Snow Time like The Present

Guys, I went to bed and woke up and it was almost Thanksgiving break! I mean.. technically, I'm on break now. I don't have a single class until next monday night. But I'm not on break yet... because I still have that paper to finish. :) I had no idea I had so many people that cared about how well I handle my homework, but, my goodness, my friends are the best! 

Yesterday I posted on my facebook a desperate plea for someone to come keep me company as I slowly withered away under mounds of research articles on stress and memory. (I'm becoming a stress pro expert!) One of my sweet friends was quick to respond and showed up at my door with homework in hand and boosted my motivation to keep working away. (SHE IS SO GREAT!!) And then! When I got to Salt last night, at least 3 people asked if someone had come to my rescue as they wanted to but couldn't. D'awww... you guys. If I smiled any bigger, I wouldn't be able to see anything cuz my cheeks would cover my eyes. 

I made sure to get good sleep last night as I knew I'd be going back into battle today. I was more than delighted to wake up to the white dusting we got over night. I mean.. I don't have to go out in it today, so I can enjoy it from a distance. 

Still having this paper to write reminds at LOT of my life as a homeschooler. Because I never actually did my school work on time and so when it got to the time when we were supposed to have a break, I would still be stuck on the couch with Saxon's Algebra 2 staring back at me in all it's pure form of evil. There is no puking sound vile enough to convey the emotions I feel toward upper-level math. Not that Algebra 2 is all that upper-level, but it's about as far as I ever care to go. 

Thanksgiving break. I'm going home for it this year. I didn't last year, but that's because sometimes I run away (I'm sure you've noticed by now). This year, home is running away enough for me. Nothing can ever compete with waking up to the smell of the wood stove warming the house or little brothers bringing you breakfast in bed. Or being served coffee first thing because someone just loves you so much they want to spend time with you. Nothing quite beats falling asleep to Planet Earth movies on tired afternoons or staying up late watching youtube videos, laughing til you have the hiccups. 
I love the freedom to start a project in the wood shop or bake food enough for 20 people (Because we all know 1 boy= 3 girls) or playing a real legitimate piano when ever you want. :) It's a great place, home is. And come 1 or 2am Monday morning, I will be walking through the front door and into the arms of brothers who will have been assigned to stay awake until I have safely arrived. Of course my parents (who assigned the boys to stay awake on account they went to bed) will be awake too, claiming that they weren't really asleep yet. I love that. Coming home is the best. 

-----
Guys I'm struggling. The struggle bus has kidnapped me something awful. I'm all cuddled and cozy on my couch but my motivation to keep plugging through this pape is severely lacking. So, you're going to keep finding new things added to this post as the day goes on. It's like a nice little surprise! Like when you leave a flower in a vase in the sunlight and you come back to find that the petals have opened up a little bit more. 

Stress impairs a lot of brain functions, guys. I've got that part down pretty good. It impairs motivation, it impairs memory retrieval, encoding, all that good stuff. Basically everything I need. And I mean... apathy impairs those things too. I think I have a case of both. WOAH! That's like mixing drugs. BAD combination. Stress and apathy. Someone shoot me. In the foot. Or... idk. Tell me I'm going to make it. Tell me I can add 500 words to this pape by lunch time. Tell me it's okay to have all my friends over even though I don't have my homework done.. idk. Tell me something. Interact with me or something. 

Also... this is it. My last college paper. The final one. O_O Of course it had to be a torturous one. College is like, "You aren't getting out with out a fight, yo!" And I'm like, "whatever, College. You don't own me. You're not the boss of me. You can't control me." And Life is like, "hahaha... that's what you think." And then Reality is like, "He has a point..." And then I'm like, "Ah poops... you're right." 

Life and Reality work against me sometimes. C'mon guys, can't you just be on my team for once? Wouldn't you like to work in my favor?? And they both be like, "hahahahaha.... a joke! She's a funny one, that Fern. Always makin' people laugh." 

Reality is a jerk sometimes. 

Oh my GOSH! I'M INSANE! This paper is a jerk is what's happening. Taking my brain and mushing it into oatmeal. >:[ "Have at thee! I will conquer you yet!" 

----------------

0_0 OH MY GOODNESS CAN I PANIC RIGHT NOW???? MY COMPUTER JUST DID SOMETHING CRAZY!

Okay... breathe... breathe.. breathe... Ahhhh cryyyyy

I don't know what just happened, but my computer just turned all of EVERYthing I have written so far into strange boxes and Chinese characters and now my Word document is freezing up and getting ready to crash and I'm SECONDS away from losing everything. Yes.. everything. Because my computer can't save anything because the memory is full and I can't fix that. (Believe me.. I've erased just about everything off the harddrive and it still isn't making new space for saving things.) 

Ahhhh... okay... don't cry... don't.. wheeeww... breathe. 

I can't breathe. Can I cry? I think I'm going to. Blink. Blink. Hold back the tears....breathe.

LIFE HATES ME!

-------

Phew... okay. After 15 minutes of panic and tears and feelings of complete hopelessness and ruin, I think I can do this. Not really, actually, but I have to. I'd much rather cry for the next three hours... but I have to replace all the work from the last 3 hours that I lost.

Plus... I totally cried for three straight hours on Wednesday so I kinda already used that lifeline.

Thank God for sweet roommates. I'm going to write the paper on my roommate's computer because hers won't crash on me and ruin my life. 

I'm going to magically type up 700 words in the next 30 minutes and then search out the references for where I got those ideas afterwards. Sound goot? Goot.

I'm alone in my misery and so I have to tell these sorts of things to myself because i don't have anyone else.

-----

I think I may be close to a panic attack. Probably I'm being dramatic, but every time I look at the lack of information I have added to this paper, my heart freaks out a little and I can't bring myself to work on it.
How about I just say that stress causes memory loss and major impairment on HOW TO WRITE PAPERS!!

Also, I can't make myself stop crying. I attempted to stop about 10 minutes ago, and then I gave up. I'll just keep a tissue box on hand and drink water because, well, the flood gates have been released. Plus... I mean. Any hope I woke up with crashed with my computer. I mean... okay.. I'm not COMPLETELY without hope. I still have home to look forward to. I have.... things. BUT... no. I want to give up now.

You win, life. You win. I quit.  
-------

"Flower gleam and glow
Let your power Shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine

Heal what has been hurt
Change the fate's design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine

What once was mine....

:'(
--------
3pm. Heart rate has stabilized.

While I would like to be in the kitchen hacking my head off with a large knife, I think I'm coming out of panic mode. It only took 2 hours... so that's great. I've still be staring at the same research for a while and I know I need to add it to my paper, but I lack the motivation as I already went through that whole tangled mess of deciphering the crap and reworded it into intelligent language. I mean... it's just work. How about I move onto PTSD??

I know lots about that now since losing most of a research paper which had over 11 hours of work put into it counts as trauma. Phew. Okay. Okay. I can probably drone on for at least two pages about PTSD. Right? That's a thing. People have it.

I have 4 hours before people start coming over for our pre-Thanksgiving break hang out. I'm not near as close to break as I thought I'd be at this point.

I'm complaining, I know. I shouldn't complain. How else do you cope, though? Or maybe I'm just stating true facts. That's not complaining is it? Dramatically stating true facts? I hope not. 

Vente Grande

------Wednesday-------

Here we go again, my friends. Crazy posts from an insane college student being oppressed by homework and deadlines and yuckiness like that. 

Guys this is bad... I found out i have until SUNDAY to write this 10paged research paper. As if my procrastination needed any encouragement...

It's raining snow today. I like that. I'd like it more if I didn't have to go to class, but seeing as I skipped last week, I really should go this week. 

And I'm tired. Some how, our roommate hanging outtings went until midnight last night. Of course I was fine with this because my thoughts were, "I don't have class til 5:30pm Wednesdays! So I can sleep in and then settle into writing papers and doing homework all day." Then at 11:47pm I suddenly realized that I work EVERY Wednesday morning now. Which is a good thing, I need the $, but, my actions prior to were fairly unwise. 

I can't decide if it's the time of year, the stress load, or the fact that Thanksgiving break is elusively looming in the distance, but my heart is extremely restless....again. I need to run away again or something. But not really run away because I need people in my life.. but I kind of want to run away from people again. I like being alone lately. I'm not being productive in my loneliness, though. Plus, I'm just... ughk. 

I haven't been impressed at my walk with the Lord lately. I often wonder why I have friends. Why do people ever want to hang out with me? They're crazy. Totally crazy. Or just way too kind to say 'no'. I don't know, I appreciate them and wonder at them at the same time. 

Also, there is a battle for maturity going down in basically all over the place and I'm not impressed. I mean, I myself am hardly mature, especially in my faith, but I'm incredibly discouraged at the lack of maturity seemingly everywhere I turn. It's such a battle because, I mean, I'm over it. I don't give a crap about being so much of a people pleaser when it comes down to catering to a childish ploy for more attention or affirmation or affection than I have to offer. Which sounds absolutely heartless and cruel, I know. Which is why I look at my own lack of maturity in the issue and shake my head in wonderment at how people ever stand to willingly choose to spend 2 consecutive hours with me. 

I mean, I think what I really need is to be in the presence of people who can build me up and pour back into me because I've been running on fumes for a lot longer than I even comprehend. 

I don't know how much my heart is restless or just so empty that suddenly none of the usual temporary remedies work at all. Christians get that way sometimes...empty. With the church. It's totally possible. 
I feel like I get here a lot.
My problem is that I attend church and Salt Company and Bible study and then run around pursuing people and I hardly stop and sit still long enough for the Lord to fill me. I count people speaking Truth into my life and hearing Truth spoken at church as bread enough to sustain me. I'm basically Spiritually anorexic, I've decided. Or maybe bulimic, because I puke out everything I take in onto the lives of my friends that need it "more than me." Kinda like driving a car without oil in your engine totally kills it... I'm kind of there. No oil. But I keep going. Can someone just sit me down and tell me I'm not a failure as a human being? Or just.. I don't know. Is that being too much? I just need to know a good reason or two as to why anyone would want to be around me. 

------Thursday------

Here we are. 72 hours away from 10page paper being due. I hate to be a complainer (Because we all know that's just a bad idea) But, I realllllly don't want to write this paper. If I've ever hated to write a paper before.. it's this one. My goal is 700 words by the time my 3:30 class roles around this afternoon. I think I've calculated that the thing has to be 2500-3000 words, so 700 is a little bit lame.. but it's a goal all the same. 

I never condoned skipping class before this semester. I think I skipped maybe one time a semester (if that) in prior years of semesters. Don't skip class, kids. It's unwise. Even if you know the material, at least show up and be where you're supposed to be. Except... I'm skipping today, so I mean.. you don't have to listen to me. I'm terrible. 

I'm really nervous about this paper because, 1) I've never had a professor say that if we don't write it well enough, she'll give it back and make us re-write it. And by golly she would do it too. I have no doubt that she'd request a re-write.  And 2) I've never had a professor write "8-10pages" on the syllabus and then say, "It HAS to be at LEAST 10 full pages of text, not 10 pages including title page and references." 0_0 Okay then.  And 3) be incredibly picky about wordiness and concision and give examples of how we might try to expand our papers with longer explanations of research articles when we could have been less wordy about it. Okay, so... that's kind of my secret weapon in ridiculous papers like this one. I mean, why say in 10 words what you could say in 30? You have to make the thing 3000 words anyways. And who wants THAT much information? And can be like cotton candy...sugar coated air. Nice and fluffy and delectable, but not too substantial and sickening. 
Well, prof don't want cotton candy, she wants jolly rancher and my gosh it better be 5lbs at that. 

I don't know why it's so easy for me to type up a lengthy blog of puked out emotions and then I struggle to add 60 words of factual information to an academic piece. Maybe because I create my own truth in a blog and I have to work with other people's truths  in a paper. Maybe I'm really self-centered and don't like other people's truths. 

Oh! Also, I totally had an emotional break down in class last night. I find it amusing now. It didn't have to do with the lecture at all. The prof was going on about methods for studying aging and longitudinal verses cross-sectional design and my mind was totally in another place. Thinking about my life and such and my stress... and then, before I realized it... tears. So I faked a coughing fit to make it seem like my eyes were watering from a tickle in my throat. I mean... you guys probably think I'm a sorry bucket of emotions basically all of the time... it's not true! But kind of it is. I mean, crying... it's not a regular occurrence thing... just when I'm stressed. Which is now. 

My body hurts today. It must be especially humid out.. all of the bones I have ever previously broken are crying out in protest. Also... I must have the strangest dreams in which it requires my whole body to overcome whatever great distress I face. Not only do I constantly find myself awakening to my legs being all wrapped up in the cord of my electric blanket, I'm continuously having to pop things back into their sockets that seem to have found their ways out of place during the night. Shoulders.. hips.. goodness gracious.. I must be like Uncle Hubb from Second Hand Lions who goes out and refights whole battles with the Arabs in his sleep and can't figure out why he wakes up sore every day. 

Okay! I'm ahead of the game a little and see some hope for reaching 700 words by lunch time. AHHH! This excites me so much I can't handle it. I've also been drinking coffee all morning. 0_0 TAKE ME HOME, LORD! JUST TAKE ME HOME!

A Weak Start After the Weekend

Well, it's another week, friends. Another week and there is another set of stressers on my plate.

-10paged Research paper on Stress and memory (Isn't that funny??...stress is everywhere)
-The Presentation that got moved from last week
-2 Homeworks
-3 quizes


Honestly I'm not near as stressed this week. Which is good because I am now sick. With a sore throat and probable sinus infection and all the works to go with that. Headaches..stomach aches, tightness of the lungs... Oh well. I'm not complaining. If I survive this week than I can go home and sleep for a week. 

I had one of the best weekends I could have ever wanted this past weekend, so I have nothing to complain about. I am too blessed, I think. My family is the best ever. 2 of my little brothers came into town to adventure with me and my friends and, while our adventure didn't turn out like planned, it was one of my favorite Friday nights ever. 

We sang hymns in a stairwell with some Kalonavites. Why a stairwell? Acoustics, man. So echoey and lovely. 

"What are Kalonavites?" One might ask. Well, let me tell you!

Kalonavites are a unique people group located in South/East Iowa in a small village called Kalona. Their beliefs are something inbetween conservative Christian and Amish-ish. I just say they love Jesus and call it good. They're actually quite difficult to describe, and are so unique, the best way to attempt comprehension of them is to meet them. 
This people group doesn't believe in fighting or wars or scuffles or such, but they have very strange fascinations for loud noises and anything pyro. This of course lends to a giddy and delighted enchantment when in the presence of a firearm. If you can picture the cartoons where the eyes are spinning in hypnosis, that's about what they look like when a gun is brought out. 

Kalonavites are, for the most part, highly respectable and polite. More so than the average breed of male. However, when 2 or more are gathered together in front of a TV screen, any awareness of female presence seems to dissolve and a certain level of discomfort is experienced if you happen to be of the woman species. 

The bestest thing about this peculiar group of peace-loving gun enthusiasts is that when they are not shooting up their grandmother's Easter eggs and the trees and rivers around Kalona, they are singing sweet songs of old in the churches of their childhoods. The Lord has knitted together some of His finest vocal chords into the necks of these youthful beings, that are fully equipped with power to heal and encourage and enliven the hearers of such glorious music. This being because, when they sing, the Spirit of the Lord is there. 
It has been quite a blessing from the Lord to be aware of their existence these last 9 months and I shall treasure the remaining 8 months that I have to know them. I think the Kalonavites will forever be one of my favorite encounters along the way of my journeyings. 

Beyond the Kalonavites singing in the stairwell, having a portion of The Brotherhood in town was a treat of the finest kind. Our wonderful time spent with the Kalonavites went into the early hours of the morning and thus the time we spent sleeping was less than usual. Before tucking one of my young brothers away for the night, he mentioned how sick he was and how much he hated to think he'd have to visit Student Death when returning to his place of residence. Of course I volunteered to take him somewhere in Iowa City and thus we planned upon awakening, we would embark on such an adventure. 

I sort of came to around 9am and would have been content to return to sleep and continue in it for an hour or two more but, I remembered my sweet Kennedy and marched down to the living room to check on his waking up progress. Off we went and we returned home with his magical medicines an hour and a half later. 

We spent an hour chatting in the living room with my roommates and Kitty before we invited ourselves over to my sister's for lunch. She wasn't home when we got there, but we let ourselves in and began watching Pride and Prejudice. *sigh* what a  perfect Saturday. We eventually ate lunch and said farewell to The Brotherhood. We then returned home and spent the afternoon accomplishing odds and ends and mostly nothing. Pearl came over at some point and more resting took place. 

Sunday, of course, was not restful, but it's not really a day that can be. Too much happens on a Sunday but at least Sunday ends with sleep. Not much sleep, of course, because I always forget about having to wake up at 6am for Monday Morning prayer until about midnight, and then I stress so much about having to wake up that I don't really sleep. 

Maybe that's why I'm sick. I fell asleep on my Bible already today. Which, I mean, sleeping through quiet time is probably not the best thing, but the Bible says that "The Lord grants sleep to those He loves" and "When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet" and other such things as that. So I don't feel bad that I did that. 

Now I will take my week one day at a time. Monday homework, Tuesday class, Wednesday homework, Thursday class. Friday sleep, Saturday concessions, Sunday church/Kalonavite hymn sing/ journey home to Storm Lake. 

It's going to be great!

Get Ready for Another Break

Tears.  Every rough week must end in tears right? Guys, I'm exhausted. I'm totally... exhausted. Can I just make a super honest and transparent post? Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I just want to express some things. 

Okay, here's where I am: my heart is breaking. 

I'm at this point where I'm wishing the Lord had not given me some of the great friends that I have because I'm suddenly acutely aware that they are just a season. I know I've blogged about this recently, but now, as the semester comes to a close and I can count on my two hands the amount of months before my lease runs out and I have to make a decision to move on, to another town, or city, or state and I realize that these friends that have worked their way into touching the deepest places of my heart will not be physically accessible any more. That breaks my heart. And it just hurts me. 

As  I was talking with the Lord about it, He was reminding me that it was good. It was good that I met them and they were an absolutely blessing in my life and I absolutely needed them when they turned up, but I have to trust it is for the best when life changes again. I have to trust that every time my heart breaks, the Lord re-enforces it. Every time my heart tears or rips, He re-sews it to be bigger and more like His. 

But I'm not ready.

And it could just be that I had a terrible week of stress and anxiety and not as good sleep and little to no interactions with real humans and now at the end of it I'm tired and emotional, but even good sleep will not change reality. And I get mad at my friends for being great because they steal my heart. 
Can't I just put my heart in a box and not let people run off with pieces of it?? I mean, no. That'd be no good. But sometimes it's like, "Stop. Please stop. Stop making me laugh, stop making me feel loved. Stop being wonderful." But really, don't stop. I need you. 

But in all that. As I look at life and where I will be and where my friends will be and how much change is yet to come, I look  at the Lord and I ask, "will you stay? Please stay. I need you to stay." And he looks at me with sympathy and says, "Fern. Of course I will stay. I will never leave you or forsake you. I will be with you always, even to the end of the age. I will be with you when you move away from Iowa City. I will be with you when life changes. I will stay. I will stay right here. I'm with you on this one."  And I'm sure that may sound a little cheesy to you, but it means the world to me. 

So, sometimes I try to write letters to my future husband. People have told me this is a good idea. 
The last few times I started, I ended up writing a letter to Jesus instead. But then I realized, He is my future husband. The wedding is planned and there's going to be a feast and everyone is invited. The church is the bridegroom, is it not? Did He not say He was coming back? My love. My one and only. My forever. 

Please stay.

I think I view marriage wrongly. I mean, I'm just going to go ahead and confess that sometimes I look forward to marriage because I like the idea of someone loving me for the rest of my life. I also know what it feels like to be in a relationship where you feel like a burden and too much and not worth loving or pursuing and it's just.. empty and broken and awful. And then I think, "I can live just fine without that. I would sooner be single for the rest of my entire earthly life than be stuck in that forever." And then there stands Jesus and He just gives me a look that says, "But I want you." 

Sometimes I'll find myself liking a godly man in my circle of acquaintances and then I'll pray about it and ask the Lord to take away the feelings if they aren't right and then He does. And then I'm always a little surprised when He does because I'm like, "Hmm what was the matter with that one, Lord?"
And it's as if the Lord has my heart out on his workbench and he's forming it and creating it into this intricate, delicate work and He protectively throws His arms around it and is like, "Are you kidding me?? This heart is not for just anybody. I'm proud of this work. And I've got plans for it and I'm not about to let you just give it to some boy who is going to drop it and break it. No way." 

I feel loved and lost at the same time. 

But I look at what is coming, I mean, my heart will have to break. This season of friends is wrapping up. And The Lord seems to be giddy about it because He's like, "I'm going to fix it, though. And add detail and character." 

I'm so human. Gosh darnit. I'm human and I'm a girl human, so that's even worse. I think I know what's good for me but I don't and then I'm emotional and the whole reason God has to be so protective of my heart is because He has His own share of cuts and bruises from trying to manipulate it and form it into what He wants while I fight and resist. 

That's why He fights off the boys. He's like, "Oh no you don't. Do you even know how much I've fought for this heart. You want a piece of it?? You're going to have to go through me." 

Guys, last night, one of the men from my student ministry challenged us to be trained in godliness. 
I want that so bad. You have no idea how badly I want that. 

I'm terrible at the 'Christianity' thing. I'm so terrible. Sometimes I only pray once a week. Sometimes I don't even open my Bible unless I'm at church. I don't pursue God. 

I pursue my heart feeling healed. I pursue joy. I pursue feeling whole. But I don't pursue God. I mean, I pursue God so that I can feel healed and joyful and whole, but I'm not pursuing God because I'm in love with Him and just want to be like him. I pursue Him for the feelings that come as a result. I pursue the symptoms of God. SYMPTOMS guys. 

Like having a running nose and a sore throat doesn't mean you have a cold. You have a cold when cells in your body are fighting infection cells and there is a battle going on that you don't see and the symptoms are just the signs that it's going on. 

I don't want symptoms, guys. I want God. I don't want to be a symptom in the church, guys. I don't want to be a symptom of my leaders pursuing God. I want to be the one pursuing God. 

And here I'm asking the Lord, "Can you hold me together? Just keep my heart from going everywhere when it breaks again." 

And I don't want it to break because I attached it to my wonderful, God-loving friends and I have to move. I want it to break because God moved in and He was too big for it. I don't want to be a small human with a small human heart. I want to be a small human with the heart of God. A heart easily broken for the things that matter. And I know it will have to break. 

I think I'm okay with that. I think I'm okay with a life of brokenness as long as the Lord never leaves me. As long as the pieces can be put back together and I have the strength to breathe. 

Sometimes life hurts too much to breathe. That's when the Lord reaches down and breathes into my nostrils the breath of life. Sometimes I need a little mouth-to-mouth before taking the next step. 

Maybe that's what this is. Another measure of faith being poured out in the exact amount needed before the next step. Before the next crack. Before the next break.  

Okay, Lord. Let's do this. 

Journal Entry No. 3

Someone pointed out to me that I'm on the down hill end of this crazy week. YAY! And it's Wednesday at that. 

I mean, If you consider still having to crank out an 8-pager by tomorrow morning on the down hill side I guess. Actually I read the syllabus and it says 6 to 8 pages! Somehow 6 pages doesn't seem nearly as impossible as 8 does right now. And! I have 258 words going right now. That means something right?? Almost a full page. 

I'm doing a research paper on the terrible effects of stress on your health. Go figure. I'm pretty stressed about it, but the Lord has granted me good sleep in the midst of it. I was awaken by the Lord at 7:05am with ideas for my next paragraph/area of research already swimming in my head. I don't recommend this at all, but I'm researching as Im writing. I have to be time efficient on this one. 

As for my 15minute group presentation for tomorrow, the Lord has been gracious again as my prof announced in class yesterday, "If anybody is set to go Thursday but your schedules are really busy and you're overwhelmed or something like that, you are free to go next Tuesday instead." OHMYGOSH THANKYOU!!! He asked if any body would like that and I was like, "I VOLUNTEER! I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!" And he was like, "Okay. You remember then, 'cuz I'm not writing it down."

And then later I got a text from my elusive presentee-classmates asking if we'd like to go on Tuesday since Fern's week is so crazy. (Someone wasn't in class I guess....) Actually I've never met them...er... one of them. No idea what they look like or anything. So I guess she wouldn't know it was I who volunteered as tribute for Tuesday. Either way.. PRAISE GOD I ONLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE PAPER AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

I don't usually use so many capitalized letters in my writing...I'm just going insane. 

Another thing, startup disk is full. I'm typing up this paper and I can't even save it. I can't even use my 'Works Cited' option because it can't save my informations of authors. So, I'm just praying my computer doesn't crash (because it does that often) and I'm praying I don't lose the whole thing.

So.. we'll see. We'll see what happens.  

We are 23 hours, 39 minutes away from this paper being due. I've never turned in a late paper. I've also never pulled an all-nighter in college. Every semester I get to a super stressful point and I always think, "Okay. Tonight is the night. I'ma pull an all-nighter." And then I conk out at 11pm. The latest I've ever stayed up doing home work was 3am My freshman year. Not because I had to, but because my friend's 10-page paper got deleted at 11pm when it was due 7:30am the following day. So I stayed up with her. That was fun. I mean.. stressful for her, but I had fun. 

Okay. Goodness. I need to get another paragraph on this thing. We'll just take it 100 words at a time. :/

-----
It is now 4pm


Crunch time. I mean this morning was crunch time. But Crunch time just got crunchier. 

I need to get this donne. 

---

I feel like a little bit of a crazy genius because I made a realization that boosted my confidence in this paper just a wee little bit. 

I've been writing from the perspective that stress causes certain hormone levels to rise and make an excess secretion of acid in the stomach and cause ulcers. I mean, research supports this view, so why not?

BUT! Along the way, my research brought me to some studies suggesting a sneaky bacteria called Helicobacter Pylori. A pre-existing infection in the guts. 

At first I disregarded this theory because it's not likely that everyone suffering ulcers has infections of the stomach... but this is actually an interesting find. Why?? Because stress stinkin' suppresses your immune system! And if your immune system is suppressed, then these ulcer-inducing bacteria have a chance to do some damage. And then the stress does factor into the ulcers but not for the same reason you may have thought. Isn't that amazing? It's amazing.  

I mean, you're probably not interested in my health psychology research, but I liked making that connection...on my very own. Now I'm redirecting my research a little. 

Guys!! I have 2 whole pages! Okay.. so I need 4 more. But!!! I've got a few hours to work with it.

------
4:23pm

Okay, so, I know I've been focusing all of my research on ulcers for the past 23 hours, but, ya know, things change. Like...paper topics.... 

Right so, this whole discovery about immune system suppression and ulcer development means something. It's more significant than I thought. I mean, I'm going to talk about stress and immune system suppression as the overal topic of research and then my ulcer research can be one of my points. Granted, I'll have to do more research to see what else results from stress... colds and what nots, but I'll work with this. The nature of my disease will now focus on how the immune system works. 

I hate medical stuff, guys. You have no idea. I don't actually care how the immune system works, but I'm about to become an expert. 
------
9:39pm

I just want to some how some way add 500 words to my stinkin' paper by 10:30. That shouldn't be that hard. But research papers are all so picky about having all your information be  cited and backed by research. What if I just want to say my own thoughts on what you should do to prevent illness onset and my own thoughts about how to treat your problem??

Plus I'm still going insane. Or maybe I've achieved insane-hood. I'm SO STINKIN CLOSE to being able to save this thing and walk away. I mean... one page. That's all it'd take. I've got 5 pages and I need one more. If only papers were as easy as blogging. I can make myself type semi-coherent sentences into a blog. When I read my paper, all I read is "aowhofawohf awoe awoadnadsoi aosijawwaosg." That's how much sense it makes to me right now. This is basically all I'm doing right now. 

I'm brilliant I know. Rewording the same thing over and over. And my contacts are sticking to my eyeballs... 

I've skipped 6 hours of class this week so far. That makes me feel like a bad student. But I'm doing it so that I can be a good student and perform well academically. 


-----11:00pm-----

Done. At exactly 11.

Praise the Lord. 


My contacts are stuck to my eyeballs and I can barely read anything I type anymore. But I'm done. 

Just in time too, I feel a sore throat coming on...

Journal Entry no. 2

My study guide is now 22 pages and counting. I'm almost through all the material though!! Woohoo! 


I think I thought that when I went to bed I'd wake up and the snow would be gone and it'd bounce back into warm 50F degree weather. Not so. 

------

I wanna spend time in the Word. Come Friday, I wont be answering my phone til noon. 

----------

I emailed my prof about skipping his class last night and informed him of all my academic overwhelmed-ness and his response was, "I will pray for you, Fern."
Whaaat??? Oh my goodness. My day is MADE. 

--------

Also, Nicaraguan coffee + Hot cocoa powder + peppermint coffee creamer = CHRISTMAS IN A COFFEE CUP OHMYGOODNESS!

--------

I've made a little progress on my 8-paged paper. I've got my opening line in my head. It goes, "Have you ever noticed that after an especially stressful week of class or exams, you seem to get sick once you finally have time to relax?"  Sounds pretty good right? I came up with that as I was falling asleep last night. Took a little stress off my mind knowing I had a start on it at least. 

--------

No progress yet on those 3 homework assignments due today. They'll just have to wait. 

-------

I'm working a little today. Right after my exam. Not that I have time, even, to accept hours, but I'll take what I can get. Gas isn't going to pay for itself now is it? I just hope I don't rush through the exam in an attempt to get my nanny kid to swim team practice on time. Exam is at 3:30 and swim team is at 4:30. 
He'll be late. I already know that. But I'll work with it. Not gonna stress too much. Plus when I get done with that, I'm writing a paper. I mean.. half of it. I'm shooting for 4 pages tonight before bed. Because I work tomorrow, too. 
----

Phew! Okay done. My study guide is 26 pages but it encompasses everything mentioned as important for knowing. it's 9:40am and I'm on coffee cup number 5. Soon to be 6. And I don't want to write any more words. But the exam has essay questions on them. :/ yuck. 

-----

I'm going to drive the ol' caddy today. I have to drive it back to Storm Lake for Thanksgiving so I guess it'll be good to test it out a little. Make sure I trust it. All that stuff. 

----

I honestly feel stressed enough to have it be finals week. Or more stressed. This is stressful, guys. And I'm sure in like, a month I'm gonna look back and be like, Ah gee, not so bad. BUT SERIOUSLY... now. It's like... the world is gonna explode. Or my head is. Or both. And my kidney. My poor little kidney. All alone doing all this make up work while I consume so much drinkage. 

--1:40pm-----

I got one of my homework assignments turned in! Woot! And I take this exam in 2 hours. 

---- 

Also my presentation got moved to Tuesday. PRAISE. THE. LORDT! 

------
TO do:

Take exam

Work 0_0 

Write 8 paged paper

One more home work assignment

2 more quizes

Breathe

Take a Chill pill

---------

The Life of a College Student:Journal Entry No. 1

Today is crunch day and we're 6 hours into it. 

12:02pm on Monday the 11th of November. 

OH MY GOSH I GRADUATE IN ONE MONTH!

To do by THURSDAY:

Take 2 more quizes

STUDY FOR MY SOCIAL COG EXAM TOMORROW

Write an 8 page paper on how stress effects your health.. CAN I JUST WRITE ABOUT HOW UNHEALTHY SCHOOL IS FOR EVERYONE??? That paper is due in 3 days and I don't have anything more than the topic picked out. By the time I get around to it... I might have a few words of snark and sarcasm to flavor the thing. Stress, man. 

Find a time to meet up with elusive classmates for group presentation and figure out who is doing what for the 15 minute presentation. Oh my goodness I do not have time to meet with people this week :/ We present on Thursday, though.. so maybs we should figure that out before then.. 

Write and turn in 3 homework assignments due TOMORROW. 


-----shoot me now------


Coffee consumption level: 6 cups

Water consuption:2 cups

Current drink of choice: I asked for a cup of hot water to keep my hands warm while studying in this INSANELY COLD coffee shop and...now I'm drinking it because I'm thirsty and too settled in to get up and get cold water. 

----------

Let's also add trying to fit in work tomorrow and Wednesday. I can do this right??  Yeah? I'll work that in there some how some way. 

-------

My study guide is now 13 pages. It so far covers 1 1/2 lectures. 

There are 8 lectures total. I'm gonna run out of paper. 

------

Also, thoughts while being an overwhelmed college student, my kidney is gettin' it's workout today.
When people find out I only have one kidney they're always like, "Oh! So you drink a lot of water all the time, right??" 

Uhmm... water that has coffee in it. Does that count?

Except today. I drinked my cold water and now my two cups of hot water. And I'm only half-way through the day. Maybes if I pace myself I can end up drinking all those 8 glasses of water they recommend. I'm really bad at drinking water. Except when I'm stressed. I drink waterever is in front of my in insane amounts when I'm stressed because it's an excuse to put my pen down for a second. 

--------

The hot water at Java House tastes kinda funny when it gets cold. 

Maybe it's like the concession stands where the water we use for hotchocolate is actually really nasty and an odd color and then we just add hot cocoa mix so people don't know what the water we used for it looked like for real. Only this water is clear. So maybe it's not that bad. It just tastes funny. 

But then again, Iowa City draws their water out of the river from a plant that is downstream of a sewage plant. Why do they do that? So much nasty. 
----- 

There are a lot of old people who have coffee dates. Cute. 

Also! The man behind the counter has an incredibly shiney head. Or maybe my contacts are starting to stick to my eyeballs. 

And who knew shiney wasn't a real word. It's not because it autocorrected and when I looked up the spelling in a dictionary, no results were found. Hmm... Shine is a word though. Just not shiney. 

--------
10:30pm.....


I took a 2hr nap 5pm-7pm. 

I'm still working on that study guide. 5 lectures out of 8 and 21 pages. 

I ate a can of tuna and an orange for supper. I need to buy or make bread or something. 

-------

It snowed today. That was pretty. I like snow a lot. It's cold though. I realized that I bought a car but not an ice scraper to go with my car. :/ Credit cards, yo. They make good ice-scrapers. 

------

I love my cornbag a lot. So warm. So cozy. 

-----

I ate a tomato like an apple. It was delightful. 

Also, I'm starting to fade a little. I just have a little bit more to go before calling it a night and hitting the books again in the morning. *sigh* It might as well be finals week. Maybe. Gosh. Idk. I skipped my favorite class tonight and that makes me a little sad. 

----------