I suppose if I encourage myself enough, I shall pick up a canvas and paint something today. But we shall see. I realized, recently, it has been since I moved that I have completed an oil painting. The amount of half-finished canvases sitting about my place is rather embarrassing. Abandoned works-in-progress you might call them.
That word, abandoned, is very often in my vocabulary these days. I worried my friends enough with my strange fascination with cemeteries that peaked out into obsession last summer. I've often enjoyed spending hours walking through them, whether it be by myself or with an other sweet soul, I've just found the whole experience to be peaceful. Albeit, a little disturbing at times when one comes across a grave so strangely marked or etched with some disconcerting epitaph, but mostly it's been a delight. Perhaps college is where I decided that cemeteries felt like an adventure as I would walk from one human passed to another. Always wondering what their lives had been like and what became of the human that bothered to place a monument in their honor when the person had passed on. I wonder what sort of adventures those that were buried had gone on and if they had been happy or not.
The most amazing thing, of course, is that some of the stones showed that the person had lived to be 100yrs old and some only lived to be 1 day old and some were still born. Still born. They have no birth date, just the death date. Which is odd to me, because they had to have lived in order to have died, right?
There's a lot of thinking to do in a cemetery. I've often been told that the dash between the birth and death date is the most important part of all of it. The dash being the unknown of what happened between those two dates. I think, too, about my own life. My dash is quite full, and I rather wish instead of a dash, that my own grave stone would have a scroll that would roll out and proclaim all of the wonderful life that took place in my dash. "Lived life to the full" would hardly describe it. But all in all, I think about how in the end, I shall just be one more stone in a grave yard of many. Just some words scratched on a rock to be passed over by some other wanderer in times to come.
After wandering through near 30 different graveyards in too many different towns to count, I've left some of my close friends to wonder if I might be a little disturbed to be so obsessed with death. But it is not death that I find so intriguing, but life that has come and gone. I would say it is too cold for grave wanderings lately, but the cold only lessons the amount I adventure through them. I was in one this past weekend, and although it was a bit too chilly to linger and wonder as much as I usually like, it was a good walk all the same. I have a handful of friends who have joined me in my enjoyment of such things and they were as delighted as I was when we entered into such a large cemetery as the one we did.
They are also my same close friends who have taken up an intense fascination with abandoned things like houses and buildings and gas stations. I'm SO fascinated with abandoned houses. Like a human laid to rest is a body abandoned by a soul, is a house that sits empty and alone for years on end. It's amazing to wander through an abandoned house, knowing it was once a place of life and comfort. It's interesting to see what things were left behind and in what state the house sits unoccupied. Along with whatever was left behind in the yard, or the barns for that matter. The idea that life can simply just stop altogether is rather a lot to wrap my mind around. But it draws me closer to the Lord knowing that my life will never truly end. It will just begin anew, absent of pain or brokenness or sadness.
I've decided that something abandoned is just an adventure that someone left behind for me to find. And I have sweet friends who gladly explore such adventures with me. The Lord knows my heart. He knows how much I LOVE to find an abandoned place and explore it and wonder at what was and is no more. I feel like the Lord blesses me with such things more often than I could hope.
My friend's car broke down in Des Moines, which is the town I would head one way to go home and my friends would head the opposite way to their home. It's our halfway point for meeting in the middle.
I was sad for them to not have a car, but very excited at the opportunity to spend 1 or 2 extra hours with them as I drove them half way home for someone to pick them up and take them the rest of the way.
We were told the halfway point had nothing and there would be no real place to pull off. We were COMPLETELY overjoyed to see by "nothing" it was meant, "Abandoned gas station." An abandoned gas station has been on our list of hopeful explorations since last July. MONTHS, guys. And of course we wish not to break anything in our enterrings and thus appreciated that all the breakings to be done had already happened. All the glass doors were smashed in and unlocked anyways. The back wall had been broken down and it was very evident that we were not the first explorers to happen upon such an adventure. Of course, we did not intend to spray paint, demolish, or plunder anything as the previous explorers had done, but we were quite glad that it was easy to enter and it was a very large place with much to see.
There is so much to think about in abandoned places like this one. There was still an item or two left on the selling shelves, a whole rack full of travel pamphlets, fully stocked was collecting dust and causing the edges of the paper to curl. Pipes had fallen down, restaurant benches broken up, and the strangest art work spray painted onto the walls. Perhaps it would be considered disturbing, but I only wonder at the story behind it.
From such adventures I draw the deepest comforts because I am reassured that I am not an abandoned work in progress. The Lord has never left me to be plundered or ruined, he has never given up or halted in-progress. He never ran out of the resources it takes to complete the good work he started in me. And He has never changed or aged or withered with time. His strength grows when my heart breaks and his peace reaches the deepest places of my soul.
No wonder John always claimed to be the disciple whom Jesus loved. Because he was. And I am the Fern whom Jesus loves. I am the project that takes the most work. I am the tedious, detailed, time consuming, masterpiece that The Lord is delighted to spend all His efforts and affections perfecting.
And He thinks the same of you, Dear Reader. Give the Lord an inch and He will gladly take a mile. Ask for a drop and He'll give you the ocean. A year ago, as I considered my life the most perfect, the most happiest, the most content it could ever be, I never imagined that I'd find myself covered in dust and ash as I maneuvered myself through the wreckage of a structure some life had left behind. Smiling at how my heart dances with each new exploration. Beaming at how my friends share the same love of exploration and adventure as me and delighting in how their hearts dance to find something left behind as well.
We only had about 7 minutes in that abandoned gas station. I imagine we could have easily stretched it to hours. Taking our time imagining through each little detail of every little item left in that mess. Wondering about the child's stuffed animal covered in dirt, being amazed by the damage and preservation all at once. And all at once feeling entirely loved by Jesus at how much joy one can find in an old wreckage. Knowing that we ourselves were once an empty structure of abandoned decay before we allowed the Lord to adventure into us and make us the most joyful of happy filled castles He can.
And we are happy. We are SO happy. Every adventure gives us a longing for the next. We eagerly anticipate the next thing the Lord will bring us to and hope with all of our hearts we will all be there together to partake in it. We find the biggest pleasures in the smallest adventures. Our hearts are hardly big enough for the amount of joy each adventure brings to us. The Lord loves us. More than we can possibly know. But we are so delighted by every little thing.
And I am thankful. I'm thankful for my friends and their love for The Lord. I'm thankful for The Lord and His love for us. And I'm thankful for every adventure left behind for us to find and I cannot wait til the next time we find them.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
Love, Ferns, Friends, Water, Life.
Hello, Dear Readers. I hope you are well today! And if not well, at least joyful, and I hope your health returns to you soon.
I know it was just two weeks ago that I last typed something out and shared it with you all, but I feel I've been away much longer. Today I dug out my old laptop, that I tucked away before leaving on my adventure to Florida. I'm not overly attached to my computer, of course. In fact, Id be most happy to get a new one...mine is now close to 6 years old and crashes on a regular basis (as you might recall from my traumatic paper writing experience last year). But I realized as I dusted it off today that 6 weeks is the longest I've been separated from it since I was just a child.. and by that I mean, since I began my college life as a 17yr old.
It was sitting in the lounge of the Quadrangle on this computer that birthed this blog in the first place and 90% of all my posts were affectionately given their words in the hours I spent with this dated machine. It was an odd sense of being 'home' to open it up today and have all my bookmarks where I wanted them and tabs I'd failed to shut down still open.
My manuscriptDraft1 is still open along with "How to write a book" google helps. In case I failed to mention it to you, I *AM* writing a book. With no real deadline or whatever yet, who knows when I'll finish? But, I'm 11 pages in and could easily make it to page 100 by the end of today... maybe I'll work on it?
Actually! I wrote a book while I was in Florida. Just a short little diddy about a traumatic babysitting experience. It managed to be 8 chapters of shock and horror, so the publication of such a book will probably not ever take place, but it was an encouragement for me to know that I CAN finish things if I push myself hard enough. I like starting projects, I'm not the best at follow through.
Which brings me to Valentines!! I have not forgot, Dear Reader, that tomorrow is February the 14th and I should be taking this time to blog about my relationships and thoughts on love and chocolates.
Actually, I have long sense put away the notion that Valentines Day is a romantical day. My heart broke the deepest on the Valentines I expected to be showered with romantical affections and came up empty than on the days I expected nothing and came up with a card from my grandma. My heart was made to be romanced by the Lord and He does a fine job of that every day.
Valentines is for expressing my love for all the humans I can manage by sending the most pathetic, badly put together hand-made-with-love cards of all times. And if, by receiving one of my friend-entines cards, my precious friends smile, I have succeeded and my heart will be the happiest. My cards will be late, of course. By thats okay. I'm not about being confined to one day of the year.
The Lord loves my heart, guys. He loves it SO well. I am an acts-of-service love language (as my primary) and it takes VERY LITTLE to make my heart feel loved to the bottom because the Lord's love takes up VERY MUCH space.
For example, water. Water is a love language of mine all on its own because I'm very bad at remembering to drink water. Which is terrible because I was born with a kidney that didn't work and I've grown up my whole life on the one functioning kidney The Lord blessed me with. Now, everyone who knows anything about kidneys would say, "Wow! You must drink a lot of water, right?"
No. I don't. I forget ALL THE TIME. And that's probably really not good because losing a kidney at this point in my life would be a really bad thing since I've only got one in the first place.
BUT! I have sweet friends who remember for me and will water me without me even saying anything. They just put a cup of water in my hand and my heart just dances! Or if I mention I'm thirsty and people I don't even know that well get me water, be still my heart. It makes me feel like the Lord Himself drew the bucket out of a deep well just for my little self.
Another thing that made my heart dance recently was when my friend, Shane, found me a Fern. I have, my whole life, been seeking a real live human named Fern to meet in person. I spend HOURS in cemeteries meeting the Ferns of the past and my heart has always sank when I read of a Fern in an obituary because it was a missed opportunity. I've honestly been hunting for YEARS. I've been trying to think through making trips across the country to track down the Ferns that people have casually mentioned existing. It's been on my official bucket list since I was 13yrs old (That's when I wrote it in ink) but it's been a longer time coming.
SO! Of all the exciting things, I had been looking forward to a potential Amish sleigh ride for DAYS (well weeks and years if you wanna get technical) and I was kind of sad when the weather was obviously too warm and the sleigh ride was canceled. HOWEVER, my friend told me to get myself to Kalona ASAP anyways without any further explanation. My friends and I scurried ourselves along and found ourselves waiting in our car in some parking lot on some corner in the little town. Shane showed up, hopped in the back seat (Because all three of us girls were in the front) and started giving directions. "I found a lady named Fern, and she lives close...wanna meet her??" I was in such a shock I couldn't even.
Where else but Kalona can you just show up on some strangers door step, completely speechless and overwhelmed because the Lord loves you so well you can't even talk and one of your BIGGEST LIFE LONG DREAMS IS COMING TRUE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?? Oh my goodness... there are no words. But Fern was as sweet and lovely as ever. She asked us to come in and sit down three times before the shock of having finally met my Fern allowed my brain to register words. There, the four of us sat on a couch across from her as she sweetly told of her life and how she grew up on a farm as a tomboy and loved the Lord and had many adventures. AND! ALSO HAD SHEEP. (ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO!). We almost had the same life... except she was an only child. But, be.still.my. heart.
I have the SWEETEST friends, guys. They love Jesus and Jesus loves me through them. And they make my heart want to love Jesus better. Fern's coffee table was covered with Christian books and an open Bible and her home was warm and welcoming and beautiful. I hope with all my heart that The Lord lets me grow into a woman like that. With a game of dominos ready to go on the little table in the corner and a willingness to welcome four young people into my home just because one of them showed up a few days earlier and asked if it was alright to bring people over to meet her. I need to retire into Kalona so that I live in a place where people DO just show up at your house. I love that!!
The Lord loves my heart through a lot of things. I realized while talking with my friend, Anne, that there is nothing we have endeavored to do that wasn't one of the most fulfilling, wonderfullest things ever. We keep a bucket list, as you know. And we pursue crossing things off of our lists. And when we do, we dont feel empty.. it's not like we accomplish our goal and are left feeling empty... usually our hearts are so filled we're just overwhelmed.
Like, friending an Amish and getting a ride in a buggy. We did that. And my heart still dances at the memory. But, we realized that it's because we've opened our hearts up to being loved by God that EVERYTHING we do tickles our hearts to the bottomest places. We built a snowman together this past Sunday and, honestly, my heart still just feels so loved. I feel loved at the opportunity. At the fact that I was out in the snow with some of my favorite people building a giant snowman and throwing snow at eachother and then drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie and talking about Jesus.
Because The Lord has promised to give us life, and life to the full, when we pursue Jesus, we find ourselves on SO MANY ADVENTURES. I can't explain it well, but the more we love Jesus, the more Jesus loves us, and the crazier our adventures become. And there's no holding us back. I don't think there is any idea we could come up with that you would tell us the Lord could not make happen.
The Lord is my Valentine and will ALWAYS be my Valentine. He makes my heart to feel SO loved. He LOVES MY HEART SO WELL. He just does.
I know it was just two weeks ago that I last typed something out and shared it with you all, but I feel I've been away much longer. Today I dug out my old laptop, that I tucked away before leaving on my adventure to Florida. I'm not overly attached to my computer, of course. In fact, Id be most happy to get a new one...mine is now close to 6 years old and crashes on a regular basis (as you might recall from my traumatic paper writing experience last year). But I realized as I dusted it off today that 6 weeks is the longest I've been separated from it since I was just a child.. and by that I mean, since I began my college life as a 17yr old.
It was sitting in the lounge of the Quadrangle on this computer that birthed this blog in the first place and 90% of all my posts were affectionately given their words in the hours I spent with this dated machine. It was an odd sense of being 'home' to open it up today and have all my bookmarks where I wanted them and tabs I'd failed to shut down still open.
My manuscriptDraft1 is still open along with "How to write a book" google helps. In case I failed to mention it to you, I *AM* writing a book. With no real deadline or whatever yet, who knows when I'll finish? But, I'm 11 pages in and could easily make it to page 100 by the end of today... maybe I'll work on it?
Actually! I wrote a book while I was in Florida. Just a short little diddy about a traumatic babysitting experience. It managed to be 8 chapters of shock and horror, so the publication of such a book will probably not ever take place, but it was an encouragement for me to know that I CAN finish things if I push myself hard enough. I like starting projects, I'm not the best at follow through.
Which brings me to Valentines!! I have not forgot, Dear Reader, that tomorrow is February the 14th and I should be taking this time to blog about my relationships and thoughts on love and chocolates.
Actually, I have long sense put away the notion that Valentines Day is a romantical day. My heart broke the deepest on the Valentines I expected to be showered with romantical affections and came up empty than on the days I expected nothing and came up with a card from my grandma. My heart was made to be romanced by the Lord and He does a fine job of that every day.
Valentines is for expressing my love for all the humans I can manage by sending the most pathetic, badly put together hand-made-with-love cards of all times. And if, by receiving one of my friend-entines cards, my precious friends smile, I have succeeded and my heart will be the happiest. My cards will be late, of course. By thats okay. I'm not about being confined to one day of the year.
The Lord loves my heart, guys. He loves it SO well. I am an acts-of-service love language (as my primary) and it takes VERY LITTLE to make my heart feel loved to the bottom because the Lord's love takes up VERY MUCH space.
For example, water. Water is a love language of mine all on its own because I'm very bad at remembering to drink water. Which is terrible because I was born with a kidney that didn't work and I've grown up my whole life on the one functioning kidney The Lord blessed me with. Now, everyone who knows anything about kidneys would say, "Wow! You must drink a lot of water, right?"
No. I don't. I forget ALL THE TIME. And that's probably really not good because losing a kidney at this point in my life would be a really bad thing since I've only got one in the first place.
BUT! I have sweet friends who remember for me and will water me without me even saying anything. They just put a cup of water in my hand and my heart just dances! Or if I mention I'm thirsty and people I don't even know that well get me water, be still my heart. It makes me feel like the Lord Himself drew the bucket out of a deep well just for my little self.
Another thing that made my heart dance recently was when my friend, Shane, found me a Fern. I have, my whole life, been seeking a real live human named Fern to meet in person. I spend HOURS in cemeteries meeting the Ferns of the past and my heart has always sank when I read of a Fern in an obituary because it was a missed opportunity. I've honestly been hunting for YEARS. I've been trying to think through making trips across the country to track down the Ferns that people have casually mentioned existing. It's been on my official bucket list since I was 13yrs old (That's when I wrote it in ink) but it's been a longer time coming.
SO! Of all the exciting things, I had been looking forward to a potential Amish sleigh ride for DAYS (well weeks and years if you wanna get technical) and I was kind of sad when the weather was obviously too warm and the sleigh ride was canceled. HOWEVER, my friend told me to get myself to Kalona ASAP anyways without any further explanation. My friends and I scurried ourselves along and found ourselves waiting in our car in some parking lot on some corner in the little town. Shane showed up, hopped in the back seat (Because all three of us girls were in the front) and started giving directions. "I found a lady named Fern, and she lives close...wanna meet her??" I was in such a shock I couldn't even.
Where else but Kalona can you just show up on some strangers door step, completely speechless and overwhelmed because the Lord loves you so well you can't even talk and one of your BIGGEST LIFE LONG DREAMS IS COMING TRUE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?? Oh my goodness... there are no words. But Fern was as sweet and lovely as ever. She asked us to come in and sit down three times before the shock of having finally met my Fern allowed my brain to register words. There, the four of us sat on a couch across from her as she sweetly told of her life and how she grew up on a farm as a tomboy and loved the Lord and had many adventures. AND! ALSO HAD SHEEP. (ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO!). We almost had the same life... except she was an only child. But, be.still.my. heart.
I have the SWEETEST friends, guys. They love Jesus and Jesus loves me through them. And they make my heart want to love Jesus better. Fern's coffee table was covered with Christian books and an open Bible and her home was warm and welcoming and beautiful. I hope with all my heart that The Lord lets me grow into a woman like that. With a game of dominos ready to go on the little table in the corner and a willingness to welcome four young people into my home just because one of them showed up a few days earlier and asked if it was alright to bring people over to meet her. I need to retire into Kalona so that I live in a place where people DO just show up at your house. I love that!!
The Lord loves my heart through a lot of things. I realized while talking with my friend, Anne, that there is nothing we have endeavored to do that wasn't one of the most fulfilling, wonderfullest things ever. We keep a bucket list, as you know. And we pursue crossing things off of our lists. And when we do, we dont feel empty.. it's not like we accomplish our goal and are left feeling empty... usually our hearts are so filled we're just overwhelmed.
Like, friending an Amish and getting a ride in a buggy. We did that. And my heart still dances at the memory. But, we realized that it's because we've opened our hearts up to being loved by God that EVERYTHING we do tickles our hearts to the bottomest places. We built a snowman together this past Sunday and, honestly, my heart still just feels so loved. I feel loved at the opportunity. At the fact that I was out in the snow with some of my favorite people building a giant snowman and throwing snow at eachother and then drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie and talking about Jesus.
Because The Lord has promised to give us life, and life to the full, when we pursue Jesus, we find ourselves on SO MANY ADVENTURES. I can't explain it well, but the more we love Jesus, the more Jesus loves us, and the crazier our adventures become. And there's no holding us back. I don't think there is any idea we could come up with that you would tell us the Lord could not make happen.
The Lord is my Valentine and will ALWAYS be my Valentine. He makes my heart to feel SO loved. He LOVES MY HEART SO WELL. He just does.
Monday, February 2, 2015
My Heart Popped Happy
I don't have much time this morning, but it is February all of the sudden and I feel like I should update you dear readers before I lose you altogether.
I have been going on so many adventures these last few weeks and I'd so rather live in the moment than take the time to document every little thing.. except by way of pictures every now and then. There's a facebook album for those, though.
From Scotland Highland festivals, to nature hikes in the woods. From foot races along the beach to jumping in a river with manatees... I couldn't call myself anything other than blessed beyond words.
Perhaps I find it difficult to write about because there aren't many words to describe it, and I'd rather not blog on and on about the great weather since my sweet friend humans back home are wrapped in blankets of snow and cold.
My sister, Grace, and I took on the task of helping my aunt re-paint one of the bathrooms. I don't mind painting, but I hate doing trim work.. because it's boring. Using a little brush to do slow and tedious careful brushings so you don't paint the wrong thing. However, Grace had The Magician's Nephew on an audio book and we listened to it while we worked at it was most pleasant. It's been years since I last read through all of The Chronicles of Narnia and it was so great to be reminded of the beauty within the story.
There's a part where Aslan is singing Narnia into existence and an English cabby has accidentally happened into watching it and he says, "I would have been a better man all of my life if I'd have known such beauty existed." I loved that line. Because there are a lot of times in my life where I'm so chill with The Lord and hardly pursue Him, and then one day I'll sit down with Him and read His word and let The Spirit touch my heart and I think, "I'd have done this a lot more often and way sooner than now if I'd have remembered how wonderful this feeling is."
I wonder about that some. In the moment, I always think that it's a feeling I could never forget. Because the joy is so beyond all comprehension, you'd think you'd always dwell on that in your memories. But I forget. I don't know how I manage to forget so quickly, but I do. But it makes the moment I remember so glorious all over again. But I really wish I'd remember.
But, yesterday, a beautiful thing happened. We took a boat ride to an island and the first thing we saw was a sign that told about all the different things we could see. Manatee was on the list and oh how I've WANTED to meet a manatee or see a glimpse of one in real life. I was so determined. I prayed for it and we hunted all over the island to try and find the water coast where people said they could be seen. We bush-whacked and hiked and saw the most beautiful nature. After an hour we stopped to rest and picnic after we'd found the coast we wanted but no manatee seemed to be present. We were just planning that we'd give up the search and hammock somewhere when a young man walked slowly up to where we had settled ourselves. He was volunteering with the people who remove invasive species, so perhaps he was intended to go pull weeds behind us, but my aunt was quick to engage him in conversation and asked about what he does and such. It took no effort for her to turn the conversation spiritual as all she had to do was ask, "So with all this beautiful nature, do you think it's a created world or an evolved world?" And like that, the man was talking of his beliefs.
Before long he was sitting cross-legged on the ground with my aunt as she took him through the whole Gospel message and before we stood back up again, he had prayed to accept Christ. I was only a little sad that we saw no manatee, but obviously better things happened. I just prayed I'd see one as we boated out.
We arrived on the dock to board the boat when some man was so kind to tell us we'd JUST MISSED two manatee swimming by. WHY DO PEOPLE TELL YOU THOSE THINGS WHEN THEY KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?
I think everyone probably could tell I wanted to see one.. maybe it was obvious because I'd started praying out loud for them.. but the captain was all in the know and he kept a close eye out for them as we chugged ourselves along the canal. My cousins were praying for it too, knowing how my heart was so set on it, and so when there was signs of a manatee in the water, we all got really excited. The captain turned the boat off and I caught a glimpse of the manatee's nose, just barely. The captain turned the boat around for us, but it was gone.
What a nice captain. He was probably in his late 20s, and obviously there were other passengers on our boat besides us, but I think the fact that we were 6 ladies probably worked to our advantage a little.
So it was no surprised when we were just pulling into our own canal to dock and caught a glimpse of a dolphin just down the way, he delayed docking a bit longer and chased down the dolphin and brought us just up to it and it swam under our boat. My heart was happy at that point. But my aunt was still up for hunting down a better view of manatee for me.
We first tried a small canal that had a sign about not feeding the manatee and there was a little girl and two men looking for manatee there as well. One of the men told us there was a bridge on the highway just a mile away and sometimes you could see manatee there. We thanked him and piled back in the van and prayed our last hope. We saw people with their phones out looking over the bridge, so I had a lot of hope for this time. We ran over the bridge and I couldn't believe it. About 30 manatee were just chilling. AND SOME OF THEM HAD BABIES!! My cousin and I figured that they wouldn't have made a fence so low if they didn't want people to climb over it so we jumped over the fence scurried down the the bank and met them close up. My cousin took off her shoes and crawled in with them, and then I did that too... you only live once, you know? But the manatee swam away. We were seconds away from just swimming after them, but our aunt cautioned the $1000 fine should we attempt to ride one like we planned. But my heart was bursting happy anyways! All of my prayers answered in one canal. Kinda like when you hit the print button and don't get a response so you click it a lot more times and then you get a billion copies of the one page you needed. SO MUCH MANATEE! Yay!!!
Then, on the way home, we stopped for boiled peanuts (which were on my bucket list for before i left) and the man also had my very favorite fruit ever!! I was going to buy one or two before he ever even offered me to sample it, but as I retrieved my wallet from the van, he cut one up to see if we liked it. I got two... then he brought the price down so I got four.. then he packed up the one he cut up for me and let me have it for free to eat on the way home. BE.STILL.MY.HEART. The Lord is so good to me.
There's a lot more I could say, but I'll leave you with that stories and hopefully will see many of you in person soon, and I shall tell you of my adventures then.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
More Florida
I'm waiting on the arrival of a new keyboard and have really avoided blogging in the mean while. I've thought about anecdotal stories about my life here..as you may have noticed from the last blog...but as exciting as it all is, I can't seem to form it into some any sort of description that would convey it as such. But it has been one grand adventure.
I often find myself in wonder at where I find myself presently and imagine what it would been like if my past self was told what was coming ahead of time. For example, on Sunday night I baby sat the children of a couple I met my freshman year at Iowa. They were on staff with cru at the good ol U of I and so I, of course, interacted with them multiple times. Even after I left cru, even. Last year as I lived my nanny life in Iowa City, I occasionally worked at a church day care...where I watched the youngest of the three I baby sat Sunday. Driving through the neighborhood gate and pulling in to their parking space Sunday was such a weird moment where my far away Florida life all the sudden collided with my former Iowa City life. What an odd feeling to see Univeristy of Iowa people in Florida. If someone told me last year as I scraped ice off my car in preparation for heading to baby sit at Parkview church in Iowa City that I'd be watching the same little girl at her home in Orlando, Florida..I probably would never have believed it. But as it was, I guess they moved here and then I showed up here and the dad somehow contacted my cousin for a baby sitter and my cousin was busy with church stuff and asked if I'd like to and it was like..,"uhh.. I know them already."
So that was crazy. Small world, I guess.
I often find myself in wonder at where I find myself presently and imagine what it would been like if my past self was told what was coming ahead of time. For example, on Sunday night I baby sat the children of a couple I met my freshman year at Iowa. They were on staff with cru at the good ol U of I and so I, of course, interacted with them multiple times. Even after I left cru, even. Last year as I lived my nanny life in Iowa City, I occasionally worked at a church day care...where I watched the youngest of the three I baby sat Sunday. Driving through the neighborhood gate and pulling in to their parking space Sunday was such a weird moment where my far away Florida life all the sudden collided with my former Iowa City life. What an odd feeling to see Univeristy of Iowa people in Florida. If someone told me last year as I scraped ice off my car in preparation for heading to baby sit at Parkview church in Iowa City that I'd be watching the same little girl at her home in Orlando, Florida..I probably would never have believed it. But as it was, I guess they moved here and then I showed up here and the dad somehow contacted my cousin for a baby sitter and my cousin was busy with church stuff and asked if I'd like to and it was like..,"uhh.. I know them already."
So that was crazy. Small world, I guess.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Incomplete thoughts
Happy 2015, everybody! From what I hear, the year is starting off white and fluffy and cold as can be for my world in The Midwest. As I sip my coffee by the open window, drinking in the smell of brisk 65degrees and fresh cut grass, I'm all too thankful to have migrated South just before the
Snowpocolipse. My next adventure finds me in Orlando, mostly hiding from the sub-zero, snow covered, wind blown, nothing but white freezing Iowa that usually brings on some sort of stuck-forever feelings of depression right about now.
My knowledge of the northern, colder world is only a distant thing at this point, but for my readers who live there, trapped indoors and waiting for a mythical spring that is much like a unicorn, I shall entertain you with some stories of my adventures this far, in case scrolling through Facebook for the sixteenth time in a row has lost its appeal.
First of all, upon my arrival into my cousins' driveway, I heard greetings and welcomings coming from on top the roof. That is where my youngest cousin was sitting by a pipe/vent thing, assigned to pull out dryer lint in order to help their dryer to run better. Leaving her, I went in the house to greet my other cousins and chatter and take we're-back-together-selfies and catch up on life. An hour later, my youngest appeared in the kitchen, explaining that she'd been stuck on the roof all the while and we had quite forgotten about her.
The next day was sunny and warm and the perfect day for a nap on the beach by the ocean. Which was just what was done. My cousin, Carissa, read the book of James over us and I managed to stay awake for all of it up to the last sentence and then I was fast asleep atop a bed of warm sand, with a blanket of sunshine. The Lord was there and tickled my heart in a sweet, precious way. When we all awoke 30 minutes or so later, Cara suggested a walk along the shore, which was great. We avoided stepping on the washed up jelly fish and plant things, and watched the surfers and fishermen and the
kitesurfers.
Instead of building a traditional sand castle, we built a sand tractor, a sand pig, and sand barn. Obviously because, you can take a girl out of Iowa, but you can't take Iowa out of the girl. Our beach sculptures brought admirers, of course, with little children trying to copy ours and asking there mommy how to make a castle as big as "those other girls'". One man came over and took pictures, saying it was just the scene his little nephews would have enjoyed and that he missed them quite a bit. When we had taken enough pictures of our little Iowa scene, we told the little girls they could have our sand creations if they wanted, which they were thoroughly thrilled about and celebrated by jumping straight on top the barn and using the large mound of sand to cover their legs.
On Sunday, we had home church and I got to debut my ukulele and help lead the worship portion. I loved the discussion we had on Elijah and our family prayer over each other. This first week went by fairly quickly. My cousins go to school during the day, so I spent some of my afternoons reading, which I've rather enjoyed.
-----------
Snowpocolipse. My next adventure finds me in Orlando, mostly hiding from the sub-zero, snow covered, wind blown, nothing but white freezing Iowa that usually brings on some sort of stuck-forever feelings of depression right about now.
My knowledge of the northern, colder world is only a distant thing at this point, but for my readers who live there, trapped indoors and waiting for a mythical spring that is much like a unicorn, I shall entertain you with some stories of my adventures this far, in case scrolling through Facebook for the sixteenth time in a row has lost its appeal.
First of all, upon my arrival into my cousins' driveway, I heard greetings and welcomings coming from on top the roof. That is where my youngest cousin was sitting by a pipe/vent thing, assigned to pull out dryer lint in order to help their dryer to run better. Leaving her, I went in the house to greet my other cousins and chatter and take we're-back-together-selfies and catch up on life. An hour later, my youngest appeared in the kitchen, explaining that she'd been stuck on the roof all the while and we had quite forgotten about her.
The next day was sunny and warm and the perfect day for a nap on the beach by the ocean. Which was just what was done. My cousin, Carissa, read the book of James over us and I managed to stay awake for all of it up to the last sentence and then I was fast asleep atop a bed of warm sand, with a blanket of sunshine. The Lord was there and tickled my heart in a sweet, precious way. When we all awoke 30 minutes or so later, Cara suggested a walk along the shore, which was great. We avoided stepping on the washed up jelly fish and plant things, and watched the surfers and fishermen and the
kitesurfers.
Instead of building a traditional sand castle, we built a sand tractor, a sand pig, and sand barn. Obviously because, you can take a girl out of Iowa, but you can't take Iowa out of the girl. Our beach sculptures brought admirers, of course, with little children trying to copy ours and asking there mommy how to make a castle as big as "those other girls'". One man came over and took pictures, saying it was just the scene his little nephews would have enjoyed and that he missed them quite a bit. When we had taken enough pictures of our little Iowa scene, we told the little girls they could have our sand creations if they wanted, which they were thoroughly thrilled about and celebrated by jumping straight on top the barn and using the large mound of sand to cover their legs.
On Sunday, we had home church and I got to debut my ukulele and help lead the worship portion. I loved the discussion we had on Elijah and our family prayer over each other. This first week went by fairly quickly. My cousins go to school during the day, so I spent some of my afternoons reading, which I've rather enjoyed.
-----------
Monday, December 29, 2014
Doing New Things that Last Years
It's that time between holidays where it's kind of still the holidays but kind of not and half the humans are back at work while half are still at home partying away. I didn't expect to be back at work, honestly. I thought Wednesday was my last, however, I was graciously asked to come back for two more days. Which I don't mind, of course. The more I can cushion myself for the real world, the better :) .
So, what kinds of thoughts does one have in this limbo between Christmas and New Years? Well, if you've been with me for all of the years that I post thoughts around this time... You know that resolutions aren't really my thing... See my blog from 2011 .
And though, I still hold to that belief of being made new any ol' time of the year, I'm not against taking advantage of the times and setting some goals here or there. I'm slightly inspired to do so by an instagram post I saw a few months back. One of my friends took a picture of her friend's New Year's Resolutions for the year 2014 and it was full of beautiful things like, "read the Bible daily" "love more deeply" "serve with an open heart." Those goals by themselves are beautiful! The girl who had penned them stepped into eternity and is now daily with Jesus, loving more deeply than she ever could have on earth.
It hits my heart in a tender place to know that any ol' New Years resolutions could be the note on which you go. And to be honest, if I died this year, I'd like it best if my last months were spent striving to be closer to the Lord, striving to serve others graciously and loving well. And, of course I make these little goals in my heart throughout the year as things come up.. but I want them to be more than passing comments.
Honestly, I couldn't even count the times I've had good iron sharpening, spiritual conversations with my friends or family members in which some topic like being more other's centered came up and we said something like, "Mmm.. that's so good. I should try harder to grow in that area," or "I wish I was better at that.." .... seriously? If someone shows you your face in the mirror and you go away and forget what you look like... that's lame. Pathetic more like. And if your discussion with your friend has made you see yourself in a new way and you know you've got to fix something... and then don't...?
So, to be different this year... to be INTENTIONAL... I've actually written some things down. (What!?) Idon't think I'll know I won't do these perfectly.. but that's where Jesus' has grace upon grace upon grace.
I feel like they might be a little cheesy.. but that's okay. I'm rather a sappy kind of person any how.
Obviously, this isn't a complete list. I'd rather love to grow in my honesty and integrity and maturity. I'd like to rid myself of sarcastically putting others down, no matter how funny people might find it. I want to always be a blessing to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to be above reproach and for my actions or reactions not to raise concerns to others.
Basically, I don't want to be a red flag. I don't want to be a problem or a concern or a stress factor in someone else's life. And to be honest, I'd say this year takes the cake for most times my existence has been an upsetting point for others. Perhaps this year I was the most selfish. Selfishness is no good, of course. I am nothing apart from serving and loving others.
Obviously the best way to know where to grow is by looking at where you've been. It's been quite the year for people catching my flaws and telling me about them. Repeatedly. It doesn't feel very good, of course, but Jesus obviously has a reason why things are brought to our attentions no matter how painful they might be. I don't think He quite intended that when He gave us our iron for sharpening other people's irons that we would use the irons to poke each other in the heart... but the Lord can heal the trusted wounds from our friends and teach us what we aught to have learned from it.
I'm a slow learner. And a not learner. I'm not sure what "learn" means exactly.. but if it implies that you change your behavior after experiencing an unpleasant consequence... than I don't think I learn very well at all. I definitely experience deja vu when I find myself in a situation.. again.. but I can't say that I learned it well enough the first or second or 9th time to claim I learned not to repeat my mistakes.
Perhaps I should goal to be more teachable and learn quicker. Mostly, I just want to have a surrendered heart to God's correction. As much as I hate the taste of humble pie or having to say, "I was wrong,"I'm rather thankful the Lord thinks I'm worth the effort. I'm too quick to give up on people and guard my heart by walling them out of my life, but Jesus is more vulnerable and forgiving than I.
I guess ultimately, I just want to be more like Jesus. Everything in my heart wants to have the same characteristics and kindness. I want to be loving and selfless and brave against insult. I want to love those who hate me and sacrifice for those who crucify my feelings.
I want to be a woman of wisdom, always drawing from The Word and growing the fruit of the spirit in my heart. Those are my goals. Those are my hopes and my dreams. And if this year be my last, I hope I step into to heaven and the Lord says, "well done, good and faithful servant."
So, what kinds of thoughts does one have in this limbo between Christmas and New Years? Well, if you've been with me for all of the years that I post thoughts around this time... You know that resolutions aren't really my thing... See my blog from 2011 .
And though, I still hold to that belief of being made new any ol' time of the year, I'm not against taking advantage of the times and setting some goals here or there. I'm slightly inspired to do so by an instagram post I saw a few months back. One of my friends took a picture of her friend's New Year's Resolutions for the year 2014 and it was full of beautiful things like, "read the Bible daily" "love more deeply" "serve with an open heart." Those goals by themselves are beautiful! The girl who had penned them stepped into eternity and is now daily with Jesus, loving more deeply than she ever could have on earth.
It hits my heart in a tender place to know that any ol' New Years resolutions could be the note on which you go. And to be honest, if I died this year, I'd like it best if my last months were spent striving to be closer to the Lord, striving to serve others graciously and loving well. And, of course I make these little goals in my heart throughout the year as things come up.. but I want them to be more than passing comments.
Honestly, I couldn't even count the times I've had good iron sharpening, spiritual conversations with my friends or family members in which some topic like being more other's centered came up and we said something like, "Mmm.. that's so good. I should try harder to grow in that area," or "I wish I was better at that.." .... seriously? If someone shows you your face in the mirror and you go away and forget what you look like... that's lame. Pathetic more like. And if your discussion with your friend has made you see yourself in a new way and you know you've got to fix something... and then don't...?
So, to be different this year... to be INTENTIONAL... I've actually written some things down. (What!?) I
Obviously, this isn't a complete list. I'd rather love to grow in my honesty and integrity and maturity. I'd like to rid myself of sarcastically putting others down, no matter how funny people might find it. I want to always be a blessing to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to be above reproach and for my actions or reactions not to raise concerns to others.
Basically, I don't want to be a red flag. I don't want to be a problem or a concern or a stress factor in someone else's life. And to be honest, I'd say this year takes the cake for most times my existence has been an upsetting point for others. Perhaps this year I was the most selfish. Selfishness is no good, of course. I am nothing apart from serving and loving others.
Obviously the best way to know where to grow is by looking at where you've been. It's been quite the year for people catching my flaws and telling me about them. Repeatedly. It doesn't feel very good, of course, but Jesus obviously has a reason why things are brought to our attentions no matter how painful they might be. I don't think He quite intended that when He gave us our iron for sharpening other people's irons that we would use the irons to poke each other in the heart... but the Lord can heal the trusted wounds from our friends and teach us what we aught to have learned from it.
I'm a slow learner. And a not learner. I'm not sure what "learn" means exactly.. but if it implies that you change your behavior after experiencing an unpleasant consequence... than I don't think I learn very well at all. I definitely experience deja vu when I find myself in a situation.. again.. but I can't say that I learned it well enough the first or second or 9th time to claim I learned not to repeat my mistakes.
Perhaps I should goal to be more teachable and learn quicker. Mostly, I just want to have a surrendered heart to God's correction. As much as I hate the taste of humble pie or having to say, "I was wrong,"I'm rather thankful the Lord thinks I'm worth the effort. I'm too quick to give up on people and guard my heart by walling them out of my life, but Jesus is more vulnerable and forgiving than I.
I guess ultimately, I just want to be more like Jesus. Everything in my heart wants to have the same characteristics and kindness. I want to be loving and selfless and brave against insult. I want to love those who hate me and sacrifice for those who crucify my feelings.
I want to be a woman of wisdom, always drawing from The Word and growing the fruit of the spirit in my heart. Those are my goals. Those are my hopes and my dreams. And if this year be my last, I hope I step into to heaven and the Lord says, "well done, good and faithful servant."
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Again and Again and Again
The LORD does interesting things to get our attention. Creativity is one of His beautiful qualities. He’s also funny. For real, no one tickles my heart quite so much as my Heavenly Father.
I cannot deny that I briefly doubted God’s plan when I was first plopped where I was plopped. Having been very involved in ministry and constantly poured into and constantly pouring out, with my faith always challenged and my straight up NEED for the Lord’s presence always being in my life, I was quite skeptical of where I landed.
Too blessed to know what to do. Which, I shouldn’t complain about, of course. I all the sudden had no more bills to pay, no rent moneys to eke out, no groceries to buy and no gas to ration. Trying to stretch 3 meals instead of two out of a 68cent can of black beans was no longer my worry. Getting enough hours of work to make rent for the month was no longer on my mind. Drinking extra coffee in the morning to curb any hunger pangs before work because I’d run out of eggs for breakfast was no longer necessary. I had my own room with my own big bed..so big I still keep to the far edge of the bed.. not really knowing what to do with the extra space.
Blessed as I was with my humans and church and freedom and independence, I’d quite forgotten the stress of making ends meet in my time of absolute provision. I can do MULTIPLE loads of laundry in one week if I need to, and not have to spread my clothes all over the floor in my bedroom to dry, just to save quarters on drying (since it wont actually get dry anyways).
Canned corn was on sale for 39cents at the grocery store yesterday. I was reminded of my current state of blessing as my mom suggested I start working on stocking my future cupboards as my time of care-free existence is wrapping itself up for Christmas.
I do look forward to returning to the independent life. But I cannot deny that I have very much enjoyed all the many nights of sleep I have gotten over the last few months as I had no worries to keep me up.
I have been blessed to learn new skills while being out here too! After 5 months, I can drive a stick-shift, mend fence, put a halter on a cow, carry a 50lb bag of feed across the farm without stumbling, skillfully use an impact driver without destroying the screw head, administer antibiotics to sick calves, dig potatoes without halving them with the shovel, and many valuable office skills picked up from having been freely offered a part time job as secretary.
I felt so displaced, though. Because I all the sudden had SO much and not much opportunity to serve or pour out as I was used to. I was most used to relying so much on the Lord to provide that as I had everything so handed to me, I didn’t feel as challenged to seek him for help as much. Besides, I wasn’t in any Bible study or fellowship that would challenge me to get in The Word either.
Except I had friends. Friends who loved Jesus and lived far away. But they were on the other side of a social media screen and they would send verses and worship songs and share what the Lord was doing in their own lives. I would get clips of Mennonite hymn sings and comments on what one had heard in church that day.
Friends, one of the very best blessings you can EVER give to anybody is to abide in Christ. Because as you do that, you grow the fruit of the Spirit in your life and all those around you get to taste and see that the Lord is good. And my friends did just that. I was most loved to have them pouring into my heart from far away.
Funny, though, the Lord didn’t have my attention as much as He should have. As much as I appreciated my friends constantly telling me to “Look! God is still working in your life. You need let the Lord do His thing.” Yes, of course. The Lord will do His thing whether my heart is cooperative about it. So, as if I had imagined the Lord was busy doing big important things else where and keeping tabs on me from a distance, I fell into a comfortable rhythm of not reading my Bible as often…and by “not as often” I mean: rarely. I wrote in my quiet time journal even less than that and I considered His hand in my life barely present.
Besides disliking my great ability to lack patience when it came to instructing my younger siblings in being diligent and thorough in the chores I had assigned them, I didn’t much notice how my lack of pursuing the Lord might affect anyone but myself.
Selfish. I mean, I’ve probably always been selfish. The Lord has graciously given me the awareness of other humans since I have come to be in a relationship with him. But I am still naturally selfish and if I’m not abiding in Christ, its worse than ever.
Withdrawn, also. Withdrawn and selfish would be a fair assessment of my heart as of late.
I have a few humans that have made my heart to feel so valued and loved in the past months and I have quite come to a point where I only want to share my heart with those few. Which is selfish, obviously, since there have been many other humans who have shared their hearts with me. Who would like, still, to share their hearts with me.
More than that, the creator of the WHOLE UNIVERSE wants to share His heart with me and wants me to share my heart with Him. I tend to retract a little bit when I feel that it was someone’s specific fault when I’ve gotten hurt. And since it was God who directed my steps to being where I was, obviously it was His whole fault and my very best defense was to avoid Him a bit until I got over it.
Hahaha…. Perhaps I’m the funny one. I’d like to tell you I’ve tried that trick before and learnt it didn’t work and, being the clever girl that I am, know quite better than to repeat such a silly notion. Ha. Hahaha.. I’m sure the Lord is quite entertained by me. Perhaps He loves so much to be funny because He finds us funny more often than not. “You make me laugh, Dear Child. Now it is my turn. I can play your game just as well.”
“If you, Dear Child, should like so much to be selfish like you are, I shall work it out just right so some epic mess comes of nothing in particular. And it shall be worse than Hamster Huey and the Gooey Ka-Blewy”
I chuckle. Well, I didn’t at first, of course. I usually greet all stresses and conflicts with tears and panic. But that’s usually because I’m so darn selfish I fail to see that God is moving things around to keep things interesting. To re-gain my attention. To get me to surrender more of my heart. To be the hero in my life and show up and say, “Do you need me now?” And when I step back and realize that My Love is simply fighting for my heart, AGAIN.. STILL, ALWAYS… I can only feel loved.
“Let’s try this again, My Precious. Keep your eyes on me and do not doubt. Don’t look at the waves and the winds and the storm around you. Do not panic, do not worry. The Lake doesn’t have to be frozen for you to walk on top of it.”
The Lord is such a gallant hero. He has captured my heart yet again. There is no blessing so great as a trial that causes you to fix your eyes fully on the face of the one who loves you so well that there aren’t even words to describe it. Should we with ink the ocean fill and were the sky of parchment made. If every stone on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade. To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry and nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky.
I know not any artist who can make a disaster so beautiful. I know of no human who can communicate love by allowing brokenness. I cannot even comprehend all the tiniest details that go into making conflict a gift of healing. But I am so very thankful for it and look forward to all the many beautiful disasters the Lord should like to show me. However, I hope that my adventures would come more from my eyes constantly being fixed on Him and not out of The Lord’s need to catch my attentions yet again.
I would like to say I learned my lesson, but I think if there is anything I’ve learned is that I cannot learn. The Lord somehow loves pursuing me so much that he designed my heart to learn some lessons better than others. But He shall chase after me my whole life. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand, sometimes He will carry me. Sometimes I’ll let go and He’ll stay close at hand, but always He will be there. And He’ll do all it takes to remind me where He is and how much He should like to love my heart. And I shall fall madly in love with Him again and again and again.
I cannot deny that I briefly doubted God’s plan when I was first plopped where I was plopped. Having been very involved in ministry and constantly poured into and constantly pouring out, with my faith always challenged and my straight up NEED for the Lord’s presence always being in my life, I was quite skeptical of where I landed.
Too blessed to know what to do. Which, I shouldn’t complain about, of course. I all the sudden had no more bills to pay, no rent moneys to eke out, no groceries to buy and no gas to ration. Trying to stretch 3 meals instead of two out of a 68cent can of black beans was no longer my worry. Getting enough hours of work to make rent for the month was no longer on my mind. Drinking extra coffee in the morning to curb any hunger pangs before work because I’d run out of eggs for breakfast was no longer necessary. I had my own room with my own big bed..so big I still keep to the far edge of the bed.. not really knowing what to do with the extra space.
Blessed as I was with my humans and church and freedom and independence, I’d quite forgotten the stress of making ends meet in my time of absolute provision. I can do MULTIPLE loads of laundry in one week if I need to, and not have to spread my clothes all over the floor in my bedroom to dry, just to save quarters on drying (since it wont actually get dry anyways).
Canned corn was on sale for 39cents at the grocery store yesterday. I was reminded of my current state of blessing as my mom suggested I start working on stocking my future cupboards as my time of care-free existence is wrapping itself up for Christmas.
I do look forward to returning to the independent life. But I cannot deny that I have very much enjoyed all the many nights of sleep I have gotten over the last few months as I had no worries to keep me up.
I have been blessed to learn new skills while being out here too! After 5 months, I can drive a stick-shift, mend fence, put a halter on a cow, carry a 50lb bag of feed across the farm without stumbling, skillfully use an impact driver without destroying the screw head, administer antibiotics to sick calves, dig potatoes without halving them with the shovel, and many valuable office skills picked up from having been freely offered a part time job as secretary.
I felt so displaced, though. Because I all the sudden had SO much and not much opportunity to serve or pour out as I was used to. I was most used to relying so much on the Lord to provide that as I had everything so handed to me, I didn’t feel as challenged to seek him for help as much. Besides, I wasn’t in any Bible study or fellowship that would challenge me to get in The Word either.
Except I had friends. Friends who loved Jesus and lived far away. But they were on the other side of a social media screen and they would send verses and worship songs and share what the Lord was doing in their own lives. I would get clips of Mennonite hymn sings and comments on what one had heard in church that day.
Friends, one of the very best blessings you can EVER give to anybody is to abide in Christ. Because as you do that, you grow the fruit of the Spirit in your life and all those around you get to taste and see that the Lord is good. And my friends did just that. I was most loved to have them pouring into my heart from far away.
Funny, though, the Lord didn’t have my attention as much as He should have. As much as I appreciated my friends constantly telling me to “Look! God is still working in your life. You need let the Lord do His thing.” Yes, of course. The Lord will do His thing whether my heart is cooperative about it. So, as if I had imagined the Lord was busy doing big important things else where and keeping tabs on me from a distance, I fell into a comfortable rhythm of not reading my Bible as often…and by “not as often” I mean: rarely. I wrote in my quiet time journal even less than that and I considered His hand in my life barely present.
Besides disliking my great ability to lack patience when it came to instructing my younger siblings in being diligent and thorough in the chores I had assigned them, I didn’t much notice how my lack of pursuing the Lord might affect anyone but myself.
Selfish. I mean, I’ve probably always been selfish. The Lord has graciously given me the awareness of other humans since I have come to be in a relationship with him. But I am still naturally selfish and if I’m not abiding in Christ, its worse than ever.
Withdrawn, also. Withdrawn and selfish would be a fair assessment of my heart as of late.
I have a few humans that have made my heart to feel so valued and loved in the past months and I have quite come to a point where I only want to share my heart with those few. Which is selfish, obviously, since there have been many other humans who have shared their hearts with me. Who would like, still, to share their hearts with me.
More than that, the creator of the WHOLE UNIVERSE wants to share His heart with me and wants me to share my heart with Him. I tend to retract a little bit when I feel that it was someone’s specific fault when I’ve gotten hurt. And since it was God who directed my steps to being where I was, obviously it was His whole fault and my very best defense was to avoid Him a bit until I got over it.
Hahaha…. Perhaps I’m the funny one. I’d like to tell you I’ve tried that trick before and learnt it didn’t work and, being the clever girl that I am, know quite better than to repeat such a silly notion. Ha. Hahaha.. I’m sure the Lord is quite entertained by me. Perhaps He loves so much to be funny because He finds us funny more often than not. “You make me laugh, Dear Child. Now it is my turn. I can play your game just as well.”
“If you, Dear Child, should like so much to be selfish like you are, I shall work it out just right so some epic mess comes of nothing in particular. And it shall be worse than Hamster Huey and the Gooey Ka-Blewy”
I chuckle. Well, I didn’t at first, of course. I usually greet all stresses and conflicts with tears and panic. But that’s usually because I’m so darn selfish I fail to see that God is moving things around to keep things interesting. To re-gain my attention. To get me to surrender more of my heart. To be the hero in my life and show up and say, “Do you need me now?” And when I step back and realize that My Love is simply fighting for my heart, AGAIN.. STILL, ALWAYS… I can only feel loved.
“Let’s try this again, My Precious. Keep your eyes on me and do not doubt. Don’t look at the waves and the winds and the storm around you. Do not panic, do not worry. The Lake doesn’t have to be frozen for you to walk on top of it.”
The Lord is such a gallant hero. He has captured my heart yet again. There is no blessing so great as a trial that causes you to fix your eyes fully on the face of the one who loves you so well that there aren’t even words to describe it. Should we with ink the ocean fill and were the sky of parchment made. If every stone on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade. To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry and nor could the scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky.
I know not any artist who can make a disaster so beautiful. I know of no human who can communicate love by allowing brokenness. I cannot even comprehend all the tiniest details that go into making conflict a gift of healing. But I am so very thankful for it and look forward to all the many beautiful disasters the Lord should like to show me. However, I hope that my adventures would come more from my eyes constantly being fixed on Him and not out of The Lord’s need to catch my attentions yet again.
I would like to say I learned my lesson, but I think if there is anything I’ve learned is that I cannot learn. The Lord somehow loves pursuing me so much that he designed my heart to learn some lessons better than others. But He shall chase after me my whole life. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand, sometimes He will carry me. Sometimes I’ll let go and He’ll stay close at hand, but always He will be there. And He’ll do all it takes to remind me where He is and how much He should like to love my heart. And I shall fall madly in love with Him again and again and again.
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