually let Dad take the lead on singing them out loud. He couldn't carry a tune if you gave him a bucket... but his singing is my favorite.

We stop at gas stations and buy coffee to keep us going. When we get to the farm, Dad already knows the solution..which he explains to the farmer in the first 5 minutes. He then spends the next hour and 55 minutes making good and sure the guy knows how he's gonna put dad's plan into action.

Usually when all that is wrapping up, the farmer will turn to me and ask something along the lines of, "So you just travel along with him?" or "So you're not in school or what?"...I guess my existence makes a good exit conversation. Which I don't mind.

Today on our way home, we found a quaint little diner in a quaint little town. Like something out of the movies. We've done this a couple times in our journeys... found little diners in little towns. Or I've found libraries or little grocery stores. There's something about the little towns that makes my travels feel like big adventures. These towns are timeless. Sometimes you wonder if they've changed at all since they were settled a hundred years ago... but I don't mind that. I feel like I've passed in and out of fairy tales in the last several months.

Also on our way back, Dad and I happened upon a real gem of a find. While weaving our way down gravel back roads, we happened upon a collection of houses on the left side of the road. There are cornfields everywhere... so we were a little confused. Dad said it was a little town, and I was like, "There's no way. There's like.. 7 houses" Which.. there were. Then dad noticed they were cabins. CABINS.. like.. lake cabins.. all together... with docks that went into a grass field. I kind of thought that maybe some crazy tight knit family just built all of their houses extremely close together.. but... no.. they looked like little cabins that'd be all squished together along a lake.

Then we saw it.. with grass growing up all around it... the sign. "Eagle Lake" .... it WAS a lake. ...at one point. Now a lake of grass with a little bit of swamp way off in the distance. 

I know you're probably thinking that these cabins have long since been left behind and forgotten since the lake is all grass and field... But no. I wish I had another picture. The houses looked new.. there were cars parked in the drive ways and one even had smoke rising out of the chimney. PEOPLE STILL LIVE ON THIS LAKE!

Discoveries like these make my heart excited. What an adventure. Eagle Lake. A mythical lake in the middle of a corn field where people imagine they can go boating and have built docks in the back yards of their cabins. Why don't people write books about Iowans?? They'd have a lot of material.

Iowans... people who build boats and docks while surrounded by corn fields. 

Anyways... Upon arriving back up home around 3:30, I very quickly fell asleep for what I thought would be a quick nap. Nearly 2 hours later, I awakened with the confused feeling of having slept over night and not being aware of when you are. I quickly remembered that the Vienna Boys Choir would be in town and giving a free concert and I was out of bed and headed for coffee in an instant.

I was quite dazed as I made my way to the kitchen, and Kolby, sweet as he is looked at me and said, "Uh.. would you like me to brush your hair for you?" Being a little groggy from my nap, I gladly accepted. He even made me my coffee while I ate supper.

I'm spoiled. Spoiled to have coffee made and brought to me. Spoiled to have my hair brushed and braided for me. Spoiled to spend my evening listening to angels singing the most glorious music. Spoiled to live in a big house that is warmed by the best smelling wood stove.

As my home season and adventure wraps up.. I am thankful. Thankful for all I've learned and grown in the last few months. Thankful for the relationships I built with the little siblings. Thankful. Just... thankful. 

Dear Weary and Heavy Laden,

Somedays, I'm organized enough to bring all my things to office with me..including my laptop, my scarf knitting project, my tablet, my chargers....stuff. Other days, like today, I settled on just my tablet...assuming I wouldn't be inspired to write a blog and would be entertained enough just to explain and correct Kolby's schoolwork. 

As it turns out, I've been mulling over some thoughts and I'm left to type them up on a touch screen with my thumbs. Oh well.

Mom says she likes when I write the pictures/ analogies of Jesus because it helps her understand better, and through several Jesus talks with my friends lately, I've been seeing my Jesus at work through the painful stuff.

I was just waking up the other day when my phone buzzed a text message from a friend that implied the day was not off to a pleasant joy filled start. Which immediately launched into a discussion of what Jesus might doing..since we know all crappy days are from The Lord just the same as the good ones. 

I used to think The Lord had made for us a path, straight and narrow and alls we had to do is stick to said narrow path and we'd be on good ground. Any trials we faced came from falling off said path...
No..no no, that's just a farce. In his heart, man plans his ways, but The Lord directs his steps. 

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures, and sometimes I collapse on rocky ground
he leads me beside quiet waters, and is with me when the waters are deep
³     he refreshes my soul. Some how some way when it is too weary to go on
He guides me along the right paths,  though rough and treacherous and full of trials
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk and sometimes crawl and sometimes faint
    through the darkest valley and roughest hardship and most anguishing losses, 
I will fear no evil, I will believe no lie about my identity, I will not despair
    for you are with me; always, even to the end of the age. 
your rod and your staff, are strong and constant
    they comfort me. Because I know you fight for me, and I need only to be still.

⁵ You prepare a table before me sometimes a feast, sometimes a day's provision of manna.
    in the presence of my enemies. Who tell me I am worthless and inadequate and not good enough and too much and reject able and postponable and brush-off-able...
You anoint my head with oil; you set your seal of ownership on me and place your spirit in my heart as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
    my cup overflows. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with joy, but always with you.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me even if I wander, even if I run...you take off running after me
    all the days of my life, that you ordained for me before time began. 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. Because you want me there. You picked me out of 6 billion and said, "I wanna share my heaven with you because you are mine and you bless me. I have prepared this place, just for you. I did not leave you or forsake you, I went before you and was with you. You walked through a valley because I took out a mountain for you. You climbed a mountain because I raised a valley. You trudged through mud and water because I put out a fire. Because I love you. Because I want you. Because I made you. Because you are mine."

There is no straight, narrow, easy path. It's up and down and deep and wide and good and bad and crazy. Like the Israelites wandering their 40years through the dessert, we got our tickets for the long way 'round. Not because of sin, necessarily, but because there are others, lost in the wilderness, unaware the promised land even exists. And in our own wanderings, we find them. We stumble over them in the valleys and we greet them on mountain summits. We tell them, "come with us, you are valuable and precious." And  sometimes they find us and trip over us in the darkness, as we lie crumpled in a fetal position, too beat down to wander any further. And The Lord tells us, "blessed are those who have someone to help pick them up. I am with both of you and together we form a chord of three strands" and he sends us out in pairs of twos, with the same reassurance of being there also.  

And The Lord blesses us beyond that, even. He gives us three friends or four or five or six and says, "here, bless each other, pray for each other, fight for each other, encourage each other and know that I am here with all of you. I go before you and walk beside you and I am your rear guard behind you"

And in the midst of all that, The Lord still plucks our own, individual, unique-to-only-us hearts out of  all of them and works on them just specially. He sits down at his workbench and dismantles them and details them with care and precision. He sees the rough edges of our harden hearts and takes them to his blacksmith shop and hold them in the fire before pounding them out on an anvil. He clips and cuts and remakes and washes and polishes and doctors and repairs day by day by day by day. He loves you too much. He doesn't rest. He says, "I am He who began a good work in you, and I will be faithful to carry it out to completion and I will work on it until the day Christ comes back. So know this, My Love, you will feel it. I breathed life into your lungs and into your heart so that you could feel, and you will not be numb to the the trials, you will be cut to the deepest places so that I may fill in the deepest places with my love."

"My love is big, precious. It is too big for your heart. So I will break your heart and make it bigger. I will fill it fuller and I will grow it stronger." 

"So rest, dear one. For I have called you by name and you are mine. It is not your job to fix or fuss or worry or wonder. You need only to trust and have faith and hold on and cling to me with all of the strength I have given you. And hold on tight...because its gonna be wild" 

"I have come so that you may have life, and life to the full." That is a wild promise. That's a promise that he will take you cliff jumping off rocky mountains and skydiving through inclimate weather and scuba diving through deep waters where sharks and eels wait for their meals. You will go spelunking through lions dens and rock climbing out of valleys. You'll bungee jump off of giant waterfalls and you'll feel yanked around and slightly violated. Your muscles will be sore and your back will ache and you'll be thirsty for water and your hands will be blistered and your legs will be bruised....but you will have lived. You will have breathed fresh, crisp mountain air and you will have drank from sweet springs. And the water will be the most refreshing water you have tasted. You will swim in hot springs and find freshwater pearls amongst oysters and clams. And you will know what it is to live. You will be battered and bruised and rained out and snowed in and caught up in tornados and hurricanes....but you will have lived. 

And it is for this reason that you press on toward the goal. To receive the prize. To receive an audience with the maker of the universe. To climb the last mountain with the last ounce of strength and to reach for the last hand hold, only to find that it is a hand holding yours...pulling you up to eternity. 

Because to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

And "to die, would be an awfully big adventure."

The Real Proverbs 31 Woman

I am not married, of course, but as a young Christian woman, I have been well exposed to the "Proverbs 31 Woman"... or the "Pinterest 31 Woman" as some ladies would call her now. 

Kind meaning people tell us young women that this wife of noble character is our heroine after whom we should model our godly young lives. "Don't waste your single-ness waiting for a man, you can do all these things before you even get married." 

I try, of course. As much as one can. And I have learned me something or two about this amazing woman who has achieved such high status among the city gates. 

While scrubbing away at a cookie sheet with burnt caramelize apple crisp residue baked deep into the scratches, and feeling the SOS pad fibers making their way into the cracks in my hands, I thought about the complete lack of glamor such a woman of great character would have. Seeing that I have yet to make it into the first line of such an ode for woman so great and worthy of praise, I understand that any comments I might have about the woman are probably invalid since my humble life callings for the present time do not include the titles of "Wife" or "mother". BUT! I have a feeling that if *I* were ever to attain such titles, I could probably fill you all in on the between-the-lines happenings of our heroic model. 

^[a]A wife of noble character who can find? ( Why doesn't everybody stop here and realize that the wisest man on earth in history ever is asking this question!? That should say a lot about how basically impossible this woman's existence is anyhow..)
    
She is worth far more than rubies. ( And she can die happy because she is "Worth it" which is REALLY what every woman wants) 
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her 
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life. (This part I'll ignore for now since I don't have room to comment)
¹³ She selects wool (sweaters) and flax (Good for the digestive health, she's heard) 
    and works with eager hands
 that are callused and blistered from all her endeavors.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar
Because goodness knows you gotta travel across town for the organic stuff.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night because little children are screaming from nightmares and ear infections;
    she provides food for her family that she may or may not have burnt while trying to multitask scrubbing the kitchen floor.
    and portions for her female servants who are also the oldest of her children.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it ; cuz it was on sale, marked down 35%
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 
But who knows if she has a green thumb or not, probably she forgets about it and it grows lots of weeds. 
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously; Because channeling anger toward dishes is sometimes the best option.
    her arms are strong for her tasks because hoisting children + groceries + the barney bag purse with everything you need = muscles. 
Her hair is all out of place and falling in front of her face
Her shirts stained with wash water and whatever was left on her child's face.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable especially since its impossible to be skilled in EVERY area and if someone else has skills..Praise the Lord. 
    and her lamp does not go out at night 
because she was so tired she fell asleep before she turnt off the light.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers that she has
 already poked a billion times.
²⁰ 
Her stitches aren't perfect and her projects not always complete.. 
She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy. Knowing she is in need of major help and they can cut some sort of deal.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household; Only fear for the floors she just scrubbed on her hands and knees. For she is wise and knows that snow = mud. 
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet found at Goodwill for $2.50 (It was the only color available). 
²² She makes coverings for her bed; Not perfectly, of course. But good enough. 
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Because she found it at a garage sale for 75 cents
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate, . 
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them at the local farmers market or on Etsy,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes in all cute colors and patterns.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity and sass and a little bit of "Suck-it-up";
    she can laugh at the days to come because the Bible told her not to worry over them and that's the only other option.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom ,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Along with other words that she holds back and dare not utter out loud in front of the children. 
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household like a hawk because she knows if she turns her back for one stinkin' second, some little kid is gonna plug the upstairs sink before flooding the house. 
    and does not eat the bread of idleness. Because she's only gonna eat the gluten free whole grain high vitamin kind. 
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed just before asking what there is to eat and if they can have a cookie, for her children know that flattery is magic; 
    her husband also, and he praises her because if he doesn't, and she works hard, he can sleep on the couch otherwise:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.” <--wise words to say to women when they are worn out. 
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; Especially because of all the work around the house to worry about.. Lord knows that outword beauty is lost on clean windows and happy,  not hungry children. 
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Let's appreciate THIS phrase... wouldn't it be nice if the world counted fearing the Lord as all the worth you needed?? 
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done or have attempted to have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate cuz she's a woman and she needs to be affirmed .

Enough is Just Right

Harvest is here! I was asked yesterday if I like being home during harvest. Yes! I do! I don't think in the last 5 years that I made it home in October very much... Usually Thanksgiving was the time to visit and the crops are usually out of the field by then. 

It's a beautiful thing to drive by fields and fields with combines faithful at work to bring in the beans and the corns before the nice weather disappears into more rain and cold. It's been sunny with a high of 75 the last couple days and between the corn ready to go, the turning leaves and the dying grasses, the view is gold. EVERYwhere is golden. The sun makes everything more golden. I LOVE the color. 

Perhaps the Lord built heaven out of gold so as to emphasize that the harvest is in. Or perhaps harvest is gold to remind us that heaven is the end result of our labors. Either way... I like the view. The sunsets are amazing and yard work is my favorite. I've missed having a plot of earth that needed to be cared for and maintained. I really enjoy mowing the lawn and I haven't minded that the rains and warm weather has the lawn asking to be trimmed again, even though we're half way through October. 

I also love that the grass is still green and growing because the cows have happily been chomping down and staying in the place. At least none has got out for at least 36hours. 

Now is an important time to keep them in because the corn field surrounded our plot of existence hasn't been touched yet. Perhaps because the nice farmer man who usually farms it was in a head on collision car-accident a couple months ago. Dad thinks he's paralyzed but I've heard speculations that he might be walking with therapy. (Farmer life gossip I guess). Either way, my hopes are with whomever decides to harvest the corns for him because we've come darn close to having our cows jump in there and forever gone. 

We've been steadily working on the treehouse. Or, I guess you should call it trees house. It spans across two trees. Dad takes building projects seriously and the youngest sons of the household will reap major benefits. Assuming any of us other kids get married and have children, they will be spoiled when visiting grandparents. We've all been sore, splinted, bruised and scratched via this project. But it's really fun to be a part of, I think. Even though it's a group effort, I like looking out at it and thinking, "I helped build that." I have come to be a master of a drill and a hammer and T-square, level, tape measure, and all the other measure-it-as-near-as-perfect-as-possible tedious kinda tools that ESFP's would otherwise consider a complete waste of time. Dad is a J. He likes things done right. And he will painstakingly spend minutes and hours getting measurements and angles and cuts JUST RIGHT. This annoys me, but the treehouse looks excellent and I don't ever see it coming down in a big storm. 

Another thing that I've really come to enjoy is any and every encounter I have with PJ. 

Peej, as I call him when i decide to abbreviate PJ is one of the senior pastors at my parent's church. He joined the church sometime while I was in high school. He's name is Jay... but goes by Pastor Jay, which is obviously why he is called PJ. 

One of the first sermons he ever preached in our church, he asked the congregation the question, "Wouldn't it be something if they ever figured out how to make alcohol out of corn? There's so much corn in Iowa!" The church was filled with smiles and laughter and good cheer and us young youth knew at that point that this was a man who could lead our flock well. 

And lead he does. His good nuggets and morsels of laughter that sprinkle seasoning into every sermon have only gotten better with age. From him ACTING OUT how a baby roots for milk TWICE in one sermon, to the unmentionable one's that shouldn't be repeated... but are around campfires and cocoa cups,  he remains to be one of my favorite humans to stand behind a pulpit on a sunday morning. 

Even as recent as THIS PAST SUNDAY he continues to have the best one-liners in prayer and out of it. This past Sunday he used the illustration of a shar pei dog owned by a rich man who hired one of PJ's friends in college to watch the house and the dog. (I hope you're following). 

Now, some people might say the dog got out and was hit by a truck or killed by a truck or lost his life when a truck hit him. Not PJ, though. PJ of course, will give it to ya straight. 

"Dockwa was flattened by a truck. He got out and was flattened. My friend lost his job because that ugly dog was squished flat." 

Which made his closing prayer just as precious as can be. PJ prayed, "Oh Lord, I'm thankful we are worth more than dogs and are not replaceable like dogs." He prayed more stuff, of course, but these are the sorts of things that I remember. 

To a point where I play PJ sermon bingo! It's my favorite thing! Mom turned over one of my bingo boards one day and I thought poor PJ might be a little less than enthused but, I was thankfully wrong. PJ loves my bingo almost as much as I do and has told me more than once that I should pass it out to the whole congregation. He even offered to get me a list of everyone who sleeps in church and maybe that'd be a good place to start expanding my bingo friend circle.  

PJ. I feel sorry for any church that doesn't have a PJ. He has never failed to bring laughter into the sanctuary on days I didn't think people were even awake. Every church should have a PJ. 

You'd think the goodness of PJ would only exist on a Sunday morning? Oh no no. PJ is great basically all the time. 

He's also great in that he is one of the 3 humans at parent's church that acknowledges my existence and says "hi" every now and again. And of the 3 humans who do, he is the one that says the most words or takes the most time doing so. Being an extrovert, this is one of the few things in this part of Iowa that puts a little life into my heart every now and again, which makes me especially grateful. 

As I've said in previous blogs, I've quite become okay being an anonymous nobody since it means I can dress in jeans and a sweatshirt almost every time I go into town and get away with it. Heck, I've even worn my mud boots in public. My heart has not been touched to the bottomest places for a long while but PJ, at least, makes me smile enough for survival. 

Besides, God never promised we'd be overflowingly abundently joyful and loved to the bottomest places ALL the time. He said he'd make us prosper. And prosper I do. I have a blessed life. The Lord is here and the Lord is good. Peej is how the Lord chooses to remind me that He is good.

Another really great thing is the kids club they've let me join for the bit to volunteer as a helper in the preschool group. As a retired nanny, I do miss my kids pretty often. My heart sprang to life two weeks ago when on a little hay ride through an apple orchard in Iowa City, we happened to pull up to where my old nanny kids were waiting to get on. Ahh what a joy! It was good to see them!

Anyways, kids club. First of all... I've NEVER been good at basket ball. I avoided it like the plague in high school and never really even came close to touching a ball in college. I have friends who play and are amazing. I have friends who shoot hoops just for fun and are great. I never even did that. Because..air balls, ya know. I'm 23 and stink at the sport and I don't care to impress anyone with it anyways. 

BUT! At our leader's meeting before starting the whole kids club thing, they said leaders should arrive 15 minutes early so as to get in good with the kids by playing and interacting with them. My little sister has to be at church AN HOUR early for her youth group worship team practice which annoyed me at first but I've come to love it. 1) Because that's when I encounter PJ the most and 2) because that means I'm the first one into the gym and *I* get to pick what game we play and all the kids come ask me if they can join and play with me.  

I love this especially because I felt like the new kid since day one and told all the kids I had no friends. The oldest ones are in 6th grade, but I think they understand new kids not having friends and they have made me to feel loved by letting me play with them. 

Knock out is now my favorite game ever. I play mostly with the 6th grade boys... who are amazing. But as the Lord's goodness would have it, I have improved enough to make shots on my first try. This ends up being my salvation since Newell boys are born and bred basketball and so when I say they are in 6th grade and playing basketball, it means that they have 12 years of experience that I don't have. BUT! I'm usually one of the last 3 in the game and this has me proud. PLUS, it makes me the adult that the 6th grade boys listen to..even though most of them thought I was a sophomore in high school when we started. I don't mind, I feel too old and too young to exist here all at once, so the fact that most humans think I'm in high school is a compliment and makes me feel more like I belong. 

And the little little kids.. the preschoolers are total dolls! I mean, they're fairly naughty, but it's so darn precious, I often find myself chuckling at their mis-deeds before I remember that *I'm* the adult who's supposed to be telling them to behave. They are so cute. 

I like little kids. They make me feel like I have a purpose at the church. It's not much, since I only just show up and do stuff for about an hour and half, which isn't much. But it's just enough. 

"Enough" has been the theme of my sustaining graces lately. I like 'enough.' It's a humbling place, spiritually. Like Elijah who received bread from the ravens, which was just enough.. not a feast or a large meal, but enough. He was fed and he did fine.