The Great Unknown

Coffee, Jesus, breakfast. 

That's about all the thoughts I had as I emerged from my covers and made my way down stairs Sunday morning. I think I also contemplated my life choices some as I considered the fact that I could probably have slept several more hours and been fine with it. As it was, the fact that I even slept til 9am in the first place is quite amazing. 

Being that in the last few weeks, the times I've gone to bed around 11:30, I have not been able to fall asleep before 2 or 3am, I've quite given up such attempts and find myself on all kinds of adventures til the wee hours of the morning. I mean, I pay for it when I wake up, but it's never so much that I feel like I'm dragging throughout the day or not functioning well. Perhaps it's because of the wonder that is coffee, but I'd rather be awake to experience my life than sleep through what could have been a good story. 

I had another full day Saturday. Women's retreat 8:30am-3pm. I spent some of my free moments watching swing dance instructions on youtube and doing my hair with a friend on account there was a swing dance to attend later. Then friends over for supper and campus prayer at 7. It went much better this time and I felt more joy in being there. I think I shall like to attend as many as I came. After that, I arrived at the swing dance around 9:40pm maybe and danced a few, chatted some and then admired the general splendor of what was probably an exciting party in the first hours of its existence. On account I'd arrived late, everyone was basically danced out at that time and so I think a little I was a little saddened at that and chose to look for fulfillment elsewhere, which is never a good idea. Such searching found me in Kalona at 11pm and while that was a refreshing step back from my other friend groups, I wondered at contemplating the motives behind my choices as I made my way home at 2 in the morning. 

I realized I'm running away from life again. I do this sometimes. Maybe even often. Lately it's been this whole time of the year where I don't like to stop and think about any memories that lay in wait to steal away my joy at my present life. I'm not about giving myself a chance to stop and think when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, so I'd just as soon stay out and be distracted til I absolutely have no awakeness left in me and my eyes drop shut the moment I pull the covers up to my chin. 

I'm running from the future, too, I think. I don't know what I'm doing when I finish school. I basic plan is to love Jesus with all my heart and go where He leads me. It's not stressful, but it is. I mean, unknowns. I wish I knew. But I'm glad I don't. I'm more stressed about known things than unknown things. I've been thinking on this a lot lately. I want to run away. My life is almost perfect now. 

I want to runaway before it changes and my heart breaks. I want to save this moment forever and run from what could happen to make it go bad. I want to leave now so that I'll always only remember good things and happy memories. 

Someone stopped me today and commented on how cheery I am whenever we interact. I was asked if my life is magical bliss all the time. Of course I responded that life has a lot of hard times in it,actually, but the joy of the Lord seems stay with me fairly consistently anyways. I was then encouraged to keep holding onto that and not give up hope ever. I like that. Can everyone just remember me that way?
If I run away now you'll always think of me as happy and cheery. But I know the Lord has more for me. As if my life was built to be rough and broken and consistently tried. 

I think I want to run away from what might be coming. My life is too perfect right now. So I can only think that something shall need to be ripped away or broken or seared or severed and ravaged and ruined quite soon. Not that God is a ravaging God, but I know that if I keep choosing to offer my life up to the Lord I shall only meet opposition and pain. I mean.. not from God but the enemy. God wants me to draw near and the enemy wants to chop off my legs so I can't walk anymore. 

I probably sound a little pessimistic, but life is not made to be consistently happy. Life was not made to be perfect and wonderful. Only death can be that. I mean, only a believer's death. But I get kind of sick of my life sometimes. I want adventure and excitement and everything crazy. I want my life to be crazy. 

I don't know what I mean by that, so I guess I should be careful what I wish for. I've been re-evaluating my life a lot lately. It's so tricky. I'm at this vague cross-roads where I'm so aware of my heart because I'm so surrounded by the most wonderful people that I want to attach to them and invest and pour out all that I have. But I hesitate because I know my time here is drawing to an end. Or is it? There is a lot of work to be done for the kingdom in Iowa City. There's much opportunity to see the Lord move. Part of me wants to stick around for it and not miss out on the great story that is Iowa City captured by the Lord. But the other half of me thinks the Lord may be calling me to some place else. Some different people. Something crazy and uncomfortable and rough and heart breaking and life shattering. Something painful and beautiful. Something awful and awesome. 

Something unknown. 

"You call me out upon the water. The great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand."

I want to be better. I say that a lot. But I want always to be more faithful, more consistent, more encouraging, more lovely, more kind. I want always to press onward to attain the prize for the race marked out before me. I want never to give up. I honestly don't know what I am being called to. What great thing the Lord has prepared in advance for me to do and now prepares me in advance to do it. 

I want to be faithful. I want to be so lost in the Lord's love that there is no way for me to wander out of His great woods. My concrete future is unknown to me. But I do know that it is good.