Nicaragua 2016

I'd be lying if I said I never had time at home to myself, but, it is rare that I should think to use time alone to work on something like a blog or computer related. 

Time alone usually means that I sit in the sunbeam that comes through our sliding glass door to the balcony and read my Bible while sipping coffee. After thus finishing, I usually end up doing laundry, washing dishes and contemplating if attempting to vacuum the floor is worth it on account our vacuum doesn't work all that well. 

But! That's not important! Guys, in just 20 days, I will be kicking off my fake toms in the security line at the airport and hoping that I managed to remove all of my liquids from my carry on. 

I have a few new supporters this year, so I feel like I need to give a little run down of what my trip might look like.

When we arrive in Managua, we clamber aboard an old school bus and make our way across the city, amidst donkey carts and motorcycles until we arrive at theeee most beautiful mission house atop a small mountain, over looking a volcano and the rest of the city. There's a wrap around deck that is furnished with rocking chairs and there is a mango tree in the yard. 

We will rest there the first night, getting what sleep we can and taking our last warm shower for a while. 

Sunday morning, after breakfast we will meet our translators, put together care packages for the village families (Soap, washcloth, tooth brush, small toy), grab a pack lunch of some sort, and board the old school bus again. 


Depending on what village we go to, we may be on the bus for hours. It's usually about 5 or 6. There is no air conditioning and it's usually about lovely 95 degrees. I find this to be comfortable, but it sometimes happen that people get a little woozy. I HAVE been known to take a Dramamine to keep the nausea at bay and sleep off as many as the hours as possible. 

Once we arrive in the village, we immediately pray in and over every building, piece and place of our compound, and then we take over, setting up our clinic. We organize our medicines in the pharmacy, we set up the stove in the kitchen, we lay out mattresses in the classroom and take the little school desks outside and make our dining-room-living-room-blood-pressure-check-up-station-where-we-sit-and-wait-for-a-shower-place for the week out in the middle of our compound. All you need is a school desk in the middle of the sand anyways.  I can't even begin to describe the wonderful moments I've shared singing hymns in an old school desk outside, waiting for a shower while munching on jacotas. 

Once things are set up, depending on when we arrived in the village and not depending on if we are hungry or not, we set right to work. The pastors hold a church service and share the gospel and then our first round of a couple hundred villagers come through our clinic. 

I just put medicines in a basket as per the medical card I receive, and then label them all with the patient's name and take it to the pharmacist to be approved. It only gets overwhelming if we are short staffed, but that is rare as pharmacy work is nothing difficult. 

A typical day in the village starts at 5am. It is always best to wake up before the sun as there are no windows or curtains and we are guarded round the clock by the Nicaraguan army which is made up mostly of young men in their early twenties who are quite good at whistling. Which isn't bad.. you just prefer not to hear a whistle when you're swapping out your sleeping clothes for your day time clothes. 

It's never that difficult to wake at 5am as the roosters usually start crowing at 11pm and continue in doing so until about 7am. There really is no rush to getting ready in the morning, but takes very little time as there are no mirrors, your outfit is already picked out, and showering in the morning would be very cold since the water would have cooled over night. 

After dressing and starting one's coffee infusion for the day, there is a morning devotion and prayer and the medical team eats breakfast while us that do churchy stuff like kid's ministry head straight away to the first service. And then we rotate, Service, breakfast, service, pharmacy, service, pharmacy, lunch, service, pharmacy, service, pharmacy, supper, service. 

After the last service, the villagers go home and we lock up the compound for the night. And then we get in line for the shower.. which is 4 metal stalls set up in the middle of the compound with large vats of water heated by the sun next to them. With a sump-pump and garden hose, we basically just rinse off and try and keep the dirt build up in our hair to a minimum. The benefit of showering outside at night in the dark, is you actually have no idea how dirty you are and so you just imagine you're clean. ALSO! you get to look at the stars while you shower.. that's a beautiful thing. 

We keep that basic schedule until Thursday when we pack up and head back to the mission house in Managua. Once back, we douse ourselves in lice killing potions for a solid 15 minutes and then rest for the remaining hours of the day and we debrief with stories of what God did before going to bed. 

Friday we venture out to the market and see a bit of the local culture and Saturday we return to the U.S. 

Every year has been different and good and wonderful. Every year my heart has been in a different place than the time before. And Every year the Lord loves me deep into the bottom-most places and fills me with a joy that goes beyond words and description. 

I look forward to this year's edition of this adventure. I'm so thankful for everyone who is supporting me financially and prayerfully. 

I have been asking the Lord, "For what purpose have I been called?" I know a short-term, week long medical mission trip does not have a very big impact on the patients we see in our clinics. But, even a little pebble dropped in a pond makes more than one ripple. And sometimes, it's not so much the people we see, but what God does in our OWN hearts.. in MY heart. One week could seem like nothing, but, God only need us to be right in the exact spot He wants us for a short while to do an EPIC work on our hearts.

Some times our hearts have not yet healed because we have yet to be still for long enough for His voice to reach our broken hearts. And the healing we experience from a week with the Lord can echo into eternity for all our lives. As we return to our regular mission fields, our offices, our Bible studies, our homes.. the fruit of the spirit can ripen in our hearts and all at once, we can come back and bless the people around us and carry the sweet aroma of Christ.

Investing in short-term mission trip is really investing in a long-term missionary. So I thank you. You will never know the impact of your prayers or your finances until the Lord shows you in heaven, but I can assure you, for the rest of my earthly life, this trip will echo in my heart and influence decisions I make even ten years from now. It is no small thing. 

It is for Freedom that I am Set Free

It is amazing to me how much time can pass between my posts when I feel as if time has stood still.

It is hard for me to say where I am, but it is safe to say that I have felt the ground in my deep dark valley begin to slope upward, and while the going is slow, I am moving in a direction that has a sweet aroma of peace and hope.

In the last several weeks I have been reciting memorized verses out loud and claiming them for my heart. Particularly, the one that goes, "For He has rescued us out of the dominion of darkness and brought us into his kingdom of the one he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Hopefully I worded that correctly. He has rescued me.

And while I still can't see where I'm going, I know I'm going somewhere.

If you have been following my blog for a lengthy period of time, perhaps you read about the times I considered my life to be full and I knew full well that I was loved  down to the bottom most places of my heart. Every day I woke up and just knew "I am loved, " and that was the anchor of peace and hope in every day I faced. And life was so good.

I don't want to say my life hasn't been good. But, I realized when I was spending time with the Lord this morning, that I must have, at some point of fully trusting God with reckless faith, asked God to give me a humble heart molded and crafted into his likeness.

I also realized, that I don't grasp the weight of my own prayers like I should. I don't know the value of requesting things of the Lord. And thus, when the Lord called me out of my bubble of bliss, and planted in me in the dessert and said, "grow here, my Love." I no longer felt loved to the bottomest places. Actually, I felt like the Lord broke me to the bottom-most places. Like only He could have had such deep access into my heart and He reached that far, into the deepest glass balls of hope and into the deepest store-houses of joy. And with the squish of His fingers, the glass balls of hope were shattered and my heart shredded in the deepest places. Here where I had been blessed and loved and had praised God for every victory and good thing... here is where He broke me most. Where I loved Him.

I have loved my God for the good things. I have loved my God for the stars at night and warm fire places in the winter. I have loved my God for my friends and my adventures and the moments so rich with joy that the could not be described. For how can it be put into words the things of heaven that were so obviously from the Lord that made my heart to dance here on earth?

I had not the words to utter the proper thanks for those moments and thus there are no words to describe them. All one can say of those things is that God is good, and He loves me to the deepest places.

But then, it broke. As if the Lord has asked me to sacrifice my Isaac at the top of the mountain and did not provide a substitute. No last minute rescue, no intervention. God asked too much of me.

The Lord didn't take *every*thing, I still had a lot. But, that doesn't matter a whole bunch when he breaks you that deep down. When your heart is so raw you physically put your hand to your heart and try to breathe in spite of the pain.

I know it's supposed to be comforting when people tells us, "God has something better." But, that feels like the scene in Monsters Vs. Aliens when Susan is all the sudden re-named to Ginormica and is living in a jail cell that has absolutely nothing in it apart from a teeny tiny poster of a kitten. And the man who keeps her the jail cell says," We had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you calm like." and Susan, huddled in her empty corner says, "But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten,hanging from a real tree." Honestly, hearing that it's God's way of giving us something better is probably one of the least comforting things I've ever been told.

I know it's probably true. But who wants to hear that the one we love and trust and have given access to the deepest places of our hearts is gutting you on the inside on purpose. Who wants to associate God's love with having your heart run through a meat grinder? No one. It feels like the worst betrayal of all time. And what's worse is, who wants to even dare to believe God would betray you so deeply?

And so, it did not take much thought or effort to simply close off parts of my heart. Too raw, too broken, too much pain to even think about a healing touch. No touch, however gentle or loving, feels good on an open wound. Thank you for holding my heart Lord, but I'll take it from here... you went a little too far that time.

And all one can think is, "I trusted you."

And then you are stuck in limbo, dead in your dreams for some unknown eternity. That crappy state of knowing in the back of your mind that God is good and He loves you and promises to prosper you and NOT to harm you, and knowing that you cannot deny that God just allowed your heart to shred to be pieces. God. God did this. And you cannot deny it.

I hated that.

How do you ask God for healing when you know that he would have to access the deepest hurt and the deepest hurts are there because you gave God access to the deepest places?

And thus I laid down in the valley and waited for time to let the tears dry the the deep rawness to scab over enough to even begin to start to deal with the pain. I know God is outside of time, but we cannot deny that our earthly time clock plays a role in a little bit of the healing process.

But for me, when I was ready to get up and walk again, and leave the valley and dance in quiet pastures beside quiet streams again, I could not find them. I raised my arms for the Lord to lift me out but I was not raised. I told the Lord I was ready to leave but He did not scoop me out.

And I came to realize that I know nothing. I know not how my heart beats or comes to life apart from the Lord's goodness, I know not how to Trust the Lord when the valley is broken and dark, I know not how to walk when I'm surrounded by broken glass hopes. And I know not how The Lord can be good and kind and loving when He makes my heart to be raw, and gutted and broken.

I do not know God, not even a little bit. And it is no small thing to say, "I will Trust you, Lord. Here is my heart, do as you will." The Lord is not some sweet genie who will make all things well for you just because you surrendered. No.. no no. The Lord is a mighty general, fighting a battle in victory and he will break his own people to ready them for the bloodiest battles. To condition them for death and pain and sadness and loss. If you show up and say, "here am I, send me." He's not sending you to a pasture of green grass, He is sending you to war. The pastures and green grass are for resting after your legs are broken and your head aches and your ears ring.

We were not meant for small things. We were not meant for bubbles and blessed good times.  We were meant to fight winning battles or break to discover our weak points..and then learn and fight again.

We have been sent to bind up the brokenhearted and proclaim freedom for those held captive. We have been sent to care for the needy and provide for widows and orphans. We have been sent to be the arms of Jesus, wrapped around a broken soul. We have been sent to plead for our brother's and sisters and speak Truth when they can't hear over the waves that are breaking the boat to pieces.

And there is no magical formula for leaving the valley.. no prayer of surrender, no realization of God or perfected plan. We go where he leads, we walk where he sets our feet. We stand where He commands us to stand. But, we don't stand alone. Even when we cannot see, we have a hope, treasured in jars of clay. Where thieves cannot break in and steal, where moth and rust cannot deteriorate. A hope that goes beyond words. That holds on stronger than our hearts could possibly try.

A hope that sings out of the darkness, "I have come to set you free. And you shall be free indeed."

The Good Dark Valley

 I keep telling myself I'll blog more when I have a functioning computer, but who knows when I'll get that far.

When it comes to blogging, I always want whatever I put out there to be worth the time of the sweet humans who bother to read it. I could blog all about the *things* I do and stuff I've gotten done.... but that's so.. boring.

And while I've been doing *stuff*.. the Lord continues to develop my heart. I know I had that depressing blog a month or so ago where I admitted the broken, weary state of my heart, and I was hoping the next deep, well-thought-out blog that came off the press would be an epic update on how I'd finally summited out of my broken valley and was cloud 9 and overwhelmed and all of the joyful, happy things that a person made whole in Christ would have to report.

While I have found higher points on which to stand within my valley, I'm still in it. Indefinitely, it seems. I've accepted that there is no formula, no prayer, no verse, no word of encouragement that just magically lifts you out and sets you free. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. The Lord, who has plans to prosper and not to harm plans to give a hope and future. The Lord who promises never to leave us or forsake us, the Lord who promises "where you go, I will go" and says, " Abide in me and you will bear fruit." The Lord who declares, " Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard." The Lord, makes all things perfect in His time.

I know a lot of things to be true. I still have an anchor of hope, treasured in jars of clay, that being broken, experiencing pain, being exhausted in a dark valley is a result of God's goodness. At times it makes no sense and in my brokenness, I ask the Lord, "how is this GOOD? This does not feel good."

And while my flesh would like to admit, "this is NOT good. It's only good if it feels good." I know, in that treasured hope that I have, it is unmistakenly good. At least, a part of my heart knows that. I fight myself to know that and claim that truth.

But, of things I've come to know, I realized I had put God in a box. An un-complicated box where only things good and wonderful fit in it. A box where I could easily sort out all of my experiences. If it was good, it was from God. If it is painful, it came from my short-comings and failures and over all not-good-enough-ness.

I've known better in the past, but I'm learning to know better again.

Slowly...gently, the Lord is pealing back the layers of my heart and finding the little pea at the bottom of 7 mattresses that is causing unthinkable and unexplainable distress. The need for gentleness makes for a slow, slow process. While I would like it to be over quickly, I don't think I could handle a more rapid pace.

God does not fit in my good box. God does not fit in my simple box. In fact, God does not fit a lot of the ideas I had about Him. I thought I had Him figured out, but I'm realizing I don't have a clue, actually.

The biggest question I've had lately is, "Who are you, God?"

Just like the disciples panicking at sea as their boat begins to sink, "Who is this man that even the wind and the waves obey Him?" Not because I've completely missed all of the miracles and wondrous displays to this point..but because I thought I knew Him. I thought I knew a God who was ALWAYS always always acting in my favor and protecting me and making me safe. But, I got in the boat with a guy who doesn't mind letting the boat take on water. Who doesn't mind letting you get to a point of panic. Who *can* calm the waters and the storms and the wind and waves... who can. But doesn't just do it. He doesn't promise calm waters, he doesn't stop the rain when you're out in the middle of the sea, He doesn't tell you ahead of time, "By the way.. there's a storm coming and by the time we're out in the middle.. it's going to be terrible and dangerous and awful."

In my mind, the most LOVING people, the most kind, the most considerate of my needs would TELL me, "By the way... there's a storm, and I want you to be safe." I mean... my own mother forced me out of the house earlier than I intended after Thanksgiving because she wanted me back to my apartment safe and sound before the ice-storm came and made things treacherous. Because that's loving.  At least, that is how my mind perceives being loved.

But God... is not like that. Who is this man, that He would take us out in a little fisherman's boat in the middle of a storm and then stay on the sidelines while we fight it for all we're worth and exhaust ourselves and be completely defeated before we ask for help?

Who is this man that He would proclaim He loves us beyond our comprehension and give up His life to prove it and then LET us go through broken times. And LET us live in perpetual pain. That He would give us good things. And then take the same good things away and call it love?

Who are you, God?

Who is this man that even the wind and the waves obey Him and I put so much effort into keeping my boat afloat in the storm and exhaust myself raising my tattered sails and push with all my might on the tiller to try and get the rudder to point my life back in the right direction? Who is this man who loves me well enough to sit in the boat with me while He shows me that I actually have zero control over the direction of the boat or the circumstances of the boat or the outcome or the buoyance or the whole-ness of or the blessed strength to preserve enough to float on after it falls to pieces.

I don't doubt that Jesus might have let the boat go all the way down. That He would have waited as long as He needed to wait. Which still begs the question, "Who is this man, who has the power to act and prevent and protect and overcomes himself in order to show you that he can still hear you above the winds and the waves and the cracking bow and the tattered sails and the broken oars and the cussing and the screaming and the panic. He can still hear you.

And He is good. He is good.  He is good.

I don't truly know Him. But He is good.

C.S. Lewis profoundly said it best when he wrote The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe and penned:
"“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” 


And that is as far as I've comprehend whilst I continue to trudge my way forward.

My life is not my life and I am not safe. I am not invincible, I am not un-touchable, I am not so protected that I shall not be broken and battered and exhausted and hurt... but I am loved. And the One who loves me is good.

Why I Go Home for Thanksgiving

I know I recently promised a tell-all of the abandoned buildings I've thoroughly explored in the last 12 months.. that blog is still coming. I just decided that maybe this post needed this broken window from an old early 1900s school I explored... twice. That's a whole big story in and of itself, though. When I get around to typing it up for you, I'll be sure to include the disappearing idol and having to army crawl through tall grass at top speed while praying for invisibility. 

Isn't it interesting how much light can come through a broken window? If it was a whole window but a dirty window.. not near as much light would be able to come through it. One thing I've learned during my abandoned excursions are 1) Broken windows are always your friend. 2) Day time is always the best time. When you don't have any electricity, sunlight is the next best thing. Also.. exploring at night is really obvious to any passer-by. One little light dancing in the window of something that's sat "untouched" for 50 years is a little suspicious. 

All that is to say... sometimes God breaks out the windows of my heart. He replaces them later, of course, but sometimes the necessary things are painful and messy. 

My heart has been doing a little better since my last post. 

I think after time at home with my family, things will be much improved. I've felt a little suffocated lately and I think a little break and breathing will be just what the doctor ordered. 

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you'd know that Thanksgiving is one of my very favorite holidays to be home. My family is just wonderful and so any time we can get the whole bunch of us under one roof for a while, is a wonderful time. 

I'm beyond words excited to head home. I'm kinda imagining myself to be like one of those cartoon characters who crashes to a stop and is all bent out of shape and dead looking. Just on my insides, though. I'm very thankful for the life I have and the place I'm in and the people I have. I'm VERY blessed. I love my church, I love my church people. 

I'm just really excited to be around the people who love me best. Where I can ask for a glass of water and receive it without anyone telling me I'm needy. Where kitchen cleaning inevitably turns into a dance party and it isn't uncommon to be awoken by someone bringing you a hot cup of coffee just the way you like it. Where we are so loathe to leave each other's company in the evening, we fall asleep on the couch and slowly drag ourselves to our rooms at 2 in the morning. Where you fall asleep to the smell of the woodstove and wake up to the sound of someone stoking the fire and adding another log. 

Home is where whipped cream comes in liquid form at first and only becomes whipped cream by the act of being whipped. 

Home is where your contact solution goes missing because someone else forgot to bring theirs and you accidently left yours out in the open. Home is where mom assigns everyone 3 hand-wash dishes after dinner which adds up to 30 dishes that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher and you just kind of hope that there's actually only 17 dishes and there isn't enough for you.. but then you end up doing five and it doesn't even look like you did any. 

Home is where you can play Age of Empires with 7 friends and still have too many friends for the maximum game capacity. Where reading Calvin and Hobbes, Foxtrot and Garfield are a perfectly acceptable way of spending your afternoon. Also, sleeping is very respected. Even if 14 people are in the house and someone fell asleep on the couch.. the lights get turned off and the person gets covered with a blanket and then used as a pillow. 

Home is where you can count on unlimited hugs and getting your shoulders rubbed and your split-ends trimmed. Home is where laughter is in abundance and hiccups are inevitable. 

I like home.  I will be home soon. 

When the Boat Springs a Leak

It was just yesterday morning that I realized that a lot of my short snapchats to people are not laced with thankfulness and positivity.
I realized this because I woke up to a response that said, "You poor dear." Or something to that affect. 

I've been taking some nice little knock-out potions before bed lately, and so it's almost like I don't even have memories from the night before sometimes. So, with snapchat, the snaps disappear after a certain amount of seconds and when you send one, you don't get a chance to take it back OR know what you sent if you forgot.

SO , for whatever thing I complained about two days ago that elicited the response "poor Fern" was probably not worth complaining about if I don't remember what it was. But then I got to thinking, "Gee... am I just a really negative person lately? And I think I concluded that, yes, I probably have been.

I mean, I know the internal state of my heart lately, and I've been trying to keep it under wraps and hidden and stuff, but who am I kidding? I can't hide anything in my heart any better than I can keep my kitchen sink free of dishes. 

Sometimes, too, my heart gets worse before it gets better. That's where I've been lately. Now that I have my job, The Lord is working on some things that just need some adjustments.

The way my job works, I'm able to listen to whatever I want as I work on cases or wait for paperwork to come in or whatever. It's been nice, I've listened to HOURS upon hours of sermons. Different pastors, different topics.. it's been amazing. Honestly, I've spent more time listening to sermons lately than I have on social media.. which is like... #LifeGoals.

I've had really good hours spent at home with the Lord, too. Sitting, listening, journaling, listening. It's been raw and honest and good.
That being said, you'd think being SO saturated in Truth and Challenge, my heart would be on cloud 9, right?

I feel like Jacob, wrestling with God in the darkness, waiting for Daybreak to come. But the thing is, I don't even know what I'm wrestling with God about and I already feel defeated anyways.
I mean, I've told God I give up a lot of times at this point. That means I surrender, right? I thought it did. But, there hasn't been any relief or overwhelming sense of freedom and joy and peace. 

I'm beginning to wonder if there is something to surrendering that I haven't comprehended yet. Because I feel like "giving up" has worked for me in the past, but for as many times as I've told the Lord that I give up, it's not even really an option because if I don't keep actively pursuing Truth and fighting for the joy that I know is out there somewhere, I'd be defeated I think.

But I am, currently, defeated.

But I've also been defeated for a long, long time. You know? Like, not being employed, being a bum on society really defeated me. To the bottom of my heart I felt like I really had no good purpose for anything. I didn't feel like I had any right to be living in Des Moines, enjoying an apartment with a swimming pool and hot-tub without working myself into exhaustion and "deserving" it.

You know? Like, I wasn't a "real adult" in the "real world".. I was just a bum, staying the day in my apartment applying for jobs.. but that doesn't make you worth anything when that's all you're doing with your life, right? People don't ask you anything about your heart or your art projects or your quiet times or your latest adventures when you're unemployed. They only ask you how the job hunt is going because that's all that really matters, I think. All I wanted was a job so I could count, you know? And I thought when I finally achieved employment and an income, I'd feel like I counted or was worth something.

Now when people ask me what I do, I get to say, "I work with Roth IRAs and inspect the paperwork to make sure people's social security payment requests are in good order and then I issue their contracts." I have a whole important-sounding thing I get to say about my life.

Having a job is like having a resume for life. Now when people ask me what I do, I hear it like, "Why do you matter to society?" My answer "Job searching" was more like me saying, "I'm working on mattering to society but I'm not there yet." And NOW I can say I matter because old people need their social security payments.
That's nice, right? I should be happy. And proud. And happy.  Right? Am I wrong? I feel like I'm right.

What have I to complain about anyways? My team is awesome, my job is ideal, my pursuit of the Lord has been intentional and consistent and my Christian fellowship has been encouraging. So the formula is perfect for a full and overflowing cup. All the ingredients are there.

But somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I still don't feel like I've quite earned my worth just yet. And that's funny because I KNOW in my head and in my heart that my worth only truly comes from the Lord. I'm 100% fully aware of my identity in Christ and my value in His eyes. I know the Lord sees me as valuable even when the world does not. The Lord fights for me, I know. The Lord has brought me out of a lot of deep, dark valleys before brought me into a spacious place because He delights in me.

The Lord has done obvious, big impressive things to make me aware of His love and intentions for my life. So I know, deep down, that one day I won't be surrounded by darkness. Some day. At this point, though, my present and my future are far too dark to even know if I'm going the right direction to get out of the valley, you know?

My pastor used to talk about a dark night of the soul. Where everything can be just fine and your heart still cannot comprehend joy. And perhaps that is just where I am. In the dark. But with God, too. His light casts out the dark, right? Perhaps in heaven, but for now, on earth, I feel like I'll be in the dark more than in the light even if I never take one step away from the Lord.

While I don't have joy and peace.. I do have hope. A deep unmoving hope anchored to a foundation that will not move. A lamp that never quite flickers out.

I've felt like the disciples, too. The part where they wake up Jesus and say, "Lord, don't you even care if we drown in this storm?"  For as much as I judge those guys for not having faith when they straight up had Jesus in the boat with them, I'm just exactly like them. Perhaps because a good deal of the disciples had been in a boat a million times before and they knew when it was time to panic about the situation. They weren't sissys, afterall. They were competent sea-men with muscles and the know-how to handle their boat in the water. But there's an appropriate time to panic, right? The Bible says the boat was taking on water.

Maybe they had faith that whole time. Maybe the storm was going on for hours and they battled it for a good long time and were pretty much exhausted before they noticed the boat was straight up sinking.. like actually going down, and that's the point they were like, "Hey Lord.. this is a real bad situation that needs some help. Like.. wake up and DO SOMETHING because we got no other option." And I feel like that sometimes. Where it's like, "Okay Lord, you're in the boat with me, so that's good. You can walk on the water if I don't have the boat, so that's good. BUT I know me and I know my limits and I know that after I've battled a storm in my boat for a good long time, if I lose the boat I'm not gonna have the strength to swim in the sea in the middle of a storm. I'm not going to be treading water or making my  way to shore or even attempting either of those things. So.. save the boat if you wanna save me."

I'm really gaining a lot of insight into the dipsticks in the Bible, actually. The more I look at my life, the more I see myself in the other guys' boots. Jacob was wrestling with the Lord and I'm like, "Yeah, I'ma struggle 'til the sun comes up because I'm alone and I got nothing by night-time ahead of me."

And I'm like, "Jesus, I'm about to drown.. in case you missed that part while you were sleeping. Feel free to calm the waves and the wind anytime.. no pressure but.. the boats been leaking and it's barely floating."

And I'm like, " Hey God.. been wandering in the wilderness for a while. I've seen you do big things before.. but it's been a while and the daily Manna has tasted pretty good.. it was pretty great to start.. but anytime you wanna point me towards the original goal.. the original plan for my future... the promised land goal.. that one.. any time.. you can lead me there anytime now."

And you may as well call me Mara while you're at it because I'm a little bitter. I've noticed that. I don't really fully comprehend why at this point.. but if we're being honest, you can add that to the list.

And sometimes I'm one of the blind baggers on the roadside.. just sitting, not seeing. And sometimes, I see myself as Jonah.

I always prayed in college that I would never ever be a Jonah. Jonah went the opposite way on purpose. And God tracked him down real quick.And then he did the right thing and kept waiting for things to happen the way he wanted them to happen. He say waiting long enough for a tree to grow big enough to shade him from the sun and die from a worm problem.. that's a REALLY long time to sit and wait for God to do something.

I really hope I'm not Jonah. But sometimes I wonder if I am.

Either way, I'm waiting for something to happen, I think. I couldn't tell you what exactly.. maybe just my heart to be filled with joy down to the bottomest places. Maybe that's all I want. But I'm waiting and sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm looking the right direction to see what God is doing.  

He Goes Before Me

I've been meaning to update the world on my new job... I've typed a few blogs, but it seems I'm just never home long enough to remember to crack open my computer and post them.

We'll see if I can get today's out.

Work is great. I've graduated from the first part of my training and am pretty independent.

I'm trained to work a very specific case type from a specific company. If I never had to learn a new type of case, I'd be fine with that. But, that's me worrying over the complications of someone else's retirement funds and my chance at potentially ruining their lives.

But! No matter, I'm enjoying my time on eSPIAs while I have them. For the time being, I show up at my cubical and try to pull up cases as online and check the paper work. If the paper work is all there and in good order I'll send it to my supervisor to do a quality check, if I pass that and the funds are in our account, than I issue the contract.

That part makes me the most nervous.. I'm always afraid I'm going to mess something up. But, I'm getting more and more comfortable every day.
Our floor is divided into teams. I'm on the complex services team, which means I'll handle a mixture of what other teams on this floor. My team huddles every morning at 9:15 and we go over the complications of different insurance paperworks and companies, brokers that are giving us trouble and other things like that. Usually all of this goes over my head, but I stand there and look like I know what they're talking about.

They also make jokes where the punch lines don't make any sense to me. It'll be like, "Insurance blah blah blah paperwork blah blah blah...... California!" And they think it's funny.. and maybe someday I'll understand why insurance paperwork in California is funny.. but right now...I got nothing. But my team is great. I doubt there are any believers on my team.. but maybe I'll be surprised.

The most obvious God-thing about this job is where they placed me, cubicle wise.
There were two or three empty cubicles amongst my team's cluster. However, because they wanted me close to the people who work most often with the kind of contracts on which I'm trained, they put me in a cubicle that is part of a different team's cluster. I'm close to the people I need to be, but the super fun fact about that "coincidence" is that I share a cubicle wall with a lady who is a believer.

It was my third or fourth day here that I was sitting at my computer and over the cubicle wall I could here the lady next to me talking to the lady on the other side of our cubicle wall  and I heard her say "I met them at church." I immediately perked up.
It was another day, that I heard her say, "I'm making them for small group tonight." After that I kept waiting for the perfect opportunity to introduce myself... but since she wasn't on my team there wasn't much excuse to pop my head over to her cube.

On Monday last week, however, one of my teammates who is usually very chatty throughout the day was out of the office, and so she popped her head over to mine to comment on how quiet it was without him around. I agreed. She then said, "I usually just keep my ear buds in and listen to my music" which is when I asked her, "What kind of music is that" and she hesitated a little before she said, "Oh, I just listen to Christian music." and so I asked her where she went to church and stuff like that, and she told me all about how much she likes Michael W. Smith music (She's in her 50s I think). After  a little chat on different Christian music we like she said, "Well! Nice to meet you. I'm glad we have that in common." And ever since then she's popped her head over my wall to ask after my day or share with me something about a song she was listening too.

It's been rewarding too, because she has given me a Michael W. Smith's classical symphony CD and has, just today, promised me his latest Christmas Album. :D
MWS Christmas Albums have been the mark of my Christmas for years! So, I'm pretty stoked about that. Having a car with a working CD player and a lot of drives that are more than 2 hours long, CDs are the things that make my drives sweet.

Thinking about how he Lord sent his followers out in teams of two and when I first got here I wondered how on earth I was going to do this by myself, I cannot deny that the Lord went before me on this one. For now, it's just me and Kim talking over our cubicle walls about our church events or Bible study lessons, but seeing as how you can hear everyone's conversations over cubicle walls, I'm sure it's making people think somewhere. 

Another blessing about this job, is that since there's only so much I can do if there isn't any paperwork available for my cases, I've been able to utilize my down time to study for my GRE.

I discovered sometime last week that my GRE study site is not blocked by the company firewalls, so I've been able to put in a lot of study time. In fact, I learned 51 new vocabulary words last week.

In other news, I've been loving all the things I've been doing with my church. We're going through Exodus in a Set Free series and it's been really great. Our small group meets Monday nights and we've had really great discussion and the whole group dynamic is pretty stellar. 

On Tuesday nights I help with AWANA. I love this because AWANA brings me back to my childhood. I LOVED attending AWANA when I was a kid. Now I'm the female leader for the 3rd-6th grade. We only have about 12 kids, and a good deal of them a kinda naughty.. but I like them a lot. A couple of them like me a lot and sometimes I forget that I'm the adult in charge because we're having so much fun.

On Wednesday nights (sometimes) I have Dr. Who night with some of my friends from Bible study. We have people from study who come just for the social outing, but Dr. Who makes no sense to them and they usually look a little shell shocked after one episode.

Friday and Saturday night are both church nights for me... usually there's a hangout for our Bible study on Fridays and then after church Saturday night.

I've also been volunteering in the nursery Sunday mornings. I like this a lot too, because I've missed being around very small children and I like to be in the heart of where needs are the greatest. And let me tell you, at my young church, there are TONS of babies and tons of need for nursery help. Good gracious. It usually looks something like world war III in our nursery room. That's mostly because I build giant lego towers and Neil and Xander fly their trucks into them and send the giant legos flying across the room. Only one kid's face has been hit by the flying legos so far, so it seems to be on OK distraction.

Those are the main things going on in my life at the moment. Besides all that I have a few painting projects to finish. One of which is a milk can that is *ALMOST* done. I hope to have it returned to the comissioner before the end of the month.. or by Thanksgiving, which ever one brings me back to Northwest Iowa first. 

Thanks for all the prayers, friends! God is hearing you and I am blessed. 

knowing a little unknown... AKA I GOT A JOB

Happy October, friends! I had all but given up on ever getting to tell you my job situaion had changed, but, it's a new month, it's a new chapter. I am beyond EXCITED to announce that I have accepted a position with a company where I get to sit in a cubical and inspect paperwork and make sure it looks good and if it doesn't..I get to call them and tell them as much.

Bad guy, business. I havent started yet, and nothing about it seems to make feel especially comfortable, but it's a job and I am very thankful.

Actually, after days turned into weeks which turned into months of nothing... it came down to two jobs. I interviewed for two different jobs in different situations. One for a church office assistant and one for a cubical same-old-same-old job. I thought about the church job.. i thought, "this is it! Church environment, believing co-workers, technically doing ministry because its the behind-the-scenes stuff that all churches need." Then I interviewed for the coorporate job and it was same hours, same pay... but I felt like I blew the interview as I talked about how much I love helping people and they then explained I'd be ruining people's days.

I felt like "well, if I blew that interview, oh well.. Id rather work in a church, serving the Lord, it seems more right." But I was actually really upset at the thought of not getting the cubical job. For some inexplainable reason.. I mean.. Im not a cubical person. Im a front-desk-front-office-load-me-ith-work kinda girl. But, I just felt like, maybe the Lord doesnt intend for me to take the easy road when He puts easy things in front of me. Plus, I wasnt sure I was fully sensing the Holy Spirit during the church interview, and I think it would be very discouraging to me if I worked in a church where peeople are supposed to love Jesus but don't.. rather than a boring ol' office job where people just might not even know Jesus exists.

But, Wednesday afternoon I got a call and was asked, "if you were offered this job, what would make you hesitate" and so I said, " I interviewed for a job at a church and I thought i would prefer that one, but at this point, its who ever gets to me first and I havent heard from them" and so the lady on the other end of the phone said, "Well, they are offering you the position."

I took the night to sleep on it, and by 8am the next morning I knew I wanted to take the cubical job.
I called the other job to let them know I was accepting a position elsewhere and so they could move forward without me, and was told the lady who had interviewed me had been sick but intended to schedule me for a second interview. Even after I had officially accepted the cubical job, the church job called and said theyd like to still give me the option of joining them and backing out of the other job.

After nothing for FOREVER, I had too much. Tempting as it was.. I wanted to be a girl of my word, accepting the first one I committed to. PLUS! On top of all that, I kept thinking about a conversation I had with the guy who owns a company called Seafoam. His company had given me scholarships all throughout college that helped immensly with college bills and I had asked why they felt the need to be so generous. He said it was his goal to get believers into the working world. By finding college kids who truly loved the Lord and then investing in their college education, he intended to get more believers onto the corporate mission field. And, as I thought of that conversation, I thought, he invested in me, hoping Id be reaching the non-believers in the cubical life. And so! That was another motivation for this job.

I start on a Monday, Oct. 12th. Im trying not to freakout about all the unknowns and such. Trying to take the last week of freedom and rest in God's goodness.

So, all of you sweet praying friends, thank you. My unknown future is vaguely less unknown.