Weary and Heavy Laden

I've been musing about running away to my friends lately. I really want to and I think I need to as well.. so I'm gonna. 

Although I wish I could run away forever, I'm only running away for a short little blip of time. My flight takes off at 6am  Friday morning. I'm flying to no where. Not any place warmer or more exciting or any bit more lively. I'm not going with friends nor will I have friends when I arrive. I'm simply running away. To a pocket of peace and quiet. To a quaint little farm where I will pick apples, bake pies, and wander alone through the woods. 

All my friends know me as an extreme extravert. The idea of being home alone for more than 2 hours makes me cringe and I often venture out to coffee shops and grocery stores in order to interact with humans and not die a death of loneliness. 

So the fact that I am running away from humanity, you may take it as a sign that things aren't going well in Fern's world. 
My life is not unraveling by any means, but every once in a while, I need to take myself out of the world and gather my thoughts and emotions before feeling okay and alive and dandy as can be. 

I think I love people too much. I try to take on the world and all its problems and strive to improve the lives of everyone around me. This is the part where I find out for the umpteenth time that I'm completely helpless at such a task and all I can do is feel a little defeated at the fact that my life is vastly insignificant. I overwhelm myself trying to make the world feel loved and I often come to wonder what is reflected about myself that no matter what I do, I consistently fall short in being able to make others to feel loved and valued and encouraged. 

I feel like it's something about me that my affirmation is not enough. And then I just want to give up. On everything. Life. Not in a suicidal depressed sort of way.. but mostly I want to give up this life where I'm failing at the one thing I want to do most and just run away and start over. To find someone who will accept my love and encouragement and stay there. Someone who needs me and won't suck the life out of me.

I can only think of the Psalm that asks, "Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" My life is not difficult or plagued with trial and turmoil. My walk has not been in a valley nor has it been in darkness. But I do hear the Lord calling to me, "Come with me by yourself to a quiet place and get some rest." He offered that to His disciples and He speaks it to my heart now. 
He woke me up a little after 7 this morning and asked me if I would like to spend time with Him. Yes, please! 

I'm going on a weekend getaway with Jesus. I'm so excited for it! I'm sure I will have much to tell when I return. :)