Don't Kick the Bucket

'"No really, it's different this time! I promise!" I tell myself that a lot. Basically every time I take up knitting again. I started in 8th grade. I worked on that scarf all the way through high school (Not consistently, obviously) and then gave up. I think I worked on it some Christmas breaks from college, but eventually it came off its needles, unraveled, and the tangled mess of yarn was tossed away. 

A year ago I made another attempt at knitting a scarf and, while it gave me something to do in Research Methods, that endeavor was also short-lived. 

Third time's a charm, right?  With out thinking, I snatched some yarn and needles off of a shelf at walmart yesterday, telling myself that this time is for real. I started last night and.. well, we'll see.

My Monday night class is my absolute favorite. My last counseling class of my undergrad and it's quite practical. The hard part, though, is that it causes me to re-live memories of relationships past (dating and friendship) and I usually tend to like to keep those memories buried in a box under 6 feet of dirt. 

I wrote a post called "Worth It" several months back that reflected on the female struggle with worth and being good enough. I've written on identity and how rejection does not define us or speak on who we truly are. I've written about being loved and pursued and desired by the creator of the universe and trusting in God's great plan for my life. 

But one myth that I've heard told a few too many times that seriously needs to go is that "True Love Waits." That whole stupid campaign was introduced to me when I was probably 12 or 13. 
I mean, "save sex for marriage" is good. Great. Tell people that. I like that one.

But what drives me nuts is this whole, "I'm waiting for my prince to come" or the date-one-and-be-done or whatever else kind crap out there that tells girls to wait on dating for the guy who wants to marry them and keep them forever and only date for keeps. It's a nice idea, but it's unrealistic.

I mean, I dated. Not for the heck of it, not for kicks and giggles. I'd never dated before in my life when, at 19, I stepped into my "first relationship" half panicked at the idea of marriage but feeling like I could handle it. I'd grown up watching my friends date and break up in highschool. Having a boyfriend just to have one and moving on to their next "one and only" as often as I switch vehicles. 

But when I started dating, I told myself, "But this is different. I waited my whole life for this and I'm not dating for fun. I'm going to date one. And get married. And not be heart broken ten-billion times." I've had friends do the same thing, date their first guy in college thinking they were in it forever, only to have it end in some heart-broken confused mess.
I mean, that's how I felt when mine ended. It wasn't like I hadn't prayed about it before hand. Prayed about it through out, and made SURE the Lord knew I was serious about it and wasn't entering into it to have it end.

I can remember praying, "Lord, if he's not my future husband, than I don't even want to waste my time." As if the guy asking me out was my gideon fleece. If I'm pursued, than God must want it to be forever. I was mad at God more than anything, I think. I mean, I put my heart in His hand and told him I didn't want to get hurt and I was only gonna date this guy if it was real. I TOLD God I wasn't about dating around. It wasn't my plan and I was above that. I was different. 

As if you can just tell the Lord things and expect that He'll be your puppet. I mean, there are a few out-lier stories of people who met in kindergarten, fell in love, only dated eachother, and blah blah blah.

That's a rare thing. Seriously, if you're gonna date, just expect that you're not gonna find THE ONE the first time around. Guard your heart. Thinking you've found your future mr. or mrs. Right the first time you date only allows you to let your guard down and emotionally attach with all the everythings you saved your whole life and when it ends, your once overflowing bucket of innocence and saved affections has been generously dumped onto that first relationship and all you have to show for it is an empty bucket. I'm not even talking about giving yourself away physically. I'm talking emotionally. 

And you don't even have to be in a relationship with someone to give yourself away emotionally. You can like someone and notice every little nice thing they do for you and how they ask after your day and compliment your hair and it makes your heart flutter, so you imagine they like you and that they want to be with you and you attach and your bucket is sloshing and splashing all over the place. 

Stop.  

You're not different. You're just more ignorant than the rest of us. Stop giving your heart away to your first relationship just because you can. Just because you have more heart saved up and intact. Unless there is a ring on it and some vow of "til death do us part" it's not forever. And stop exhausting yourself trying to make it last. As if that relationship was a dying plant and you take your emotional, affections bucket and dump it all over the thing trying to revive it. A dead plant isn't gonna come back to life just by putting water on it. You've probably already drowned it anyways. 

Relationships are messy. They're the most heart breaking thing. They're the worst. They destroy you at a the core of your being. 
And I'm not writing this because I'm bitter. I mean, maybe I am a little. I'm not upset that I ever dated and I don't regret that it didn't work out. I just get upset when I happen upon some newly paired off couple who think that their fresh buckets of emotions and affections are enough to sustain the relationship forever. I don't care if you're a believer or not a believer. You can pray that he's Mr. Right until the sun goes down but ultimately at the end of the day, God is going refine you through whatever fire it takes. 

Relationships are not bad. You just have to be careful. They're not something to be trifled with or taken lightly. Your heart is the most important thing you have. Take care of it. Protect it. And if you truly care about your significant other, protect their heart too. Protect it even from yourself. 

Relationships are wonderful and thrilling and fun and delightful. But, they're dangerous. Know that. Be warned. 

 Keep your bucket as full as you can. Stay close to God's fountain. Let what love that comes out of your bucket be on overflow of what God pours in there. Let it splash on those around you and let it water gardens of hearts in need of a drink. But don't tip it over. Don't wander away from God's fountain and hold up your bucket to some other person who wants to refill you by dumping their bucket into yours. You'll both become empty faster than you'll know it and that little love fern you started together is going whither away and die and you will be sad. You will be devastated and you will question all of your worth and life efforts. Because somehow you looked at your full bucket and compared it to everyone running around with not-so-full buckets and you believed you had enough to make it last. Enough to sustain that relationship. Enough to keep it alive. 

It's not. But don't be down on yourself when you discover that through experience and heart break. Just because your bucket got emptied doesn't mean the Lord can't fill it back up again. But, don't run off with it and don't kick it over and don't dump it out.