Who is God

If I have learned anything about myself in the last month, having all this extra time on my hands, it is that I am very much an internal processor. It takes me days to reach a conclusion on any deep question or internal conflict or struggle. 

I am, too, a very spontaneous person and very much an extrovert. So, it is good that my I am not totally occupied in my time because not thinking about things is my best mechanism for ignoring anything that might weigh me down. 

Months ago I began the inner struggle of not knowing who I am. I probably could be more proactive about figuring it out, but it's not an answer I want to find too quickly on account I like to think I'm, at least, vaguely complex. But a lot of new questions have come up in the process of thinking through the first one. One's like, "what is my purpose in life?" "Does my life truly matter?" "Am I actually a beneficial presence to those around me?" "What in my life do I need to work on improving" Etc. Etc. Etc. So many questions.

A couple of days ago, my little internal world was rocked (more than I care to admit) when something I have too much of my identity wrapped up in was challenged as making me to come across as someone I'd never want to be. (I'll keep it vague for now since I'm still in processing stage). I've forgone full nights of sleep since then, or even nights of sleep at all. 

There are a lot of pieces to it, but since I've already been wrestling through my own identity, the words hit a vulnerable place, forcing me to make some head-way on my search for answers. 

I've gone back to reciting the "Identity in Christ" verses out loud the last few days. Usually 3 or 4 times in a row, just to make sure I can recite them all and understand what I'm saying. Today I realized that I was still missing a vital piece of knowledge. 

I'm trying my hardest not to make any conclusions based on my emotions or how I feel and so reciting the "facts" or "Truth" about my identity in Christ has been helpful. But I realized that, honestly, I don't know who God is. And my identity IN Christ means nothing if I don't, first, have at least a small answer to that. 

Perhaps I should re-word that. It's not that I don't know who God is, exactly, but sometimes I don't know who He is to me. If I lose sight of that, I lose sight of everything. I could easily recite that God is love, God is good, God is everything. But that's general. I don't want a general relationship with God. 

I've spent the better half of my morning searching through the scriptures and praying and asking the Lord for some insight, since He seems to have more power to get to me than I have strength to get to Him. 

Then I googled my question. "Who is God." I had to do a lot of scrolling before I found something that looked substantial and not some world's opinion on who He might be. I honestly don't care what people SAY He is.. I want Him to tell me who He is. Suddenly I feel like Peter.

Perhaps answering that question in our hearts is the most important decision we will ever make in our lives. I think it is, anyways. And you won't just answer it once. You will answer it every day. And I think, too, it becomes more important everyday that you choose to answer it. I know it was important when it first changed your life, but the more you live your life for God, the more your decision will be challenged and the harder it will be to come to terms with how you answer that. 

Truly, it is easy to say that God is love when life is good. But when you are broken and you are asked, "Who is God?" to say 'God is love' is not as easy. Which begs the question, if you must hesitate, do you really know who it is that you call Lord? Do you really know who it is that you are asking for a favor or cursing for your broken life? Can you honestly say, without doubt, you know who God is?
Or to say, "God is always there"... can you always say that? I mean, I don't want to be challenging truth, but think about it. In the deepest, darkest moments of life, you don't honestly want to say, "This is God's way of loving me."  ....You can't honestly say that unless you comprehend how He loves and you cannot begin to comprehend how He loves unless you comprehend who He is.

I have realized that, even though the curtain was torn when Christ suffered on the cross, I still tend to hind behind what is left of it. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be a priest in the temple in the instance that thing came down because all of the sudden, God was in the same room. Not behind a curtain...but, there. Fully exposed. And we, fully exposed as well. It is not God hiding his glory from us, but us hiding from His glory. 

I have begun to realize that I am rather afraid of who He truly is. Because, when I know who He is, truly, my identity will change. It would be a good change, but an uncomfortable change, probably. Because, currently, my identity is wrapped up in my journey THUS FAR and not my journey TO COME. I feel as though my life struggles and how I cope with them is kind of what makes me who I am, but, they aren't. How God redeems me is what makes me who I am. But I have yet to comprehend that fully. 

As a girl, my greatest struggle has been "I am too much" and "I'm not worth it." Those two lies reside beneath my armor, like a previously broken bone that flares up in pain when the weather changes. I don't know a single female that doesn't ever have this struggle. An insecurity woven into the fabric of our nature by the curse that came with the fall. "Her desire will be for her husband and she will constantly wonder if she is overwhelming or too much and then she will think she is not worth it or not valuable or good enough.." Well, I'm not totally sure if that's the exact nature of the curse.. but it makes sense. 

But, this morning, as I was trying to get some answers, I had this thought. I know pastors are constantly telling us to search our hearts and work things out, but what if, actually, we're not supposed to. What if it's not our jobs to look internally at ourselves and see where we need to change? Did not David, the man after God's own heart, write in the Psalms 139 how the Lord has searched us and knows us better than ourselves? Did he not write, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts"? So maybe it is that we should leave that job to the Lord. Because, I can find a lot of things wrong with myself when I do the searching and I can find a lot of reasons why I am not worthy of being in the presence of the Lord and a lot of reasons why I am not good enough and not worth it. 

But, it is written in the Word before I was even formed of why I AM good enough or Worth it. Because Jesus. 

I've heard it said, "it's not what your running from, it's who you're running to." You can't hope to search your own heart and conclude anything significant with out looking to the Lord for the conclusion. But then comes the struggle that I find myself battling, "If you keep God at a safe distance, He will be safe.. and distant." 

I ask the Lord who He was today, and this is what He said, 

"I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight."Jer.9:24

And He is more. He is so much more. Which makes me worth more than I will ever comprehend because He has set His seal of ownership on me, He has rescued me and He loves me. 

Prog

Did I ever tell you about the time that my roommate suggested I put some peanut butter or chocolate into my oatmeal to make it choke-down-able? What a novel idea! I mean... I guess that's a normal thing people do, I think. At least, she gave me the impression that it was normal. It had never crossed my mind before that you were allowed to take something "healthy" and put "unhealthy" things into it and get away with it. 

I think in my mind, I struggle with it being okay, but I'm quite thankful that I've finally found a way to reconcile the fact that I own oatmeal and need to eat it before purchasing any other items. 

I had a great conversation with the Lord last night. I realized, I quite struggle with being motivated to pray any more. Not because I don't think God hears me... but because He does. The last time I prayed my heart out for something I was convinced was right and perfect and exactly what I needed, He graciously answered and blessed me with it. 

But it didn't go how I had imagined and I ended up more broken than anything. And now I'm too afraid to ask for anything because, obviously, I don't know what's good for me or what I need... so rather than ask for anything or tell the Lord what's on my heart, I kinda just like the idea of Him calling the shots and me not getting my hopes up. 

But, last night the verse "They had sample their provisions but did not inquire of the Lord" was being spoken to me louder than I cared to listen and it was frustrating. The verse comes from Joshua...I think. It's when the Israelites are wandering around or about to go to war? Or they're running out of food? Obviously, I don't know it that well.. that's how I know it was the Lord speaking to me.. because it's incomprehensible that'd I'd randomly think up a line to a verse from some obscure passage I don't really know. 

Either way, the point of that line, (I think) is to remind us that even though God knows our wants and our needs, He still wants us to ask. Make an effort and talk with Him. Let Him know we're struggling. Ya know? But, if He already KNOWS and is loving and all that, doesn't that mean He'll just act and plan and do everything for our good anyways? 

Maybe. But I think we miss out when we don't ask. I know the Lord will always do what is good for us no matter what because He cannot be any different than loving and gracious. But I think He has much in store that He holds off giving until we ask. 

But my struggle is, for the immense amount of joy that came from asking and receiving, I don't even know if I believe it was worth the brokenness that came later. And I'm afraid now, that if I ask for something I want, the Lord might actually say 'Yes' and then I'll find out I didn't actually want that. In my humanness and naive self I'll explain to the Lord why it would be good for me to have it and I'll list off a bunch of good reasons like any child making a strong point with a parent would do and then I'll wait and hope and then I might receive and find out that it was meant to break me of my strong will and show me that I don't know myself as well as He does. 

But I've already learned that. I'm well aware that I don't know what I truly want or what I truly need. Which is why I've resigned myself to not even asking anymore. Well, it's not like I don't pray AT ALL.  I do. I talk to the Lord, obviously. We hash things out together. 

But perhaps it's a trust thing. I'm not sure if it's me not trusting myself, or me not trusting God. I'm pretty sure I trust God. For the most part. But, like I said, when I asked and received, I think I trusted that God would act in ways that would keep me safe and unbroken. I think I trusted that God would not give me something that would implode my heart. But He did. 

I suppose the answer is because the world is broken and even the blessing to be received are far deteriorated from what they should have been. I suppose everything is pre-blemished and a little bit spoiled. I mean.. I want to say that. But that sounds so cynical. So pessimistic. I don't honestly believe that the Lord can't help that what He gives has been spoiled by sin. He controls everything. He can give us whatever He wants in whatever form He wants. 

Gah. Being human makes Christianity difficult. I wish I just knew God better. So I could comprehend life better and be more satisfied and grateful. I'm way too worldly, I think.  

But, I mean, I'm a work in progress. Slow progress, of course.. but progress. 

Early Mornings... Not too bad.

Good morning world! 

I won't get very far on this morning's post seeing as I can only type for 5 more minutes before running off to do the rest of the getting ready for today that I need. It is 6:37am and I have been awake 35 minutes. :) 

I'm only stating that fact because I'm slightly proud of myself for pulling it off thus far. It's been a few couple months since it was required of me to be awake this early. I'm chugging my coffees so I do well at my work today. 

Today I'm pulling double duty, which is awesome. I'ma go pick up some nanny kids, take one to school, and then take the other one with me to my day care-y type job. And then I'll leave that job and do the nanny thing some more. Stoked! Well... I mean, mostly I am. A little nervous. And I'm trying to convince myself I'm awake. 

We have a realtor for our property management doing an inspection some time today and we were given a notice that we have to have the place in "show" condition. Not that our apartment is typically a mess, but we all the sudden began to worry that maybe we're violating our contract by various objects we have. 

Like space heaters. We decided to read over the lease last night and then decided we should hide  put away our space heaters for the day. So, I meant to have my room ready to show before supper last night, but my roommates were hanging out and I was having more fun doing face yoga anyways. So right about 10oclock I started in on that project. 

*sigh* I like the idea of keeping my room in "show" condition... but honestly, I'd rather live in my room and be free. So it took a little longer than I thought. And then I stressed about falling asleep and that took a little longer. Also, since I'd made my bed (not very typical) I figured the stack of 6 quilts would be enough to keep me warm since they were all spread out so well. 
Nope. Still had to turn my heat blanket up to 8. 8 of 10. Ya.... I get pretty cold at night. Anyways.. that me this morning. I'll finish this later. 

The Good Life

Another day,  another week. 

In general, I would count my life to be fairly smooth, easy, un-complicated and stress-free. But every now and again I'll encounter a little bit of a bump in the road that doesn't sit well with me. 

Today is a day for smoothing out the wrinkles, and I'm quite appreciative that I can do that from the comforts of living room with a tall mug of coffee in hand for support. Hardly anything to complain about, seeing as most of the Iowa City world has to venture out into that white stuff. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE snow! But, seeing that I've quite learned that my car likes to dance in it and slide all over the road to celebrate its beauty and glory, I've decided that maybe we should just admire it from the window instead. 

I have quite a list of things to complete today. 

Support letters

Emails

Valentines

More Job Apps

whatever else I think of...

Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed.. I don't want to face any of it because it seems like way too much. I am, however, accomplishing some things and am crossing them off my lists. *sigh* But I still feel stressed. Just anxious. I don't like feeling anxious. 

--

I had a wonderful time at home over the weekend! Absolutely marvelous. Driving home was an adventure, of course. I set off about noon on Thursday, just because I could, and didn't bother to check the weather or anything before going.. I just went. :)

All woulda been fine and dandy had I 

a) Not put ethanol  gas in my cas

b) checked the weather and gotten on the road sooner

It's nice of Iowa to use their corn resources to water down the gasoline and make it cheaper for us consumers, but that's just what it is.. cheaper. And while on normal unleaded gasoline my car can make it from Iowa City to Storm Lake on HALF a tank of gas, ethanol goes much quicker. 

So me, traveling my 70mph down the highway with still an hour to go, I notice that

a) My gas gauge is dancing close to Empty

b) Snow. Lots of snow. 

My mom called to ask after my progress and I mentioned to her that it was snowing and that I kinda needed some gas. She first informed me that it had blown over them already and so I probably need not worry too much. 

Shortly thereafter she called back to say that her facebook feed was filled with warnings of treacherous conditions and points of zero feet of visibility and it was advised that one should not travel in it. 

I mean.. it wasn't THAT bad.. not something that I'd slow down for, but yes for the points of zero feet of visibility. But I thought it was kind of thrilling to all the sudden see nothing and then be able to see again a little bit later. Kind of like driving in and out of a snow globe. And besides... the best thing to do is keep moving towards your destination and put it behind you anyways. 

But... I mean.. the gas thing was the most disconcerting. Because I considered that if I DID end up in the ditch... I'd be pretty well stuck there for a while. And considering I drive a white car.. that's not very helpful for white-out conditions if you're wanting someone to notice you stuck in a ditch. 

In my mind I knew where a gas station was if I re-routed to regular black-top roads where the speed limit is only 55mph. *sigh* It was a little dramatic when I dipped into the red 'E' zone with 12 miles to go. I'll have you know that the East/West roads were just fine, apart from the snow blowing across them. When I started to take the exit ramp (At 40 mph.. I wasn't speeding) I right away knew it was gonna be a little exciting to get to the gas station which was 6 miles away yet. 

I tested my brakes a little and decided that the stop sign was optional. Seriously, someone needs to tell the back-end of my car that it only has to go 90 degrees when we turn. For some reason it gets so excited, it just keeps going...

Anyways, the wind was worse going North and I had fun keeping my car on the road. :)

Once I had gas in my car and informed my mom I'd be a little bit later since the ice on the road probably would only work with me for going 35mph, I relaxed a little and enjoyed the scenic route. 

I actually quite enjoy a solitary car drive through Iowa. I love seeing open fields and barns and farm houses and cows. It's peaceful to me. It's home. :) The more I live in the city, the more I have to be thankful for about the country.

Home was great, of course. I got to scrub the kitchen down, be the teacher for Kolby's History lesson and Kyle's Bible school for Friday ( I really do miss home-schooling them) and then my grandma and aunt came to visit. Eventually, Rose turned up and on Saturday, the remaining three brothers showed up. We chatted, we baked, we bonded, we laughed. 

Sunday was almost as perfect as it gets. We fell asleep to Planet Earth movies and then woke up to chop and load wood into the basement to keep the house warm. I got to make sushi (which I've been wanting to do foreverrr) and then we drank hot cider and watched Dr. Who, finishing our evening with  conversations in the living room.  I just love that. 

I love to sit and chat with my friends and my siblings are the best friends I will ever have. They are the best ones to run away to and they will always give the best advice and strongest support and most honest Truth and can make me laugh better than any one I know. 

<3 They're great. 

Now it's on to the next thing. Search for hours to work, search for income. Trust the Lord, grow in faith. All that good stuff. :) 

Just... love.

Let's talk about conflict resolution. 

I hate it. If I had to peg one thing on the head of the nail that I am extremely, terribly bad at... it's conflict resolution. 

I'll tell you why: Because it's not fun, it's awkward, it causes one to be vulnerable, humble, emotionally honest, and all that gunky uncomfortable stuff. I mean really... everything that I hate to be.

For real.. I know I spill out all my feelings in my blogs, but in real life, I don't like to be all that emotionally vulnerable around people. If I'm happy, yeah sure, I'll let you see that emotion of mine. But you catch me in a state of needing a good cry or having to share something heavy on my heart that might incite tears or choked out honesty... no thank you. I really would rather not shed those tears in front of people who are gonna wanna come over and put their hand on my back or give me a piece of advice that might comfort me... eww. No. Girl emotions... they're not my favorite. Especially my own. 

I'm definitely a bottle'r-upper, emotion-stuffer, burry-them-to-the-bottom kinda girl. I know it's probably difficult to believe since you see all that emotion-y stuff globbed all over my blog, but compared to most females.. I'm pretty mild, I think. 

But...conflict. It's real and ugly and awful and it's the exact wrong thing to bottle or stuff or burry or hide. And I also like to run away a lot... but that's no good as far as conflict goes either. 

Which adds to me hating conflict, especially, because it really doesn't give me the options or outs that I typically like to take in life. That makes it a jerk.. because it's like, seriously, leave me alone already... 
But..I have to deal with it to make it go away. So I have to work it out, or live with it forever. 

Forever is an awfully long time and "at all" was too long for it to exist in the first place. So, conflict backs me into a corner and I HATE that because it MAKES me do something I don't want to do. And I also hate being put in a box or being told what to do. To a point that I could call it out in my life as a sin issue. Fern doesn't respond well to being told what to do. Like... don't even tell me to go to bed by 10pm the night before I have to wake up at 6:45am because that makes me feel controlled and I refuse to be controlled. Suggest it maybe... maybe...but don't say "do this" because my gut reaction will be to do the opposite. (It's a problem, I know.. we've well established that I'm far from perfect.)

You know what has deaded me lately? Conflict. Because of anger. Anger freakin' started this whole thing and now I'm angry at the fact that anger was the reason. (hang with me.. I know this won't make a ton of sense)

Let me try to explain a little, I do my best to avoid being anger. Because anger is so deadly poisonous and terrible and disgusting for all parties involved, first to the person who has it in their heart, and secondly to the world who has to encounter angry people. It spreads SO fast, guys. Like... you give it a an inch and it takes ten miles. And along with hating to be controlled, I hate hate HATE when people assume I get angry at things that don't typically upset me. And then they're all like, "Are you mad?" and I'm like, "nope, not at all." and then they push it and are like, "Really? I feel like you should be mad? are you mad?" GAH! No! I'm not mad... er.. wasN'T mad. I am NOW because you thought I'd be mad. I wasn't, and now I am. 

I get really angry about people thinking I'm angry. Stupid right? How does that even make sense? It doesn't really. I probably have some deep seeded problem from my childhood or something that I should speak to a counselor about..? I don't know. It's kinda funny.. but not actually. But you can chuckle at it, if you wish.. because it's so.. ironic. Or... amusing...or stupid. 

Wheew! I need to take a deep breath or something.. I'm getting pretty worked up about this. Bottom line, anger is stupid...especially in my own heart. Alrighty... I can surrender to the Lord taking a little control of my heart because if HE doesn't, anger does and I dislike anger more than I dislike the Lord. Well.. I mean, I don't dislike the Lord.. ha.. that'd be silly. 

Back to conflict resolution. Even before conflict resolution with people.. I struggle to resolve it in my heart. I get so torn between my fleshly, human, sinful desire to be mad and justify my anger and NOT deal with things, and then the convictions of the Spirit that tell me to love and forgive and be kind and let things go and over-look an offense. (I'm not a very good Christian, remember.)

Sometimes that personal, heart resolutiony stuff takes me a day or two or three to get all dug through and figured out and concluded. But, once I reach a solid conviction on something, it's really stuck for good. It just takes me a little to process, you know?

But then...the part where I have to act on my convictions... :/  ugh. *facepalm* 
I don't want to. 

Because, well, you have to point out conflict and maybe even cause more tension in order to resolve conflict. Because it's messy. Not only do YOU have to be humble, but there is no telling how the person in question will react to anything you say and if they're going to hate you for it or not. Who wants to be hated for doing the right thing? Let's murder the messenger because it stinks to have our flaws pointed out to us. We can just kill them and stuff them in a closet somewhere and pretend that never happened. 

Okay that's a little morbid.. don't do that. But my point is... I know how *I* want to respond to criticism. And I just assume everyone will respond similarly. Or I *know* they will. You know? 
Like, don't you know someone who is never wrong? No matter how you say it, what you say or even how well you express your point...they respond in a way that makes you feel like the bad guy and it was your fault for being offended? I hate that. It makes me not wanna even start with the whole conflict resolution thing. 

But honestly, it's not talked about enough at church. You wanna know how many believers out their don't get along well? Way tooooo many. And we all just stinkin' sweep everything under the rug and wear our happy-christian-life-is-great masks and put on this great show of conflict-free relationships. 
But I mean, *I* already said how much I hate it and how messy it is.. so I mean... who would want to talk about it at church? Probably no one. 

But, this morning, I had a really good chat with the women's director from my church and I just love how she just says things like I need to hear them. Things like, "Get over it" and "Just deal with it." 
In love, of course, but I mean, I wish had that same loving skill to say "hard truth" like that and it sounding practical and perfect. Honestly, I don't need to hear that my feelings have been heard or that maybe I should think about how I can express myself in a way that won't cause more tension.. that's far too mushy gushy and unhelpful. 

But my conclusion thus far is, conflict NEEDS to be resolved. I've been searching the scriptures this morning and I have found that it is REALLLLY SUPER IMPORTANT that anger not be a part of our lives at all. There are a ton of warnings in the Bible telling us to rid ourselves of anger and bitterness and rage and malice and things like that. Again and again and again. 

It's bad because it gives a mighty foothold to the devil.
It leads to evil.
It's not of God.
It's not loving.
It's not kind.
It's not gentle.
It's selfish.
It doesn't offer forgiveness.
It's enslaving.

It's so many horrible terrible things that are wrong. Don't be angry, guys. I need to hear that more than anyone. Why be angry? It's yucky and unattractive and terrible. 

So how do you resolve conflict? I don't know. But I'm going to find out real quick. Because today might just be the day that I let love cast out fear. In fact, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that today is that day, because I've let way too many suns go down on my anger and on the anger I see in people I love. So... for me, I think it's gonna look like a lot of prayer, a lot of learning what it looks like to love well, a lot of forgiveness and a LOT a lot of God. So much Jesus. And hopefully some peace. Because anger is like strapping cinderblocks on your feet while trying to walk by faith and not sight on a race track full of pot holes and rocks and little things that'd make you trip up even without the cinderblocks. You sure as heck aren't gonna be running with the gospel, or even walking with it...you could try crawling maybe.. but I can tell you from experience that that won't be all that effective either. 

So.... basically.. Love God. Love God with all of your heart because if you give any tiny little bit of your heart over to anger or being annoyed or a little bit irked or irritated... it's gonna be a mess. A big mess. 

 Just... love. 

The Life of a Zombie..It's Not That Great, I Promise

I love The Civil Wars. They are by far one of my all time favorite music bands/duos ever. Their music is just wonderful! (Too bad the broke up due to conflict, but maybe someday they'll make up and get back together one day.)

They're not necessarily "Christian" song-writers, although, Joy Williams used to write Christian stuff, but their lyrics tend to be good and I haven't heard anything I'd flag as inappropriate. 

Anyways..so the song that I'm currently super obsessed with is "From This Valley" because it rather speaks to my heart. 

Oh the dessert longs for a river
That will run down to the sea
Like my heart longs for an ocean
To wash down over me

Oh won't you take me from this valley
to that mountain high above
Oh I will pray pray pray til I see your smiling face
I will pray pray pray to the one that I love

...There's more, obviously, but you should just listen to it yourself. 

My heart... it needs an ocean. It really really does. Thank you, to those who have been contacting me since the last post, it really means so much to me. Honestly, you guys are wonderful. Your encouragement is exactly what I need as I attempt to stumble my way through the dark back to walking with the Lord again. (I'm walking towards the Lord, currently..)

I'm a zombie right now. We went over the story of Lazarus in church this morning. Another story I've heard a thousand and 6 times in my life. But the part that caught me today was at the end of verse 44 in John 11 where Jesus says, "Unbind him, and let him free." You know.. when he comes out of the tomb looking like a zombie all wrapped up in burial clothes. Me and Lazzy, we have a lot and common. 

We both were friends with Jesus, we both walked closely with Him, we both got sick, died, basically and needed Jesus to come by and tell us to come out of the tomb.. because we don't belong there. 

But I'm not *out*. I'm the part where Jesus showed up and is like busting through the crowd and yelling, "come out!" But not in anger or furry or even in a "Look-at-me-I'm-powerful" kinda way. It's more like a gentle and loving, "hey... you can come on out of there now. It's not for you." 

So... I'm still all wrapped up, can't see, can't really walk... but it's better than the cave, I suppose. At least my heart is starting to beat again. It'll just take a little recovery time. 

I don't know actually, heart healing is timeless, It's a work of God, who is outside of time.. that is why we can never know how soon or how long before our hearts are put back together. He likes to add precious details while he's gotten your heart all taken apart on His worktable. Which is why we can never instruct God in what our heart will need in order for it to be fixed.. we couldn't ever even begin to comprehend the complexity of how we are made or how we are fixed or detailed or grown or even loved. 

In the recent days whilst reflecting on my heart and if I even loved God any more...(which I concluded "Not really") I've heard another not-really-christian song playing in my head. 

It's a Jason Mraz song that goes:

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even when the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

I imagine that God was singing that little bit to me, and it rather broke my heart a little. Yeah, of course He's just gonna keep waiting for me patiently no matter what stupid roads I decide to take. Ugh.. I'm so dumb sometimes. 

No, no.. I could never not love God. Deep deep deep down.. underneath the rubble of my faith, I am anchored to my God, My Rock in whom I take shelter. I will always, always, love God, even when I look at my heart and not personally see it. Because it's not God that I'm struggling to love...exactly, it's the people in my life that weigh me down. 

But I'm not stupid, either. I *know* that I only love God as much as the person I like the least. So when I look up, and do a little self evaluation and can honestly say, "Yes, Lord, I think I hate that person." or "Yes, I am bitter, I am angry, I am totally unwilling open my heart in this area" that's when I KNOW that my heart is incredibly sick and infected and I have no right in the world to say that I love God. 

I'm not going to lie to myself and think it's okay to strongly dislike someone and love God at the same time. Of course not. So, basically I just resigned to letting myself be bitter, disliking people, disliking me, and not loving God. I've hated that, though. My heart feels like it's coated in 20lbs of concrete. 

And I've only been letting God touch it in the last week or so and it's such a battle of trying to run towards God whilst feeling so heavy and unworthy and broken. 

It's depressing is what it is. But, I mean, any place absent of God is depressing. 

"Like my heart longs for an ocean, to wash down over me.." You know it's funny that I love that song so much, because one of the songs we sang at church today was, "How He Loves" which has the line, 
"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking" 

Ah me. Still making childish mistakes. Thank God for grace, friends. 

Ichhk... I'm still not that impressed at the state of my heart, but we're getting there. Ya know.. it's like the part where Jesus puts the mud on the blind guy's eyes and at first he just sees men that look like trees walking because he's still a little bit blind. 

Stay tuned, I might see something beautiful when I get to the top of this mountain. :) 

A Little Honesty, A Lot of Yuck

Did I ever tell you about the time my roommate googled how to make coffee??Oh my goodness. I felt SO loved! Haha.. so.. this isn't news to anybody who knows me but, I am pretty much hopelessly addicted to coffee. Okay.. not hopelessly, exactly... I gave it up for 11 months one time. While I was in college even. My grades were better WITH coffee so I welcomed it back into my life. 

So, over the summer when my roommate and I had just moved into our new place, we slept in the living room on account it was too hot upstairs and there were boxes all over the place anyways.
Usually I had to be at work at 6am so I'd be up at 5, have a cup of coffee and be out the door by 5:40.. at least an hour before she had to leave for her job. 

One day, I didn't have to be at work until 8AM! So, whilst I was sleeping and my roommate was awake and preparing for work, she got the idea that she wanted to make me my coffee for when I would wake up. Having never done it before, she googled it and left the wonderful elixir warming in its pot for me to discover later. 

AHH! I felt so loved. Acts of service is my love language and it was just precious that someone would even try something new just for me. Seriously..my heart just dances for those little things. 

I don't know why that particular instance sticks out so vividly in my mind this morning.. but it does. And it makes me feel so loved by the Lord. So many things make me feel loved by the Lord. I can't help but remember all the times I asked the Lord how my trial could be a good thing.. how I could ever be brought to joy after all of it. 12 months of blessing later... everything still points to the Lord's goodness. 

A lot of things anyways. 

So.. I have a lot of friends who are convinced I'm always happy. Well.. most people make me happy so when I'm around them.. yes, I'm happy. However.. lately.. not so much. I haven't been grumpy... just not happy. A little...... dead. 

Why? Long story. 

If you read my previous blogs you saw me admit I'd burnt out. By the end of it I basically decided, "Okay God.. thanks for wanting to stretch me and grow me but... no thanks. Really.. I don't need this." 
And since I totally tend to distance from any one or any thing that breaks me or brings me down or makes me feel like a crappy person.. I took a little step back from the Christian life thing. 

And God. 

Not that I decided, "I'm not a believer any more" or "I'm done with following God." No, of course not. I could never do that. But basically I decided not to pursue that any more. That's why i haven't had anything to blog about the last month or so.. I mean... what's to tell? My life is pretty boring without God in it.. so I basically spent a couple weeks hiding from the world and hating people. 

Secretly, of course. I didn't announce it. At one point, I did have a conversation with my brother when I informed him that I really didn't feel like being around anybody for a long time. Honestly, I got hurt the last couple weeks. More than once.. more than a couple times by more than a couple people. And the best mask I wear is a, "I'm invincible" mask... and it gets old. I'd rather curse under my breath and spew out some biting words back at them. 

Eww. See? That's been my heart lately. Pretty angry, pretty bitter... not pleasant. I learned the hard way that cutting people down right back at them is the exact wrong way of responding like Jesus would. 

So I hide... that's my best method. One of my roommates informed me not too long ago that I let people walk all over me too much... but Im more worried about what kinda damage I'd dish back out than how my heart gets mangled. 

At least it started that way... now I'm just bitter. And whatever love I had to motivate me to keep the peace at the beginning.. well.. there's not much left. If any. 

SO the last few days I've been searching for God again. Not distantly or far away.. but in my heart. I can't seem to find Him. So far I've found traces of Him.. signs that He has been there... at some point... but it seems He has been squished into some far corner and so I'm currently digging through the mess in attempts to locate Him. 

It's a process. I think, maybe, I had the idea that if I sat down and did my quiet time, my heart would instantly repair and I'd be back to loving God and His people... buuuuuut.... when you heart comes as calloused as mine has... it takes a little more than that. But! Eventually, guys, the Lord and I will walk out of this valley hand-in-hand and my heart will love again. 

Happy Humpday!!

Good morning, 2014! It seems I am the only awake member in my household at this point... or the only awake one that has emerged out of one's blankets at least. Not on purpose though. 

A couple days ago, I started coming down with some sorta nasty bug and it seems to get worse every day. Unfortunately, this is the day that I head back to Iowa City to figure the next 6 months of my life out. It will be rough. 

Yesterday when I woke up, Kyle was standing over me and asking if there was anything he could get me. I didn't even have a voice to ask so he started with a giant glass of cold water. He then decided he'd make me breakfast and bring it to me in bed, complete with a pre-peeled orange. Oh my goodness, I forgot how nice it is to be near family when ill. 

I don't have any really coherent thoughts beyond this point. My head hurts, I can't breath, my eyes are burning, and I'm cold. I want to stay here forever. Close to family, close to my brothers and sisters, away from reality. 

I never do these New Years resolutiony- feelings-y -slimey wimey emotionsy posts that people all over my facebook page do. Usually... I never do. 

But basically, 2013 started out with my heart being repaired and restored and brought to a new thing. And then it was showered with blessings in the form of new friends and new adventures. Then it went back to stretch and break and test and try mode. The Lord and my heart that is. My heart didn't break though. It just developed a billion stress fractures. 

That's it. 

So  maybe my 2014 (Honestly, I think new years resolutions are stupid) goal will be to get all shards of bitter out of the deep places of my heart. Blahh.. bitter is nasty. I'm even too bitter for myself to handle. 

Basically, I need Jesus today. And every day after today. And every night. And every hour and minute and second and everything. That's it.