Patches and Peace

I can't believe how quickly April came and went. The grass is now a beautiful green and the leaves on the tree are putting forth a gallant effort to prove to the world that, yes, they are indeed still alive. 

It's a rainy sort of Monday. I find it to be relaxing, honestly. I think if there is any one grain of sand that really gets under my skin, it's complaining. People who complain make m want to complain about their complaining. It's a vicious cycle. Obviously I can't blame my bitterness towards the subject on anyone other than myself. 

But as a practice, I try to think of something to be thankful for in all things so that the bitter seeds of complaint get choked out by the fruits of the spirit. However, you have to be cultivating the garden that is your heart if you actually want to see growth and beauty come from it. 
I don't know what it was that first cause me to slow in my pursuit of the Lord's peace and good grace, but my heart has not fully been at rest these last few weeks.

I've gotten more work hours and the weather has been nice. That equals me not sitting down for three hours of my spare moments to meet with Jesus and keep Him in my inner most circle of friends. I think since I have quite come to love sitting with God for many hours at a time, if I just have 20 minutes or half an hour, I feel like I wouldn't have enough time and so I give it up altogether.

That is silly, obviously, but I tend to have a silly thought process most of the time. But, for as many days that have gone by without me penning a prayer in my journal, the deep, unmoving sense that I am loved to the bottom of my heart never changes, never shakes, never leaves. 

I've heard many Christians says, "I need to recharge my spirit life" as if they run on a battery pack apart from a source and are off wondering around and half to return on occasion. But, at the point where The Lord promised, "I will never leave you or forsake you" that is the point where peace tells you that you will never be disconnected from the source. You may ignore it, perhaps, and satan might make you to believe that you are, but you aren't. And you never will be.

Part of why my heart is not at peace is because I sense my friend group shifting ever so slightly. 
My friends were stitched into the fibers of my heart when I needed them most and the tugging and tension I feel as life begins to move towards change and new adventures has me ill at ease, once again. For the longest time, last fall, I worried and worried that things would not be the same when he school year started. But, my friends stayed and we made more memories. And then I graduated and worried that things would change since I'd be working more, but things stayed and we grew closer and made more memories. 

But the clock is running down. Two months. Two months more before changes really change officially. When I first moved to Iowa City, I dreaded it and hated it and prayed for the day I would leave again. But now, five years later, my heart is quite in love and I have my heels in the ground about replanting my life, again. 

But the adventure of following The Lord is too great to pass up. I've thought about plopping down right here and now and calling Iowa city my forever home. My heart would be happy, yes, but I know there is more out there, with a Heavenly Father like my own, I know there is more than  my breaking heart can comprehend and that the next adventure will help re-stitch the fabric that is being tugged and torn now. 

One of my good friends has encouraged me to think about this precious, blessed time of my life as the sunrise to a good day...rather than the sunset. It has been really encouraging to boldly ask The Lord to set my heart at peace as I take on that perspective. I just feel so loved in how I have been pursued by my friends. 


Even last night, one friend came over and then another insisted we come help make pie. And we did, we spontaneously jumped in the car to join our friends for laughter and joy and priceless memories. It overwhelms me to think that The Lord would love me so much and bless me so far beyond the capacity of my heart. I'm sure that is why my heart has to break, though.just so The Lord can make it bigger by adding patches and reinforcement. 

My friends and I have been discussing how we are not called to be comfortable. But we want people to feel comfortable at church when they come. Or welcomed at the very least. I think the real answer that we should not feel comforted by situations or circumstance but, rather, by the peace of the Holy Spirit reassuring us that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I know this blog post is quite unorganized, but I think the big point I'm trying to communicate is that, I am so thankful for this time of life and the many blessings I have and I am struggling with moving on to the next big adventure, but ultimately, I know The Lord goes before me.

However, my heart aches with the growing pains of being stretched to new capacities. But alls I can do is surrender.