Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm a lot of things, I guess.

I'm overwhelmed to a point where nothing will come out cohesive well enough for this post to be beautiful. 

I have a lot of thoughts. 

I am exhausted. That is the first one. I am exhausted with work. It takes a lot to work with kids, and a lot of what it takes I've already given and I don't have much left. It's a fun job, yes. But it is hard. 
It's hard when they pretend to cuss you out and just use the word "Bleep" in the middle of their sentence.
It's hard when they fight with each other and make each other cry, and then they get mad at me.
It's hard when they don't listen and make me feel invisible... this one happens the most. And it's the worst. 


I'm tired. We've had a lot of late nights and my body isn't used to sleeping past 7. I'm stressed about moving, so I wake up multiple times in the night. I went to bed early last night, but I still struggled to wake up this morning. 

I'm sad. I'm so sad to have to say good bye to my closest friends. They make me feel loved and they keep on making me feel loved and my heart cracks a little more everyday.
I rolled up the carpet in our living room to pack it into my car for moving and cried immediately, so I put it back. 


I'm thankful. Beyond words, I am soooo thankful. My friends have gone above and beyond at helping us complete our list of things to do before I move. They've gone way more distances than I could have imagined and have and have obliged my crazy ideas like, "watching a movie in a cemetery" or "ride in an Amish Buggy." I mean, its not like those have been easy things to accomplish. But people have been there to see them through, and my gratitude is beyond words. 

I'm happy. Of course I'm happy. We've come to call our list "Our dreams" and whenever we head out to accomplish another thing we say, "All of our dreams are coming true!". I am happy. Deep inside, mixed with my sadness and exhaustion, is a joy and happiness that cannot be shaken. The lord has allowed me to feel joy to the bottom of my heart with every thing we've done and it has been so great. 

I'm excited. A new chapter of my life that will most likely be pretty good. Even though I will have to start from basically ground zero by way of a social life, my family has always been welcoming and supportive, so I'm at least stepping into a safe pocket.

I'm ready. Kind of. I think. As great and wonderful and seemingly perfect my life has been here, it is easy for me to get very distracted by my blessings. It will be good for me to step away and focus on my relationship with the Lord. That doesn't mean I love my friends less, but I want to love the Lord more. I need to learn better to walk with the Lord apart from large crowds. I'll be on my own in searching for a church and ways to serve again. And I won't have a friend to journey it with me, so this will be a time of growth for sure. 


I'm nervous. Scared..terrified? Maybe nervous. I go between being all excited that the Lord is doing a new thing and looking on the horizon and sinking like Peter in the sea. I'm excited, yes, but totally terrified when my focus isn't on the Lord. And way too often... my focus isn't on the lord. It's on me. It's on the fact that I won't have friends. It's on the fact that I will be searching for a part time job in a town that I've only ever driven through a couple of times before (not storm Lake). It's on the fact that I don't know where to go to church. I just panic over the fact that I'm such a social person and am not sure how to cope without having people over all. the. time.  (Mom, if I ever find friends, I'll probably have them over. You have been warned). I think my big panic is that I just don't really see myself able to make friends in my small little town. I mean, I managed to live there 17 years and not make more than a handful of friends of whom, 4 of them I still interact with and 3 or those 4 are siblings and all of them don't even live there any more. 
..so...... yeah 

But over all, I look forward to it. Because my family. My family is the best. I love them all and I have so much adventures planned with my siblings. I will be able to paint for hours on end and make wood projects and sewing projects and anything I could want. I will see sunsets every day and the stars every night. I will catch fire flies and drink coffee and sleep in a hammock and mow the lawn. I will get to help feed the cows and the baby goats and the kittens. I will get to walk barefooted through the garden to pick swiss chard for breakfast every morning. I will be there for the harvest when the watermelon patches are so full, alls we can do is crack them open in the field and eat the hearts right out of them.

I'll be there for my little brother, Kyle's birthday, which I haven't home for in a while. I'll be there for my own birthday... which I also haven't been home for since I was 17. So that will be good. I will be there to help make meals and clean the house and take over correcting the children's school work when mom is off doing her super woman mom stuff. I'll be there for my dad. For my dad who is always there for me when my car breaks down and I'm panicked on the side of the road. When I need wisdom on a decision. When I need a calm answer or reassurance that my life isn't a complete fail just yet. And that will make all of everything worth it times ten hundred.

But until then...

I'm packing. 


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Emotions.... you know.

Night time is peaceful. 

Tomorrow is another day with "nothing on the schedule" which means, it will be full because I will somehow find myself overwhelmed with a million things to do. 

But for now, I'm the only one awake in my  living room without lights. My roommates went to bed an hour ago... but I had taken a nap around 4pm and then woke up to eat way too much cookie dough infused with way too much coffee. (Don't worry mom, I'm drinking lots of water to balance this)

------------
a day and a half later and I'm not making progess on...anything.

I'm hiding away in a coffee shop for the meant time. Not enough coffee today.. so I'm just loathing life.

NOT all of my life... just parts of it. The stress parts of it. I HATE. Like it makes me grumpy because I hate it so much.

I'm not made for stress or pressure or for doing things I don't want to do. BUT what can you do? You just suck it up and do life even tho it can be awful. Right? Right.......right. *sigh* I should try not to be so grumpy.


------


It's not that I'm grumpy. It's that my heart is being YANKED all over the place. Good times. Bad times. And "HEY! Get ready to say good bye to all of your best friends that help you love Jesus better."

I know that God's love casts out fear..but if I'm terribly honest, I'm absolutely terrified of my upcoming life of isolation. 


I realized us siblings are all such great friends with eachother when we visit home because none of us have friends outside of our house. (Unless you count the Petersons.. but they basically live there too..so they don't really count).

My heart is so sad to move away from my friends. 


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Not that I belong in a city. I don't. I don't think I ever will, really. But I don't belong in isolation either.

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Oh Lord. Help me.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

A Rant To Pass Time

It's another rainy-ish day! Which... I don't mind. Rain makes me thoughtful. Also, I'm home alone... I got off work at 1030 and intended to drive straight to the supposed car fixer upper place so as to finally do something about fixing my poor car... but I had already transferred all the contacts out of my phone but needed to activate the new one.. so I thought it best to wait til that was done. But then... that took forever and I don't wanna go searching for this body shop over someone's potential lunch break. So I'm just... hanging out. 

I tried to find it yesterday. But the directions the man gave me three days ago had washed mostly off my hand and I don't have a GPS and my Google Maps directions dropped me out to the middle of no where dirt roads sketchy-ville so after driving an hour.. I gave up and came home. Which.. I was slightly okay with since the thought of having to meet a new mechanic/car fixer upper makes my heart pound so badly and my stomach do knots and I could literally cry on command. (They are the BANE of my existence) I think I experience mini heart palpitations just thinking about having to go through this again.. as well as pure fear and panic. 

I mean... Really it's one of those things where I'd like to just forget about it and pretend it never happened... but my friend's mom is quite determined to keep me accountable (Which I mostly appreciate because I can tell it's because she cares) but it feels somewhat like, "oh hey... You don't like scary packs of man-eating wolves? Why don't I just throw you into their pen 'til you get used to them"

*sigh* But... I'm supposed to be a grown up now handling my own. 

I think I'd handle mechanics better if they didn't think that my gender was equivalent to "car retarded: can-charge-lots-of-extra-moneys-and-she-wont-notice." I have no more arms or legs to spare after the last 4 auto shops I've been to... with the previous 5 vehicles I've gone through.... all in the last year and a half. 

Oh Lord have mercy. 

It's not that I'm hard on my cars... it's that the mechanics are so hard on my pocket book that I just as soon go swap out for a different car than pay $2,800 to have my spark wires fixed. Who does that, anyways? 

So... that being said.. I'm just biding my time to go hunting for this new place. Kinda like everything else kinda terrible I ever encounter, I just want to face it and put it behind me for the rest of my life. Well, that's a lie.. I don't want to face it. But it's the only way to get from step A (having a problem) to point C (having no problem). 

Okay... I shall stop car ranting. I will just have to trust the Lord that things will work out. If the guy is great, than win. And if it's awful, I will just get to cry for  a little and THEN move away and never come back. 

Aye.. I'ma have to psych myself up for this. Breathe, trust Jesus, try not to be anxious to the point of puking. Ready break. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Free from Good Enough

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. (Gal. 5:1***)

I think anyone in any situation or religion has or does struggle to understand the true meaning of this verse. I mean, even *I* struggle with it every day, basically. For myself it is the struggle of thinking I'm a terrible person if I don't spend time reading the bible every day. Or being a slave to an idea that I have to be a certain way or whatever. 

I think the whole foundation for the "not good enough" lie is built on the idea that we are not totally and completely free. I mean, if we are "not good enough" then there is obviously a standard of what good enough is that we are enslaved to or belong to. If there was no rule, no standard, no baseline minimum, then the lie would have nothing to stand on and would dissolve much quicker. 

If we truly let Jesus set us free, we wouldn't struggle to be good enough. 

Since that lie had me in a choke hold at the time I met "My Mennonites", I had a lot of questions and hesitations right off the get go since I am everything short of being a proper Mennonite girl, and I felt like I should just have "never good enough" tattooed on my forehead. But Jesus was in the process of repairing my heart that was reduced to strands, and being never good enough wasn't going to stop me from saying yes to my invitations to sit around a fire under some stars. Because, at that point, it could have been anybody asking me if I'd like to smell like smoke for a night, I just wanted to be close to Jesus and under the stars was the perfect place to be broken. 

As if literally wounded on the inside, sitting and just hearing my new friends singing hymns felt like The Lord was performing an operation and I was completely powerless to fight it anymore. 

The Lord literally plopped me in the middle of the most interesting friend group out of nowhere..,(I mean there's no explanation for it besides The Lord, ) and was like, "here you go, Fern. Here are your friends and this is how you know I love you and care about you."  And they were perfect. 

They were perfect because they weren't perfect and they didn't try to be. They didn't try to conform to any set standard and they didn't try to be impressive or amazing. They just were. They talked about Jesus and sang hymns all the while shooting guns and eating bacon. They were free. Free and wild...but mostly free. They loved Jesus and conformed to nothing. Jesus knew I needed that. 

But the fascinating thing to me was that while the men seemed free, the girls were held to some standard of skirts and head-coverings. I probably shouldn't even blog about it since I'll probably offend someone, but I'll hope the thin ice doesn't break too badly. :/

I, of course, had a lot of questions about what a head covering was for and why girls had to dress a certain way but guys could wear whatever they wanted. I managed to offend a few men in the process of being curious, but, I mean...the only way I knew how to describe a Mennonite was "Amish with electricity".

I mean..I was homeschooled and I grew up seeing girls dressed in jean skirts that covered their heads and cussed and smoked and drank with the best of them. They were holier than thou but a good deal of them didn't turn out like they loved Jesus. So that stereotype left a bitter taste in my mouth for the kind of people who wore it on the outside and not on the inside and half the time, they'd be cursing like a sailor whilst adjusting their itching head covering. Of course I was skeptical of if the dress code meant anything or if it was just a rule. Just a thing. 

I'm sure for some..it could very well be just a thing... But I haven't met one like that yet. They love Jesus, they feel convicted by a verse in 1 Corinthians and you see that conviction in how they dress. 

I love that. It has been super inpactful on my heart because being surrounded by people who literally wear their convictions on their sleeves teaches you a lot about how you choose to display Jesus in your life. 

On our list of things to do before moving apart, Amanda, Anne and I had "make friends with an Amish" and "ride in a buggie". Those two things were probably my biggest wishes and the ones I also thought were most impossible. I mean, how the heck do you friend an Amish??

Well... When you know a guy who knows a guy...

It was a rainy sort of day on Saturday and we found ourselves not doing much besides reading our bibles and trying to understand one of Jesus' parables about the shrewd manager.

But..it was THEE big day. Our friend was going to take us to friend an Amish man. I can't tell you how stoked I was! People who grew up around Amish don't understand that my heart was beating SO fast and I may have been shaking a little... but this was like, meeting a character from a book or a movie. This was a dream coming true. 

It was raining when we arrived at the Amish man's home and we all definitely struggled with words to say. I mean, who doesn't have a billion questions about how Amish live life?? When you have a real life Amish standing in front of you in his straw hat and cowboy boots and suspenders and button up shirt, there's no socially appropriate way to start the conversation. What are you going to say...? "Nice to meet you! What's it's like not to have electricity? How do you keep warm in the winter? Why are you Amish? If married men wear beards, how do you identify a married woman? What if a man can't grow a beard? How do you see at night? Do you only use candles?" All these questions and more are tumbling over themselves in your head as you try to be polite and word them in a way so as not to be offensive. 

Upon arrival, with us standing in the rain and him standing on his porch, he just stared at us and we stared back... usually Amanda and Anne are my backups... in the rare case that I have no words, Amanda usually jumps in to save me, but in this particular instance, no one had words. Our friend who had become our hero and set us up to meet the Amish man looked between us shy girls and his Amish man friend and was like, "well, tell him who you are, what you do." And that was the moment when in my mind I was like, "uhmm oh yeah.. who am I again? What do I do? I don't even remember!"

But the Amish man, named John, spoke first and offered us to come into a side room in their house. It had church pews in it and a couch and I think a shelf with a couple books on the very top row. We sat on some pews while John explained that church was at their house the last week. "Tell me about your church, what's it like?" 

"Well, we meet in eachother's houses and we have pastors. We read the Bible and sing some songs..." 

Finally converstation. Phew! I was so worried we'd be sitting in awkward silence til the rain stopped. 

John was great! I've read books about Amish before, but I literally knew nothing about Amish before this. John, maybe 40something years old, 6 kids and a wife, a humble little farmstead, and a roofing business, sat on the pew facing us and telling us about his love for Jesus. "Amish, is a religion," he told me. It's the religion that believes that you have to be a really good, pure, person that can never know for sure but hopes they are "good enough" to get to heaven. 

John sees it differently. He had a moment that God opened his eyes and he knew he was saved and the Bible made more sense to him. And he loves Jesus.

We spent 2 hours perched on those church pews in his house listening to him explain how free loving Jesus and being loved by Jesus makes him to be. 
No, he does not have electricity. But he uses a cellphone for his job and he has a nook for his readings. No wifi, no fans. A solar panel on the roof of his house for charging his batteries...(Battery operated lights when the sun goes down). But he loves Jesus. He reads his Bible and memorizes in German and English. If his fellow Amishmen call him out for a "sin" he goes to the Bible and sees what God says about it. He feels fine about having a cellphone. He feels fine about the LED lights in his buggy. 

You had to be there, but this man was filled with the Spirit. 

Wait... if "Amish" means you believe you can't know.. and he knows that he knows.. how is he still Amish? Well, I asked him that myself. 

"Well, Maybe I'm not Amish.. I know they'd love to shun me. But I just do what the Lord says and trust that things will turn out" 

After our lovely chat, with the rain let up, we went out to the barn and met his ponies and his horse and his kittens and his bunnies... and some of his little children as well. 
"Can we take pictures?" 

"Well, I'm suppose to say no, but there's freedom in Christ, right? Don't bother me none if you take some pictures. I'll even smile for ya."  

I think my heart could have burst at the sheer amount of joy all of that was. He hooked up his horse to his buggy and we all clambered inside. 

"Let's give them the buggy ride of their lives!" Our friend riding "shotgun" to him was clocking our speed with his iphone as the Amish man slapped the reigns to get the horse going fast.

14mph! John looked over at that and was like, "Woohoo!! Let's try to get him over 16! Giddyup!!" 

... Well, Humble the horse didn't make it over 15mph, but we weren't exactly in a hurry either. 
At one point he turned and asked if I'd like to drive the buggy myself. "Uhm.. you only live once, right?? Yes! I would LOVE to drive the buggy!" 

So he pulled the buggie over and I switched spots with my friend and took the reigns. Oh my goodness! WHO ELSE GETS TO SAY THEY DROVE AN AMISH MAN'S BUGGY???? 

 Living the life, that's what I'm doing!! A life that is full and blessed and joyful and wonderful! 

Freedom in Christ. Free to live a life full of joy with out any standards for being good enough. Jesus is all the enough I'll ever have to be. My identity is rooted in Christ and the more I know that, the less "good enough" matters. Life is so free when there is nothing to be "good enough" for and no way to fall short. 

I love how creative God has been in teaching me how to grow in my confidence in Christ. I mean, of all the most RANDOM people groups to teach you about freedom in Christ... Mennonites and Amish?? Yes... God is in all things and by Him, all things hold together. His grace is sufficient for me. 


***It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Gal. 5:1






Saturday, June 7, 2014

Life to the Full

"The thief comes only to steal and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life and have it to the full."

Guys, if you don't know Jesus... You are missing out on the greatest adventure of all. Knowing Jesus is the best because 1) You are ALWAYS loved and everything that happens is to let you know you are loved. And 2) Jesus wants you to have a fun-filled, joy to the max life. And he doesn't joke around. 


My life is overflowingly filled!! Joy beyond all comprehension guards my heart. All the time. 


I don't think I'll be able to keep up blogging with all the amazing things the Lord has been doing.. but I'll blip a little bit every day for as long as I can keep this up anyways. It'll be short lived, probably, but I don't want you to get bored anyways. 


You know what's great??? Having Jesus and having friends that love Jesus!! You know what we did?? We were watching the sunset whilst driving into the country side and worried we might not get to see all of it. So we pulled off on some gravel road in the middle of who-knows-where-Kalona-Iowa-Amish-country and turned up our praise and worship music in the car as we watched the sunset behind the hills. I mean, how do you beat Phil Wickham proclaiming "YOU'RE BEAUTIFULLLLLL OOOOOOOOOO" Whilst the sun goes down?? "When we arrive on eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together and we'll sing, 'You're beautiful'" 


I mean, be still my heart, the Lord is epic. And then you know what we did? We went 4-wheeling across the country-side through fields and pastures and up and down hills and woods and deep grasses for the next couple hours. How thrilling is that??? So thrilling!! I mean.. people do those sorts of things and they are thrilling.. I mean.. they can be normal... but they're epic thrilling when you know that the Lord reached down from heaven and was like, "I love you guys, and I want you to have a good time, here is a friend who owns a 4 wheeler and will gladly adventure you across the country side in it. And I will give you the perfect night for it, with no wind and warm air, with the smells of fresh cut grass and cow pastures and flowers. I will make the moon to be bright and the stars to be brilliant and fire flies to be sparkly. I will put baby cows in your path and little bunnies to hop and add joy to the adventure. Because I love you, I will bless you with more blessing than you can even comprehend. " 


Because that is the God I serve. When we were done 4 wheeling, We were on a roof watching the stars. And when we weren't on the roof, we were on the trampoline watching the stars. And I saw 3 shooting stars. They were beautiful. Life is beautiful. 


And you know what else? We got to talk about Jesus with each other, too. Not much else beats a thrilling night of adventures followed by sweet discussion of the Father's love whilst being in some tangled cuddly mass on a trampoline with your sweet friends. Nights like those are ones to treasure forever. 


All that being said, you all should get to know Jesus because He makes likes really great!


Friday, June 6, 2014

Life Update! Here we go!

24 days. That's how much time I have left of my Iowa City life chapter. We've got a bucket list that we are working through slowly. It's been a joy. 

My heart is thumping thumping thumping this morning. I feel stressed all the sudden. But I think it's mostly because I managed to drink down 18oz of coffee in under 5 minutes and the caffeine is going to work. 

I need to pack. I hate thinking that.. or having that on my To Do list... last year when we moved in I told Amanda, "Let's not do this ever again." haha.. well... now it is that time of year again... That time that has come every year for me for the last 5 years. I'm ready to settle somewhere for a long while already.. but maybe I'm not. I rather like adventure. And since it took me a good 5 years to establish my friend group.. since i'll be snipping off my roots and re-building a new friend group, maybe I'll just be a free-floater for a while. 

I originally planned to move to Des Moines in August or September and get my roots in the ground working some desk job and living the work life, doing same old same old and maybe meeting my future husband. However, as many of you may or may not know, my father had some major seizures a couple weeks ago.. at the worst possible times ever. 

The oldest 7 of us siblings were reunion'ing with eachother in Florida and my father caught a flu bug just before heading off to a work conference in Des Moines. Due to the bug, he wasn't able to absorb his anti-seizure meds and had a grand mal seizure sometime around 10 or 11am and he was admitted to a hospital. Not knowing he had the bug, he felt fine soon after and was released to go back to work. Around 3pm he had another and was again admitted into the hospital having experienced 2 seizures, bit his tongue, and the flu bug settled in with full force. 

Since us siblings were 100s of miles away, we couldn't go visit him or anything. And my poor mother, down with the same flu bug as well as 2 young children also miserably sick, were stuck in Storm Lake 3 hours from Des Moines. Poor dad, three days in the hospital with no visitors and feeling miserable. 

Anyways, on account of that miserable adventure, he isn't permitted to drive for 6 months. My dad's job covers at least 23 counties in Iowa and driving is basically a lot of what he does. With mom still running a house and home-schooling 3 children and doing everything else under the sun (I think I've mentioned how incredible she is) she doesn't quite have the time or energy or great desire to galavant across the great empty plains that are Iowa. 

Who knows that I have quit all my jobs and graduated from college with a nothing degree but for such a time as this? So! My next life chapter of adventures will be THEE personal chauffeur for one of Iowa's most top agricultural engineers. I mean, I've been saying I belong by the farms and under the stars and in view of a good sunset. Right? Right. So that is my next move. Exploring Iowa one day at a time. Woohoo!

I suppose I'll try to find a job with flexible hours so I can generate income whilst adventuring from pig farm to extension office to all over the place. Maybe I'll start taking my paintings seriously and selling them? Maybe I'll take up a new hobby and learn how to weld or something like that. Maybe I'll hunt down a kind mechanic to teach me the ways of car fixing upping. The possibilities are endless. But my mom is a great example of always learning a new life skill and always expanding one's capacity to serve others better. So I'm sure I'll find some way make myself useful...besides trying to reign in my aggressive driving habits.... I'll *TRY* to work on that.. but I have a feeling that the great expansive flat empty roads of North West Iowa might only encourage my great desire to speed up the process by which one travels from point A to point B. 

Either way! TODAY I go out and retrieve plastic tubs for packing in since cardboard boxes won't be good enough if I end up moving into a barn or something. Also... I mean.. I like to think that I don't actually own that much stuff.... but I do. *sigh* SO somehow or other... I'm gonna figure out how to get all my stuff out of my apartment...and some of it home. 

Ah new adventures. I think I'm excited now. I've been praying for the Lord to help my heart to move on and not leave parts of me behind. And so the cauterizing process here has been a little rough, but at least the bleeding is being stopped before it gets going to much. 

One of our friends let us pet his little lambs the other day and we noticed they still had their tails. I remember the days as a young girl that I had to hold my little lambs still whilst my father chopped off their little tails with a very hot object that looked something like a cross between a scissors and a large pliers. The hotness was obviously to cauterize the wound immediately... but the smell of burning flesh and wool...ugh. So of course we asked how these friends of ours intended to remove the little tails on these precious fuzz faces and he said they used rubber bands. What a novel idea for tails. It just cuts off the circulation until the tail falls off. Not so much pain or blood involved. 

Okay... sorry if that was too graphic. But that is what the Lord is doing with my heart. Rubber-banding that chapter that is Iowa City. Slowly it is being cut off and slowly my heart will adapt to new things. 

I think my biggest worry at this point is finding a Christian community back home. I know exactly ZERO humans my age that love Jesus back home. That's not a very good starting out number... but I mean.. Jesus has been known to provide humans before. Obviously it'll be a time for being humbled.... but I mean... Jesus has plans, right? Right. 

Anyways... The Lord is good. And I'm just rolling with the punches as they come. If any of you have suggestions on what to do with my life for the next 6 months.... I'll take them!