The little girl cradles a precious bouquet of roses that were gifted to her by her father when she was sad. She loves them and thinks they are beautiful. They bring a lot of joy just to see them. They're fragrant is sweet and their beauty is soothing. They make her think of her father and she loves him.
At last, the father extends his hand and asks for the flowers back. She doesn't want to. They are hers, after all. She adores them. Then she asks, "Why? What did I do wrong?"
"You did nothing wrong. It's just that those flowers are fading. They're not as sweet and the pedals are not as soft. You cradle them too much and the thorns have cut your hands. " The little girl rather liked her flowers and was stubborn to let them go. She liked flowers and she didn't like it when someone wanted to take away what was given to her and she loved. So what if they weren't what they once were. Her heart had come alive to these flowers and it would probably die with them too.
But the father was patient and took her hand and led her out into a whole big field of flowers. He told her, "there are many more flowers to be held and loved and cared for and watered. But if your hands are full of these other ones, how will you be able to gather new ones? Let me take these and care for them for you. Let me water them and nourish them. They will be okay and you will be okay. Just trust me" And the little girl was left staring at the field....
And that's usually the moment I wake up. I keep having that same dream. Well... last night was the first time in a while... but I had that dream many times leading up to my move from Iowa City. I asked the Lord what it was supposed to mean and of course He kindly told me that I need to surrender to having new friends and new people in my life. "Blessings come in seasons, Fern. They are there for when you need them. They are like flowers. They start small, they grow, they bloom, they fill the room with sweet smells and they bring joy at the very sight of them. But they are temporary. If you keep them past their time, the sweet memories will only be replaced with the sadness of their fading or the pain of the dry thorns poking your skin. "
Obviously thinking about giving up blessings makes me sad so I didn't let myself dwell on that too much more. My first week at home I cried everyday... multiple times a day. Without ever spending anytime with the Lord. Starting week 2, I helped at a Bible camp for girls alongside my cousins. I didn't know the other counselors or volunteers, so I went into my introverted self. ( I have an introvert side when my extrovert has died a little bit inside).
On one of the days, I found myself sitting by the piano player and a few other counselors as we impromptu worshiped while our girls were off at different activities. The worship switched into praying... the kinda praying that involves your partner asking for a picture from the Lord so as to bless you. My partner didn't know me and I didn't know her. Our first interaction ever was when she was like, "I'll be your partner! What's your name?"
In my mind I was thinking, "Well, Lord, your spirit better show up because I'm not gonna be good for making anything up on this one..."
We prayed a little and then sat in silence.... and we kept sitting in silence. And then she opened her eyes, "All I keep getting is, 'little girl'... does that mean anything to you?"
Instantly, the image of the little girl in the field came flooding back to mind and I was a little caught off guard by it.
Funny Lord.... you're funny. *roll my eyes*
I began to tell her about how the Lord had been showing me the little girl in the flower field and how I had just moved here and knew no one, and had no clue how to meet anybody new. She listened and offered sweet encouragement before praying that the Lord would bless me with community.
That moment was sweet. But it was just a moment.
Here I am.. four weeks later. My mom has been super sweet and has been contacting churches with college ministry and told me that tonight there is a Bible study for college-age young adults. But it's meeting in a town thats about 40minutes away. She said something about finding someone for me to ride with... and everything about that sounds altogether too intimidating for me. Maybe next week?
I'm fairly confident in a lot of situations.. but there are a few things that are way too much that I just can't even. Mostly things that have to do with strangers. I'm rather terrified of people I don't know. My friends, Shane and Anne, found this out when we went Amish hunting one night. It was on our list to get spotlighted by Amish and we had been told that if we simply sit in our cars at the end of their driveway, they will shine their spotlight on you. I liked that.. because cars are safe. And they can drive away if need be.
Our first attempt did not go well and was very short lived since I was the one piloting the car and was totally terrified just by sitting in the driveway. The moment one of my passengers reached over and honked my horn for me took the last drop of courage on account I figured if an Amish man came out now.. he'd probably want to shoot us. So we left. At which point I made my more brave and level headed friend drive since I seriously doubted my ability to drive safely in the event of Amish spot-lighting. My friends could not comprehend the level of discomfort and un-easiness I was experiencing at the whole idea... I mean.. we were just in a car, and it was just an Amish light... but I could have died.
Because strangers.ughhhk. Although we failed to get spot lighted the first 2 nights of attempts, my very last night in Kalona worked out very splendidly as we not only got spotlighted at one house, but managed to encounter Amish on accident when we stopped to run over some frogs and an Amish man just popped out of the ditch and asked if we had hit a dog. "No.. just a toad, sir" ..... :)
All that is to say... walking into a room of strangers.. or getting in a car with strangers.. doesn't sound fun to me. Some day I'll have courage, though. I think? Idk...
In the mean time, Ken and Kit were both home last night and it was similar to my senior year of high school in that we watched a movie with the younger siblings and we were just... together. Just us six.. Just like old times...except Kit and Ken are now adults, and Eva can drive and Kyle and Kolby are big enough to take me down and sit on me and keep me pinned down until they choose to let me back up.
After crawling in bed around 11:30pm, and being almost asleep, Kit knocked on my door and informed me that I wasn't going to sleep just yet. "I'm not?" ..."No. There's a meteor shower right now and you and I are going to watch it."
So we crawled out on the roof watched the stars. It was a beautiful meteor shower. I think I saw at least 20.... we chatted about life and then sometime before 1am we crawled back through the window and i fell asleep very easily.
Today is another day at the office. Since it's 30 miles to the office from the house, Dad and I played count-the-amount-of-semis-carrying-rock-or-grain on the way here this morning. There were 5 grain semis and 4 rock.... I think I would enjoy that game more if I had a cup of coffee or two before hand.
You learn a lot of things driving with Dad. He explains the different flowers and weeds in the ditches and how they came to be planted there. He talks about how well the ethanol plants are doing and how there used to be 45 million buffalo in Iowa back when the Indians used them for eating. He points out the corn that will be late when it's time for harvest and the beans that have too many weeds to be any good. If nothing else, by the end of this term, I will be quite up to date on what steps it takes to kill Skeleton Weed and how much drainage will cost the poor farmer who has a flooded field.
If I get around to meeting humans, I'll let you know. :)
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Life after the move
I've drafted a lot of deep thoughtsy, heart felt blogs lately...but I haven't edited them well enough for them to go public. Someday!!
I've had busy summers before....full summers...but this one. This one was the kind where living in the moment mattered the most and Internet was only visited sometimes. Of course it's still summer...but the cousins have left, I'm all moved away from my friends, and I'm down to the last few days with my brother, Ken, before he returns to his life in Ames.
So what have I been doing? Everything. My cousins from Florida were here for a good part of the summer and that was a huge blessing since they have done the deepest life stuff with me since we were little. So crying and laughing were in abundance....mostly laughing and it's been a little rough to transition to the monotonous life of scarce human interaction and no laughing.
I was all over the place in July. Finishing up life in Iowa City, coming to Storm Lake, traveling to South Dakota, MN, and Wisconsin...jam packed full with family and friends and laughter and emotion.
Good emotion.
Now I am numb. Kinda. Idk...I need to find a church with some humans. I've been fairly resolved to not making any friends, but my siblings keep asking why I never talk. My heart is a little numb I think.
I'm driving for dad, like I said. Yesterday we traveled to 4 different farms close to the border of South Dakota. My sweet sister Eva rode along to keep me company....what a doll! Giving up her day just to keep my extroverted heart from dying, upon arriving home I thought about heading up to my room for a nap, which is far away from humans if you need an escape. But, thinking better of that idea, I fell asleep on the couch and awoke two hours later to find my brother, Ken, had arrived home from taking our cousin to the airport and had fallen asleep on the couch as well and was using my feet for his pillow. (It's a big couch). The other siblings were watching Dr. Who and it happened to be my favorite Matt smith episode. It was rather pleasant to wake up to all the humans in the same room as me. And the evening was perfect.
I got to mow the lawn! Some humans hate that job, I know, but we have a large yard and a push mower. Which, is pleasant for me because it is something to do whilst being outside. And smelling like grass clippings and gasoline is a little bit comforting as well. When I was finished, kolby and I unloaded the grass clippings from the wagon and spread them in the garden. I liked that.
The baby goats are quite tame now. You can call them by name and the bound up to you and follow you around, I love running with them. They jump all over the place and crash into eachother.
As the sunset, Kyle coaxed me into a quick game of baseball. I didnt think it was a good idea since I'm prone to injuring myself...but Kyle is also an extrovert and so I do what I can. I was the pitcher, and the yard was our diamond. The gas tank was first base, the soccer ball was second. Third base was the cat, (if it didnt move) and home was where you started. It was going really great until Kyle batted it right back into my hip and got a home run, Ken hit it into the ditch (which we hadn't mowed) and that finished the game on account it was too dark to see anything anymore.
Eva, kolby, and I had a little fire on the edge of the South Garden. It was good for about 30 minutes...but none of us could find anything to talk about, so we returned to the house to clean up.
Then, I read the news, watched a movie with Ken, went to bed...and now I'm doing life at the office.
They gave me my own little room...an un used office space that seems to be a storage room.
I can hear dad in a meeting with someone talking about flow speed in field tiles. He's using math terms and talking about costs, and pumps and water levels....to me that is incredibly boring, nothing of that conversation sounds interesting at all. Who knew it costs 50 cents per acre inch to move the water in the tile pipes? Not me. Why would you request a seminar on that? I don't know.
But that is my life now. I'm reading up on biblical counseling stuff in the meantime and hope to go through a class with my mom soon. That'll be something. :)
I've had busy summers before....full summers...but this one. This one was the kind where living in the moment mattered the most and Internet was only visited sometimes. Of course it's still summer...but the cousins have left, I'm all moved away from my friends, and I'm down to the last few days with my brother, Ken, before he returns to his life in Ames.
So what have I been doing? Everything. My cousins from Florida were here for a good part of the summer and that was a huge blessing since they have done the deepest life stuff with me since we were little. So crying and laughing were in abundance....mostly laughing and it's been a little rough to transition to the monotonous life of scarce human interaction and no laughing.
I was all over the place in July. Finishing up life in Iowa City, coming to Storm Lake, traveling to South Dakota, MN, and Wisconsin...jam packed full with family and friends and laughter and emotion.
Good emotion.
Now I am numb. Kinda. Idk...I need to find a church with some humans. I've been fairly resolved to not making any friends, but my siblings keep asking why I never talk. My heart is a little numb I think.
I'm driving for dad, like I said. Yesterday we traveled to 4 different farms close to the border of South Dakota. My sweet sister Eva rode along to keep me company....what a doll! Giving up her day just to keep my extroverted heart from dying, upon arriving home I thought about heading up to my room for a nap, which is far away from humans if you need an escape. But, thinking better of that idea, I fell asleep on the couch and awoke two hours later to find my brother, Ken, had arrived home from taking our cousin to the airport and had fallen asleep on the couch as well and was using my feet for his pillow. (It's a big couch). The other siblings were watching Dr. Who and it happened to be my favorite Matt smith episode. It was rather pleasant to wake up to all the humans in the same room as me. And the evening was perfect.
I got to mow the lawn! Some humans hate that job, I know, but we have a large yard and a push mower. Which, is pleasant for me because it is something to do whilst being outside. And smelling like grass clippings and gasoline is a little bit comforting as well. When I was finished, kolby and I unloaded the grass clippings from the wagon and spread them in the garden. I liked that.
The baby goats are quite tame now. You can call them by name and the bound up to you and follow you around, I love running with them. They jump all over the place and crash into eachother.
As the sunset, Kyle coaxed me into a quick game of baseball. I didnt think it was a good idea since I'm prone to injuring myself...but Kyle is also an extrovert and so I do what I can. I was the pitcher, and the yard was our diamond. The gas tank was first base, the soccer ball was second. Third base was the cat, (if it didnt move) and home was where you started. It was going really great until Kyle batted it right back into my hip and got a home run, Ken hit it into the ditch (which we hadn't mowed) and that finished the game on account it was too dark to see anything anymore.
Eva, kolby, and I had a little fire on the edge of the South Garden. It was good for about 30 minutes...but none of us could find anything to talk about, so we returned to the house to clean up.
Then, I read the news, watched a movie with Ken, went to bed...and now I'm doing life at the office.
They gave me my own little room...an un used office space that seems to be a storage room.
I can hear dad in a meeting with someone talking about flow speed in field tiles. He's using math terms and talking about costs, and pumps and water levels....to me that is incredibly boring, nothing of that conversation sounds interesting at all. Who knew it costs 50 cents per acre inch to move the water in the tile pipes? Not me. Why would you request a seminar on that? I don't know.
But that is my life now. I'm reading up on biblical counseling stuff in the meantime and hope to go through a class with my mom soon. That'll be something. :)
Thursday, July 10, 2014
ramble ramble...
My brain is shot. For a lot of reasons that I won't detail... but my emotions are shot too.
I'm working on some emotionally charged something or other blog of thoughtsy things about my first week away from life in Iowa City. Eventually I'll collect my thoughts and finish it.
But for a quick summation. The weekend of the 4th was GREAT because everyone was home, including my sweet friend, Amanda. But Sunday they left. And I awoke from my Sunday nap feeling totally alone and in the wrong place. It has only ever been holidays, really, that I have been so privileged to stay on a Sunday afternoon rather than the usual, pack things together and return by 5pm. The fact that everyone else packed and left and I found myself alone in a big room on a big bed in a big house was completely defeating. Everything about it felt wrong.
But someday it shall feel right. Maybe. I've already blogged about how I am surrendering to the Lord's plan for my life, and so I don't mean for my negative emotions to reflect a negative experience. My parents have been more than caring and kind and welcoming and sweet. It's nice to see my siblings and it's nice to see the sunsets. I like the barns, I like the cows. I like the goats and the kittens and the sweet smell of clover growing in the ditch.
By all means, it should be everything that makes my heart to breathe.
But the week was hard. Starting in my first cry fest upon waking from my nap on Sunday, to the many, every day, multiple times a day, break downs since then.
But it's good. God can only heal a broken heart if it's broken in the first place. It's been a while since my heart has been shattered, and the Lord is never done teaching you new ways to surrender.
While it is painful, I'm completely convinced that the Lord will be honored and glorified.
It's not wrong, it's just hard.
I've told the Lord, "I will go any where for you, do anything for you, give up everything for you, just be there when I get there."
Even something "easy" like moving to another part of Iowa and driving my father to work can be stretching.
I need to be stretched. I need to be totally prepared to give up my comfortable, friend-filled, wild crazy, I-can-do-whatever-i-want, kinda life to do the things that aren't any of those things.
I said "yes" to the Lord once and that means I say "Yes" every day. Even through the tears.
I'm working on some emotionally charged something or other blog of thoughtsy things about my first week away from life in Iowa City. Eventually I'll collect my thoughts and finish it.
But for a quick summation. The weekend of the 4th was GREAT because everyone was home, including my sweet friend, Amanda. But Sunday they left. And I awoke from my Sunday nap feeling totally alone and in the wrong place. It has only ever been holidays, really, that I have been so privileged to stay on a Sunday afternoon rather than the usual, pack things together and return by 5pm. The fact that everyone else packed and left and I found myself alone in a big room on a big bed in a big house was completely defeating. Everything about it felt wrong.
But someday it shall feel right. Maybe. I've already blogged about how I am surrendering to the Lord's plan for my life, and so I don't mean for my negative emotions to reflect a negative experience. My parents have been more than caring and kind and welcoming and sweet. It's nice to see my siblings and it's nice to see the sunsets. I like the barns, I like the cows. I like the goats and the kittens and the sweet smell of clover growing in the ditch.
By all means, it should be everything that makes my heart to breathe.
But the week was hard. Starting in my first cry fest upon waking from my nap on Sunday, to the many, every day, multiple times a day, break downs since then.
But it's good. God can only heal a broken heart if it's broken in the first place. It's been a while since my heart has been shattered, and the Lord is never done teaching you new ways to surrender.
While it is painful, I'm completely convinced that the Lord will be honored and glorified.
It's not wrong, it's just hard.
I've told the Lord, "I will go any where for you, do anything for you, give up everything for you, just be there when I get there."
Even something "easy" like moving to another part of Iowa and driving my father to work can be stretching.
I need to be stretched. I need to be totally prepared to give up my comfortable, friend-filled, wild crazy, I-can-do-whatever-i-want, kinda life to do the things that aren't any of those things.
I said "yes" to the Lord once and that means I say "Yes" every day. Even through the tears.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I'm a lot of things, I guess.
I'm overwhelmed to a point where nothing will come out cohesive well enough for this post to be beautiful.
I have a lot of thoughts.
I am exhausted. That is the first one. I am exhausted with work. It takes a lot to work with kids, and a lot of what it takes I've already given and I don't have much left. It's a fun job, yes. But it is hard.
It's hard when they pretend to cuss you out and just use the word "Bleep" in the middle of their sentence.
It's hard when they fight with each other and make each other cry, and then they get mad at me.
It's hard when they don't listen and make me feel invisible... this one happens the most. And it's the worst.
I'm tired. We've had a lot of late nights and my body isn't used to sleeping past 7. I'm stressed about moving, so I wake up multiple times in the night. I went to bed early last night, but I still struggled to wake up this morning.
I'm sad. I'm so sad to have to say good bye to my closest friends. They make me feel loved and they keep on making me feel loved and my heart cracks a little more everyday.
I rolled up the carpet in our living room to pack it into my car for moving and cried immediately, so I put it back.
I'm thankful. Beyond words, I am soooo thankful. My friends have gone above and beyond at helping us complete our list of things to do before I move. They've gone way more distances than I could have imagined and have and have obliged my crazy ideas like, "watching a movie in a cemetery" or "ride in an Amish Buggy." I mean, its not like those have been easy things to accomplish. But people have been there to see them through, and my gratitude is beyond words.
I'm happy. Of course I'm happy. We've come to call our list "Our dreams" and whenever we head out to accomplish another thing we say, "All of our dreams are coming true!". I am happy. Deep inside, mixed with my sadness and exhaustion, is a joy and happiness that cannot be shaken. The lord has allowed me to feel joy to the bottom of my heart with every thing we've done and it has been so great.
I'm excited. A new chapter of my life that will most likely be pretty good. Even though I will have to start from basically ground zero by way of a social life, my family has always been welcoming and supportive, so I'm at least stepping into a safe pocket.
I'm ready. Kind of. I think. As great and wonderful and seemingly perfect my life has been here, it is easy for me to get very distracted by my blessings. It will be good for me to step away and focus on my relationship with the Lord. That doesn't mean I love my friends less, but I want to love the Lord more. I need to learn better to walk with the Lord apart from large crowds. I'll be on my own in searching for a church and ways to serve again. And I won't have a friend to journey it with me, so this will be a time of growth for sure.
I'm nervous. Scared..terrified? Maybe nervous. I go between being all excited that the Lord is doing a new thing and looking on the horizon and sinking like Peter in the sea. I'm excited, yes, but totally terrified when my focus isn't on the Lord. And way too often... my focus isn't on the lord. It's on me. It's on the fact that I won't have friends. It's on the fact that I will be searching for a part time job in a town that I've only ever driven through a couple of times before (not storm Lake). It's on the fact that I don't know where to go to church. I just panic over the fact that I'm such a social person and am not sure how to cope without having people over all. the. time. (Mom, if I ever find friends, I'll probably have them over. You have been warned). I think my big panic is that I just don't really see myself able to make friends in my small little town. I mean, I managed to live there 17 years and not make more than a handful of friends of whom, 4 of them I still interact with and 3 or those 4 are siblings and all of them don't even live there any more.
..so...... yeah
But over all, I look forward to it. Because my family. My family is the best. I love them all and I have so much adventures planned with my siblings. I will be able to paint for hours on end and make wood projects and sewing projects and anything I could want. I will see sunsets every day and the stars every night. I will catch fire flies and drink coffee and sleep in a hammock and mow the lawn. I will get to help feed the cows and the baby goats and the kittens. I will get to walk barefooted through the garden to pick swiss chard for breakfast every morning. I will be there for the harvest when the watermelon patches are so full, alls we can do is crack them open in the field and eat the hearts right out of them.
I'll be there for my little brother, Kyle's birthday, which I haven't home for in a while. I'll be there for my own birthday... which I also haven't been home for since I was 17. So that will be good. I will be there to help make meals and clean the house and take over correcting the children's school work when mom is off doing her super woman mom stuff. I'll be there for my dad. For my dad who is always there for me when my car breaks down and I'm panicked on the side of the road. When I need wisdom on a decision. When I need a calm answer or reassurance that my life isn't a complete fail just yet. And that will make all of everything worth it times ten hundred.
But until then...
I'm packing.
I have a lot of thoughts.
I am exhausted. That is the first one. I am exhausted with work. It takes a lot to work with kids, and a lot of what it takes I've already given and I don't have much left. It's a fun job, yes. But it is hard.
It's hard when they pretend to cuss you out and just use the word "Bleep" in the middle of their sentence.
It's hard when they fight with each other and make each other cry, and then they get mad at me.
It's hard when they don't listen and make me feel invisible... this one happens the most. And it's the worst.
I'm tired. We've had a lot of late nights and my body isn't used to sleeping past 7. I'm stressed about moving, so I wake up multiple times in the night. I went to bed early last night, but I still struggled to wake up this morning.
I'm sad. I'm so sad to have to say good bye to my closest friends. They make me feel loved and they keep on making me feel loved and my heart cracks a little more everyday.
I rolled up the carpet in our living room to pack it into my car for moving and cried immediately, so I put it back.
I'm thankful. Beyond words, I am soooo thankful. My friends have gone above and beyond at helping us complete our list of things to do before I move. They've gone way more distances than I could have imagined and have and have obliged my crazy ideas like, "watching a movie in a cemetery" or "ride in an Amish Buggy." I mean, its not like those have been easy things to accomplish. But people have been there to see them through, and my gratitude is beyond words.
I'm happy. Of course I'm happy. We've come to call our list "Our dreams" and whenever we head out to accomplish another thing we say, "All of our dreams are coming true!". I am happy. Deep inside, mixed with my sadness and exhaustion, is a joy and happiness that cannot be shaken. The lord has allowed me to feel joy to the bottom of my heart with every thing we've done and it has been so great.
I'm excited. A new chapter of my life that will most likely be pretty good. Even though I will have to start from basically ground zero by way of a social life, my family has always been welcoming and supportive, so I'm at least stepping into a safe pocket.
I'm ready. Kind of. I think. As great and wonderful and seemingly perfect my life has been here, it is easy for me to get very distracted by my blessings. It will be good for me to step away and focus on my relationship with the Lord. That doesn't mean I love my friends less, but I want to love the Lord more. I need to learn better to walk with the Lord apart from large crowds. I'll be on my own in searching for a church and ways to serve again. And I won't have a friend to journey it with me, so this will be a time of growth for sure.
I'm nervous. Scared..terrified? Maybe nervous. I go between being all excited that the Lord is doing a new thing and looking on the horizon and sinking like Peter in the sea. I'm excited, yes, but totally terrified when my focus isn't on the Lord. And way too often... my focus isn't on the lord. It's on me. It's on the fact that I won't have friends. It's on the fact that I will be searching for a part time job in a town that I've only ever driven through a couple of times before (not storm Lake). It's on the fact that I don't know where to go to church. I just panic over the fact that I'm such a social person and am not sure how to cope without having people over all. the. time. (Mom, if I ever find friends, I'll probably have them over. You have been warned). I think my big panic is that I just don't really see myself able to make friends in my small little town. I mean, I managed to live there 17 years and not make more than a handful of friends of whom, 4 of them I still interact with and 3 or those 4 are siblings and all of them don't even live there any more.
..so...... yeah
But over all, I look forward to it. Because my family. My family is the best. I love them all and I have so much adventures planned with my siblings. I will be able to paint for hours on end and make wood projects and sewing projects and anything I could want. I will see sunsets every day and the stars every night. I will catch fire flies and drink coffee and sleep in a hammock and mow the lawn. I will get to help feed the cows and the baby goats and the kittens. I will get to walk barefooted through the garden to pick swiss chard for breakfast every morning. I will be there for the harvest when the watermelon patches are so full, alls we can do is crack them open in the field and eat the hearts right out of them.
I'll be there for my little brother, Kyle's birthday, which I haven't home for in a while. I'll be there for my own birthday... which I also haven't been home for since I was 17. So that will be good. I will be there to help make meals and clean the house and take over correcting the children's school work when mom is off doing her super woman mom stuff. I'll be there for my dad. For my dad who is always there for me when my car breaks down and I'm panicked on the side of the road. When I need wisdom on a decision. When I need a calm answer or reassurance that my life isn't a complete fail just yet. And that will make all of everything worth it times ten hundred.
But until then...
I'm packing.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Emotions.... you know.
Night time is peaceful.
Tomorrow is another day with "nothing on the schedule" which means, it will be full because I will somehow find myself overwhelmed with a million things to do.
But for now, I'm the only one awake in my living room without lights. My roommates went to bed an hour ago... but I had taken a nap around 4pm and then woke up to eat way too much cookie dough infused with way too much coffee. (Don't worry mom, I'm drinking lots of water to balance this)
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a day and a half later and I'm not making progess on...anything.
I'm hiding away in a coffee shop for the meant time. Not enough coffee today.. so I'm just loathing life.
NOT all of my life... just parts of it. The stress parts of it. I HATE. Like it makes me grumpy because I hate it so much.
I'm not made for stress or pressure or for doing things I don't want to do. BUT what can you do? You just suck it up and do life even tho it can be awful. Right? Right.......right. *sigh* I should try not to be so grumpy.
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It's not that I'm grumpy. It's that my heart is being YANKED all over the place. Good times. Bad times. And "HEY! Get ready to say good bye to all of your best friends that help you love Jesus better."
I know that God's love casts out fear..but if I'm terribly honest, I'm absolutely terrified of my upcoming life of isolation.
I realized us siblings are all such great friends with eachother when we visit home because none of us have friends outside of our house. (Unless you count the Petersons.. but they basically live there too..so they don't really count).
My heart is so sad to move away from my friends.
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Not that I belong in a city. I don't. I don't think I ever will, really. But I don't belong in isolation either.
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Oh Lord. Help me.
Tomorrow is another day with "nothing on the schedule" which means, it will be full because I will somehow find myself overwhelmed with a million things to do.
But for now, I'm the only one awake in my living room without lights. My roommates went to bed an hour ago... but I had taken a nap around 4pm and then woke up to eat way too much cookie dough infused with way too much coffee. (Don't worry mom, I'm drinking lots of water to balance this)
------------
a day and a half later and I'm not making progess on...anything.
I'm hiding away in a coffee shop for the meant time. Not enough coffee today.. so I'm just loathing life.
NOT all of my life... just parts of it. The stress parts of it. I HATE. Like it makes me grumpy because I hate it so much.
I'm not made for stress or pressure or for doing things I don't want to do. BUT what can you do? You just suck it up and do life even tho it can be awful. Right? Right.......right. *sigh* I should try not to be so grumpy.
------
It's not that I'm grumpy. It's that my heart is being YANKED all over the place. Good times. Bad times. And "HEY! Get ready to say good bye to all of your best friends that help you love Jesus better."
I know that God's love casts out fear..but if I'm terribly honest, I'm absolutely terrified of my upcoming life of isolation.
I realized us siblings are all such great friends with eachother when we visit home because none of us have friends outside of our house. (Unless you count the Petersons.. but they basically live there too..so they don't really count).
My heart is so sad to move away from my friends.
-------------
Not that I belong in a city. I don't. I don't think I ever will, really. But I don't belong in isolation either.
------
Oh Lord. Help me.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
A Rant To Pass Time
It's another rainy-ish day! Which... I don't mind. Rain makes me thoughtful. Also, I'm home alone... I got off work at 1030 and intended to drive straight to the supposed car fixer upper place so as to finally do something about fixing my poor car... but I had already transferred all the contacts out of my phone but needed to activate the new one.. so I thought it best to wait til that was done. But then... that took forever and I don't wanna go searching for this body shop over someone's potential lunch break. So I'm just... hanging out.
I tried to find it yesterday. But the directions the man gave me three days ago had washed mostly off my hand and I don't have a GPS and my Google Maps directions dropped me out to the middle of no where dirt roads sketchy-ville so after driving an hour.. I gave up and came home. Which.. I was slightly okay with since the thought of having to meet a new mechanic/car fixer upper makes my heart pound so badly and my stomach do knots and I could literally cry on command. (They are the BANE of my existence) I think I experience mini heart palpitations just thinking about having to go through this again.. as well as pure fear and panic.
I mean... Really it's one of those things where I'd like to just forget about it and pretend it never happened... but my friend's mom is quite determined to keep me accountable (Which I mostly appreciate because I can tell it's because she cares) but it feels somewhat like, "oh hey... You don't like scary packs of man-eating wolves? Why don't I just throw you into their pen 'til you get used to them"
*sigh* But... I'm supposed to be a grown up now handling my own.
I think I'd handle mechanics better if they didn't think that my gender was equivalent to "car retarded: can-charge-lots-of-extra-moneys-and-she-wont-notice." I have no more arms or legs to spare after the last 4 auto shops I've been to... with the previous 5 vehicles I've gone through.... all in the last year and a half.
Oh Lord have mercy.
It's not that I'm hard on my cars... it's that the mechanics are so hard on my pocket book that I just as soon go swap out for a different car than pay $2,800 to have my spark wires fixed. Who does that, anyways?
So... that being said.. I'm just biding my time to go hunting for this new place. Kinda like everything else kinda terrible I ever encounter, I just want to face it and put it behind me for the rest of my life. Well, that's a lie.. I don't want to face it. But it's the only way to get from step A (having a problem) to point C (having no problem).
Okay... I shall stop car ranting. I will just have to trust the Lord that things will work out. If the guy is great, than win. And if it's awful, I will just get to cry for a little and THEN move away and never come back.
Aye.. I'ma have to psych myself up for this. Breathe, trust Jesus, try not to be anxious to the point of puking. Ready break.
I tried to find it yesterday. But the directions the man gave me three days ago had washed mostly off my hand and I don't have a GPS and my Google Maps directions dropped me out to the middle of no where dirt roads sketchy-ville so after driving an hour.. I gave up and came home. Which.. I was slightly okay with since the thought of having to meet a new mechanic/car fixer upper makes my heart pound so badly and my stomach do knots and I could literally cry on command. (They are the BANE of my existence) I think I experience mini heart palpitations just thinking about having to go through this again.. as well as pure fear and panic.
I mean... Really it's one of those things where I'd like to just forget about it and pretend it never happened... but my friend's mom is quite determined to keep me accountable (Which I mostly appreciate because I can tell it's because she cares) but it feels somewhat like, "oh hey... You don't like scary packs of man-eating wolves? Why don't I just throw you into their pen 'til you get used to them"
*sigh* But... I'm supposed to be a grown up now handling my own.
I think I'd handle mechanics better if they didn't think that my gender was equivalent to "car retarded: can-charge-lots-of-extra-moneys-and-she-wont-notice." I have no more arms or legs to spare after the last 4 auto shops I've been to... with the previous 5 vehicles I've gone through.... all in the last year and a half.
Oh Lord have mercy.
It's not that I'm hard on my cars... it's that the mechanics are so hard on my pocket book that I just as soon go swap out for a different car than pay $2,800 to have my spark wires fixed. Who does that, anyways?
So... that being said.. I'm just biding my time to go hunting for this new place. Kinda like everything else kinda terrible I ever encounter, I just want to face it and put it behind me for the rest of my life. Well, that's a lie.. I don't want to face it. But it's the only way to get from step A (having a problem) to point C (having no problem).
Okay... I shall stop car ranting. I will just have to trust the Lord that things will work out. If the guy is great, than win. And if it's awful, I will just get to cry for a little and THEN move away and never come back.
Aye.. I'ma have to psych myself up for this. Breathe, trust Jesus, try not to be anxious to the point of puking. Ready break.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Free from Good Enough
It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. (Gal. 5:1***)
I think anyone in any situation or religion has or does struggle to understand the true meaning of this verse. I mean, even *I* struggle with it every day, basically. For myself it is the struggle of thinking I'm a terrible person if I don't spend time reading the bible every day. Or being a slave to an idea that I have to be a certain way or whatever.
I think the whole foundation for the "not good enough" lie is built on the idea that we are not totally and completely free. I mean, if we are "not good enough" then there is obviously a standard of what good enough is that we are enslaved to or belong to. If there was no rule, no standard, no baseline minimum, then the lie would have nothing to stand on and would dissolve much quicker.
If we truly let Jesus set us free, we wouldn't struggle to be good enough.
Since that lie had me in a choke hold at the time I met "My Mennonites", I had a lot of questions and hesitations right off the get go since I am everything short of being a proper Mennonite girl, and I felt like I should just have "never good enough" tattooed on my forehead. But Jesus was in the process of repairing my heart that was reduced to strands, and being never good enough wasn't going to stop me from saying yes to my invitations to sit around a fire under some stars. Because, at that point, it could have been anybody asking me if I'd like to smell like smoke for a night, I just wanted to be close to Jesus and under the stars was the perfect place to be broken.
As if literally wounded on the inside, sitting and just hearing my new friends singing hymns felt like The Lord was performing an operation and I was completely powerless to fight it anymore.
The Lord literally plopped me in the middle of the most interesting friend group out of nowhere..,(I mean there's no explanation for it besides The Lord, ) and was like, "here you go, Fern. Here are your friends and this is how you know I love you and care about you." And they were perfect.
They were perfect because they weren't perfect and they didn't try to be. They didn't try to conform to any set standard and they didn't try to be impressive or amazing. They just were. They talked about Jesus and sang hymns all the while shooting guns and eating bacon. They were free. Free and wild...but mostly free. They loved Jesus and conformed to nothing. Jesus knew I needed that.
But the fascinating thing to me was that while the men seemed free, the girls were held to some standard of skirts and head-coverings. I probably shouldn't even blog about it since I'll probably offend someone, but I'll hope the thin ice doesn't break too badly. :/
I, of course, had a lot of questions about what a head covering was for and why girls had to dress a certain way but guys could wear whatever they wanted. I managed to offend a few men in the process of being curious, but, I mean...the only way I knew how to describe a Mennonite was "Amish with electricity".
I mean..I was homeschooled and I grew up seeing girls dressed in jean skirts that covered their heads and cussed and smoked and drank with the best of them. They were holier than thou but a good deal of them didn't turn out like they loved Jesus. So that stereotype left a bitter taste in my mouth for the kind of people who wore it on the outside and not on the inside and half the time, they'd be cursing like a sailor whilst adjusting their itching head covering. Of course I was skeptical of if the dress code meant anything or if it was just a rule. Just a thing.
I'm sure for some..it could very well be just a thing... But I haven't met one like that yet. They love Jesus, they feel convicted by a verse in 1 Corinthians and you see that conviction in how they dress.
I love that. It has been super inpactful on my heart because being surrounded by people who literally wear their convictions on their sleeves teaches you a lot about how you choose to display Jesus in your life.
On our list of things to do before moving apart, Amanda, Anne and I had "make friends with an Amish" and "ride in a buggie". Those two things were probably my biggest wishes and the ones I also thought were most impossible. I mean, how the heck do you friend an Amish??
Well... When you know a guy who knows a guy...
It was a rainy sort of day on Saturday and we found ourselves not doing much besides reading our bibles and trying to understand one of Jesus' parables about the shrewd manager.
But..it was THEE big day. Our friend was going to take us to friend an Amish man. I can't tell you how stoked I was! People who grew up around Amish don't understand that my heart was beating SO fast and I may have been shaking a little... but this was like, meeting a character from a book or a movie. This was a dream coming true.
It was raining when we arrived at the Amish man's home and we all definitely struggled with words to say. I mean, who doesn't have a billion questions about how Amish live life?? When you have a real life Amish standing in front of you in his straw hat and cowboy boots and suspenders and button up shirt, there's no socially appropriate way to start the conversation. What are you going to say...? "Nice to meet you! What's it's like not to have electricity? How do you keep warm in the winter? Why are you Amish? If married men wear beards, how do you identify a married woman? What if a man can't grow a beard? How do you see at night? Do you only use candles?" All these questions and more are tumbling over themselves in your head as you try to be polite and word them in a way so as not to be offensive.
Upon arrival, with us standing in the rain and him standing on his porch, he just stared at us and we stared back... usually Amanda and Anne are my backups... in the rare case that I have no words, Amanda usually jumps in to save me, but in this particular instance, no one had words. Our friend who had become our hero and set us up to meet the Amish man looked between us shy girls and his Amish man friend and was like, "well, tell him who you are, what you do." And that was the moment when in my mind I was like, "uhmm oh yeah.. who am I again? What do I do? I don't even remember!"
But the Amish man, named John, spoke first and offered us to come into a side room in their house. It had church pews in it and a couch and I think a shelf with a couple books on the very top row. We sat on some pews while John explained that church was at their house the last week. "Tell me about your church, what's it like?"
"Well, we meet in eachother's houses and we have pastors. We read the Bible and sing some songs..."
Finally converstation. Phew! I was so worried we'd be sitting in awkward silence til the rain stopped.
John was great! I've read books about Amish before, but I literally knew nothing about Amish before this. John, maybe 40something years old, 6 kids and a wife, a humble little farmstead, and a roofing business, sat on the pew facing us and telling us about his love for Jesus. "Amish, is a religion," he told me. It's the religion that believes that you have to be a really good, pure, person that can never know for sure but hopes they are "good enough" to get to heaven.
John sees it differently. He had a moment that God opened his eyes and he knew he was saved and the Bible made more sense to him. And he loves Jesus.
We spent 2 hours perched on those church pews in his house listening to him explain how free loving Jesus and being loved by Jesus makes him to be.
No, he does not have electricity. But he uses a cellphone for his job and he has a nook for his readings. No wifi, no fans. A solar panel on the roof of his house for charging his batteries...(Battery operated lights when the sun goes down). But he loves Jesus. He reads his Bible and memorizes in German and English. If his fellow Amishmen call him out for a "sin" he goes to the Bible and sees what God says about it. He feels fine about having a cellphone. He feels fine about the LED lights in his buggy.
You had to be there, but this man was filled with the Spirit.
Wait... if "Amish" means you believe you can't know.. and he knows that he knows.. how is he still Amish? Well, I asked him that myself.
"Well, Maybe I'm not Amish.. I know they'd love to shun me. But I just do what the Lord says and trust that things will turn out"
After our lovely chat, with the rain let up, we went out to the barn and met his ponies and his horse and his kittens and his bunnies... and some of his little children as well.
"Can we take pictures?"
"Well, I'm suppose to say no, but there's freedom in Christ, right? Don't bother me none if you take some pictures. I'll even smile for ya."
I think my heart could have burst at the sheer amount of joy all of that was. He hooked up his horse to his buggy and we all clambered inside.
"Let's give them the buggy ride of their lives!" Our friend riding "shotgun" to him was clocking our speed with his iphone as the Amish man slapped the reigns to get the horse going fast.
14mph! John looked over at that and was like, "Woohoo!! Let's try to get him over 16! Giddyup!!"
... Well, Humble the horse didn't make it over 15mph, but we weren't exactly in a hurry either.
At one point he turned and asked if I'd like to drive the buggy myself. "Uhm.. you only live once, right?? Yes! I would LOVE to drive the buggy!"
So he pulled the buggie over and I switched spots with my friend and took the reigns. Oh my goodness! WHO ELSE GETS TO SAY THEY DROVE AN AMISH MAN'S BUGGY????
Living the life, that's what I'm doing!! A life that is full and blessed and joyful and wonderful!
Freedom in Christ. Free to live a life full of joy with out any standards for being good enough. Jesus is all the enough I'll ever have to be. My identity is rooted in Christ and the more I know that, the less "good enough" matters. Life is so free when there is nothing to be "good enough" for and no way to fall short.
I love how creative God has been in teaching me how to grow in my confidence in Christ. I mean, of all the most RANDOM people groups to teach you about freedom in Christ... Mennonites and Amish?? Yes... God is in all things and by Him, all things hold together. His grace is sufficient for me.
***It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Gal. 5:1
I think anyone in any situation or religion has or does struggle to understand the true meaning of this verse. I mean, even *I* struggle with it every day, basically. For myself it is the struggle of thinking I'm a terrible person if I don't spend time reading the bible every day. Or being a slave to an idea that I have to be a certain way or whatever.
I think the whole foundation for the "not good enough" lie is built on the idea that we are not totally and completely free. I mean, if we are "not good enough" then there is obviously a standard of what good enough is that we are enslaved to or belong to. If there was no rule, no standard, no baseline minimum, then the lie would have nothing to stand on and would dissolve much quicker.
If we truly let Jesus set us free, we wouldn't struggle to be good enough.
Since that lie had me in a choke hold at the time I met "My Mennonites", I had a lot of questions and hesitations right off the get go since I am everything short of being a proper Mennonite girl, and I felt like I should just have "never good enough" tattooed on my forehead. But Jesus was in the process of repairing my heart that was reduced to strands, and being never good enough wasn't going to stop me from saying yes to my invitations to sit around a fire under some stars. Because, at that point, it could have been anybody asking me if I'd like to smell like smoke for a night, I just wanted to be close to Jesus and under the stars was the perfect place to be broken.
As if literally wounded on the inside, sitting and just hearing my new friends singing hymns felt like The Lord was performing an operation and I was completely powerless to fight it anymore.
The Lord literally plopped me in the middle of the most interesting friend group out of nowhere..,(I mean there's no explanation for it besides The Lord, ) and was like, "here you go, Fern. Here are your friends and this is how you know I love you and care about you." And they were perfect.
They were perfect because they weren't perfect and they didn't try to be. They didn't try to conform to any set standard and they didn't try to be impressive or amazing. They just were. They talked about Jesus and sang hymns all the while shooting guns and eating bacon. They were free. Free and wild...but mostly free. They loved Jesus and conformed to nothing. Jesus knew I needed that.
But the fascinating thing to me was that while the men seemed free, the girls were held to some standard of skirts and head-coverings. I probably shouldn't even blog about it since I'll probably offend someone, but I'll hope the thin ice doesn't break too badly. :/
I, of course, had a lot of questions about what a head covering was for and why girls had to dress a certain way but guys could wear whatever they wanted. I managed to offend a few men in the process of being curious, but, I mean...the only way I knew how to describe a Mennonite was "Amish with electricity".
I mean..I was homeschooled and I grew up seeing girls dressed in jean skirts that covered their heads and cussed and smoked and drank with the best of them. They were holier than thou but a good deal of them didn't turn out like they loved Jesus. So that stereotype left a bitter taste in my mouth for the kind of people who wore it on the outside and not on the inside and half the time, they'd be cursing like a sailor whilst adjusting their itching head covering. Of course I was skeptical of if the dress code meant anything or if it was just a rule. Just a thing.
I'm sure for some..it could very well be just a thing... But I haven't met one like that yet. They love Jesus, they feel convicted by a verse in 1 Corinthians and you see that conviction in how they dress.
I love that. It has been super inpactful on my heart because being surrounded by people who literally wear their convictions on their sleeves teaches you a lot about how you choose to display Jesus in your life.
On our list of things to do before moving apart, Amanda, Anne and I had "make friends with an Amish" and "ride in a buggie". Those two things were probably my biggest wishes and the ones I also thought were most impossible. I mean, how the heck do you friend an Amish??
Well... When you know a guy who knows a guy...
It was a rainy sort of day on Saturday and we found ourselves not doing much besides reading our bibles and trying to understand one of Jesus' parables about the shrewd manager.
But..it was THEE big day. Our friend was going to take us to friend an Amish man. I can't tell you how stoked I was! People who grew up around Amish don't understand that my heart was beating SO fast and I may have been shaking a little... but this was like, meeting a character from a book or a movie. This was a dream coming true.
It was raining when we arrived at the Amish man's home and we all definitely struggled with words to say. I mean, who doesn't have a billion questions about how Amish live life?? When you have a real life Amish standing in front of you in his straw hat and cowboy boots and suspenders and button up shirt, there's no socially appropriate way to start the conversation. What are you going to say...? "Nice to meet you! What's it's like not to have electricity? How do you keep warm in the winter? Why are you Amish? If married men wear beards, how do you identify a married woman? What if a man can't grow a beard? How do you see at night? Do you only use candles?" All these questions and more are tumbling over themselves in your head as you try to be polite and word them in a way so as not to be offensive.
Upon arrival, with us standing in the rain and him standing on his porch, he just stared at us and we stared back... usually Amanda and Anne are my backups... in the rare case that I have no words, Amanda usually jumps in to save me, but in this particular instance, no one had words. Our friend who had become our hero and set us up to meet the Amish man looked between us shy girls and his Amish man friend and was like, "well, tell him who you are, what you do." And that was the moment when in my mind I was like, "uhmm oh yeah.. who am I again? What do I do? I don't even remember!"
But the Amish man, named John, spoke first and offered us to come into a side room in their house. It had church pews in it and a couch and I think a shelf with a couple books on the very top row. We sat on some pews while John explained that church was at their house the last week. "Tell me about your church, what's it like?"
"Well, we meet in eachother's houses and we have pastors. We read the Bible and sing some songs..."
Finally converstation. Phew! I was so worried we'd be sitting in awkward silence til the rain stopped.
John was great! I've read books about Amish before, but I literally knew nothing about Amish before this. John, maybe 40something years old, 6 kids and a wife, a humble little farmstead, and a roofing business, sat on the pew facing us and telling us about his love for Jesus. "Amish, is a religion," he told me. It's the religion that believes that you have to be a really good, pure, person that can never know for sure but hopes they are "good enough" to get to heaven.
John sees it differently. He had a moment that God opened his eyes and he knew he was saved and the Bible made more sense to him. And he loves Jesus.
We spent 2 hours perched on those church pews in his house listening to him explain how free loving Jesus and being loved by Jesus makes him to be.
No, he does not have electricity. But he uses a cellphone for his job and he has a nook for his readings. No wifi, no fans. A solar panel on the roof of his house for charging his batteries...(Battery operated lights when the sun goes down). But he loves Jesus. He reads his Bible and memorizes in German and English. If his fellow Amishmen call him out for a "sin" he goes to the Bible and sees what God says about it. He feels fine about having a cellphone. He feels fine about the LED lights in his buggy.
You had to be there, but this man was filled with the Spirit.
Wait... if "Amish" means you believe you can't know.. and he knows that he knows.. how is he still Amish? Well, I asked him that myself.
"Well, Maybe I'm not Amish.. I know they'd love to shun me. But I just do what the Lord says and trust that things will turn out"
After our lovely chat, with the rain let up, we went out to the barn and met his ponies and his horse and his kittens and his bunnies... and some of his little children as well.
"Can we take pictures?"
"Well, I'm suppose to say no, but there's freedom in Christ, right? Don't bother me none if you take some pictures. I'll even smile for ya."
I think my heart could have burst at the sheer amount of joy all of that was. He hooked up his horse to his buggy and we all clambered inside.
"Let's give them the buggy ride of their lives!" Our friend riding "shotgun" to him was clocking our speed with his iphone as the Amish man slapped the reigns to get the horse going fast.
14mph! John looked over at that and was like, "Woohoo!! Let's try to get him over 16! Giddyup!!"
... Well, Humble the horse didn't make it over 15mph, but we weren't exactly in a hurry either.
At one point he turned and asked if I'd like to drive the buggy myself. "Uhm.. you only live once, right?? Yes! I would LOVE to drive the buggy!"
So he pulled the buggie over and I switched spots with my friend and took the reigns. Oh my goodness! WHO ELSE GETS TO SAY THEY DROVE AN AMISH MAN'S BUGGY????
Living the life, that's what I'm doing!! A life that is full and blessed and joyful and wonderful!
Freedom in Christ. Free to live a life full of joy with out any standards for being good enough. Jesus is all the enough I'll ever have to be. My identity is rooted in Christ and the more I know that, the less "good enough" matters. Life is so free when there is nothing to be "good enough" for and no way to fall short.
I love how creative God has been in teaching me how to grow in my confidence in Christ. I mean, of all the most RANDOM people groups to teach you about freedom in Christ... Mennonites and Amish?? Yes... God is in all things and by Him, all things hold together. His grace is sufficient for me.
***It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Gal. 5:1
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