I'm Thankful for ________

I was 15 years old when I first went to China and realized all the many comforts with which I had been blessed and appreciated. Now, every year on facebook, people spend the days before thanksgiving counting their blessings 1-22 or 1-30. I've considered joining the ranks.. but I can't bring myself to it. I'm thankful, but I think I would be too hypocritical with it. Why spend 22 days thanking God on my status once a year and fill my status with complaints the other 343? Well.. I hope that no one could find a single complain on my status.. I strive not to openly complain about anything. But obvs I'm not perfect.

Anyways.. this morning at our Monday Morning prayer time with the Salt Company, my heart was just filled with joy because we were taking time to give thanks. And there were blessing being spoken of all around the room and it seemed a more happy place than usual. (Not that MMP is usually sad..it just seemed happier). I kept thinking of things for which I am thankful but of course there wasn't time to list them all. 

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is my list (In no particular order) which will probably be much shorter than it should be:

1) Salvation, because my life would look drastically different without it.
2) The Gospel. It changed my life and it changes my life every day.
3) Joy. It is steady and constant and life giving.
4) Music.
5) Heat in my house. (Also my roommate's space heater)
6) A family that loves Jesus.
7) The most amazing community of believing friends.
8) Prayer. (Prayers for me, prayers for others.. praying in general.) God is so good
9) Healing. My heart has been in and out of a meat grinder the last 6 weeks.. but I am whole.
10) Laughter.
11) My friend Jessica. She is a champion prayer warrior with a life marked by grace and truth
12) My friend Amanda. She speaks words of wisdom and healing and displays love in all she does.
13) My friend Miranda. She prays wisdom and speaks truth with a gentle spirit.
14)My friend Rachel. She has been a huge blessing in my life since we were 2 and 3. She is constant. 
15) My Bible study girls. They are understanding and transparent and have beautiful hearts for Jesus.
16) My room. It is big and restful and one of my favorite places to meet with God.
17) Having a car. 
18) My Bible. I have two small ones.. one old and one new. God's word has been a joyful companion.
19) The Salt Company. I was lost and without fellowship until it came and planted my sophomore year.
20) Veritas Church. A source of truth and beautiful example of how the body of believers should be.
21) Shoes. I have boots and tennies and slippers and whatnot.. I am blessed.
22) Warm clothes.
23) My heat blanket.
24) The quilts on my bed. Every single one that I have was made specifically for me. I am loved.
25) Josh Wiemann, one of the best friends I've ever had and more than I could have hoped for in a bf.
26) The Hamlets (Friend's of Josh's little brother that I get to call friends as well) They bless me.
27) Almonds. I've probably eaten over 50lbs of them in the last 6 months...
28) Doctors
29) My hands. 
30) Believing classmates. We talk about Jesus and encourage each other in class and it's really great. 
31) Clean water. 
32) My bed.  
33) My pillows.
34) Pictures. So many captured memories. So much reminder of joy.
35) Trials...because without the hard times, I would not know this side of grace.
36) The Bridge of Storm Lake. It brought my heart to life and grew me in so many ways last summer.
37) Pine Lake Camp.The hardest thing I've ever been through but was so pivotal in my walk with God.
38) Celery. It is sweet and tasteful and filling all at once.
39) My discipleship group. They have seen me cry and have prayed for me and encouraged me.
40) Carrie Durmody. She has poured into me and helped me to see God and new ways.
41) Drew and Melissa Stevenson. They are amazing Salt leaders and their lives bless others.
42) Jess Hanson. Her words of truth bring healing and her laughter brings joy.
43) The campus ministries. This place would be so much more dark without them here. 
44) Kathy Mark. My first friend here at Iowa. Dinner with her in Hillcrest meant the world to me. 
45) My Great Grandpa Chet. His love for the Lord and his faithful prayer over my life is so huge.
46) My grandpa and grandma Kohl. Their love for me has grown my love for the Lord in big ways.
47) My Aunt Kysa. She quit her job to care for my siblings and I & was there for us in the hardest time.
48) My Gross cousins. Some of the best friends I could ever have in my life. Blessings in a big way.
49) My Kohl cousins. Best friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. They encourage me.
50) Youtube. I've made many a good bond with friends and family whilst watching a clip.
51) Internet. 
52) My computer.
53) Handwritten letters.
54) My grandma's letters. She is also my most faithful Valentine.
55) The Petersons. They have been my other family forever and have been love and care in my life.
56) My little sister Eva. She has the biggest, sweetest servant heart in the world.
57) My eyesight.
58) My hearing.
59) Sleep. It's amazing how much sleep can do.
60) Color.
61) Cheese
62) Kit's back rubs
63) My prayer journal. Looking back and seeing Gods work is incredible.
64) Internet.
65) Grace tutoring me in research methods
66) The handful of classmates that I chat with in class
67) My sign Language classmates/friends
68) Chocolate
69) Ken's unfailing ability to make me laugh
70) Pearl's adventurous spirit that inspires me to take more risks
71) the warmth of the sun
72) My cell phone
73) texting
74) My toothbrush
75) Kurt's level head and sacrificial selflessness
76) Rose laughing at my ridiculous stories
77) Big couches. My freshman year, the only couch I experienced was at home on breaks.
78) Christmas lights.
79) Kolby always wanting to serve.
80) Kyle who sees everyone as a hero and welcomes us home with a big smile.
81) Quiet moments with God
82) Music.
83) running.
84) Walks
85) Loving conversation
86) Electricity
87) Home
88) Light
89) trees
90) Reading
91) Christmas music
92) Green grass
93) Not living in a dorm room
94) Breaks from class
95) Classmates who have my back
96) Facebook
97) Showers
98) Stars
99) Fan noises when falling asleep
100) People who make me laugh

Beauty in the Broken

"You look for a heart that's open, for beauty in the broken..so why am I withdrawn?"
I love Starfield. They have been one of my most favorite bands since 8th grade and there is much truth found in the lyrics of their songs. 
Last week as I shared the brokenness of my life with a friend whilst tears poured from my eyes for the thousandth time since all this started, I was sweetly encouraged to find promises from God and stand firmly upon them and cling to them if I must. 
Wisdom.
God promises so many things and He is so faithful to carryout what He has promised. There are so many verses in the Bible that are easy to passover simply because we have read them too many times. But when you look for the promise in them, look for the hope, you can see God in the pages.Two of my current favorite passages are these:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

These passages are so rich in promise and hope. And hard times are guaranteed. They're going to come. We're going to go through pain and suffering and difficulties and rough waters. But God is faithful. It will be temporary. It will produce an eternal weight of glory. We will not be crushed. We will not despair. We are not forsaken. We will not be destroyed. 

There is a deep, unshakable joy in that. And while in a trial, it does not seem possible for joy to exist at all, we know that with God, all things are possible. Even joy. 

I am thankful that God renews us day by day. A lot of days I come to the end of the day and feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and it hurts too much. But that is when God reminds me, "close your eyes and walk by faith." And the next morning when I wake up and spend time with Him, I am given a new strength and a new hope and a fresh portion of joy to carry me through the day. 

And I am so blessed by the community that God has surrounded me with this semester. I am thankful for God has taught me the importance of being transparent and letting oneself cry in front of other people. I cannot even begin to describe how thankful I am for the many friends that have prayed over me and spoke truth and wisdom and words of healing into my life and my heart. I have been overwhelmingly loved and cared for and looked after and I know that God is at work in all of it. I am loved much.

My prayer now is that the trials that I'm growing through to bring about the beauty of God in my life. Yes, I want to be beautiful. I want my life to be marked by the beauty described in 1 Peter 3. I want for my brokenness to reveal my beauty and for my brokenness to perfect it. Because, it can only come from God. The only form of beauty that I could ever claim to possess is God. 

So when I am broken, may Christ be revealed. In that, there is beauty in the broken. 

We Walk By Faith

As much as I would love to spend 2 hours writing and perfecting a well thought out blog post, I don't have the time today. But I do want to share some of the nuggets of life that God has blessed me with as I continue to walk through my time of pain and emptiness. 

This morning, as with most other mornings, I could not sleep past 6:30am and, as it was, I had an extra hour anyways and thus decided that the Lord was inviting me into His presence and that is a more restful place than my bed anyhow.
As I sat with my Bible and prayer journal and once again poured out my heart and waited for healing and hope and peace and joy, I reflected much on God's plan. A promise. A promise of a plan that He has for me and it is a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. A plan for a hope and a future. Sometimes...most times, it's hard to see that hope. It's hard to know that hope exists. Especially now, I don't see it. 

But God gave me the most beautiful treasure this morning. As I sat and pondered, I began to pray out loud.. which I don't do especially often when I'm by myself. Typically I just write in my prayer journal, but there is something to be said about God feeling more present when you talk to Him out loud. Anyways, as my eyes were shut, God took me into his arms and gave me a picture of what He was doing.

I saw myself on a very narrow path in a very dark valley. There were demons on all sides of the path packed rows and rows back all grabbing at me and trying to pull at me and tear me down. But as I walked, there was God. He was walking in front of me but walking backwards so He could face me and take both my hands in His and pull me along. And there was light where He was and the demons could not reach Him.. they could not reach us. And then there was fog. An awful dark mist over everything so that i could hardly see anything, I could hardly see God. And I was afraid because I couldn't see where I was going. But, that is when God spoke to me and said, "shut your eyes, Fern, walk by faith and not by sight. Trust me." And in my vision, I did. When I shut my eyes, all I could feel was Gods hands pulling mine along and the path was solid under my feet and I knew I was safe. 

As I was rethinking that vision just now, a line from a verse I memorized forever ago ran through my head, "But we are hard pressed on every side but not crush.... not abandoned." And I have peace. I think my heart will hurt for a while yet, but I have peace. I know God is doing something great in my life. I know God is going to make something beautiful out of me. I know God has a crazy beautiful plan that I cannot comprehend and or even imagine. But I know I am loved. I am precious. I am treasured. And I am going to make it out someday. 

But for now, I cannot see the hope. I cannot see the plan. I cannot see the future. I cannot always see God. But when I shut my eyes, I feel it. I feel my hope. I feel God. And so, I walk by faith. 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Cor. 4:7-12

The Most Important Decision

I'm still waiting. Waiting for the Lord to scoop me out of my valley and heal the brokenness that fills my heart. Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting forever and sometimes I feel that the time has passed quickly and I remember I've been broken for a lot longer than I've wanted to be. 
Today is just one of those days where all you can do is surrender because..what else? Nothing. I was in a hurry today and left the house this morning without eating breakfast but managed to throw the last half of a bag of almonds in my bag to eat later. I also left without my meal card which is a bummer because I had it set so today I could grab lunch without it being rushed at all. So, I find myself with ample time before my 4 minute presentation that will give me ample time before my following class.By ample I mean: more than 20 minutes. Time enough to breathe but not enough to run home and grab food.

I think I'm excited for my ASL presentation. I'm nervous too, though. I usually don't get nervous for presentations any more, but today's topic is "An important, life-changing decision." We could have picked anything: choosing majors, choosing a college, etc. I didn't think those were exactly life-changing decisions for me. I thought and thought about what to present and all I could come up with was the time I let God come into the dark places of my heart and make me a new person. I'm happy to share this decision, but nervous. Yesterday we did practices with the class and I warned my signing partners that they might find my story weird. To my pleasent surprise, they all listened..er..watched..intently and all responded saying it was a good story, a good decision. I was encouraged... I *am* encouraged. 

But I am still in my dark valley. But, that important decision that I made back in high school at the age of 16 is still the most important decision I make everyday. As time continues to pass and the brokenness stays with me, I choose Jesus and comfort stays just as much as the brokenness. It really is confusing how one can feel so loved by God and close to God and surrendered to God and still be broken. Humbling too. I ask God often what more I need to do and He responds, "Wait." Sometimes I don't know if I'm broken because of my circumstances or if I'm broken because I am waiting. But I suppose one would need an accurate description of what broken means. For me, it is simply a constant state of a loss of hope. But, my decision is Christ. I choose to trust even in the darkness. For I am convinced that somewhere at the end of it, God will take the blindfold off and there will be for me a great surprise that will fill me with joy. And even though I'm stubbing my toes trying to find my way with a blindfold on, I will come to place of rest and I will one day be whole.


But until then, I will make the decision of trust. And it is the most important decision I will ever make.

When Peace Like a River

I rather doubt that I have quite come to the end of the dark time I've been walking in these last several weeks, but I will say that I do believe the seeds of hope that were sewn in tears are starting to produce their promised harvest of joy. It's still in the baby stages of it and it is by no means overwhelming or spilling out. But, I can say for sure that I am not as broken as I have been.
Not as empty and without hope. There is peace in knowing that. I believe it is the part in my battle against the enemy where the Lord has stepped up to fight for me and I may enter into a place of rest in God's strong tower. 

Funny how that is. I've never thought of that before, honestly. I think I've always focussed so much on how the Lord said he would fight for us that I never thought about how he wouldn't have given us Holy armor in the first place if He didn't expect us to go to war and fight ourselves. And then I get so upset the moment I'm in the line of fire out on the battle field because I didn't think it was my job to fight. Well, lesson learned. There is a reason we are supposed to be ready in and out of season. There is a reason why Paul tells to train like an athlete. 

All that being said, God's message to me is still wait and trust. I wish this calling got easier with practice. As many times as God has had me learn that lesson, I've never got the science of it down. 
But now that I have been emptied of so much of me, there is peace like a river, or perhaps a small creek, trickling slowly onto my wounded heart..and it is soothing.  

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.

As I wrote earlier, I've quite entered into a dark time in my walk with the Lord. Not that I feel the Lord has left me, quite the opposite actually. But a dark cloud of pain and sadness has come over me and as much as I beg relief, my savior continues to tell me to wait and trust. 

Last night I left to spend time with a dear friend of mine who has shared many a pain from her own heart with me and I knew it would be good just to get out and not let myself be ruled by the depression I seem to find myself battling. It was good to just share with her the things that have been weighing heavy on my heart and how the uncertainty of my future has cause me to plummet into a dark hole. 
During our conversation she opened her daily devotional and said, "can I read this to you? I don't know what it says yet, but I prayed that today's devotion would apply." 
What she then read was perfect. It was all about trusting God with your future and knowing that He has a plan. There was so much encouragement in those words...it was a God moment. I would say one of my biggest struggles in this war with darkness is feeling loved. I know I'm loved. I  *know* it. But I still question my worth sometimes. (A lot of times.) I often find myself working to earn favor from people and from God. I've somehow convinced myself everything is conditional and if I am not _____ I am not worth loving. 

Upon arriving home and seeing my own Beside Blessings devotional by Charles Swindoll sitting on my nightstand I decided to see if God had any words for me in that one too. He sure did!

To love and be loved is the bedrock of our existence. 
But love must also flex and adapt. Rigid love is not true love. 
It is a veiled manipulation, a conditional time bomb that
explodes when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits!
It isn't pushy or demanding. While it has its limits, its
boundaries are far-reaching. It neither clutches nor
clings. Real love is not shortsighted, selfish, or
insensitive. It detects needs and does what is best
for the other person without being told. 

The last few nights I've been praying before drifting off that God would come meet me in my dreams. He has. I've slept soundly and while most of the time I do not remember my dreams, I've woken up remembering being told I was loved and that I needed to wait and trust. So last night after reading these words I slept soundly and awoke asking the Lord for more words of encouragement. What He gave to me were these:

We know the sovereign Potter is working with us as He pleases.
He is the Potter, we are the clay. He is the one who gives
the commands; we are the ones who obey. He never has to
explain Himself; He never has to ask permission. He is 
shaping us over into the image of His Son, regardless of the
pain and heartache that may require. Those lessons are
learned a little easier when we remember that we are not 
in charge, He is. 

I keep asking the Father what part of me is so stubborn that all this shaping is causing so much pain. But I am learning that I've had my fingers wrapped tightly around my own hopes and dreams for sometime now. I've been praying that God would bless what I'm doing and He is prying my fingers off and telling me to do what He's blessing. It's not an easy lesson. Typically surrender comes after exhausting oneself in battle first. No one goes out and raises their white flag first thing. The white flag usually comes after the grass has been burned, bodies have been dropped, and one side has no other option than to give up. I hate to think that I have gone to war with my savior's will. But perhaps, somewhere along the way, I did. 
It begs the questions though, all those times that David was crying out, "How long, O Lord, before you hear my cry for help? How long, O Lord before you save me?" for all those times, how many times do you suppose God as responding with, "How long, David, before you trust me? How many bodies before you surrender? How much heartache before you let go? How long?" And perhaps that is His response to us. 
"How much pain will you allow yourself in holding onto your own dashed hopes and dreams, Fern, before you let go and let me do something more amazing with your life? How many things must I pry from your hands before you surrender?" Well, I guess it's easier to throw your hands up in the air when your arms are empty. 

And that is where I am.  Empty. Empty of everything I have tried to fill my heart with for a long time. Perhaps it has been years that I have been striving towards dreams and goals that seem to be fading quickly. But, there is room for God. And perhaps it is a Job moment where everything is taken away and then blessed twice over. But that is for God to decide. All I know is that at the end of the day, I want to be able to say, " And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold"


“But he knows where I am going.
    And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.
¹¹ For I have stayed on God’s paths;
    I have followed his ways and not turned aside.
¹² I have not departed from his commands,
    but have treasured his words more than daily food.
¹³ But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind?
    Whatever he wants to do, he does.
¹⁴ So he will do to me whatever he has planned.
    He controls my destiny.
¹⁵ No wonder I am so terrified in his presence.
    When I think of it, terror grips me.
¹⁶ God has made me sick at heart;
    the Almighty has terrified me.
¹⁷ Darkness is all around me;
    thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere." Job 23:10-17


Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

When the Darkness closes in, Lord

Half way through October.. half way through the semester. That's so crazy!! How am I doing? I don't know. It's been a goal of mine to be as transparent in my walk with the Lord to the best of my ability. I'm still learning what that means. I know there is a balance between living life with all my dirty laundry hanging out for the world to see and simply being genuine all the time. 

In all honesty, I think at this point my answer to that question would be, "not good." Not that my life is bad. I've just come to a point of exhaustion. I knew it was coming too.. God gave me some warning. Around the time of See You At the Pole I was SO encouraged. I was encouraged by SYATP, I was encouraged by an email I got from one of the Salt Co staff guys, I was encouraged by my Bible study and my quiet times and just life. It was great. Not that those things are discouraging now, I just knew that soon I would be headed for rough waters. I knew when I smiled at the encouraging email that God was sending a life ring. It was almost as if he handed it to me saying, "Hey, you're gonna need this real soon." It was like when you can smell the rain in the air before it gets here and it turns out to be some crazy big storm with thunder and lightning and torrents of rain. 

You would assume that since I knew it was coming that I did all I could to batten down the hatches and prepare myself for a storm. I didn't, really. I didn't slow down enough to let myself prepare. And now I've found myself in a lifeboat with broken oars and while rowing gets me nowhere I'm still exhausting myself in an attempt to keep the thing from taking on too much water and sinking. What I need is a rescue, I think. 

But, I'm not sure it's a storm I'm in, actually. My pastor sometimes talks about there being a dark night of the soul. A time where the lights are gone and there is darkness. And in that darkness, there is pain. 

And I wish I could pinpoint what causes the pain exactly. I mean, there are a lot of things in my life right now that are causing pain. But I think the greatest anguish of my heart is that I go before the Lord every day, multiple times a day and pour out my heart to Him but the pain is still there. I spend hours before him and I listen to His voice and read His Word and yet the pain remains. Everyday I ask Him to take away the pain and every day He quiets me with His love but tells me to wait. And there is pain in waiting. He tells me He loves me and tells me He has a plan and I trust Him. I know He has a plan. His plans are always great. But sometimes the darkness is overwhelming. 

Not all my pain is because I have to wait. Some of it is because I am easily snared into believing the devil's lies. Lies about my identity and my worth. Lies about my value.

And there are other things, too, that pull and wrench at my heart. And currently I think my heart looks like it went through a meat grinder. 

But I wouldn't say my joy is all gone. It's there. Somewhere deep within there is a joy that is not shaken and the darkness cannot reach it. And somewhere deep within I know I am loved. I know that I need to wait and ride out the storm. But when you're in the thickest, blackest, darkest part of it, it's hard to see the hope. It's hard to see how far in you are and how much longer you have to keep going in it. It's hard to see God. In fact, I don't think I can at all. But I do feel Him. Which is a little odd for me.. most the time I'm discouraged because I can see Him but not feel Him. I know I'm being carried in all of this, but it still hurts. 

Perhaps this is like the time I was little and stepped on two bees with the same foot in a matter of 15 seconds. My dad carried me back to the house but my foot still hurt the whole time I was being carried. 

In fact, the pain stayed with me for a week after that and my foot swelled so big I couldn't put a shoe on. So I guess for now I just need to cling to knowledge that at some point hope will rise and the darkness will tremble. At some point my savior is going to come crashing through the thick dark clouds and whisk me away on his horse and together we shall ride away into the sunset and live happily ever after. 

Until then, I'll just put my hands up and wait. 

You called my name, reached out your hand, 
Restored my life, and I was redeemed, 
The moment you entered my life, 
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day, 
My life was changed, 
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin
So it's with everything I am, 
I reach out for your hand, 
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained, 
On you I throw my life, casting all my fears aside, 
How could greater love than this, ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts, as I rest in you, 
I'm now in love, with a Saviour, 
Bearing the marks of his love



So I wait upon you now, 
With my hands released to you, 
Where a little faiths enough, 
To see mountains lift and move, 
Yeah and I wait upon you now, 
Dedicated to your will, 
To this love that will remain, 
A love that never fails