Twas Day One

Shall we play this game again? The part where I post of my insanity every day of finals week?
Heh... that'll be obnoxious, probably... but it IS my final week of finals. Yay!! 

You know when you wake up feeling like you've been hit by a truck? I mean.. not that I've been hit by trucks very often in my life..or ever. But, days like this morning... I tell you what, rough stuff. 

Perhaps, though, if I wouldn't cry whenst feeling so incredibly overwhelmed I wouldn't wake up feeling like death since it usually works out better to go to sleep fully hydrated rather than drained and exhausted from crying for a good one or two hours right before sleeping. However, every new day is one step closer and there is always new hopes in the morning. :)

I'm half-way done, though. I've taken two finals already. And! If you want to know, both of them were essay format exams and the first one, I had to write, basically an 8 paged paper by hand in an hour and 15 minutes whilst citing journal articles and vomiting all information I knew into an organized, cohesive mass of words. Fortunately for me, I have a friend that served as an excellent anecdote and I was able to fill one full page with the information he'd shared with me and some minor embellishments to fill space. So, 75 minutes of writing wasn't so painful.. apart from writers cramp from holding my pencil too tightly while fervorishly writing and organizing and fitting all my information in as fast as I could go.  
The beast came on Friday when I entered the computer lab at 10:30 and began my essay final and wrote and wrote and wrote and finished at 2:50 in the afternoon. 4 1/2 hours :/ My brain was oatmeal soup after that. 

Now I'm hunkering down on memory. How do you memorize how memory works? Oh mah goodness, this class SHOULD have been about all the tricks to memorizing information well and reproducing it on exams. That would have been practical. Oh well. Practical is for the simple-minded, I guess.

*sigh* I keep drinking all my coffee. :( Like I pour myself a cup, and it's wonderful.. and then I drink it. And then I go to raise the mug to my lips and it's empty. That's happened twice now. I want to drink more.. but my brain is telling me that I should be nice to my kidney this week and maybs drink some water or something.  

It snowed the most beautiful big snow flakes last night! SO pretty. And no wind either... just falling angel kisses. I loved it. I should have loved to stand in it for hours and reflect on life and all things deep, but... that sort of freedom will come later. Too much later. 

Also... I'd just like to say that you know that everyone is going insane over finals week when your brothers are fighting over who gets to play Mary in the family Christmas play over break. Not that family Christmas play is even a thing that we do, but since my little cousins didn't get to perform for their grandparents, they're reinacting their reinactment and we older cousins have to fill in and help reinact the reinactment of the reinactment and mom gave us the option of choosing which christmas play character we wanted to be. 

I volunteered to be Baby Jesus. No one else has requested that part yet, so I think I get it. The brothers will have to audition for Mary, though. Eva gets to be Joseph. 

I'm at my favorite coffee shop now. :) I've been studying memory retrieval. So complicated. But the customer service here is excellent. They even re-heat cornbags for you if you ask them nicely. :) 

I'm border-lining panic attack for tomorrow's exam. I thought I would have done really well on that obnoxious ten-paged paper I wrote, but it wins for lowest paper grade received in college thus far, knocking the previously held record of low paper grade from 'B+' to "C'.  How does that even happen? I don't know. It did though. Miserable me. Now I have to get an amazing grade on tomorrow's exam. Not that I will... I hope I do.. But I stink at memory in every sense of the word. I may as well be diagnosed with memory loss right now. I can't even remember how to life half the time. 

I like the snow outside, though. I'm going insane. But the snow is pretty. I mean.. It's dirty too, though. Kinda like me. Cleansed by the Lord but perpetually covered in dirt. Or getting dirt thrown on me. Or just.. idk. Me. Dirt. Samezies. 

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it's 8:11pm now..........


My brain is shot and I've only actually put in 8 hours of studying :( :( I need to stay up til 11pm some how. Cramming more information into my poor little brain that barely has enough room for the important stuff as it is. 

We're 19 hours away from exam time. Really I should be up all night with it. But my brain wasn't even built for the capacity of retaining new information past 11pm or even making sense after 11pm. 

Everything was really funny to me about 20 minutes ago... now I just wanna go to bed. For real. I could fall asleep right now. I COULD drink coffee, I guess... but I'm down to just enough grounds for ONE LAST POT of coffee. I'm savoring those grounds with everything I've got. I need them. 

What if I took a nap? Would that be bad? I wouldn't sleep all night probably then. I need to push myself to study for 2 more hours... :/ 

Also! This is completely unrelated to anything.. but.. I just really want to be a worth something. I don't know what that means or what that would even look like.. but that's a dream I have. And I don't say that because I feel worthless... nope. I don't. I feel like God loves me and wants me and finds me valuable. But.. to people.. I want to be worth keeping. You know? Like.. a friend that frees people to not be weighed down. I mean.. Like I don't want to be a burden or anything like that.. or even a friend that people have be association of my other friends or someone you invite around out of pity. 
No one makes me feel like that, really. I mean I don't think that that's why people invite me to things.. I hope that's not why. I just don't want people to be weighed down by me. I want to be someone who improves the lives of my friends. I want to be a friend worth having. 

I just feel like I could improve that. Not really sure how exactly.. but I'd like to improve that. My friend abilities that is. 

And like I said.. that's just a random dream/life goal I have. I'm only thinking about it because I have to study and every suppressed thought I ever had surfaces like a beach ball when I try to focus all my energies on one single task. I'm not very good at that life stuff. 

Life. I always think it's out to kill me during finals week. Finals is the death of an extrovert. Extroverts like me can't handle this isolation and studying concept that is so demanded of getting good grades. I'd rather be with people who live and breathe and say words.