If I could somehow insert some sort of pause that showed how stunned and in awe I am at the Lord, I would put it right here. I almost don't have words, but I don't want to forget it, so I will write it down.
The Lord is so incredibly faithful.
If you have followed my blog for any of the last 10 months, then I don't have to tell you how much my heart has become so attached to the little town that is Kalona. Not the town, exactly. But the landscape of farms and hills and sunsets and beauty, and the people! My goodness the people. I hate them for stealing my heart, but I love them. When I go to their church functions or gatherings or even just hangout nights with my friends, it's as if my heart has come home.
I have, for some time now, been playing with the idea of requesting a mentor or discipler or just some sweet lady from that community to teach me how to be a godly woman of peace and gentleness. The idea first popped into my head almost a year ago to the day. I had yet to meet the most of my Kalona friends at that point, but it was just a few days after a fellow and I had agreed to take a break from our relationship in hopes of its future revival that I found myself sitting in a cute little coffee shop off of the Coralville strip, burying myself in psychology notes and drinking coffees and distracting myself as best as I could from my broken heart.
I found myself studying at a table that was right next to a girl, whom I had seen at Salt before, and her parents. I didn't know them very well at all..not even her name, I just recognized her. I said "hi" and she sweetly greeted me back and asked me how I was doing. She knew my name, of course, (how does this always happen??) and we made some small talk briefly before my returning to my studies and she to her... uhm.. idk what she was doing... knitting maybe? My head wasn't all there... I had spent too much time crying and drinking coffee and cramming pysch facts into whatever part of my brain still functioned half decently.
In the midst of our exchangings of pleasantries, her mom asked,"How do you know Hannah?" Ah yes, her name is Hannah.. I love it when people drop the names that I don't remember.. "We go to the same church group at school,"I responded. "Oh! That's wonderful!" is what her mom said. I think Hannah mentioned something about me leading See You At the Pole and her mom smiled ever so sweetly.
However small or insignificant that interaction may have seemed to them... it meant the world to me. It meant everything for someone to smile at me because, to me, it was a way that God was telling me that I was loved. Yes, the Lord loves me through random people. (ALL THE TIME!). Hannah left shortly there after but her parents stayed sitting doing whatever they were doing. Perhaps it was an hour or two later that I was still sitting their cramming and numbing my mind when Hannah's mom gathered her things to leave and leaned back over towards me to tell me how glad she was to have met me and that I was welcome out to their farm when ever I should like.
0_0 And by the way, Fern, God really loves you a lot. In case you didn't pick up on that yet, you are incredibly loved.
Be still my heart. I LOVE a farm. I grew up on a farm. I love anything away from the city. And even the thought of someone who barely knew me at all inviting to their farm and even stating that I was welcome in their home ministered to me in the deepest places of my heart.
I have yet to make it out to that farm. But I encountered them several more times at the coffee shop and Hannah has been an incredible blessing as I've met with her for coffee once or twice and have had sweet interactions with her at prayer events and Salt. She's just great!
But, it was the moment where this sweet Mennonite (Kinda sorta) family just opened their arms to me (OUT OF NO WHERE) that spoke volumes to me and I thought to myself, "I need to be in the presence of sweet ladies like that who are just welcoming to people. I need learn that and be like that." And while I've been terrible at pursuing that, I've still had that desire in my heart these last 12 months.
Fast forward a little, I survived finals and took my broken heart home and spent most of my break resting in the knowledge of God's love. I then returned to school and continued the waiting game to see if the relationship break would bring about some sort of rekindling or if we were just stirring around a pile of ashes and nothing more. The Lord gave me strength one day at a time, no more than needed, just enough for a day and time continued to pass.
As Valentines day approached, I could hardly take it any more and spent my afternoon praying and asking the Lord to give me some clarity and relief. I had no sooner said "amen" than my phone buzzed a text message from the fellow and it was clear enough that we had ashes without embers.
Geez, Lord, did my heart really have to break twice?
Sneaky Jesus, though. How could He have timed it better? The day after the DTR (Discontinuing of The Relationship) a friend I had not seen in WELL OVER A YEAR popped up and invited me to a Mennonite Valentine thing at his church. (I've blogged all about the Lord's faithfulness there and you are free to go back and read all of that business). And the ladies there were SO sweet and SO welcoming that again I thought, "aww.. if only I had one to pour into me and teach me to how to walk in godliness. "
I just like how they are. Simple, sweet, welcoming, loving, soft spoken, submissive... kind. And seriously, I mean, my friends from Kalona are SO GREAT! Their moms must be rock stars because they did such a great job. So... I've been contemplating how on earth I could coax one of them into taking me under their wing. Mostly I don't actually know any of them and I'm much too shy when it comes to these sorts of things to have the boldness to ask such a huge favor.
It has been a desire of my heart, though, and I made some progress at the end of the summer when I was invited on a hayride and managed to procure the phone number of one of the sweet ladies who offered me to use her bonfire pit and backyard for all my friends whenever I so desired (She even said she'd put the fire in it for me ahead of time). HOW ARE PEOPLE THIS NICE??? I've asked the advice of some friends and some siblings, "What do you think guys, should I ask one to disciple me?" "well, it's up to you." ...Thanks guys. I mean.. It's a nice idea. I still didn't pursue it, exactly.
So here I am. One year later having survived an other semester. This time it's not a relationship with a man that seems to be burning out but my very own heart. I've poured out the best I have and that's all I got. I've been meeting with various adults for the last 2 or 3 months, seeking help and encouragement and wisdom on what to do next. While I have an army backing me with prayer, my heart is drying out. More than ever I've been thinking how sweet it'd be to have someone to show me how to do this whole Christianity thing. I've been learning from my peers for 5 years now. I need more.
A week ago I met with one of our staff to seek some wisdom and she put me in contact with a sweet lady who has been wanting to minister to girls who need it through prayer and encouragement. Well, it's a start at least. Even if not one of those sweet ladies from Kalona, if she loves Jesus, I'll take her.
:)
We met over the phone today and she is as sweet as sweet can be.
"I'm in Iowa City once a week, but I live a little south of there, do you know of Iowa Mennonite School?"
o_o Yes!
"Yeah, well I teach for this homeschool/public school called Mid Prairie in the Kalona area"
Oh you don't say..
Well, Lord, aren't you the funniest? You're funny. What a sense of humor laced with every kind of love. Be still my heart.
How is the Lord this perfect? Or my life even that important that the details would be so exact. Why does the Lord even care to touch me with the things that make my heart so happy?
I mean, how odd and strange of me to be so... obsessed with Kalona. People probably think I'm psycho..that or they ask me which Mennonite boy I'm so in love with that I get so giddy about Kalona. But they don't even know how much my Jesus has touched my heart via the people. I go back because Jesus is there and He loves me.
My Jesus. I am home with Him.
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