Goodness! Time sure gets away quickly around here these days. Today I'm nothing short of exhausted already. I knew I had to get up and work in the morning so sleep was fairly absent from my night last night and then I was at my nanny job at 6:47am. I dropped the kiddos off at school by 8:15am and arrived at my daycare job by 8:30. I worked in the infant room today instead of my usual 2 year-old room and I quite loved it. It's been a while since I've gotten to hold babies and it was quite a joy.
After work I came home and caught up on some readings before heading out for a walk with a friend and now I'm back to home work and studying for an exam as well as trying not to fall asleep.
Goodness, how the Lord has been moving in my heart lately! I could probably write a book. Or maybe not. Honestly, I'm not fully sure what happened exactly. I went on a retreat with the Salt Company this past weekend and my heart is still trying to catch its breath. Every moment of it was filled with joy and some of those moments swept me off my feet and legitimately took my breath away.
I've realized part of the trick of retreats. Being tired. People don't go on retreats to get any sleep.. at least I don't. Retreats are about being up til the wee hours of the morning with your friends and waking early and all sorts of things that make it so your emotions are raw. Oh gosh, I'm SO emotional when I'm tired. I'm more apt to feel loved by small gestures when I'm tired, which means I'm more apt to cry at them too. Unfortunately, say something mean or critical when I'm tired and my heart will shatter in an instant and I will cry myself to sleep. (You're warned at least).
So, of course the Lord meets me in my raw, emotional state and knocks the wind out of me. That is not to say I live for the experience, but it's nice to know I'm not numb to life all the time. The speaker's message on idolatry was incredible and convicting and everything I needed to hear. On the last night, even while he was still giving his talk I knew I wouldn't have any sort of energy to stand up and worship God by the end of it. I didn't even feel worthy to stand anyhow.
So there I found myself hugging my knees on the floor trying to absorb the love that God so freely lavishes on us when I felt a gentle hand rest on my shoulder. It was in that instant that my heart imploded (I'm pretty sure that's what happened anyways) and the Lord moved in with all His might. Had He been any more near to me in the moment, I doubt my human-ness could have lived to tell of it. I'm quite convinced that if I were to actually experience His full glory I would be killed dead right then and there.
As it was, He gave me a taste of Him and my heart swelled so big my lungs had no room. Between that and the water fountain that became of my eyes, I'm sure He was quite understanding of why I was not singing my worship like many others in the room. But, He gets me. He knows I like to worship him from the ground anyways. So me and Jesus shared a moment. And it took me 2 hours at least to breathe normally again. Still, though, my heart summersaults and dances at the thought of Jesus. Dang, He loves me.
Someone recently asked me the question, "How do you know God is real?" What a great question! I've thought about that possibility. Of Him not being real. But, it wouldn't make sense. I mean, I don't know how else to explain that I have had peace in some of the craziest times. I have felt loved in the deepest darkest broken-est moments of my life. I have had joy when I should have been depressed and I have had life more full than anything I knew prior to inviting the Lord to change my heart. Pain in my heart is no longer a thing of permanence and bitter is only a word I use to describe my coffee on occasion.
I don't think it's really a matter of explain how God is real. The real trick would to be to explain my life if God wasn't real. I am loved. And I feel it down to the core of my being. And only God can fit through the cracks of my heart well enough to reach that far down.
I have friends who don't know Jesus the way I do. I wish they did. I wish they just knew what joy and life there is to be had. I wish they knew how loved they were. I wish I was better at letting them know of it. I mean, I just don't know how to reach them in the places that need to be reached and I don't know how to love them well enough. But I'm learning to surrender to that. Slowly but surely.
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