Journal Entry No. 3

Someone pointed out to me that I'm on the down hill end of this crazy week. YAY! And it's Wednesday at that. 

I mean, If you consider still having to crank out an 8-pager by tomorrow morning on the down hill side I guess. Actually I read the syllabus and it says 6 to 8 pages! Somehow 6 pages doesn't seem nearly as impossible as 8 does right now. And! I have 258 words going right now. That means something right?? Almost a full page. 

I'm doing a research paper on the terrible effects of stress on your health. Go figure. I'm pretty stressed about it, but the Lord has granted me good sleep in the midst of it. I was awaken by the Lord at 7:05am with ideas for my next paragraph/area of research already swimming in my head. I don't recommend this at all, but I'm researching as Im writing. I have to be time efficient on this one. 

As for my 15minute group presentation for tomorrow, the Lord has been gracious again as my prof announced in class yesterday, "If anybody is set to go Thursday but your schedules are really busy and you're overwhelmed or something like that, you are free to go next Tuesday instead." OHMYGOSH THANKYOU!!! He asked if any body would like that and I was like, "I VOLUNTEER! I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!" And he was like, "Okay. You remember then, 'cuz I'm not writing it down."

And then later I got a text from my elusive presentee-classmates asking if we'd like to go on Tuesday since Fern's week is so crazy. (Someone wasn't in class I guess....) Actually I've never met them...er... one of them. No idea what they look like or anything. So I guess she wouldn't know it was I who volunteered as tribute for Tuesday. Either way.. PRAISE GOD I ONLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE PAPER AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

I don't usually use so many capitalized letters in my writing...I'm just going insane. 

Another thing, startup disk is full. I'm typing up this paper and I can't even save it. I can't even use my 'Works Cited' option because it can't save my informations of authors. So, I'm just praying my computer doesn't crash (because it does that often) and I'm praying I don't lose the whole thing.

So.. we'll see. We'll see what happens.  

We are 23 hours, 39 minutes away from this paper being due. I've never turned in a late paper. I've also never pulled an all-nighter in college. Every semester I get to a super stressful point and I always think, "Okay. Tonight is the night. I'ma pull an all-nighter." And then I conk out at 11pm. The latest I've ever stayed up doing home work was 3am My freshman year. Not because I had to, but because my friend's 10-page paper got deleted at 11pm when it was due 7:30am the following day. So I stayed up with her. That was fun. I mean.. stressful for her, but I had fun. 

Okay. Goodness. I need to get another paragraph on this thing. We'll just take it 100 words at a time. :/

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It is now 4pm


Crunch time. I mean this morning was crunch time. But Crunch time just got crunchier. 

I need to get this donne. 

---

I feel like a little bit of a crazy genius because I made a realization that boosted my confidence in this paper just a wee little bit. 

I've been writing from the perspective that stress causes certain hormone levels to rise and make an excess secretion of acid in the stomach and cause ulcers. I mean, research supports this view, so why not?

BUT! Along the way, my research brought me to some studies suggesting a sneaky bacteria called Helicobacter Pylori. A pre-existing infection in the guts. 

At first I disregarded this theory because it's not likely that everyone suffering ulcers has infections of the stomach... but this is actually an interesting find. Why?? Because stress stinkin' suppresses your immune system! And if your immune system is suppressed, then these ulcer-inducing bacteria have a chance to do some damage. And then the stress does factor into the ulcers but not for the same reason you may have thought. Isn't that amazing? It's amazing.  

I mean, you're probably not interested in my health psychology research, but I liked making that connection...on my very own. Now I'm redirecting my research a little. 

Guys!! I have 2 whole pages! Okay.. so I need 4 more. But!!! I've got a few hours to work with it.

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4:23pm

Okay, so, I know I've been focusing all of my research on ulcers for the past 23 hours, but, ya know, things change. Like...paper topics.... 

Right so, this whole discovery about immune system suppression and ulcer development means something. It's more significant than I thought. I mean, I'm going to talk about stress and immune system suppression as the overal topic of research and then my ulcer research can be one of my points. Granted, I'll have to do more research to see what else results from stress... colds and what nots, but I'll work with this. The nature of my disease will now focus on how the immune system works. 

I hate medical stuff, guys. You have no idea. I don't actually care how the immune system works, but I'm about to become an expert. 
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9:39pm

I just want to some how some way add 500 words to my stinkin' paper by 10:30. That shouldn't be that hard. But research papers are all so picky about having all your information be  cited and backed by research. What if I just want to say my own thoughts on what you should do to prevent illness onset and my own thoughts about how to treat your problem??

Plus I'm still going insane. Or maybe I've achieved insane-hood. I'm SO STINKIN CLOSE to being able to save this thing and walk away. I mean... one page. That's all it'd take. I've got 5 pages and I need one more. If only papers were as easy as blogging. I can make myself type semi-coherent sentences into a blog. When I read my paper, all I read is "aowhofawohf awoe awoadnadsoi aosijawwaosg." That's how much sense it makes to me right now. This is basically all I'm doing right now. 

I'm brilliant I know. Rewording the same thing over and over. And my contacts are sticking to my eyeballs... 

I've skipped 6 hours of class this week so far. That makes me feel like a bad student. But I'm doing it so that I can be a good student and perform well academically. 


-----11:00pm-----

Done. At exactly 11.

Praise the Lord. 


My contacts are stuck to my eyeballs and I can barely read anything I type anymore. But I'm done. 

Just in time too, I feel a sore throat coming on...

Journal Entry no. 2

My study guide is now 22 pages and counting. I'm almost through all the material though!! Woohoo! 


I think I thought that when I went to bed I'd wake up and the snow would be gone and it'd bounce back into warm 50F degree weather. Not so. 

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I wanna spend time in the Word. Come Friday, I wont be answering my phone til noon. 

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I emailed my prof about skipping his class last night and informed him of all my academic overwhelmed-ness and his response was, "I will pray for you, Fern."
Whaaat??? Oh my goodness. My day is MADE. 

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Also, Nicaraguan coffee + Hot cocoa powder + peppermint coffee creamer = CHRISTMAS IN A COFFEE CUP OHMYGOODNESS!

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I've made a little progress on my 8-paged paper. I've got my opening line in my head. It goes, "Have you ever noticed that after an especially stressful week of class or exams, you seem to get sick once you finally have time to relax?"  Sounds pretty good right? I came up with that as I was falling asleep last night. Took a little stress off my mind knowing I had a start on it at least. 

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No progress yet on those 3 homework assignments due today. They'll just have to wait. 

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I'm working a little today. Right after my exam. Not that I have time, even, to accept hours, but I'll take what I can get. Gas isn't going to pay for itself now is it? I just hope I don't rush through the exam in an attempt to get my nanny kid to swim team practice on time. Exam is at 3:30 and swim team is at 4:30. 
He'll be late. I already know that. But I'll work with it. Not gonna stress too much. Plus when I get done with that, I'm writing a paper. I mean.. half of it. I'm shooting for 4 pages tonight before bed. Because I work tomorrow, too. 
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Phew! Okay done. My study guide is 26 pages but it encompasses everything mentioned as important for knowing. it's 9:40am and I'm on coffee cup number 5. Soon to be 6. And I don't want to write any more words. But the exam has essay questions on them. :/ yuck. 

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I'm going to drive the ol' caddy today. I have to drive it back to Storm Lake for Thanksgiving so I guess it'll be good to test it out a little. Make sure I trust it. All that stuff. 

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I honestly feel stressed enough to have it be finals week. Or more stressed. This is stressful, guys. And I'm sure in like, a month I'm gonna look back and be like, Ah gee, not so bad. BUT SERIOUSLY... now. It's like... the world is gonna explode. Or my head is. Or both. And my kidney. My poor little kidney. All alone doing all this make up work while I consume so much drinkage. 

--1:40pm-----

I got one of my homework assignments turned in! Woot! And I take this exam in 2 hours. 

---- 

Also my presentation got moved to Tuesday. PRAISE. THE. LORDT! 

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TO do:

Take exam

Work 0_0 

Write 8 paged paper

One more home work assignment

2 more quizes

Breathe

Take a Chill pill

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The Life of a College Student:Journal Entry No. 1

Today is crunch day and we're 6 hours into it. 

12:02pm on Monday the 11th of November. 

OH MY GOSH I GRADUATE IN ONE MONTH!

To do by THURSDAY:

Take 2 more quizes

STUDY FOR MY SOCIAL COG EXAM TOMORROW

Write an 8 page paper on how stress effects your health.. CAN I JUST WRITE ABOUT HOW UNHEALTHY SCHOOL IS FOR EVERYONE??? That paper is due in 3 days and I don't have anything more than the topic picked out. By the time I get around to it... I might have a few words of snark and sarcasm to flavor the thing. Stress, man. 

Find a time to meet up with elusive classmates for group presentation and figure out who is doing what for the 15 minute presentation. Oh my goodness I do not have time to meet with people this week :/ We present on Thursday, though.. so maybs we should figure that out before then.. 

Write and turn in 3 homework assignments due TOMORROW. 


-----shoot me now------


Coffee consumption level: 6 cups

Water consuption:2 cups

Current drink of choice: I asked for a cup of hot water to keep my hands warm while studying in this INSANELY COLD coffee shop and...now I'm drinking it because I'm thirsty and too settled in to get up and get cold water. 

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Let's also add trying to fit in work tomorrow and Wednesday. I can do this right??  Yeah? I'll work that in there some how some way. 

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My study guide is now 13 pages. It so far covers 1 1/2 lectures. 

There are 8 lectures total. I'm gonna run out of paper. 

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Also, thoughts while being an overwhelmed college student, my kidney is gettin' it's workout today.
When people find out I only have one kidney they're always like, "Oh! So you drink a lot of water all the time, right??" 

Uhmm... water that has coffee in it. Does that count?

Except today. I drinked my cold water and now my two cups of hot water. And I'm only half-way through the day. Maybes if I pace myself I can end up drinking all those 8 glasses of water they recommend. I'm really bad at drinking water. Except when I'm stressed. I drink waterever is in front of my in insane amounts when I'm stressed because it's an excuse to put my pen down for a second. 

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The hot water at Java House tastes kinda funny when it gets cold. 

Maybe it's like the concession stands where the water we use for hotchocolate is actually really nasty and an odd color and then we just add hot cocoa mix so people don't know what the water we used for it looked like for real. Only this water is clear. So maybe it's not that bad. It just tastes funny. 

But then again, Iowa City draws their water out of the river from a plant that is downstream of a sewage plant. Why do they do that? So much nasty. 
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There are a lot of old people who have coffee dates. Cute. 

Also! The man behind the counter has an incredibly shiney head. Or maybe my contacts are starting to stick to my eyeballs. 

And who knew shiney wasn't a real word. It's not because it autocorrected and when I looked up the spelling in a dictionary, no results were found. Hmm... Shine is a word though. Just not shiney. 

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10:30pm.....


I took a 2hr nap 5pm-7pm. 

I'm still working on that study guide. 5 lectures out of 8 and 21 pages. 

I ate a can of tuna and an orange for supper. I need to buy or make bread or something. 

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It snowed today. That was pretty. I like snow a lot. It's cold though. I realized that I bought a car but not an ice scraper to go with my car. :/ Credit cards, yo. They make good ice-scrapers. 

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I love my cornbag a lot. So warm. So cozy. 

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I ate a tomato like an apple. It was delightful. 

Also, I'm starting to fade a little. I just have a little bit more to go before calling it a night and hitting the books again in the morning. *sigh* It might as well be finals week. Maybe. Gosh. Idk. I skipped my favorite class tonight and that makes me a little sad. 

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Oranges Smell like Christmas

I peeled and ate an orange for breakfast this morning and now my hands and my dining room smell like oranges. I'm also drinking coffee with a peppermint mocha creamer in it. Mmm! It might as well be Christmas now! 

The smell of oranges to me are the smell of Christmas. It seems like when I go home for Christmas break, my mom is great at assuring we shall never be in want for an orange. Not only does it keep the colds in the house to a minimum, oranges are just a great snack when hanging out in the kitchen with the siblings. Or when you're hanging out in the living room, or just.. basically they're the best. 

Some of my favorite Christmas breaks in all my memories were ones when we were working out way through the Psych serious on Netflix.We would pile all over each other on the couch under blankets and peel and eat oranges while watching Psych. 

I guess oranges smell like sibling cuddling time to me too. At home, the unspoken rule is, if someone peels an orange, you can help eat it. And that goes whether or not they peeled it for themself and have the thing in their hands. It's like, you peel an orange thinking, "this is gonna be great" and then 5 hands show up in front of you expecting to leave with one of your precious slices in it. Next thing you know, you got one wedge. 

We don't mind. We like sharing. :)

Now I'm all into dreaming about Christmas break. Or Thanksgiving even! Because I have 3 homework assignments to turn in, one 15 minute presentation, one exam, one 6 paged paper, and 4 quizzes all in the next 4 days. LIKE THAT'S SO MUCH I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY OF IT! 
I'm not complaining. I'm just overwhelmed. And stressed. And I want to ignore all of it 'cuz it's like... too much, but I can't. So, I might just cry or something. Probs, I will. 

It's easy for me to look towards the future when I'm not fully content with the present. Sometimes I think, "Man, when I just get to that next thing, then I'll be happy and less stressed and just... content." Haha... what a joke. 

I said that a lot last Spring, "I just can't wait for summer. When summer gets here, things will get easier." Well, Summer came and then it was, "I can't wait to move. When I get this move over with, then things will settle down." Which turned into, "Gah, when I just get this new place unpacked and settled in, then I can rest a bit." 
And that became, "When we just get a new routine figured out, that'll be better" And that became, "When school starts again, then I'll have a routine. I just can't wait for school to start again." Which of course is now, "When I get to the weekend, or thanksgiving, or graduation, or a new job or whatever."  
IT DOESN'T STOP. 

You just keep thinking the best is yet to come. And maybe it is. But there is a point where you gotta stop and be thankful for NOW. 

Like last week, I was at a NeedtoBreathe concert in this quaint little bar in downtown Iowa City. I'm kinda short. I mean, not kinda... I am. And me and my group were basically standing in the back behind all the people. And I kept thinking, "man, that guy in front of me is really tall.. if I could just stand in front of him, then I could see." But then I looked and saw that the person in front of him was tall and the next person and the next. I'd basically have to be in the front row to see the band. 

Standing in the back I could be thankful I wasn't squished or suffocatingly hot. I wasn't so close to the speakers that I could actually exchange words and comments with my friend, I could hear the sound pretty well and I mean, I was there. I also have the advantage that I've met the band before so seeing them wasn't as critical to me. But it was kind of a moment to step back and think about being all there in the present time when you should be. It's good to hope for the future, but it's really important to be thankful for the now. 

The point where your future hopes sprinkle distaste on your present circumstance is the point where you need to stop looking ahead and look where you're trippin'. 

That's what I'm learning. Current contentment. Because Ima graduate supa soon and I'm not as ready for that as I imagine I am sometimes. Because there's a big ol' hashtag called "Responsibility" that comes with all that adulthood stuff and not only do I not have the funds for all of that, I'm not very emotionally strong at trying new things either. There will just be a lot that comes with the transition that will bring a little stress. Which is good. It's normal. It's going to happen. I just need to be content with the now. 

What is Fair?

I wanna know how it was that David wrote so many Psalms out of the distress of his heart and never cussed. I mean, not that I cuss...out loud, but when the moment arises, I'm not going to pretend to be a good christian role model and say that I'm not thinking angry words in my mind. 'Cause I am. 

My close friends and accountability partners know this. I mean, I don't want them to be shocked if ever we're together and I haven't been walking very closely with the Lord and the reigns on my tongue have gone slack. 

Really there is no temptation for curse words when my heart is at peace with the Lord. Not at all. But my heart isn't always at peace with the Lord and that equals my heart not being at peace at all. Which means its not in one piece at all either. 

It's a good heart check, though, if you find yourself not at peace. I realized this yesterday when I was trying to decide what music I wanted to listen to in my car and all my worship-y stuff was too mellow for me. 

I'm a closet screamo fan. For Today, As I Lay Dying, Plea For Purging, Sleeping Giant... Mmm. Some days I just need some of that stuff and yesterday I didn't have it. But I usually need that stuff when I'm just...angry. I want what I hear to be a projection of what I feel and so if I'm a little grumpy than I need a good grumpy jam. Not that those bands are angry per se. They're Christian and they're about Jesus but they cater more to those angry/emo people who can only be reached through angry sounding words of love. 

I didn't have any screamo in my car yesterday and that just made me a little bitter. I was already bitter about life so it was kinda the point where I realized I was kinda enjoying wallowing in self pity. 
And it's not even that my life is going badly. It's not my circumstances at all. It's my heart. 

My heart that so desperately wants to spend time with the Lord and a busy life that prevents such a desire to be satisfied. And then people who also don't let their hearts be satisfied by the Lord being grumpy and suddenly our irons made to sharpen irons look a lot like jousting poles and rather than call someone out in love we start poking holes in each other as if the other person were a baked potato before you stick it in the microwave.   

Why does everyone always gotta be right? That doesn't work. Someone has to concede somewhere. And I'm in this mindset of, "well, I'm always the humble one, it's always me who drops the first stone, it's about time I had my own justice." And it's not even any issue of right or wrong. It's just a matter of difference of opinion. And part of me wants to fight and the other part of me hates conflict well enough that it's like, "whatever I don't care." 

There are so many people who are all like, "Peace man. Let's all just accept every body as being uniquely different and let's spread love, man. We just need love." 
Bull. You can't accept everybody's opinion because if they're different opinions than they clash. 
One has to be right and one has to be wrong. Even God could tell you that. 

One heart not at peace with the Lord is hell enough but when you get a couple believers in that same chaotic hole of death, I mean, you might as well invite the devil to dinner and a movie and then give him some of your extra blankets and a pillow since he already seems to have made himself at home. 

There was a time in high school when I had this big whole conflict with some people going down and I knew I was right and they were wrong and I wasn't about to let them have any power over me because I wasn't the one in the wrong. My dad sat me down and talked to me about it and he said, "The mature one apologizes first." Of course at first I was like, "great! I'm like decades younger so then it's all on them. I don't have to do anything." Of course my dad gently pointed out that age doesn't make a difference on whether or not someone is mature and if you really love the Lord you should always strive to be the mature one. 

Gosh. I don't want to be the mature one. I want to be justified in my anger. I want to have the right to be seething. 

When I was in middle school, for some reason, some of my older sisters went on a mission to put scripture in front of us more often and they put hand-written verses up all over the house. 
One of those was, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry for anger gives a mighty foothold to the devil."Not just any old foothold, a mighty foothold. A strong foothold. One that gives him an advantage in the war for your soul. 

Anger places you on the side of the enemy. The moment you let your heart open the door to anger and bitterness, that is the moment you have become a traitor to the Lord and to his people. That is the moment you start shooting your arrows and stabbing your knives into the hearts of the people who worship along side you on a sunday morning. Anger is probably one of the best war tactics that Satan has. As he seeks to hammer and chisel a wedge of discord into every good and godly relationship. The angry wedge of sin seems like the most accepted one because in our blind want for justice we think that it is right to have a wedge between us and it fits so well, it might as well stay. 

Anger is a fire. A crazy wild fire kindled by the smallest irritations and annoyances. It is never satisfied and will devour more than just the deed that first welcomed its existence. That's why complaining is so dangerous. Complaints are just small angers about things that weren't actually that bad. 

There is a difference between complaining and stating true facts. You can say you had a long day and are really tired and your feet hurt. But you can only say it as long as you are not slightly angry that you had a long day and you're really tired and your feet hurt. The point where you're a little angry about it is the point where you need to keep your mouth shut and spend a little time with the Lord and remove the footholds satan is putting up to scale the wall of your fortress. 

So what is righteous anger then? Welll??? That's when we get angry at someone else's injustice. That's when human trafficking upsets us and abortion breaks our hearts. That's when we hear some kid got stopped from praying at school and it irks us off a little. 

Righteous anger is when our hearts are so aligned with the Lord that the things that anger Him are the things that anger us. Righteous anger is not about us. It's not about our preferences. 
Righteous anger is not an angry Christian, that's self-righteous anger. I think we mistake the difference way to often. 

The Lord showed righteous anger when he went into the temple and there was buying and selling because it was an injustice against  God. There was Righteous anger when dealing with the Israelites because it was an injustice against how God had showed them unconditional love and protection and provision and they were violating His requirements. There was Righteous anger when the Israelites were mis-treated because that was a violation against people made in God's image and called into His marvelous light. 

That is when Righteous anger is justified. When it violates God, not our own human selfish desires. 

Christians are really good at calling anger at another Christian "righteous anger." We're really good at seeing the flaws in other human beings. "Well, gosh, if I'm a believer and that person calls their self a believer and they act that way and I would never do anything like that, that makes me so mad." 

"I have every right to be angry with that person because I'm a believer and they're a believer and they hurt my feelings and believers aren't supposed to hurt each others feelings."

"Well they're not following the rules and I am and it makes me mad that when we signed up for this we all knew the commitment and they aren't being as committed as me. I'm way more committed and it makes me mad that others are not. I'm mad that they aren't as good as Christians as me."

I'm preaching to myself too when I say this but... Get.Over.Your.Self. Like, now. Worry about the state of your own heart before you (self) righteously cast judgement on the people around you. There's a lot of truth to the command to take the hog out of your own eye before you go for the spam in someone else's. 

Let him who understands grace be the one to drop the first stone. Walk away. You're anger is no more justified than the crime that sparked it to existence. Wanna know what'll put out that fire? Like how do you just NOT be angry? The key to not... is to not. No, actually, Jesus can work that sliver outta your heart. 
I mean, he might have to get out a safety pin and tweezers and work and squeez and coax that bad boy out, but he can. He's probs the only one who can. 

A word of warning to the wise, deal with it now. The church doesn't need a congregation of porcupines and cactuses and thistles and thorns. If that's the best you have to offer than you may as well put Jesus on the cross every day. "Here, Lord! I made you crown out of the best that I have. I hope you like it."

"Oh geez, these thorns don't slip on your head as well as I thought they would. Oh no worries, we'll just push down on 'em really hard and wrench them on their some how. Oh ouch! Dang, I poked my finger. Oh well. There you go, Lord. That looks great! Your head is bleeding a little but, heck, it adds a little color." 

How stupid are we? God doesn't freakin' want your justified anger. He wants to take it away from you is what he wants. So we have a choice. Surrender, or die. Die a little bit internally every day. Die to the life of joy and peace and harmony you could have. Die to satisfaction and fulfillment and true justice. 

"BUT I DESERVE JUSTICE! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!" 

What is fair?

I deserve to go to hell.

 That's fair. That's the justice I deserve. That's what I SHOULD get every time I'm justified in anger and discord and grumpiness. Not because someone else wronged me, but because I have wronged the Lord by preparing a feast in the presence of my enemy and then eating it with him. I have wronged the Lord by talking war tactics with the wrong side. 

Good thing the Lord is a great surgeon. He can have that splinter wronged into your heart out of their in no time. That is, as long as you be still enough for him to work on it. 

 ^"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak,slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive withmeekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." James 1:19-21

Trudging.

I haven't had a ton of inspiration lately. It's the part of the semester where you take it one day at a time and panic a little over the impending deadlines and pressure to do well. 

Sometimes, when I get really overwhelmed, I basically don't want to do anything at all. Like go to class, do my homework, go to Salt stuff. But I still do it anyways...but grumpy. 

I've been quite overwhelmed, honestly. Spiritually, anyways. Fridays are supposed to be my Sabbath as my Saturdays are typically spent working concessions stands or traveling. However, the last two Fridays have more on the hectic side, filled with baking, and meeting people, and homework and study. I feel overwhelmed that the Sabbath hasn't happened for a while. Even now, I woke early enough to read the news, drink coffee, eat breakfast, and stop and reflect a little, but soon I shall be rushing out the door to drive across town, to catch a bus, to walk a few blocks to class.

I've also had to relearn my purpose as a Bible study leader. This is my 4th year leading Bible studies for college women and it's the trickiest one. My sophomore year, I led my peers and we all seemed to be, roughly, in the same place. It was also at that time that I attended a Bible study where I met the girls I live with now. Or at least, 2 of the girls I live with now. My third roommate I met a year later when I lead a smaller study. But every year since Sophomore year I've been doing Bible study with the same core group of girls and expanding along the way. Last year we closed out with 9 regular attenders and a list of 16 girls to pursue and encourage. 

Now is the part where we go separate ways. I'm leading a freshman/sophomore study and all of us are new to each other. I keep having to remind myself that it's not going to be as intimate and honest and comfortable as the last years I've had. Somehow I still feel like it's a reflection on me as a leader somehow. I know it's not, but it stresses me out. 

Plus it's getting to be that time of year where I'm grinding to a halt and I look so forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas that I fail to see what may be right in front of me. It's a fault I have. I get overwhelmed by the present and look toward the future and then miss out on things I could have enjoyed. I don't want to complain, but I've been in more of a negative mood lately. I don't like negative moods. 

I really try to be good enough for people. ALL the time. And I'm not, really. I mean, I have SO many friends who would say such nice things about me, but I'm kind of in this mindset of not being totally accepted as myself. It's not true, of course, but it has the power to exhaust me even though I know it's a lie. Amazing isn't it? Lies are pretty dang powerful. I suppose Truth is supposed to have twice the power as a lie does, however, I'm really bad at knowing how to use it. Or maybe just at using it at all. 

Scripture would probably be a good place to start. I think I'm going to commit to taking some time at May's Cafe to catch up on some Truth. I definitely need to be set free from the smallness of my own thinking. I think my mind is the worst kind of prison. I lock myself in there a lot. It's not very pleasant. 

I need a coffee date with someone who knows Truth and encouragement. 

And Jesus. I need a coffee date with Jesus. 

November

Guys, I keep starting all these blog posts and then not posting them at all. 

It's another absolutely beautiful rainy day here in Iowa City. I LOVE rain so much. Or maybe I love everything that comes with rainy days like hot coffees, soups, bread, blankets, warm fuzzies... all that cozy love and warmth stuff. You don't need anybody to help you enjoy a rainy day, you can read or spend time with the Lord or something introverted like that. 

I'm not an introvert, but rain inspires some introverted enjoyments sometimes. 

I saw a meme on facebook this morning that said, "November: that time of year where the people who have been complaining on facebook the last 11 months are thankful for 30 days." Haha. I love that. Because it's true. I mean, I hate that it's true, but it's funny that someone made a joke of it. 

Just because there is one designated day of the year for being thankful doesn't give us an excuse for complaining the other 364 days of the year. If you have anything to be thankful for on the day of Thanksgiving than you have nothing to complain about at all. 

I'm thankful for rain. Lots of people can complain and say that rain = crappy weather, but it's beautiful to me. Same with life trials. I mean, those are awful, but they're beautiful. 

Lots of people think that "bad" things that happen are horrible and the absolute worst. I mean, even I have a terrible attitude about trials and difficulties. I'm the worst complainer about those things. But God sees them as beautiful because it is out of the brokenness of our lives that grow the sweetest fruits. 
That is, as long as you don't let yourself become bitter about them. 

A year ago I was still swimming in the mire of a broken life and I had nothing to offer any body and I cried every day and every night and all the time. But it was beautiful because every true word spoken to me touched me in the deepest places and God's love soothed in the best way and music brought peace and my heart felt everything. Apathy was not an option because the pain in my heart reminded me that life was real and feelings were real. 

I miss that sometimes. Feeling in the deepest places. I'm not broken that deeply at this point of my life any more. But, my goodness, I wouldn't have traded what happened to cause so much pain for a thousand of my own dreams and desires coming true. I have been blessed twice over and then some. My joy is more than complete, it is too much for my heart most of the time. God has blessed me with the richest life and best relationships and a ministry that needs me. 

Life is not promised to be easy. The Christian life is not promised to be bliss. But you wouldn't want it to be. Without rain, nothing would ever grow. The sunshine wouldn't seem as warm, the hot coffee wouldn't be as pleasant, the blankets wouldn't be as comforting. Rain is the best. And because of it, you can enjoy your blankets in the summer time too. 

My parents and three of my little siblings came into town to visit me this past weekend. They got to come to church with me and meet some of my friends. I was blessed to have so many of my friends want to come and meet my family and my little brother started counting how many friends I had. 

I didn't even feel like half my friends had gotten to meet my family when my little brother informed me he was up to 15 friends that I had. What? 15?? Last year I would have said that I had maybe 5 or 10 friends at most. :) I am blessed. I am overwhelmingly blessed.